Becoming....

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#1 Nov 13 - 4AM

Mariline

Becoming....

Dear ladies and friends ( and on this board I have some very special and precious friend, and I will always be grateful for it)
I wanted to share with you my feelings of this morning. I was thinking about what I have become after my awful Narcs experiences. I observe myself and I see many things, especially in these days, I wonder if some of you can relate....sorry for being a bit confused.

After these experiences no doubt I have become much stronger. So strong that I am usually addressed as "the strong one" everywhere, at work or among friends, and this is quite surprising. I have grown up in a dysfunctional family and I learnt I was not allowed to have a backbone and I became the doormat ideal for Narcs. I guess this has gone now-for ever.
But i wonder if I am growing bitter also. I notice this on this board. I find SO irritating that so many valuable women lose their precious life and time, that noone will ever give them back, being treated like shit and asking for more.
My compassion is somehow lessened by what I know. I know you can work on yourself and win the pain and overcome the abuse. You just have to decide it and start it. And I think : I did it, why you don't want to do it?
Maybe I became a bit bitter in this field. I tell it just as a matter of fact, I know I probably have to work on it too. Anyway I am aware of it and I try not to respond when I feel I could be harsh, even if sometimes I flip :-))) sorry.
But all this strength and stability and clearness of mind, which has improved a lot the quality of my life and the way I address troubles, is sometimes still frail.
I guess that the abuse leaves a scar and sometimes it hurts. It is not a deep pain. It just stings. Sometimes.

I dated a couple of times a guy and I just kissed him. Nothing more and probably already too much for me. But can you believe it? I was reasoning during the kisses. I was looking for comparisons and similarities, looking for red flags. I was on total and complete alert. I was scheduling all the data, I was observing and taking notes in nmy mind like crazy.
But I also observe that on these dates I am so different. Oh, so different. I never respond to a text message before two or three hours minimum. I have absolutely no expectations. I do not dream at all and if I do is something sad. My heart is behind a cage and I want it to remain there at least for a while. I am scared and I do not mean to suffer anymore. No way. No way.

I do not know what I have become, but I know I have grown up and that I am very different from my old naive self. And if I think to my old me, of course I look at myself with tenderness but I must say I prefer myself now. Bitter maybe, but stronger.

I also wrote this for all the desperate ladies, younger than me maybe. who are desperate about the "I will always be alone" stuff. It is NOT TRUE. We are all intersting ladies :-)

but they will have to work at it. A lot! :-)

#2 Nov 14 - 6PM

helldweller

Mariline

I will share with you something very sad that is a brutal truth but something that has to be understood. My ex husband was a firefighter. A highly decorated one, who first worked on the airfields in England with the U.S.A.F. and actually saved a life before becoming a firefighter in Chicago and saving many during his years of duty. Bipolar disorder, alcoholism and--I truly believe--our marriage drove him to commit arson, and he lost his job. The fire service was his whole life, and he will obviously never serve again. I have watched him (now sober and medicated and in lifelong therapy) struggling with this reality for the past six years: he will never be a firefighter again. He is a good dad and he works really hard and finds some satisfaction in the work he does now and much satisfaction in his children, but so much is permanently closed off from him, and there is absolutely nothing he can do about it. It is a tremendous burden to have to accept that, sometimes, we will never be able to have a thing again. I do not think I will ever meet a man or kiss a man or date a man without being on tremendous alert. I will never fall head over heels in love again. I will never experience love at first sight. I will never melt from someone's first kiss. It's just not going to happen. It's called "scarred for life" and i'ts real. It's horrible that we are, but there is nothing we can do about it but to be happy to have what we do have. It's not fair and it's a terrible loss of innocence. It really is awful. My husband and I had a terrible marriage because of the illnesses, and even though he does nothing but pass every test with flying colors, I will never take him back again, no matter how wonderful he is and how many promises he makes. He wants that more than anything, but it just is never going to happen. He doesn't accept that, and he keeps thinking it will. Too much happened. It's too bad that he didn't use up just one less chance with me before the bottom fell out, but he did. Now, it is what it is, and I will never get to the point where I trust him with my heart and life and children again. And, because of the narc, I will never fall in love in that way ever again. That's just the way it is. A rape victim never, ever has sex without thinking about being raped. Never, even after fifty years. It's just there forever. I'm sorry.

