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Co parenting Relationship with an N

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#1 Apr 5 - 1PM
shyloh
shyloh's picture

Co parenting Relationship with an N

N and I divorced since August. We were separated for 3 years, I initiated divorce after some toxic VA and PA and control but I clung to a life raft of disaster for way to long. Still loved him when we divorced and prob still do, but know I am better off.
Trying to move past the him with GF and "insta family". D recently came back from visit and recently ExN has been chatty.
He called me last week to discuss taxes (posted on that). Now when he calls to talk to D he is chatty with me, regarding D. He doesn't over step any boundaries or ask personal questions. He just seems to want to chit chat about D-like what she ate while there, and specifics about her, that he never asked before. (maybe this is a good thing, as he is becoming more involved with D's life-but not enough to see her more often) It hurts me to hear him talking about him and GF as in "we this"(just about things as they apply to D) "we that", etc etc, doesnt he think this may still bother me. Or could he possibly think I am completely over it so it is safe to have these matter of fact conversations with him.
I know it doesnt matter what he thinks anymore, or it shouldnt, but when he talks to me like this, it is new and hard for me.
How do I co parent and maintain boundaries with him. Am I doing that already. Since he doesnt bring personal stuff up (other than his finances), do I just talk to him. I do tend to end the conversation myself. Becasue, sorry I may still some how love the father of my child-as sick as that may sound. But I dont lie him and I am not completely over it. In his way he moved on, moved in quickly with someone else. Me, I am not jumping into any relationship any time soon and I am getting over it by processing and learning about MYSELF, so I have more knowledge of myself and my D benefits.
what you think?

Apr 6 - 8AM
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Being with my N and seeing

Being with my N and seeing what he does to his baby's momma...I will say he is using D as a gateway. I would keep converstaions VERY brief but write everything down that he needs to know. He created her and she used the baby to hurt him in retaliation. Not letting him see his kid, keep going back for more and more money, etc. Finally the courts worked everything out. At first I was mad that she would use a child to 'get back at him'. If the court paper says "Pick up at 7:00" on Friday" She does not allow N to get his son at 6:45. He must sit in the driveway. I pondered this over and over again as to 'what's the big difference if he picks his son up fifteen minutes early." I think part of it is to 'get back at him' and part of it is to maintain control over the situation...so N can't weasel his way back in. Once she starts loosening up and giving him leeway he uses it to his advantage and starts softening her up. Believe me, she would go back to him in a heartbeat if she thought he could be a loving, caring family man. But she finally realized after 5 years and a son, that it is not possible, so she has to keep every advantage of boundries as she can. If he could get back with her he would. But not for anything loving and caring. So he can eliminate child support, so he can have his son around all the time with the convenience of his 'real mom' taking care of him. So it looks good to society that he is a 'family man'...etc... So, my advice is DON'T talk to him longer than you have to. It should only be about important things really, not small talk chit chat things. Be firm when you make decisions about your daughter. They are not like regular people....him talking to you is tactical. There is a motive for it.
Apr 8 - 4AM (Reply to #10)
shyloh
shyloh's picture

ugggggggggggggggggh. I want

ugggggggggggggggggh. I want to cry and scream. Lat night my Ex mil sent me pics of baby girls trip to visit dad few weeks ago. Well, I understand that she wanted to share with me and let D see them, but if that is the case do you think she could have sent them via mail or not email me pics of the trip-with pics of the fam-exN, new GF and the 3 kids all happy and at the zoo, etc . It was so hard for me to look at those pics. Of course, I processed through the fact that exN looks, thinner and fitter than he ever did while we were together and he looks rested and happy. She is cute and young and the pics were all of them sitting togetehr at a restaurant, zoo etc!!!!!!! wtf Her house is absoultely gorgeous and after all of this I beat myself up-oh I live in an apartment , etc etc etc. I have some good things in my life going on, but as soon as I saw that-I felt like utter shit about myself! Not only do I need to know he is with someone and happy-I eben get to see it. To much for me.
Apr 8 - 11AM (Reply to #11)
shyloh
shyloh's picture

anyone have a similar

anyone have a similar experience
Apr 6 - 12PM (Reply to #9)
M
M's picture

I agree

...if you give an inch, they will take a mile.
Apr 6 - 4AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

