Ashamed...

37 posts / 0 new

#1 Jul 12 - 3PM

rhiannon

Ashamed...

I have a confession... I broke NC Sunday. I managed 4 days of it. Sunday afternoon I had a weak moment, and called him (I know, I know... was I ready to weigh myself in front of him? No. I managed to push that tidbit out of my mind for a fleeting second. The second in which I called him).

Anyways, I know we could care less, but the first words out of his mouth was an apology. I don't remember him ever apologizing about anything since I've known him. He said he knows what he said was awful, and that he was going to call or text me to say he was sorry, but he didn't know if it was the right time (I understand that's probably all bullshit). I was impressed with how sincere he sounded (which, at the time I was all wrapped up in the moment and it sounded great, but now I'm thinking more clearly).

So... now, we're back in talking on the phone mode. I've been in weak mode today, too, because of a major dental procedure I had this morning that was a traumatic experience to say the least. I wanted comfort. Why I went looking for it in him is beyond me. What's funny is that he's not necessarily "comforting" when I talk to him. When I brought up how nervous I was about it yesterday, he said... "Well, at least you're not giving birth to a baby. Think about that." Seriously? Thanks for the reassurance and understanding, sweetheart.

I know you'll all disappointed in me. I'm disappointed in myself. Now I have to break contact all over again. I'm quite depressed.

#2 Jul 13 - 9AM

rhiannon

Oh...

... and he told me that next time I come over I'm walking my ass straight into the bathroom and getting on the scale.

#3 Jul 13 - 9AM (Reply to #34)

TNR1

Again...it's about him....

He is feeling slighted because you won't do what he asks of you and he will justify the request anyway that he can. Certainly we all want to do things for our partners, but if it makes us in the least bit uncomfortable, our partners should understand. He sounds like a broken record at this point. I don't think that will change.

#4 Jul 13 - 5PM (Reply to #35)

Susan32

Broken records

It's all about control, NOT LOVE. There's a total lack of understanding. My ex-Psychopath professor NEVER empathized with my discomfort, the public humiliation. Yes, it can be embarrassing to be enamored of one's professor, but he decided to make it WORSE. When I told him that he had hurt my feelings and I was tired of the personal attacks, he got into broken record mode, saying "You were inappropriate" instead of manning up and apologizing. Pathetic.

#5 Jul 14 - 9AM (Reply to #36)

Happy1

Susan32

I learned early on they don't apologize for anything they do. They feel they are entitled and they are never ever wrong. I know my N has this problem not only in relationships but at work. He has a very hard time dealing with any criticism at all and it gets him in trouble. He ends up hating his boss and the company. He's a scientist with a PHD and he thinks he's the smartest guy in the world. He thinks he is right 100% of the time and not once has ever said 'I'm sorry'. It doesn't happen.

#6 Jul 13 - 9AM

rhiannon

Just a mess...

... after contacting my exN. We had another conversation last night and now I'm having a war in my head again. I could tell he had been drinking, and we got into this discussion about weight again. He said it really upset him that I wouldn't get on the scale. He said he gets on the scale in front of me (though I don't ask this of him, he just does it) and I owe it to him to do the same. I tried to explain how awful it makes me feel, but he just wouldn't listen, and insisted that he was right, that there is something wrong with me if I can't get on the scale in front of him. Now I'm wondering if there is. He asked me if I thought he was blind, that he can't see I've put on weight and feel it when we cuddle at night. I asked him what difference a number made. He said it was the "principle of the matter." And "that's something couples shouldn't have problems with." He made such a "strong" argument. I know I've asked this before, but is this a normal request in a relationship? Am I wrong for feeling the way I do?

#7 Jul 13 - 11AM (Reply to #31)

Amy

NO!

It is NOT a normal request! I have never had anyone in a relationship ask what I weigh!The only people who ever have are guys who said things like "I don't date anyone over 115 lbs"! My response is - I am slim, so you must like short girls - I'd be emaciated and have no boobs if I weighed that little! The reason they say/ask things like that is for CONTROL! The worse you feel about yourself, the more control they have! I will tell you - I always thought my N made strong arguments. Looking back, I was just being manipulated. They were ridiculous topics - such as how to paint my toenails, what I should wear to work, how often I should go to the gym, why it was ok to go to swingers clubs - yes. Great arguments - how our love and mutual respect should make us want to do things for each other. Total crap! Seriously - your N is no different. They are master manipulators.