#3 Nov 14 - 6PM (Reply to #10)

gettinbetter

helldweller

Dont be so sure. 2 years after the Narc I fell head over heals in love with a wonderful man. He proposed only months later. We have been married 14 years. I know what your thinking. Then why are you here? Whats wrong with your marriage? I had something very traumatic happen with the Narc. I never had any closure. I threw all in a storage room and never looked back. I have had a happy life the last 15 years but what happened there was never truly resolved in my heart and mind so when the Narc reappeared I was ripe for the picking. I think that somehow falling for his garbage was going resolve all of those issues for me. That it was gonna make a wrong right. He said all of the right things. Pushed all of my hot bottons and then it was too late I was hooked. The addictions was back and now deeper than ever. I have been reading about Trauma Bonds and it definitely fits my case. I read that trauma bonds can lie dormant for years but when reengaged will deepen more and more. So true. He live far from me know but the mind control he had had this time and been horrific. I also read that trauma bonds can actually kill you if they deepen enough. Every time it gets re engaged it deepens until eventually your spirit just dies. The body eventually follows suit. I felt so sickly this time around. I dont remember feeling like this round one so I know it has deepened. Just sayin you may fall head over heels again you just dont know. It may happen for you. It did for me. I need to reclaim that.

#4 Nov 14 - 2PM

Briseis

Mariline

I so very much relate. I have to admit that perhaps the new, more "cynical" version of ourselves that come out of these relationships is actually better described as "mature", as opposed to innocent and ignorant. And I don't mean "stupid" ignorant, I mean plain old ignorance. There is true pathology in this world, and very pathological people. In a nutshell, you are once burned and twice shy :) If you weren't, that means you did not learn the lesson. I think there is some danger in becoming bitter. Bitter is not "cynical". Bitter is blaming God and the world for doing us wrong, and lashing out our hurt to hurt other people because since WE hurt, they should hurt too. You do not seem bitter, in your responses and posts (and on Facebook, where I must admit I need a translator to get your Italian :D ). You are the last thing from a bitter person :) Just mature, and careful with yourself. As we all MUST be, in this world.

#5 Nov 14 - 3AM

Scoop

Amen to this , when i think

Amen to this , when i think of the way i use to date and how i am doing it now there is one marked diffrence and that is caution..Im not even at the kissing stage with my dates . Sexy boat guy asked me out this week it was for morning coffee but i made an excuse to not go , we text a bit but somethings stopping me . I was all set to have dinner with another guy last night but again i made my excuese as i was far to into my internet surffing on reptiles lol.Tonight Doctor guy is comming to dinner , docotor guy is the bloke that i left the narc for , he has been in the back ground for 9 months and still keen but i am reluctant to put all my eggs in one basket but he is a brick . hmmm we will see maybe ill kiss him tonight woop woop check me out talking about kissing a guy ! a few years ago i would have slept with him straight away but not now ... im 1950s woman and proud !

#6 Nov 14 - 3AM

CarolKittyGale (not verified)

I don't think you come

I don't think you come across as bitter just realistic and once bitten twice shy. We should all have healthy boundaries in life they are our electric fence that protect us and you seem to have yours in place now. Nothing wrong with that at all.

#7 Nov 13 - 8AM

MsVulcan500

Mariline,

I think we are left with a scar, and like a physical scar, we need to learn to accept that scar as part of us. Others also see the scar, and either choose to be repelled by it or they, too, accept it as part of us. Part of what makes us unique. You're probably not as bitter as you think. You have found your voice, and are making your needs, decisions, thoughts and ideas known to others. And I bet they admire this about you. You are definitely stronger. As far as your frustration with people who choose to continue letting the narc or narcs in their lives control them, I totally understand. I get frustrated sometimes too, but that is because we care. We know it is a futile effort that will have a bad outcome for them. Every day I wish I had some magic wand or potion that could give everyone narc amnesia. Unfortunately, that can't happen. Everyone has to go through the process at their own speed, and when that lightbulb goes on, there will be no turning back for them either. Then they will accept they have this same scar, that helps shape who they are. Nothing makes me happier than when I read posts by someone and I notice that they have taken that turn, where the lightbulb is flickering on, and they are realizing they weren't the problem, and also that they can't help the narc and they are starting to focus on themselves. I have lost some friends through this experience, and I have gained some new friends. I know I am still a loving caring person, but I have also changed. I, too, feel stronger. Accept that scar, and love the new you!!

