Is this classic hoovering?

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#1 Mar 18 - 4PM

dazed and seeki...

Is this classic hoovering?

Also, is it "hoovering" as in Hoover the vacuum? Or do we mean "hovering" as in hovering over us? Sorry I've been confused about the definition of "hoovering" as we define it and how to pronounce it.

So a week ago, N and I chatted. I had him blocked...somehow the block didn't work, and he wrote to me. And I know I engaged when I shouldn't have. I thought I'd share this because I wanted to know if this is "hoovering" and what you all experienced? I know I sound like I am over him and staying strong, but deep down, in a part of my heart that hasn't healed, I want so badly to know that his words here are real. But they aren't...right?

I apologize for the typos - I basically cut and pasted but took out lengthy unnecessary parts. I also know what is wrong on my part - I shouldn't have responded. I shouldn't have tried to explain. I shouldn't have gotten mad. I am struggling with NC (clearly), and I am working on accepting that he is a lie and that these past 3 years were a lie - so that I can stop having nightmares that haunt me every night, so that I can process it as much as I can so that my brain stops thinking about him.

here is the chat:

“N”: booger pls!!!!!!! :-(
me: whoa, how are you writing me. you can see me? [I thought I blocked him on gchat]
”N”: with sad paws, no [ugh each time i read this, i feel a twinge of pain and sadness, because he can be really cute sometimes]
me: “N” can i say something?
”N”: sure
me: for the past 3 years i feel like i basically have written an entire manual for how to do this if you want this but you just want to be sad and walk away when things get hard for you. i know I’ve come running back to you each time bc i always feel bad but that simply isn't enough anymore...the sad act. i need more from you, i need you to step up
”N”: that's fine. I want to give more. Ok. let me step up
me: but each time i ask you, you back down
”N”: i am not backing down
me: and say "i need to think if i can do this" you do. you already did. On Saturday, on Friday - every single time actually.
”N”: listen, i am here

[after some more back and forth about how he wants to be there and my describing how he’s not been there so much that it’s too late]

”N”: booger, you are just not giving me a chance. my actions forward have been honest
me: a chance? I’ve given you a million
”N”: and I am open, you have in the past but you are not giving me a chance now
me: and you have never stepped up to the plate, i need to take care of me bc you haven’t
”N”: ok
me: you only took
”N”: fine take care of her. i want to help also

[a LOT more back and forth. I start expressing my anger about how he was never there for me after he cheated on me. He left me hanging. He denies that he did that and says that he wrote to me and eventually stopped contacting her. The get even more angry at the fact that he doesn’t see that it’s really messed up that he acknowledges that he continued communicating with her WHILE he was trying to make things up to me. He is asking for a chance and begging for me to come back]

”N”: look, you want to fight
me: STOP, STOP TALKING
”N”: i just wanted to see if we could find a time to talk
me: now you want to say i want to fight? Nooooo, ”N,” you want to fight - you want to sit there and say you've done enough. you haven’t. if you think you've done enough, then fine for you, ok? there is no argument here. you have done NOTHING for me, and that’s not something you can argue
”N”: i am not telling you I've done enough
me: so move on

[I write about how I had wished this worked, but I know it can’t. I want him to move on, etc.]

”N”: I'm sorry angel
me: i gave you the way
”N”: i hope your day get's better
me: i paved the way, i wrote you steps to take and you didn’t do anything
”N”: love, you have a lot going on, don't fast your time with me, i'm here
me: so leave me alone, you had 3 years
”N”: if you want to talk later, I’m sorry about everything, i'll be praying for you i prayed a lot last night
me: no pray for yourself you need it
”N”: I do, you are a sweet girl, i miss you so much, take care
me: ”N” you are you a joke, and have never proven otherwise. please walk away from me. just do it. its better for me and for you
”N”: ok i will today, but I'll be back
me: no don’t turn back
”N”: you've had a rough day and I want to respect your space i will
me: its not today its everyday i don’t want you back. Pls, i am begging you to stay away from me. i am asking you nicely. i am not good for you
”N”: i love you. show me your face pls