#8 Jul 13 - 1PM (Reply to #32)

Happy1

Asking you to weigh yourself

Asking you to weigh yourself is wrong. My N would always say if I gained 5lbs he would dump me. We never got on the scale but it's the same idea. It's control and mind games.

#9 Jul 13 - 11AM (Reply to #29)

NinjaGirl

Rhiannon

Actually, I think it's a perfectly reasonable request for him to ask you to get on the scale and make comments about your weight, because that's what he wants in his partner. Ok, so what was your first reaction to that? Your first reaction should have been anger at me for saying that, or anger at him for making such unreasonable demands. Why are you asking us if it's reasonable? Is it reasonable to you? It sure wasn't last week. Does this request and his judgment of you make you happy? Only you can decide that. I, personally, would not have contacted him, and would have hung up on him the moment he started treating me with anything less than I deserve, which is exactly what he did to you. Do YOU think it's a reasonable request? Do YOU think you're wrong? That's all that matters. STOP looking to others for validation and answers! They HAVE TO COME FROM YOU. You know I love you, but come on. I know you're better than this, but if you don't see it, nothing any of us says is going to matter.

#10 Jul 13 - 11AM (Reply to #30)

Steph

I think at this stage you

I think at this stage you are in now, it is perfectly normal to be seeking validation from others. Your brain isn't thinking rationally right now because he has messed with it for sooooo long. What seems so obvious to us ( he is an abuser and is absurd) doesn't seem obvious to you right now because you are in the middle of it. When my xN called the cops on me(twice) EVERYONE told me how ludicrous that was and how messed up he was. It took me a very long time to believe that...even though a small part of me knew they were right. The damage they do to our heads is incomprehensable. I needed CONSTANT validation and reminders. Still do at times - not often, but it happens. That's where you are at. And that is ok. But the deprogramming from his brainwashing will NOT work if you remain in contact. You must go back to no contact. We can validate and remind you along the way until eventually your brain heals and you can think normally again. xoxo

#11 Jul 13 - 11AM (Reply to #28)

Used

rhiannon

i am not beign flippant i am serious. tell him if he will changeb/c he may not like your weight , you dont like his attitude, so if he does that for , you you will do that for him, and as for his weighing hisself, thats b/c he wants to not b/c u asked him too, he has undermined you so much that you cant think straight, and that fence someone mentioned will become a fortress if you do this for him he will have won, but he wont have won as much as you have lost your self please dont do it

#12 Jul 13 - 10AM (Reply to #26)

Lisa E. Scott

Rhiannon

THIS MAN IS EVIL! PLEASE GET AWAY FROM HIM! No, this is not a normal request at all. It's ABUSIVE! He did NOT make a strong argument, he simply bullied you into listening to him for however long and now you're somewhat brainwashed again. Seriously, if you step back and look at what you're asking us you will see how absurd it is. I'm not trying to make you feel bad because believe me, I know they can make us think and do crazy things. This is a prime example of their ability to brainwash us if we allow them back in even slightly. A week ago you would have told him to go to hell if he pushed this issue with you. Now, after being under his spell and breaking No Contact, you're asking if it's a reasonable request for him to ask you to weigh yourself in front of him. No, it is not reasonable, normal or even acceptable. It's abusive and I so hope you will re-establish No Contact. Please let us know what you're thinking. I'm very concerned about you. xo

#13 Jul 13 - 1PM (Reply to #27)

rhiannon

That's exactly what I

That's exactly what I feel... brainwashed. Kind of like a mindless zombie. Yes, I think that accurately describes it. I feel numb again; like I've lost myself. I'm just so unhappy. Deep down, I know all of you are right. And it was a horrible mistake to contact him. I've gone back and re-read our posts from last week, as well as my letter. It's almost hard to believe the complete 180 I've done in a matter of days. It's almost like he's put me in some type of trance. He has this uncanny way of twisting things around so it sounds like the things he thinks and says sound completely valid. A good reason why I should stick to NC. I absolutely can't imagine me driving over to his house and him forcing me to immediately get on the scale. I mean... how humiliating. It's humiliating even thinking about it. I have to snap out of my zombie state and get with the program. I can't believe I've let him manipulate me again. :( I guess to get out of this state I just go cold-turkey NC without warning? Thanks so much for your support...

