Becoming....
Becoming....
Dear ladies and friends ( and on this board I have some very special and precious friend, and I will always be grateful for it)
I wanted to share with you my feelings of this morning. I was thinking about what I have become after my awful Narcs experiences. I observe myself and I see many things, especially in these days, I wonder if some of you can relate....sorry for being a bit confused.
After these experiences no doubt I have become much stronger. So strong that I am usually addressed as "the strong one" everywhere, at work or among friends, and this is quite surprising. I have grown up in a dysfunctional family and I learnt I was not allowed to have a backbone and I became the doormat ideal for Narcs. I guess this has gone now-for ever.
But i wonder if I am growing bitter also. I notice this on this board. I find SO irritating that so many valuable women lose their precious life and time, that noone will ever give them back, being treated like shit and asking for more.
My compassion is somehow lessened by what I know. I know you can work on yourself and win the pain and overcome the abuse. You just have to decide it and start it. And I think : I did it, why you don't want to do it?
Maybe I became a bit bitter in this field. I tell it just as a matter of fact, I know I probably have to work on it too. Anyway I am aware of it and I try not to respond when I feel I could be harsh, even if sometimes I flip :-))) sorry.
But all this strength and stability and clearness of mind, which has improved a lot the quality of my life and the way I address troubles, is sometimes still frail.
I guess that the abuse leaves a scar and sometimes it hurts. It is not a deep pain. It just stings. Sometimes.
I dated a couple of times a guy and I just kissed him. Nothing more and probably already too much for me. But can you believe it? I was reasoning during the kisses. I was looking for comparisons and similarities, looking for red flags. I was on total and complete alert. I was scheduling all the data, I was observing and taking notes in nmy mind like crazy.
But I also observe that on these dates I am so different. Oh, so different. I never respond to a text message before two or three hours minimum. I have absolutely no expectations. I do not dream at all and if I do is something sad. My heart is behind a cage and I want it to remain there at least for a while. I am scared and I do not mean to suffer anymore. No way. No way.
I do not know what I have become, but I know I have grown up and that I am very different from my old naive self. And if I think to my old me, of course I look at myself with tenderness but I must say I prefer myself now. Bitter maybe, but stronger.
I also wrote this for all the desperate ladies, younger than me maybe. who are desperate about the "I will always be alone" stuff. It is NOT TRUE. We are all intersting ladies :-)
but they will have to work at it. A lot! :-)
Mariline
helldweller
Mariline
Amen to this , when i think
I don't think you come
Mariline,
Dear Ms Volcano, thank you
For Mariline from onwithmylife
Dear onwithmylife, thank you
For mariline