[here, he wants me to get on the webcam! What the heck?!]

me: you are still the same, no, you aren’t even on, so no. I’m sick of this

[he use to always ask me to get on the webcam, but he would never get on for me]

”N”: i'm at work
me: it’s such a one way street
”N”: listen love, pls stop talking. let me
me: “N” walk away. today you couldn’t even be there for me. so walk way
”N”: let me finish some work, and talk to you tonight
me: no
”N”: i want to hear about your day, i'm not walking away, so, we better buckle down and fix this
me: ive got several phone calls lined up, tonight and im hitting the gym in 10, sorry “N”
”N”: I'm not ever leaving. ok love, I'll be around. i'm sorry about it all
me: i know you wish and want. you’re not. you have no idea what you’re sorry about. and you have no idea what you want
”N”: i do. so many things. i'll be happy to tell you about them all
me: you only want this bc you are lonely bc she is gone bc the second one wasn’t a good enough in bed …who knows
”N”: she is gone. she's in Boston [he’s talking about me here, trying to be cute]
me: but you are sick ”N”
”N”: love just stop, your typing mean stuff, i have to go. i am sorry and I'm praying for us both. i am at work, i had no idea this was going to go down, sometimes you're ok
me: im never ok. i haven’t been for 3 years. it's called holding it in. that's why i blow up
”N”: well sometimes you can at least get through
me: get through haha
”N”: i hear ya
me: thats what you want, for me to just “get through”
”N”: ok
me: go this is nuts
”N”: i'm going to be around
me: i wanted to end nicely but you arent allowing it
”N”: look i'm going to lay i tall out, i'm here and I'm not leaving
me: so pls just go
”N”: nope b/c I am fixing this
me: you cant
”N”: we are going to do it i love you and I can fix it
me: “N” you are sick
”N”: and the sooner you get on board
me: this is sick talk
”N”: the better we'll be. i love you
me: a man who loved me would want the best for me, and the best for me
”N”: I have had a rough day also ] and if you want to hera about it i'll be happy to share. [classic Narc talk! i have to go. goodbye
me: i dont

#2 Apr 6 - 1PM

Deidre40

From ''booger'' to 'love''

From ''booger'' to 'love'' all in the same chat. He is a passive aggressive type, it seems. He wants to placate you, so you seem crazy as your anger escalates. I got sad...reading he addressed you as 'love.' That is what my current bf addresses me as. (who is a narc) He addressed me as that today. Unfortunately...NC is the only way. Or fortunately, depending how you look at that. lol But, this is why talking to them is just a downward spiral into nowhere land. And he walks away knowing you're still stirring. You're not over him. Bla bla... Don't communicate with him anymore. Really. When/if things disintegrate with my current relationship, which it's going in that direction...I will break off communication. We also belong to a website together...and I didn't go on there today. I think I'm done with that. It takes time...but, you might have to avoid places you used to hang out, in case you bump into him. Not that he should have that much power over you, but...until you can handle bumping into him in an unemotional way...or have the need to answer him at all...I'd avoid the places online and offline that bring back memories. Hugs for you. I know your pain. :=(

#3 Mar 19 - 9PM

Steph

I love how when you are

I love how when you are expressing your anger towards him he goes on about you having a "rough day" and he will "pray for you". Like you don't have reason to be upset, it MUST be because you had a bad day.. And then telling you HE has had a rough day too. Poor baby Typical narc. Twisting things back to you. Manipulative. He's not even good at hoovering.

#4 Mar 20 - 12AM (Reply to #37)

IncognitoBurrito

Yes

"I love how when you are expressing your anger towards him he goes on about you having a "rough day" and he will "pray for you"." Yes, ma'am. That's textbook narc-speak, for ya. Always abut them.