#14 Jul 13 - 10AM (Reply to #25)

wholeagain

If you

do what he asks, he'll know he's "won". This is in no way normal Rhiannon, as others have said he's dangerous and a wanker to boot. The healthy part of you knows that this is wrong, and relationships shouldn't be about hurt and trying to overcome it over and over again. NC darlin...he's awful.

#15 Jul 13 - 9AM (Reply to #24)

Steph

His arguement is NOT STRONG.

His arguement is NOT STRONG. It is PATHETIC!!! That is NOT a normal request in a relationship. People that care about you accept you and they don't force you to do things. They don't make you feel insecure or self concious. They don't pout and treat you like shit because you don't honour their ridiculous requests. Your x is dangerous. I think it was agnesmurphey that explained that now that you have "broken free of the fence he had you in, if you back, the fence will be made higher to keep you in. Something like that. If you ever go back Rhiannon, I would be very concerned with your safety. His emotional abuse might not "do the trick" with you anymore and the next in line is physical abuse. Yesterday, you had said he was apologetic, and then now he turns into Mr. I Am Right and You Will Do As I Say again?? See how quickly he changes. It's not normal by any stretch of the imagination. Get back on the No Contact please?? Any contact just gives you more things to "have a war in your head" over. xoxo

#16 Jul 12 - 11PM

Lisa E. Scott

Rhiannon

No, do NOT regret admitting this to us. If you didn't, you would be lying to yourself and that's not healthy. We know what you're going through and you should feel comfortable sharing here. There is no judgment here. Breaking free from a narcissist is a process and it takes time. They say when recovering from an addiction, it's a process, not perfection. Same applies here. Just don't beat yourself up or dwell on it. Re-establish No Contact immediately and write down what you learned from this relapse. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Big Hugs, Lisa

#17 Jul 12 - 10PM

TNR1

Hey Rhiannon...

Nothing to be ashamed about...it's what you felt you needed to do in the moment. I would just be really attuned to your gut right now. You certainly do not want to go through another round of D&D. Every day I want to contact Mr. N...but what keeps me from doing it is that I know if I contact him, that I won't be focused on finding someone who is more appropriate for me. It is really painful at times, but I keep reminding myself that what I had with Mr. N was an illusion and I want a "real" relationship this time around.

#18 Jul 12 - 10PM

Steph

rhiannon

I feel like I owe you an apology. I started the threads below by discussing my greivance with the benefits of no contact article. I in NO way was directing anything I wrote towards you. I totally understand where you are at and don't judge you. Please believe me. The link to the article just happened to be under your thread, so that's where I wrote. I just don't like articles promoting contact, or minimizing the impact it has on victims. I didn't mean that that means I would judge or condemn anyone that breaks no contact during a moment of weakness. You are in a vulnerable state write now. I wouldn't want anyone advicing you that contact is ok. That's all. I feel protective of people on here. Again, please know I was not directing anything towards you. It's just the article I don't like. ok? I hope that makes sense. And please please please don't feel bad for admitting anything. That takes strength to share and you should be able to post here things that are happening and how you are feeling. xoxo

#19 Jul 12 - 9PM

rhiannon

Hmm...

I guess I shouldn't have admitted this. I feel worse now than I did.

#20 Jul 12 - 9PM (Reply to #19)

gigi9

Admitting.....

