Breaking NC after we're "healed"

You were in a relationship, maybe even in love, with someone who hurt you more than you could have imagined. It was not a mutual, loving relationship with a healthy individual. He cheated, lied, gave you the silent treatment, gaslighted, stalked, withheld affection, tried to control you, or otherwise emotionally, verbally, or physically abused you. When the relationship fell apart, you were consumed with questions. What did I do to deserve this? Where’s the guy I fell in love with? What do I do now?

Then you found this board. Your friends and family didn’t understand why you couldn’t just break away, but the people here did. You read story after story and saw yourself in each one. You began to learn about narcissism and how it's a form of abuse. The people here recommended “No Contact”, and even though it hurt you to even think about it, you decided it couldn’t be more painful than what you were already experiencing.

So you went NC. It was HARD! You cried, you felt lost, you alternated between missing him and wanting to shoot him with a bayonet. You were tempted to reach out to him for answers. Maybe you even did a couple of times, or responded when he contacted you. After all, you needed closure and validation. It was a sad day when you realized he couldn’t give it to you. There were no answers, no closure, no validation from him…there was only moving on.

You did. The fog started to clear. You got so good with NC that it became second nature. Sure, he still occupied space in your brain, but you cried less, missed him less. Practically an expert now on narcissism, you even helped the newbies on the board who were still on the roller-coaster. “NC!” you told them. “It’s the only way.”

And then it happened. He sent you a sentimental text message. An old memory made your insides all mushy. Or, you just weren’t angry anymore. One conversation won’t hurt, you thought. Seeing him would be no big deal. After all, you were OVER IT and OVER HIM. Maybe you thought now you could just be friends with the guy – you know, like adults. Maybe you wanted to reject HIM this time - give him a taste of his own medicine. Whatever the reason, you reached out to him or responded when he reached out to you. After weeks or months, you broke NC.

Uh-oh.

Many of us have done this. I’m guessing that most who haven’t were tempted at some point. When we exit these relationships, we embark on a process of healing and learning and growth. We emerge from the fog stronger and smarter. We revert to the happy, open-hearted, kind people we lost before we entered the relationship with the narcissist. And as we grow, the pain fades.

It’s important to remember that part of this disorder is that these guys DON’T GROW. They DON’T CHANGE. In terms of emotional maturity, they are EXACTLY where we left them. We have explored our emotions, beliefs, histories and for some of us, analyzed the same of our narcissist. They haven’t done any of this work. They are still living in the same old catch as catch can world they always were.

Healing from a toxic relationship is no small task. For many, it involves releasing our anger - maybe even forgiving our ex - so we can let go. But, to let go is not to FORGET. Sometimes, in the process of healing, we convince ourselves we can handle something we can’t. We overestimate the depth of our healing. It’s not unlike the alcoholic who thinks she can handle a drink after a stretch of dry and sober.

Breaking NC is a reality for many of us. I’m not even opposed to it in all situations. There’s no one-size-fits-all method to healing here. But, if you’re going to do it, keep your eyes open. Do it with full acknowledgement of WHY you’re doing it and what you expect the results to be. Because, I’ve never read a post here that started with, “I broke NC” and ended with, “We’re back together and everything is GREAT!”

He’s the same guy he always was. He's still dangerous for you.