The D& D function

Your analysis is highly rational, thank you for sharing!!!

My ex-P D&D'd me for the OW... a curator who was financially independent (and probably made more $$$ than him),a woman independent enough to keep her maiden name after marriage. At the time, it was painful. Even a year later, when I read that they had tied the knot and had kids, I felt nauseous. The D&D was humiliating, depressing, it drove me into a dark place. But now I realize it was a blessing in disguise. In some perverse way, did he care about me to NOT marry me? Was it some sort of way of protecting me from a living H*ll that would've been marriage and parenthood with him? In a sense, I was spared. Scarred, but spared. As a friend of mine said, "You're just a student. He treated you badly. What makes you think he'll treat his girlfriend any better?" Like any NORMAL person, I thought he had chosen the OW because she was superior to me. She was independent, mature, etc. My ex-P had told me a chilling story of how his lack of emotions terrified his parents, so much so that they took him to Worcester State Hospital as a child. I believe it's true. He was a very sick man, and thanks to the D&D, I'm glad I'm not married to him, nor am I the mother to his children. It would've been a nightmare. Marriage and parenthood wouldn't have cured his mental illness.

...thank you for your strength. I downloaded the book, and am reading it non-stop. It really does help understand. I guess where I am stuck is that I just did not see it. Like so many of you, he was a dream come true...the most empathetic person ever. Then he was completely without emotion to me at least (he continues, I am sure, to be an angel to everyone else and no one, just no one, could believe that he would do this; really does make us look crazy, huh?). You are all so right--we did not cause this. They are who they are. I suppose that "acceptance" means realising that they were never anything but an illusion, a fake, and therefore there is nothing to "want back". We did not lose anything but a "feeling". Thank you.

You are so right anotherpath! and Leah, God bless you I pray for us all and I will pray that you find the strength you need along with the rest of us!! I probably speak for everyone when I say that getting over the N is the hardest thing any of us have ever had to do. they really are good at manipulating and completely destroying our lives!! Its so twisted that a normal loving person can hardly wrap their brain around what they do .. I struggle with everyday. There is a finish line though .. the important thing is to STAY NC ... I work with mine so I can't. The first opportunity I have to get out I will!!! Take care .. xxoo

this is so true, and i believe those of us that have had the unfortunate experience of going back again and again have realized how it works. but at first it can be so confusing. the first time i got D&D, he lashed out at me, he was so mean and said the most awful things about me. attacking everything from my character, to my looks, to my personality. It hurt so bad i was numb for two whole days...and i was also angry. I called back and let him have a piece of my mind. I never understood why he had to say such awful things. But i do know the second time it happened i knew it wasnt about me at all. At one point i even called him out on the crap he was saying and he not knowingly admitted it made him feel better about himself. Now i realize it was such a projection of his own emotions and shortcomings.

...thank you for this point on D&D. I am struggling, really struggling right now, to accept that this happened. It is like part of my brain is in a fog, and does not remember being married to my ex at all, but is also painfully conscious of a huge hole in my heart and a sense of confusion about whether I am actually HERE. Feels like I am going through the motions of life and as if I am not sure that I actually exist. Do not worry, I am not seeing things or hearing voices, but I feel like half the person I was before all of this happened. It has been four months since he announced the divorce, 6 months since he asked for space, but about a year since he started distancing himself from me. I went through a stage of begging him to explain what was wrong, and he never did. He simply said nothing. But that was the start of the D&D in my mind. He ignored my need to understand why he was pulling away. He started talking about what HE would do in the future, and stopped saying WE. I definitely spiraled into a strange space where I was walking on eggshells to make things right without even understanding what was wrong. I did change myself--becoming meek, losing the independent, strong streak that I have always had and he always complimented me for. And the thing is that he never raised his voice, never shouted, was never an obvious a*hole, so I could not put the blame on him. I assumed that I was at fault. Today I am in a bad place. I am crying non stop. This happens once or twice a week now, which is far less than before. But I feel truly worthless. Like life has no meaning and like I will never ever be as happy as I was with him. Like I will never have someone who "loves me" like he did, or cares for me like he said he did. They really mess you up, and right now I sit with tears streaming down my face not understanding anything. I sometimes break NC and call him, begging on his voicemail for him to explain how he could just walk away. But I have now managed 10 days without NC, since he has threatened me by email never to call him again, and I am scared that he will file a restraining order against me! For what, I do not know, but I do know that it does not help to beg someone to whom you do not matter at all. The last email I got from him (in response to my voice message, since he has not called once or answered the phone for 4 months since he sent divorce papers, despite knowing that I had a miscarriage, despite knowing that I was crumbling!) was a week ago, saying that he did not think I was a bad person and did not hate me (note that he did not use a single positive word, just denied the negative, which suggests that I actually MIGHT be a bad person and that while he does not hate me, he does not love me either). I so want to be thankful that this happened now, after 5 and not 15 or 25 years. Before we had children, and not after. But all I can think of is how much I miss who I thought he was. How lonely I am, and hoe deeply worthless I feel because I could not make him happy. I do not think that I need medicine for the depression (have been divorced, moved countries, left the home that I built and changed jobs all in the space of 3 months, so I don't expect t be running around happy), but I do need to find a way to sleep. Right now, I can barely manage 2 hours a night and am exhausted, which is not helping me feel strong at all.