About Finances

You say he doesn't discuss anything personal but his finances. Also, earlier, you wrote re: taxes -- that asking for tax money was the first time you heard from him in a long time. And, he's learned in his "insta-family" that one asks about what the child ate & did. (I saw my N pick up on these 'clues' like a sponge. Means to connect with people. Because, really, he could give a rat's butt. Unless he needed to cultivate that person.) He needs to cultivate you. The child is the quickest way. If he is in the family way with his insta-family, why doesn't she pay his taxes? If she gave him money, do you think you'd hear from him? If he had a windfall, do you think you'd hear from him? No. He wouldn't want the child support increased. I think you are lonely for a man. OK you remain single by choice. But. being a single mother is a lonely business. The child sucks the life without ever giving any mature response. You are lonely for adult, male attention. He needs money & maybe 'supply' if insta-family is not perfect. Talks re: daughter are the quickest way to butter you up. Heck, it's working. Here you are pondering his interest & your latent feelings for the father of your child. Soon you will wonder if you misjudged him. Maybe I shouldn't have divorced him with such haste? Maybe he would have been a good father?
Apr 6 - 2PM (Reply to #6)
shyloh
shyloh's picture

thank you guys for your

thank you guys for your responses. All very helpful. Yes I do believe I am lonely for what a man can bring to the table, in other words, I miss the physical intimacy and I keep equating that with ExN. It is definitely true that he calls me only if and when he needs something, like the taxes, or the visitation order changed, etc. And I apreciate the input from the person who wrote what she saw her N do to his ex wife. It is very true, you need majorly clear boundaries and rules with these types. I was/am the easiest going person there is (actually a doormat) but when we divorced I learned I could not budge on visitation, I had to garnish wages-yeah I must seem like a controlling bitch myself-but IF YOU GIVE AN INCH THEY TAKE A MILE!!!!
Apr 7 - 6AM (Reply to #7)
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

If you give an inch they take a mile

...correct! Having STRICT almost unbendable boundries is the closest thing you can get to NC when co-parenting with and N....
Apr 6 - 3AM
shyloh
shyloh's picture

anyone have any thoughts on

anyone have any thoughts on this?
Apr 6 - 7AM (Reply to #2)
M
M's picture

it's hard...

..but I would stay aloof & distant. His "chattiness" may be a way to keep you in his supply loop. I would ignore his questions about your D. Keep it to custody logistics finanaces. Be businesslike. I communicate with my xhN through email only. Single momhood is tough, but you can do it. Sure, we would love a wonderful, kind, strong loving man in our lives. But we don't NEED one---and we don't need the drama from an N! Focus on you--show your daughter what a fabulous strong woman is by your example.
Apr 7 - 4AM (Reply to #3)
shyloh
shyloh's picture

Thank you for saying "we dont

Thank you for saying "we dont need one" . Honestly Agnes' response (which was awesome and insightful), the part about me missing a man threw me for a loop. I know it is true but I do prode myself on not bringing just anyone around and replacing the "man" that was in my life. I know, being a single mom is in a way draining of you dont have a another mature outlet/reward in it. But I am trying to do that in other ways-friends, exercise, business. I would love to "date" casually but I just havent met anyone. Whenever I am feeling lonely or missing sex, I think of ExN. As a matter of fact he was in my dreams last night and it was very painful. I still process stuff in my dreams. All I am saying is that it is NICE to not get over someone , by just replacing that space and not working through the muck. although, i hope to love again and in a mutually respectful healthy relationship. I left a message for ExN last night, from D's teacher-somethig important. And my intentions were to just let him know, it was something very positive. I rarely do this, as I do not want him to misinterpret and frankly contact is to painful still. He never even acknolwedged the message. Again, my intentions were to let him know this great news, but I felt like him not responding was an indifference or punishment to me. I still sense he "hates me for taking D 1200 miles away", but I had no choise than to get out out out three years ago. Maybe I shouldnt even let him know things and just let him ask. ??!!
Apr 7 - 6AM (Reply to #4)
curlybrown
curlybrown's picture

Reading everyone's comments

It's good that we have eachother to share our co-parenting struggles. Someone (I forget who now) told me its not co-parenting. Just a nanny who shares the same DNA...that is so true! They don't care what happens to our kids...good or bad. Unfortunately for them, our children are supply to them. They are losing that unconditional love we get to experience with them. They only care how it affects their image...cause remember it's all about them. So if you have good news...and its not in the local paper...they don't care. If you have bad news....and mutual friends aren't aware...they can't pretend to care. They are sick individuals. It's better to forgive them for your soul (easier said than done...doesn't mean you have to be friends;and NC is still best..only written with kids)and know you tried your best. My final break-up has been very recent. I have been left with an 11 month old and no money to pay the rent. A vehicle that is under his name...and his threats to remove it from my possession. This is tough. I also know that when I have absolutely NC..I start healing. When I get a message from a third party...how he paid my electric bill and wants to know what else I need (and my heart softens)...then 15 minutes tells the 3rd party "F.. her..when I said the rent needed to be paid." He also asked the third party if he wanted to go on a "bike run" this weekend. So...here I am taking care of his son, worrying how I'm going to keep a roof over his son's head, and he's going away this weekend...saying fuck her...she should have thought of that before she kicked me out.