Crazymaking

With mine, I can remember him being very insecure at times when I was strong and doing things (very subtle things - so subtle that it's very hard to pinpoint them) to make me more dependent on him. But when I was in need of support and actually felt I wanted to be able to depend on him he hated it and he told me as much when we split up. I also remember him being extremely impulsive, saying very dramatic things and then saying the opposite a short time later. E.g. He told me that he wanted to get engaged to me by a certain date and then never asked me but couldn't explain why. He also said that it was such a relief to know that he'd met the right person for him and to know that he would never have to split up with anyone again. Then, within a couple of months of saying this to me, he ended our relationship telling me that he'd realised that he wasn't meant to be with anyone and that he never wanted to go out with anyone again. Within a short space of time I heard he had a new girlfriend. Then they split up and he tried to get back in touch with me again. I ignored him and then he started telling my friends that I was "the love of his life" and that he wished he had married me. I know this is different to what you've described because the inconsistent things that yours said were about you and in my case they were describing his "feelings" but the principle is the same. They do it a) bcause they are impulsive and don't have thoughts/feelings that are sustainable, and b) as a way of gaining control. Erratic behaviour like this makes them so unpredictable that we have no way of knowing whether us saying or doing something will result in a positive or a negative reaction from him. It is this that makes us "walk on eggshells" (a frequently used phrase on this forum). We refrain from being ourselves for fear of being given the silent treatament for doing something wrong. We restrict our conversation, not daring to say what we are truly thinking in case it might be the wrong thing to say and lead to "punishment" (e.g. withdrawing emotionally or physically abandonment whilst knowing that this will cause us stress). This feeling of uncertainty keeps us in a heightened state of anxiety at all times which is what leads us to the feeling of "madness". He lets us know whether our behaviour was right or wrong, therefore retaining control over us at all times. He makes us dependent on him so that we will never dare to abandon him. Then he despises us for our neediness which again makes us feel that we "lost control of ourselves" and are therefore "mad". I definately felt as if I was going mad during the relationship and I was ashamed of this at the time which prevented me from discussing my worries with friends and family. Abusers rely on this kind of secrecy. In fact, it wasn't until I started seeing a good therapist and discovered the meaning of NPD that I really began to make sense of it all and to feel sane again. That's when the anger kicks in - the point where you suddenly realise that he's not "Prince Charming" and that you were abused.

He now claims to have panic attacks. And it makes me remember when he constantly told me when I was really worried about our future, and our "common goals", that I have panic illness and I should really seek help. When he was raging about minor things like accidentally breaking a glass, or not getting maximum points for some reason in a computer game, or not having to go to a job interview, I always tried to comfort him, and calm him. And that was always the time when he stomped into my heart. Once, I asked him whether he hurt me intentionally, and he said yes. I asked him why, and he told me it was because I was there. In the end(?) of our relationship (we still havent ended it officially), I was diagnosed with manic depression. So well, I guess I ended up crazy.

Sounds like the freak I knew! He also had Borderline PD and I'm no Dr., but I see traits of that in your freak too. Regardless, they are all animals. Smelly, gross, slimey animals.

All the same stuff, I swear! I heard all of that and more. I was too sensitive, so I stopped reacting and then I didn't care. I never stopped by his house, so I did and he was rude so I left. I'd accomplish something and he'd ignore it, but if I didn't mention it, then he'd recognize me for it. It goes on and on and on. Who does this?!?!! Well, we all know that they all do! Eventually, I stopped saying much of anything and apologizing for whatever I did say. He made me so paranoid of saying or acting on anything that it has taken a long time to correct that behavior and sometimes I still falter. ARGH!!!!!!

Oh yes, indeed. Thanks for sharing these examples.....his words to you COMPLETELY and accurately show how warped they are. The contradictions, "the damned if you do, damned if you don't thing", the double standard of what applies to you doesn't apply to them etc....crazymaking indeed! No matter what we do or don't do...with them it's always wrong. Can't win. I was wrong if I took a certain route to his house, so the next time I'd follow his advice and go the route he thought was quicker...and then i'd get a "why did you go that way, you should have went the other way!" .....and mindboggled me thought, "ya why DID i go that way, man I'm dumb." Or he'd get mad if I went out with friends so I then felt like I shouldn't go out with friends...and then he told me that it seems like I never want to do anything with my time not spent with him. Actually, after reading your post, I remembered I was once involved with an on-line dating site briefly.....before I met last N.....anyways, this one guy who I now know was a complete narc, would do this crazymaking talk....ON MSN.....he would say something, then deny saying it altogether.....and I HAD IT IN WRITING what he said...yet, I still questioned myself lol It's absurd!

Your post reminded me of something that is minor, but not really!! It's the principal of the thing. My dog didn't like the N and barked a lot when he came into my home. One time, the N corrected the dog which was ok altho I don't think it was his place (I believe he was jealous of the dog as I gave it alot of attention). Anyway, I was working in the kitchen at the time slicing a banana. I usually give a piece to my dog. I did and the N went into a tizzy. And then I felt the need to apologize saying to N I was on automatic - which I was. Afterward it came to me - why am I apologizing to him? It's my dog, my home, my banana and if I want to give the dog something, I will!! It was like I was going against him or being disloyal. Gosh, I would have hated to be his wife and/or kids. No wonder his 30 something son won't speak to him!! I still can't believe I felt I should apologize!!! He was trying to start something AGAIN!! Grrrr!!

Yes, I went through very similar instances. What you describe sounds most like a narc I dated back in college. He would contradict a lot. This latest guy--he did the crazymaking stuff too. I found the crazymaking to be the worst of all the ''behaviors.'' Hanging the phone up on me constantly, was a close second. I don't miss any of this...it really became the whole relationship after a while. Me walking on eggshells. Did you just break up w/him?

Same guy different body! They are all the same, liars, users & losers! It's ok to feel hurt, shocked, but you need to keep pushing to find you again! To Win the Narc game you must erase them and become stronger than you were before! Stay Strong Idealk

crazymaking with the Borderline I was involved with that for the longest time I couldn't even think straight. Some of your examples reminded me so much of what happened to me I'd swear we were with the same person... ...and yes, I began to feel that I was in fact crazy... ...and he began to count on that... ...and after reading this and 5.5 months NC I am practically JUMPING FOR JOY that I no longer have to deal with it and that I see it for what it is: CRAZYNESS FROM A DISTURBED INDIVIDUAL!! I hope you are doing well, Alibi. I am making strides. I send you a hug and good vibes. sincerely (think I've finally stopped) spinning...AND IT DOESN'T EVEN REMOTELY FEEL CRAZY!!!