#5 Mar 19 - 10PM (Reply to #33)

dazed and seeki...

staying strong, he isn't good

staying strong, he isn't good at hoovering! in fact he isn't even good at being a narc! meaning he is SO obviously a narc, that i wonder if he really is or not - like the "deceptive" part of it seems to be missing and he seems like this innocent boy. but at times, i really feel like he actually is SUCH a good narc he has me fooled into thinking that he has no idea what he is doing. this is where i stop thinking. because i start to drive myself crazy. i know i am trying to diagnose him and the relationship because i want answers. and i want secretly to believe that he in fact is not a narc. i keep looking for little signs that he is not one - but he exhibits way too many signs. and they are way too obvious. it really is such a mindf*ck trying to heal after learning about this disorder and that this was all fake. and yes - he does that quite a lot: make it sound like *I* am the one who needs praying for, and the one who needs help. he always made me feel like i was the one with issues and disorders. and that my anger about the relationship was always due to something else - bad day, attitude problems, the weather, anything and everything other than him. really frustrating. the bottom line is that whatever he is, he is not good for me. thanks everybody for walking me through this process and today. i can't say how grateful i am to have come across this forum. these past couple of days have been really odd - i felt like i was backtracking and feeling more confused about things. but i actually finally, within the past 15 minutes, felt less anxious about his persistent attempts at trying to reach out to me. xo.

#6 Mar 20 - 12AM (Reply to #35)

michele115 (not verified)

DAZED...

I meant to also point out like the ladies said...that reversing back to you... It's called Projection another classic trait... Many of us *snicker* have been "diagnosed" by the narcs as bi-polar using the same techniques....

#7 Mar 20 - 5PM (Reply to #36)

WiserNow30

That is so crazy that my Ex N

That is so crazy that my Ex N used to tell me his ex-wife was bi-polar. He even went so far as to show me the medical bills to prove that she was in therapy. Of course, now I know that she was in therapy because of what he did to her. When I ended things, he kept trying to get me to go to couples therapy with him. Now I know why. He wants to be able to tell everyone that I'm in therapy and I'm crazy. I'm sure he will still tell them that I'm crazy. Too bad he can't use that one with his family. They know I'm not crazy as I'm still FB friends with them. Some even "liked" my status when I said that I was looking forward to my new beginning. Lol!

#8 Mar 19 - 10PM (Reply to #34)

Steph

I'm happy to see that you

I'm happy to see that you recognize that whatever he is "he isn't good" for you. I think we all get caught up in labels and proper diagnosis. He's this with a bit of that, but also fits this so maybe he's not this but more of that lol Mindf&cking is right! Honestly, i kinda think it's like this: If one murderer killed one person, and another killed 5.....it doesn't make the first one "better" or "not AS bad". They are both dangerous! So, I think if someone fits enough of the criteria for ANY PD and have repeateldy treated you poorly, WHO CARES what their disorder is, they're disorderd. Period.

#9 Mar 19 - 5PM

Amazed

Feel better about yourself

To walk away and don't look back, you are not just an extension of another person, YOU ARE YOUR OWN PERSON. If the guy you are with doens't get that, and treat you with love, respect, and devotion, then lose him. This is they KEY: FIND A NERD WHO WILL TRULY LOVE YOU. Look for a different kind of guy who will LOVE YOU, and who you LIKE. A woman told me this in a meeting, and I will never forget her words. She is so true.

#10 Mar 19 - 5PM

jen79

oh my god

this could have been mine. Gosh, they are all the same. Thanks for sharing that, it is so clearing to read the same BS from someone else, with a clear perception of what is going on. Delete, go NC, you will never ever get closure from him, ever. He will still be there in 100 years toying with you the same way. Please dont waste more time. You have to end it, he will never (mine is the same, believe me).

#11 Mar 19 - 6PM (Reply to #27)

dazed and seeki...

jen79, when your N did this

jen79, when your N did this to you, did you fall for it and eventually get burned again? how so? i just want to know how it is that they can make such bold promises, and really be lying about them. what does that type of deception look like? it's like promising a child that you are going to give her candy, and then not following through. it's like such a clear boldface promise, that not to keep it seems just so clearly evil. sorry. i know i sound really naive. it helps to hear...if anybody can just tell me what they think will happen...ugh.