#8 Nov 14 - 3AM (Reply to #5)

Mariline

Dear Ms Volcano, thank you

Dear Ms Volcano, thank you very much for your response, I really appreciate it, and I am happy knowing I am not alone in the frustration of not being able to show the truth to so many valuable women here on the board. And also outside . Yes we do carry a scar, but like the veterans maybe it adds to our value :-) I am proud to be a survivor. Probably I envied in the past people who has it all, a family, a love, a peace....but you know, I think they are not able to taste and appreciate these things like we do. Thank you MsVolcano, i would like to read you more. Thank you, really (((hugs))

#9 Nov 13 - 7AM

onwithmylife

For Mariline from onwithmylife

hi Mariline, before I address your comments I wrote you a post on page 9, dated 1 week, 4 days ago if you get some time would you read it please, it was before your computer keyboard broke down!Inoticed you have been on this board for while like me and i really enjoy your in sights. I too feel like there is a scar and for me it may be permanent, other than time washing away the worst of it, receding more, like scars do.I do not dwell on whether I will met someone, like some of the younger woman do, but take each day at a time. It is soo true, I am no longer the naive, gullible woman I was before I met my EXN and spent 15 years of and on with him. I really scrutinize people more and what I find sadly lacking is man with character and integrity, those are two things I zero in on and the internet dating is so depressing, as it is easy for people to move on from one person to another and no oneis given a chance. i feel sad at times and lonely as well as I would love to meet a good man again but who knows, each day is new and meant to enjoy our time here on earth, that is a blessing unto itself and to know WE can live life fully unlike the NARCS we left behind.....................

#10 Nov 14 - 3AM (Reply to #2)

Mariline

Dear onwithmylife, thank you

Dear onwithmylife, thank you for your appreciation :-) you are really too kind. I have looked for the topic you mention, but it seems thare is just written that you posted an answer to me somewhere else...anyway I am trying to remember something about your story and I must say that I aslo appreciate your comments and insights. You look like a very strong and wise woman with a source of humour and happiness inside her. I only noticed that you are dwelling a lot about your ex mother. You sense that she was responsible for his disorder and you still feel frustrated and powerless and wronged. I ca totally relate to that, as there have been things going on with my Narc(s) which really hurt a lot and I perceived them as such injustices, I really cried about them for a LOT of time. But they fade eventually. You can do nothing to fix his disorder, and you can do nothing to fix his mother's disorder. It is their problem now, not yours anymore. Do not waste time on it, they are BOTH not worth. My last narc mother was a true rattlesnake. the first time I saw her I really had shivers. Her eyes were cruel and her first statement to me was an apparent question but really was a way of underlining our social class difference. She told me "Dear....do you play bridge?" with such a superiority look while staring at me with contempt from head to toes. I am a Primary school Italian teacher, single working mother, I do not play bridge , I usually am too busy to survive. I answered "No but I play "jump-the-horse" ( ancient popular low class cards game from naples which you must be smart and fast in oder to play;-))) I think it was a good response. Now my Narc and his lovely mother are away from me for ever. And I thank G-d every day for this!!!!!!! ((hugs)))

#11 Nov 14 - 6AM (Reply to #3)

onwithmylife

For mariline

I know posts do get lost here on the board in the vast reaches of outer internet! I did go visit his mother's grave, a few weeks ago, she died in 1996,and it was cathartic for me. I talked with her and asked what went wrong between her and her son, not expecting a reply of course, but it was all very validating and uplifting and i will always feel there was something terribly wrong in her upbringing of the man, for I remember back on how her possessions. he got when she died, refrigerator, sofa, meant so much to the man and not in a healthy way, if you understand what i mean. Only HE has the answers locked away in his fragmented mind and there they will stay. I realize too i was just a pawn among all the other women in his life for issues he cannot or will not address.All this has done tremendous amount to give ME closure.

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