Consequences...another question

Ok...so I had been an observer of sorts to a breakdown by Mr. N. His gf at the time found out that he wasn't being faithful and he spent gobs of time and energy on the one hand apologizing profusely to her and on the other hand, ensuring that he still had me. These men are really good at compartmentalizing their lives...so although they can and do apologize, it does nothing to actually change who they are. They just get smarter at keeping parts of their lives separate. Also, their emotions run really shallow so at one minute they will act as if you are the most important thing to them and when they have secured you, completely ignore or start treating you the way they always have. This is about them, never forget it!! It is best to look at an apology as just another way to keep you in control and keep you hooked.

and have no sincere remorse. When mine realized he had hurt me terribly posting public pics of him with a cheap ooking lady, instead of apologizing, he called his best friends and the three of them blocked me from their fan pages - in other words, he was worried that i was going to publicly ruin his image and circled the wagons - his concern was for his image being tarnished with fans, not me. he felt shame big time, but not true compassion for the pain I suffered. they do not have the emotional wiring...it is a terrible disorder to not be able to feel the damage you do to others...the consequences are just to be taken like a bullet and then they just wait for the storm to pass and do the exact same shitty things again... that is why they do not respond to counseling, jail, bankruptcy, losing wives and children...all the things that would shake up a normal person and help them turn it around

Hi Brokenglass, what a great question you've posed and such a difficult one to know the true answer to. I have asked this myself several times because even though my exN very rarely apologized while in our relationship for the emotional abuse, he has apologized since our breakup on many occasions about how he regrets certain things that happened which he was responsible for. It is hard for me to see the narc in him when he has spoken of wanting to see me happy and healthy again and the regret (possibly even remorse?) he feels about the ill he caused me. He says he was acting from an unhealthy place himself and didn't realize the damage it would cause me... that he wishes it had been different. Does he really feel remorse about it? For me, it has been two years since he left and I have a much clearer head about what our relationship was and the way he really is. He has been a narc in every way except for those apologies which have seemed sincere. Do I think he is really a narc and not just a selfish asshole - YES I do! WHY? Because even though he says the right things sometimes, what he does in his life, the way his actions present him and the things he says about his perspective on life tell me he IS a disordered narc. In your case, your ex has a lot to lose... you, his children and his appearance to others. I am sure he does regret that what he did has landed him in this place... but that does not mean he isn't a narc IMO. Not I, nor anyone else here can professionally diagnose him or tell you what to think, your father is right... his actions will speak louder to show you his truest nature - it is a matter of watching and listening very carefully. Bottom line, what he is, is someone who has behaved badly and hurt both you and your children. The chances of him changing the pattern he's established with you (narc or not) is unlikely, considering the amount of work he will need to do on himself to get there. You have been doing positive things for yourself - my advice is to keep doing those things and decide what is better for you... to have a view of him as someone who deserves to be let back in possibly to destroy this positive growth? or as someone you can forgive, yet make sure stays far enough away from you as to NOT cause any further damage to your sense of well being and happiness?

Sorry? For having an affair? Please..........unless he was held captive, against his will, then "sorry" is nothing but a load of crap. We all are conscious of our actions and are willing to suffer the consequences.

If I happen to get caught up in a moment and do something to someone else, within moments I usually feel guilt and regret. I apologize and hope the person understands that I've made a mistake and I've acknowledged it and hope to never repeat it with them or anyone else. That's kind of how most people work. It shouldn't take someone months or years to realize they have harmed another individual. Someone who can't understand or care that they have hurt someone else is just broken. I don't mean to sound vulgar or cruel... BUT This fucknut is not concerned about the damage he has done to you. The only damage control they DO muster up the courage for is only to gain back their NS. It's all about panic at that point. HE IS ONLY SORRY THAT HE HAS NO NS! There is no other NS available. The other men in prison probably aren't going to fall for his shit and sympathize. Let's be honest here... men who end up in prison for abusing women or children are often segregated for their OWN SAFETY. Do you think he will gain sympathy from men who would rather knock his teeth in and use him for a cum dumpster? Not a chance! And he sure isn't going to find a new woman in prison... therefore he only has you. The realization of that fact alone is the ONLY driving force in his so called apology. God I hate these assholes more and more...

Most of us when we have hurt someone realize it in a short period of time and will apologize soon there after. I don't know exactly how long it took this man to apologize to you, but I think if a lot of time has passed the apology would not indicate remorse for his actions, rather that in order to get what HE wants its a sacrifice he must make. My N wouldn't apologize under ANY circumstance. Its funny how instead of saying, "I'm sorry for hurting you..." {Emphasis on YOU} He would say, "I feel bad about..." (emphasis on HIM}

Hi Broken Glass Re: Apologies Yes, I do think the apology can be real, but the emphasis is on can. These N's are excellent actors and can even cry. But it is also a manipulation for a greater purpose, the only reason he is admitting any wrong is to get something out of you not because he truely feels remorse or guilt, rather he feels something that causes him to apologize so that you can fall back into line with what he wants/needs. Look at actions, not words to truly see if his actions back up the apology. Having ANYTHING to do with N will bite you in the ass enough so that eventually, If allowed it to continue you can count on having your ass chewed off !

What is fake and what is not is so hard to figure out with this type of peopele. I held on to what you daddy told you. "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks".. I watched for two years, I wanted to see a difference. Our marriage came apart after I found out he was having a second affair. It was during that time that I learned about his NPD issues. We always had issues that I just couldn't put my fingure on. Once I learned about his NPD things really started to come together. But I did like your daddy is telling you, I watched and I watched. For me I think once I got a way from him slowly I started to hear my inner voice. You know that "gut feeling", I had over the 12 years that we were together forgotten what my inner voice sounded like. I think living with someone that constantly lies to you that constantly spines things makes you lose touch with that inner voice. But once I started to recoginze it I just sat back. I didn't react to what my gut feeling was telling me but I at least started listening. During those two years I heard many "I'm sorries", many many apologies, I saw him embrace church, I saw him trying to control his temper. But I still just watched, I didn't trust it at all. At times I even felt guilty for not trusting his actions or the words coming out of his mouth. In the end I filed and left but let me tell you what I found out in the end. The month before our divorce was finally he attacked me physically. Our divorce became fianle in July 2010, two months after the kids and I left he moved in an entirely new family into the home we had just shared as a family. Several months later I found out from the husband of the woman he had an affair with that they NEVER stopped contacting each other, they even got "together" two more times after I confronted him about the affair. But for two years he swore up and down that he had stopped that affair. This was a man that would go to church and cry and cry and confess his "sin" but all along was still carrying on with her! This was a man that swore he loved me above all others and would fight to get us all back as a family until he died, but yet moved in another family shortly after we left! I say to you listen to your daddy, watch and watch, challenge everything that doesn't look right, doesn't feel right and see how he reacts to those challenges. Mine just kept lying and lying and in the end God revealed all to me. If he is NPD there is no good in him, everything he does good or bad is for him and him only. Don't be decieved, watch and watch, challenge and challenge. Galatians 6:7 says, "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A person reaps what they sow." I believe they are only sorry for the consequences that they have to face but not sorry for the hurt that have caused. Hope that helps.