#12 Mar 19 - 6PM (Reply to #28)

jen79

yes I agreed hundred times to such a thing

And he never kept his words. He only wants to secure the status quo, having some control over you, or the knowing that he could come back to you every time he wants to. As soon as you give in and start to trust him, he will get back to his old behaviour, blowing cold, becoming distant, and you will be suddenly the one chasing him again. Dont fall for that. For me its been 3 years now too. Last hoover like that was about 2 weeks ago. No more of that BS. Not one more year me waiting for him to keep up to his words and promises. Its a mindfuck. Its passive aggressive. He doesnt want you, he just wants to make sure you dont run away for ever. And the next time he will have an excuse again, some problems why he couldnt follow through last time, and he will push your empathy button. If this doesnt work, he will apologize and admit his mistakes, but saying, like yours did here already, its you that pressuring too much and dont give the thing not time to evolve naturally. All BS. Dont let yourself manipulate in such a thing.

#13 Mar 19 - 6PM (Reply to #29)

dazed and seeki...

thanks so much jen79. i don't

thanks so much jen79. i don't know why after going through this a million times, i can't seem to remember or retain the memory of the bad. i start to miss him. i start to wish for the old. i start to want the status quo too. and i start to think that perhaps this time will be different...it's just such a terrible way to end a relationship. i was really "in love" with him. i fell harder for him than anybody else. i guess the problem with breaking up with the N is that we have to accept that we leave and will always be haunted with the "what ifs" or the "i wonder what would've happened if i gave in one more time" because there is no closure. there is no more one more chance. we have to just cut it in the middle of its cycle and stop feeding the toxic rounds of same old stuff. i will read this and remember that this is what will happen if i turn back. have you been NC for 2 weeks already? did he leave you alone for these 2 weeks. my N would always come running back to me. this is the problem. he is so persistent about this and wanting this, it really confuses me. isn't his MO suppose to be to find somebody else? or to get mad at me and ignore me as well? he has really been sending all sorts of kind emails. and hasn't backed down.

#14 Mar 19 - 7PM (Reply to #30)

jen79

when they are persistent

its because they are low of supply. Of other supply, or they are having stress with one supply and you are the distraction. Thats my experience. Yes mine leaves me in peace now. I made it clear, that its over. And still, I expect him to come back some day, when he feels bored again, just to test the waters. But he is blocked in every way. It is like you said, there is always this what if. But I am so tired of it. I am sure, he doesnt want me, nor does he want to see me. All he wants is the knowing that he could have me if he wanted to. And I want something else. I want passion and love, like it felt in the beginning with him, only with someone who is not faking it.

#15 Mar 19 - 2PM

dazed and seeki...

thanks everybody for your

thanks everybody for your responses. i think i am going to sit tight. i think for now i will work on not checking the trash for his emails. michele, to answer your question, i don't know if i am ready. i feel really confused right now, but i made it a point to try to reach day 14 of NC. i know that what i've been doing, reading his emails to me, doesn't count as NC, but i haven't been able to do that yet. i guess that answers your question - clearly i am not ready. if the chat i posted here is in fact manipulative, mirroring, brainwashing, fake, etc. then i need to sit back and just absorb the fact that even when he is trying so hard to reach out to me, that it really doesn't mean anything. i am afraid of being burned again. i just haven't been able to disengage completely. i think years of brainwashing has made me revolve my world around him. and i need to search for myself and gain it back. it's strange to think that my world revolved around somebody who doesn't really exist, and who is in fact mirroring ME. so where am *I* in all of this then? why am i unable to find it in myself that strength to really close the door? i'm sorry everybody, i am just really frustrated at myself and this whole process. it has felt like a huge flight with myself. i guess this is what "detoxing" from an addiction feels like. sorry for ranting on here. it's been an outlet for my confusion these past 2 days. i just feel tired now.