Try not to feel worse.....you are where you are and that is ok. Just start to feel better slowly but surely. I cannot tell you how many times in over a year I broke no contact. My exNH was infamous for coming and going,even in the marriage and only until very recently (day 26 NC) have I fallen into this trap. I just know that every time I fell for it I truly believed he would change or get better.....that is until the final straw/tipping point for me. The last time he projected onto me and I went flying over to the house like a witch on a broom...almost 4 weeks ago! I let it all out....no censorship....and he sent me three very different texts that night that I IGNORED....the first one blaming me for being where we were at....the second one offering a generalized apology...the third one stating that I was right about "everything" (love the generalities) and that he had a lot of issues he was going to heal before he hurt another girl like he did me (hogwash...I am certain he already has new NS!) So it is normal to cycle like this and one day....VAVOOM! You too will have had enough and like a witch on a broom you will screetch to the world and mostly to your N piece of shit "NO MORE!!!" And then you will fly away freer than before. So don't be so hard on yourself and what I have learned the most is that I have to "ADMIT" to the world, to my friends, to my family...who he really has been to me....who he really is. But mostly....admitting this to others forces me to admit this to myself. I have defended him for far too long and that is what kept sucking me back in....Me seeing his "good" side....NO...He is a piece of SHIT! Bottom line! No more lying to myself and if I do make contact with him again.....I will admit that here! Stay strong. No fear. Move on. Be Happy. Take back your power. Live free! Find your broom and soar!!!!!!

#21 Jul 12 - 9PM (Reply to #18)

NinjaGirl

No

I think you admitted it because you want help, which is what we're all trying to do. If it comes across as judgmental, it's only because we know where you've been, and it's hard to see someone we care about hurt herself. At least, that's how I feel.

#22 Jul 12 - 8PM

foolmeonce

Couldn't agree more on the benefits of NC

I agree, the article is faulty. Sure everyone has their own path to follow, however, engaging on any level with a narc does nothing but prevent healing. Going back to get more ammunition to justify your decision to go NC is nonsensical. If their behavior and words do not match, that's enough. No one needs to subject themselves to abuse over and over again to finally get it. The hardest thing in recovery is to accept what happened. We will never understand it. No matter how many times we go back, there will never be answers - narcs can't give them. They are selfish, manipulative and control freaks. At some point we all need to take responsibility for our own lives. We were targeted and lied to, but once we realize what we are dealing with it is up to us to stop the abuse. The only way to stop it is to get the rat a** out of your life. Engaging the narcissist doesn't make you "happy". It is merely a ploy to avoid the inevitable - the acceptance that you were involved with a person who is devoid of human emotion. If you have ever watched any intervention show, the person always says they are not ready for intervention. It is the family and therapist that say no more - it's time. Narcs f*ck with your mind so badly, you may never get to the point where you understand that no contact is the way to go. People who have been abused need to be shown the light - they need to be guided to recovery. Recovery starts with no contact - it enables you to step back and see the relationship as it really is. The article really is justification for remaining in contact. If you know a dog bites and you put your hand out and get bit you have no one to blame but yourself and unfortunately many of us have been bitten over and over again. There are no happy endings with narcs - they will continue to do what they do - to you or to someone else and everyone who continues to engage the narc will at some point be replaced with better supply. By choosing to be the one who goes NC you are finally taking control over the relationship. Don't deny yourself that right, it's about the only right you will ever have with a narc.

#23 Jul 12 - 8PM (Reply to #15)

better off

When I felt like contacting,

When I felt like contacting, I had a friend that would tell me over and over "no good can come of it." And I didn't fully believe it yet (at the time), but I repeated that to myself a lot, "no good can come of it." And it's true... you can satisfy an itch maybe, but no good can come of it.. it's just a ticket to further pain and confusion, no matter how much you think you can "manage" it. Later, after a lot of NC, you realize you should not BE involved with a person that involves having to "manage" your feelings and the situation.

#24 Jul 12 - 8PM (Reply to #16)

Susan32

"Managing your emotions"

That's what my ex-P told me to do A LOT at the beginning. I got tired of the self-censorship. I had to "manage" my feelings around him. I couldn't be upset around him (because it fueled him anyhow),I couldn't cry (because he did nothing) and being happy around him was the ultimate transgression. He told me I needed to "manage my emotions"---well,he had only two. Fear and anger.

