Credit cards, fancy cars, and designer clothes

Mine drove two cars, one very fancy, the other a jeep, lots of designer clothes & shoes, but he could afford all of it. No debt!

My ex-Psychopath professor was a "metrosexual" before the term was used. He was practically a hermit (his office was very drab, impersonal and spare). His car wasn't fancy. His credit--well, thank goodness I didn't know about that(!!!) But he tended to put his $$$ in his clothes. He was a dandy among the professors. The beret, the John Lennon glasses, the form fitting jeans--he was into IMAGE. What was odd was that for a guy who spent lots of $$$ on clothes, he had the WORST teeth I've ever seen. They looked like smoker's teeth (tho I never saw him smoke) It looked like he hadn't seen a dentist in a decade. REALLY bad tooth decay. But the clothes were quite fancy.

I was blinded by a 'cerebral' narc. It wasn't material posessions, as he lived like a hermit (I was going to 'rescue' him from that) but college degrees that he accumulated. Wait, did I say degrees? I found out he barely finished just two of the many advanced programs he enrolled in and the most recent degree was only because I was his cheerleader and the school wasn't about to let him not 'move on.' What has he done with it? $30 an hour as a temp after tanking the real job I think he initially couldn't turn down (Yes, I listened to all the BS about how he was finally with 'bright' people, in his niche, etc.) Looking back I realize he systematically worked to destroy this one chance he had. It gets worse because on top of his 200k + debt he convinced me to take out smaller loans and they will follow me for the rest of my sorry life. I fell victim to the long conversations of mind numbing 'missed potential' BS and somehow thought I could finally finish my master's. I have always blamed myself for missing class or not performing as I previously had in school before the narc was 'at my side' until I recently realized he made sure I failed, just like he did. It was almost like I was his puppet. He would have some weird reason why he hadn't made it on time to assume childcare so I could go to class or pretend to help me when in reality he was ****ing with my head. Oh, I also didn't know about his prior loans until years into the relationship as he had kept them hidden. I have always found out 'after the fact' that he has done something terribly damaging financially. He has maxed out family hand-outs and secretly resents the fact my relatives can't 'contribute' actual $$ to his entitled life. But, he has managed to use them for just about everything else and alienated me from them in ways I could never have imagined. While I was still working and trying to patch up the financial holes (a complete impossibility with him) my colleague carefully listened to my concern about various behaviors the narc was exhibiting and I mentioned how I was never sure if I could afford groceries when I entered the store and held my breath for the 'card swipe'. He was wise and said, "But that's neglect and can be just as abusive as physical violence." That was six years ago and my friend was completely spot on. The neglect has only gotten worse and worse and the financial aspect is actually visible damage if you let yourself think about it. The piles of collection notices, hefty tax returns we are owed he never applies for, fear of losing health insurance, constant worry over rent, etc., are like bruises on pieces of paper. He hides mail and checks I have written that he promises to deliver. So, from over a decade of experience I wanted to share with you how sorry I am that I didn't get as far away from this damage years ago. And don't think he hasn't done all the other predictable narc behaviors either like losing cars to impound, clothes wherever he goes, abandoned storage rooms, etc., and the list goes on and on. It has only gotten worse with time.

Mine filed for bankruptcy before we met. He wanted me to co-sign for a motorcycle because he couldn't get a loan by himself (smart enough to say no to that!). After a couple of years he spent a ton on clothes, has a BMW, Mercedes Convertible and a Hybrid. Bought a big house (had to be bigger than his ex-wifes) and yet griped because I didn't pick up my share of the tabs when we went out to dinner! He has also had 8 jobs in 10 years! Should have seen the flags they were like a MAC truck!!!

All I need to remind myself that I am so glad to be away from my xN is to look at his financials: Leases Audi (no asset) Rents from friend (no home...no asset) No 401K No investments No savings account Salary $45k Bank loan debt $40K Debt owed to 1st wife's brother $15K Credit card debt $60K TOTAL DEBT: $115K !!!! What did he spend it on? NOT furniture for our home,or family trips, or a college fund, or lavish gifts for me & daughter.... I was "impossible to shop for." He thought my coupon-clipping & grocery lists were obsessive. AND THANK GOD I did not co-sign anything & made him 100% liable for his debts only! My guess?---women, liquor & maybe drugs What "good father" does that??? P.S. He racked up $25k with 1st wife.

When my ex and I started dating, he was in a very low level entry level position and he drove a Jeep Grand Cherokee. After we broke up, he was still in a somewhat entry level clerical-type position, and he spent a TON on his new bachelor pad... new computer, plenty of new furniture, new exercise bike, etc. He wanted to make sure it was perfect. I suspect this was financed through credit. We never really discussed his financials, but I know he was frequently moving his debt around to various low interest rate credit cards. Every see "About a Boy" by Nick Hornby and starring Hugh Grant? Hornby often writes about emotionally unavailable men (not narcs, per se) that use toys rather than having intimate relationships with people. My ex totally reminds me of Grant's character in the movie. Totally empty on the inside.

Mine has lots of toys to show off. He has a goregous truck. He has had 10 cars so far (he is only 21). He has a street bike. When we were together we bought a quad and a boat. He convinced me to get rid of my mustang convertable that I owned out right for a BMW. He had me tint the windows and but 18" chrome rims on it. He always had to wash everything (cars, truck, street bike) before going anywhere. All of his toys are the best of the best. He can not afford any of them! I found out that he was in debt 16K just on one bill and he was in collections for it. This bill didnt include any of his toys. He always wanted to give off the impression that he had more money then he really does. I think that this is one of the reasons that he choose me. I am very well off for my age. I am good with my money and save half of each paycheck. I think that I could help his imagine of himself and I could also buy him toys. I know that he will be back for more supply when he finds out that not all 21 year olds have a savings account!

My ex-N wears ONLY designer clothes, has over 50 pairs of shoes (all in original boxes), drives a flashy car (meticulously detailed), pays a ridiculous amount of rent to live in a gated community, has a designer dog AND makes $18 bucks an hour! I make more than twice that and can't afford that lifestyle. No credit card debt though... all the debt is to other people!

I have been guilty of over-spending. I have lots of designer stuff, a more expensive car, etc. That's my stress release - shopping! To be fair - I shop at Target too. :-) That doesn't make me a narcissist. However, if someone tries to DEFINE themselves with their stuff - like my exN did - that is different. If he is placing his self-value on his things, they are part of his mask. If he has to mention how many pair of designer jeans he has, mention the car to women - that's a bad sign. Just my opinion.