#16 Mar 19 - 5PM (Reply to #25)

michele115 (not verified)

Dazed and seeking

Well, I appreciate your honesty. Being honest with oneself is the FIRST step. You know it's my job to tell you..."NC" But I realize that it takes time to process all of it. Just stay close to the board.... Read, try to become more aware... Try to really see this for what it is. He is an abuser and he's playing with your mind... But I know how hard it is to see through it when you're still pretty fresh half in and out of the water. I hope you can get to the dry sand soon and make a decision. I also hope that you will entertain NC really seriously as that is the key that will lift the fog and the confusion. As long as you stay even halfway engaged bargaining essentially with yourself...he will still be holding the strings and you will still very much be the puppet... AND it starts to get really sick...and really damaging... Hugs!

#17 Mar 19 - 2PM

Happy1

You're causing yourself pain

You're causing yourself pain each and every time you're in contact. The pain sucks and I avoid it!!

#18 Mar 19 - 12PM

Hunter

DAZED

I couldn't even finish read this non sense. I have 3 things to say. DELETE,DELETE,DELETE Idealk

#19 Mar 19 - 11AM

dazed and seeki...

update on the hoovering

i'm on day 4 of NC. and he left a couple of emails yesterday: first one: just in case you forgot, your on my mind :-) second one: I miss you so much. I love you more than you'll ever know. I will never forget the sadness and hurt I caused, I'm sorry. oh he actually sent a third one with a link to a laptop that i should look at (because he knows i've been looking for a laptop). i really hate this. he is so persistent all of a sudden. i haven't found a way to accept completely that he is a disordered person and that he will never change. these past three years really were in vain huh...i just can't get over how difficult it is to get over this relationship.

#20 Mar 20 - 11AM (Reply to #21)

Hunter

DAZED

Send it to Junk because that's what it is. Its very difficult to get over, If you keep looking his BS you wont get better. If you are looking at these Emails you are not NC. He is pushing buttons and its working. Idealk

#21 Mar 19 - 11AM (Reply to #20)

michele115 (not verified)

Dazed...

Are you ready to take steps to prevent his access to you?

#22 Mar 19 - 11AM (Reply to #19)

really

Stop.

You need to stop reading emails or texts or listening to VMs he leaves you. That IS contact. You will not be able to move further than where you are if you are still listening to what he's saying. I know it's hard! It's incredibly hard when we wanted so much for them to be who we thought they were and thought they could be. But you need to stop! You are not really NC yet. You may even be in a worse position because you are listening to what he has to say and have committed to stop saying anything you wish to. You're halfway there, but really need to commit to the other half. It does get easier and it will get easier once you stop exposing yourself and immediately delete anything from him. Do this to protect yourself and give yourself the best opportunity to move forward. Think about it...

#23 Mar 18 - 5PM

Scoop

oh lord , the narc got you

oh lord , the narc got you number in the first sentance and he saw his chance and wormed his way in . This is a classic exsample on how they are preditory and such a push and pull in his text its has made my head swim . This is classic narc in action , and YES it is hovering !. Please dont fall for this bollocks . Its time like this that you need to refure back to youre jornal , if you havnt kept one start now , write down all the shit things he has done and how it made you feel , ie cheated on you and put you in danger of an STD , how he disregards youre feelings over the relationship .. write it all down , the nights you have cryed youre eyes out and how "im sorry baby " just dosnt hit the spot ... my narc said "im sorry " when i had cryed so hard i got a nose bleed . He has got no idea what he is sorry for , he is sorry you have gone NC thats all , he is sorry he cant controle you anymore ... please write it all down . please go nc , nc takes a while to work , a few months and that must be youre commitment , if you dont go nc you alow a psycopath to play with youre head and all the pain you feel now you can double it next time he cheats on you . This conversation with youre narc is manipulation and nothing more .Dont fall for the flowerly words as that is all they are . how do i know ? because i have read the same words over and over from diffrent women on this board and none of them have a happy ever after story , pathology is predictable.. Dont feel bad for breaking NC , we have all done it , what you need to do is read between the lines , read all you can on cluster bs and in time it will come clear ..there is an edge of hope to youre post and i suspect there was a "rush" of adrenline when you spoke to him , that is normal , what is not normal is the pain he caused you , when a man really loves a woman he will bend over backwards to understand the pain he caused and will move mountains to put it right ... i dont see that in youre conversation . When a man just says "sorry , sorry " proberly means he isnt . big love to you tonight ...xx