#25 Jul 12 - 5PM

Steph

"If at first you don't

"If at first you don't succeed, try try again":) One of these times you will do it permanently:) xoxo

#26 Jul 12 - 4PM

almostlydia

I'm reposting this for all

I'm reposting this for all who haven't read it and are struggling with NC. Please read. http://narcissism-support.blogspot.com/2009/01/loving-narcissists-and-myth-of-no.html

almostlydia

#27 Jul 12 - 5PM (Reply to #5)

Steph

This is just my opinion.....

but I SRONGLY disagree with this article and I think it is dangerous. It states that no contact isn't a "must perse". I'm sorry but, ANY contact is detrimental. It adds more confusion. More questions. More self doubt for the victim. With this happening, the victim will never be able to deprogram their brain. It's like cleaning mud of your feet and then stepping right back into it - repeatedly. Pointless. "The more you get to know what they're doing, what they are really like, see it for yourself with a clear eye, the more you observe and catalogue, the greater becomes the desire to not inhabit the narcissist's planet any longer." Ok. Sounds reasonable....but how many people here have been around them and observed and yet still BLAMED THEMSELVES... not had a desire to not be on his planet any longer. The longer one is in contact with these people, the more harm done to the victim. People that have been no contact and that initiate contact (even just a phone call or text ) - come back to the board feeling weaker and more depressed and some on verges of nervous breakdowns. I think that speaks volumes on why no contact is critical if one wants to recover. You can't think logically when exposing yourself to these people. Period. This article is like telling an alcoholic to have a drink now and again and don't worry eventually you won't like the taste or effect of it anymore and you will quit. That's BS. I am sorry and I truly hope I haven't offended anyone, I am just passionate about the importance of No Contact and I would hate for anyone- especially new people just coming out of a toxic relationship- to have a weak moment and read this article and see an excuse or benefit from having contact. Just my two bits:) xoxo

#28 Jul 12 - 8PM (Reply to #6)

NinjaGirl

I agree completely

I get very frustrated when I see people getting stronger, and then I see them make contact. I've been NC for 17 days, and it's the combination of that and doing things with my life that are helping me heal. I just got back from seeing my psychologist, and I told him about the NC, about everything I've been doing with my life, that I'm exercising a lot, how I still have nights when I'm depressed or down, or times when I'm anxious, but I'm focused heavily on myself. He said that everything I'm doing is fantastic, and that my feelings are normal and will probably continue on for a while (the down times, I mean), but that I'm doing the right thing in enduring it and knowing that it will get better. And it is getting better. It isn't necessarily measurable, but five weeks ago I couldn't stop crying and shaking, and now I go hours at a time without thinking about my ex. I've gone from thinking I'm pathetic to thinking I'm incredible and he never deserved me. Unfortunately, I can't control anyone else's actions. So I'm starting to get discouraged and starting to say that people have to do what they feel is right, even though I don't believe it. What I DO believe is that you have to do the right thing, even if it isn't what you want to do or feel you should do. I think you should take the correct path, even if it's the hardest one. So my earlier respond in this thread? Just my frustration. Not at all what I really think. This stuff above is what I really think.

#29 Jul 12 - 8PM (Reply to #12)

foolmeonce

Thanks for the clarification NinjaGirl

Thank you for clarifying that. I too get discouraged when I read about people contacting the N again. I admire your strength and remember it is so much harder to be strong than to be weak. Always stand up for what you believe in - people need to hear that! If everyone stood up to the N's they would be alone in their own little world. The world needs more people like you.

#30 Jul 12 - 8PM (Reply to #7)

Steph

Awe NinjaGirl.... I was

Awe NinjaGirl.... I was certain your response was written out of frustration. And you are doing fantastic!! You have accomplished in just short of 3 weeks, what has taken me 7 months! lol....except the aprt about having several hours of not thinking of him:( You provide great advice to others. Try not to be discouraged. Yes, it is frustrating to see people jump into oncoming traffic....but all you can do is continue to provide encouragement and support. I am just really upset about the No Contact article. I realize we are intelligent women and capable of choosing what works and what doesn't for us. I consider myself intelligent...but you know what, I still was brainwashed and abused by the N. And if I came on this site 7 months ago and read that sometimes having contact is ok....I honestly don't think my intelligence would have overrode my desire to make contact. I was still "under his spell" and blaming myself and brainwashed. Anyways, my point is I just worry about new members that are at that fragile, vulnerable, early stage of leaving the relationship. ok, NinjaGirl, I have rambled enough lol xoxo

#31 Jul 12 - 8PM (Reply to #9)

Steph

oh and I hope you didn't

oh and I hope you didn't think my response to the article was directed at you in anyway. Because it most definately was not! Just the article. xoxo

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