I'm reading a new book called "Disarming the Narcissist" that has interesting strategies for coping with the narc in your life. Most of it is based upon education, understanding yourself (in relation to the narc) and something called schema therapy. The author also provides specific strategies that use mindfulness and compassion to communicate your needs to the narc and to deal with the kind of narc you care about.
This is an intensive undertaking and something not for those in a very troubled decline with their narc, I fear since the book does not seem to address the big issues I have seen prevalent in this forum.
I don't know exactly if any of this can be applied to my situation with ER - I fear we may be too far gone at this point. However since I do truly love him and have considerable compassion for the little boy inside of him who is so troubled and damaged, I am willing to practice this if possible in the hopes that perhaps some good will come out of it - even if it only helps me to begin meditation again and gets me back to a healthy place in my Buddhist beliefs.
Today we had a fight when I discovered that he had gone back on one of the BDSM websites yesterday when he told me implicitly he would not do that anymore. Then he lied to me about it and said he was there to delete it. Of course it was not deleted.
I know he has been lying to me too about going hunting as well. He is trying to make himself absent and avoiding me. Yet he is right there to take the money I send him. He is cold and detached to me otherwise.
I did get very vicious when I asserted myself in anger today. I get extremely personal in my attacks on him. He does not behave this way toward me. Then I feel guilty because of the terrible hurtful, humiliating things I have said to him. I would like to stop behaving this way when I find out he has lied to me. I should not be surprised.
I get so angry though, the heat swells from the center of my chest and floods my face and my heart begins pounding so hard and I start biting the inside of my lip and my body goes rigid. Then I explode in anger.
He stopped communicating with me about 8 hours ago. Not a word since. I have sent two very short apologetic emails (our emails are always one or two sentences) and he has not responded. Perhaps this is now the silent treatment?
I'm reading everything I possibly can, studying day by day and I see how so much that happened to me with my narc father has made me the way I am. I am also seeing that although my husband had some of these tendencies as well that his kindness and support and compassion in our relationship is something I need to consider now especially.
It is just very difficult to do since he passed away three and half years ago and truly I don't think I have ever been able to process it. I became a widow at 34 years old which is something I had so much trouble with as well as all my friends and family. No one could really understand what had happened and how to help me thru it.
I am terrified of losing ER completely - I barely have him now and he is married as well.
I feel like one more loss and I will be lost myself.
Is compassion the way thru to ER? I will try anything.