#24 Mar 18 - 5PM (Reply to #14)

dazed and seeki...

scoop, everything you said is

scoop, everything you said is what my therapist and i discussed during our last session. she kept trying to tell me that i had that "edge of hope" and i kept telling her that i didn't. she basically told me i was deceiving myself and lying to myself. it was a tough conversation, but eventually i saw what she meant. i kept thinking i just wanted closure. that it wasn't about wanting anything other than answers and closure. but i can't have that. i've been suffering from nightmares every night. and i realized that not talking to him didn't take them away, so i thought i would open the door a crack and see if getting answers from him would get rid of the nightmares and anxiety. they didn't. so i have been attempting to close the door. i am on day 3 of NC now. and i keep rereading this chat to understand. michele's comment below really hit home - i reread it seeking some answers or some sense of his love, and it's empty. because all he does is mirror what i say. completely frustrating. i didn't see it as manipulation. god, i feel so stupid sometimes. when it comes to getting over this i feel like an idiot. not to be able to recognize these things and see it and analyze it for myself. after almost obsessively studying this disorder for a month now, i still cant recognize this tactics when it's right before my eyes. everything you have said at the end of your response is exactly how i feel. a man who loves me would have done everything he could to fix this. i feel like im working with an empty shell of a person. and YES i do feel this rush of adrenaline when i talk to him. gosh, is all of this really this predictable??? ive had two women tell me about this rush - and i really do feel it. what is up with that feeling? i get sweaty and my heart beats faster even while i am trying to calmly tell him that i am done. why do we experience that in these situations?? it makes me feel like a person on crack - like i have no control over myself and my emotions. what is going on with this??? i just hate the effects this entire breaking up process with a N has taken on me... thank you for your response scoop.

#25 Mar 18 - 5PM (Reply to #17)

Scoop

3 days is very early days .

3 days is very early days . Stop all comunication with him for at least 2 weeks , its hard i know , almost impossible but if you can do it the brainwashing number he has done on you will start to wear off , it gives you a window of oppertunity to breath and see things from a diffrent place . There is no doubt that that this man has you on an emotional string . Be gentel with youre self , look at it as a holiday for you . the world will keep turning and it just maybe enough time to see what is going on . stay close to the board , we are here for you in this confusing time .. big love ..xx

#26 Mar 18 - 5PM (Reply to #15)

michele115 (not verified)

DAZED

YOU will never get closure from him...that is his key to the control... TRUST ME... My narc is not unique... When I broched the subject of closure, he cynically laughed in my face...I don't even want to think of the stains that created in his drawers! They love the torture that the refusal of closure brings... Mirror it back, don't expect it...create your own closure...it will take time and makes this all the more madening...but see this for what it is...SADISTIC...and you are not a masochist. The longer you cling, the more you torture yourself. When I say cling...I mean holding on to the expectatin hoping against hope. It is hopeless it won't happen...let that expectation go. The realistic expectation is that you can recover and heal despite his sadistic, twisted disordered mind. He is a walking void DEAD...make him dead in your head. He is the walking dead in EVERY Sense....

#27 Mar 18 - 5PM (Reply to #16)

dazed and seeki...

honestly, sometimes i wonder

honestly, sometimes i wonder if i am crazy. i must be somewhat of a masochist to continually engage in this...

#28 Mar 18 - 4PM

michele115 (not verified)

painful to read

I'm sure even more so for you to go through it. Delete the post...delete him...the same advice you give him? Give yourself... Move on... Essentially if you read it...it's a mirror...there was no communication there...he was having a moment of the game..."Lets fuck with her head" It was sport... Whatever you want to call it...hoovering whatever...see it for what it is...bullshit and stop engaging. Hugs

#29 Mar 18 - 5PM (Reply to #5)

dazed and seeki...

oh wow michele, you're so

oh wow michele, you're so right. he only seems to mirror what i say. i'd say something, and he'd just mirror it. as if he has no idea what else to say or how else to properly communicate. wow, that really opened my eyes just then. that really explains why i feel SO dissatisfied after our conversations. it's like he made all sorts of nice promises so why do i feel like it's not enough? am i too harsh on him? but NO. you are SO right! i feel dissatisfied because he essentially is saying NOTHING here!! it's really painful to know that i loved and gave myself to somebody this empty for 3 years. i am still trying to grapple with the empty hole i feel i am left with. thanks michele for the really astute insight. i would never have picked up on that. is this classic narc characteristic? mirroring in order to get through a conversation?

#30 Mar 18 - 5PM (Reply to #9)

Susan32

Mirroring on an EPIC scale

A common trait among Ns/Ps is mirroring. It's their MO. The ex-Psych professor REALLY believed in teaching by rote&memorization, rather than creativity, asking questions, outside the box thinking... because that's how he operates. I had done some snooping(NOT recommended) and saw that he's parroted what his father says. (his father is also a professor) During the 4 years I was with him... he'd be repeating whatever he saw on TV that night, or his favorite book "War and Peace",comparing me to the fictional characters of Natasha,Sonya&Lisa. He thought he was like Leo Tolstoy&Arthur Schopenhauer because they were both rejected by younger women. He compared himself to Ludwig Wittgenstein, who beat&insulted his students. After the final D&D, when I was trying to get clarity with him, he'd be parroting and mimicking what I said. It was like an echo chamber. No wonder in the myth of Narcissus there is Echo, the nymph he rejected. The ex-P modeled himself on fictional&real people. I realized that the final D&D was parallel to a professor who was divorcing his younger wife... the prof had married this younger woman because he had gotten her pregnant (she was also a student at the time), and he had been sleeping with her&her twin sister. As this professor&wife/former student were breaking up, they'd sometimes be arguing on-campus, she'd be crying. So.... it's bizarre that during the final D&D, the ex-P and I would be publicly arguing, I'd be crying... and his live-in girlfriend... looked like ME. The ex-P's lecture on Wittgenstein&Augustine simply repeated what the philosophers said. He didn't come to any conclusions or original ideas of his own. The ex-P was like a living Bartlett's Book of Quotations. He'd see me as Anna Karenina, Sonya, Natasha Rostov, Lisa Bolkonsky, the younger wife in "Family Happiness", he was obsessed with stories... he did not see me for myself.

#31 Mar 18 - 9PM (Reply to #11)

ifinallygotit

Parroting and mimicking conversations

Mine did this all the time, but it was much worse on the phone than in person. He was the WORST conversationalist I have ever seen in my life on the phone. I noticed this right away because at first I thought maybe he was retarded or something the way he would reapeat everything I said but never add anything new or interesting! However, over time I got to know him and found that this dearth of words and creativity was just his game MO, only when playing with women, I guess trying to be "cute" or charming. I heard him do several TV and radio interviews and he spoke like a normal articulate person! Witty, engaging, sharing old stories and having a good sense of humor!! He was never like this with me for 10 years except one night when he must have drank too much. This one time, I went over to his house and he was just like a normal, friendly chit chatty person having open easy conversation with me! I guess the alcohol lowered his intense defense system. It was so bizarre to see that he had the capacity to interact totally normally with me! I did not say anything, I just observed. It never happened again - he is not a big drinker and prefers pot (I do not do any drugs and do not like drugs! I lowered my standards and principles to be with him...). He went back to being silent, grumpy, or doing weird silly mimicking again after that one lucid moment... Oh, except when we would go out for dinner, he would be charming and fun in public.

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