Approaching the narc with compassion

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Sep 27 - 9AM (Reply to #17)
deckard
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My Kindle is jam-packed

I agree in not following the advice in this book. I am a compassionate person and a Buddhist but one of the first rules of compassion is to have it for yourself. Just by that alone - it negates expending the compassionate energy toward the narc because that would then NOT be compassion for yourself! I am currently re-reading The Path Forward - this time REALLY taking time with it. All About Him was eye-opening and set me on the path - now I need to walk it into reality. Another excellent book I read that didn't pander was "Help, I'm in Love with a Narcissist"
Sep 27 - 8AM
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

I like you, tried every

I like you, tried every tactic to understand my ex. It's great to have compassion, but there is a possibility you are using this tactic as a tool to control and try to get him to see he's a lunatic. You can have compassion from afar since being in any contact with someone who's is so mentally ill just keeps you in the sickness as well. The base for compassion towards someone who is intentionally hurting someone is a huge part of being codependent, You're pulling at straws now because like you said, you cannot imagine not having him in your life. My suggestion would be to take the time to read books to understand your own self, your shortcomings and your mental issues so that you can heal and move on from this madness. Not easy to do and I am trying to do this myself, but it's the ONLY way to truly heal. Trying to figure out a mental case is never going to make you truly heal.
Sep 27 - 8AM (Reply to #14)
Hunter
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Trulelybrokem

I 100% agree with you! Hunter
Sep 27 - 4AM
Kitty02 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Totally agree with lilymarch,

Totally agree with lilymarch, there is someone amazing waiting to come into your life and that someone is YOU:-) He has gone NC to control the situation, and controlling it he is as you are now apologising to him...for what? for lying to you. Ooooh these PD'S make my blood boil. The anger you are feeling to such extent is your pain, well it was in my case. The two PDmen in my life got loads of compassion from me and it isn't/wasn't appreciated just had me marked down as good for supply. I was widowed at 36 and had two children and a jealous narc sister~in~law(she was evil to me). You can get through this if you build on your self esteem and love for yourself. Wished I knew what I know now at 50 when I 36. All people ever said to me was 'you are to nice for your own good'. Well I'm still nice but not if it means not loving myself first. I'm happier and healthier then I have been in a long time and you can be to, you don't have to be lost. NC him back and do things for you however small, nurture you for a change and have compassion for yourself. Lovely lady use the energy you have been using on your Narc on yourself, you deserve it far more then he does.
Sep 27 - 4AM (Reply to #12)
deckard
deckard's picture

young widow

It was so hard to be a young widow. You know all about that kitty - I wish I had known how terrifying the landscape of relationships became while I was in my marriage. I have shown a great deal of compassion to ER in many ways. And you are right - why am I apologizing for his lying to me? This seems utterly absurd to read it when someone else says it. I think perhaps you are right - a little NC would be a good thing for me to focus some attention on myself. He was the one who broke it this last time (after two weeks). I was so proud of myself that I didn't.
Sep 27 - 1AM
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Mindfullness practice asks you to build the Compassion for SELF

first and foremost. Take all that energy you want to give in compassion for the sick lying cheating N, and please give it to yourself sweetie. Your little girl is begging for it! She is all alone while you try to get this N. to love and adore you. She is screaming for your compassion. Where are you? Please, take all the mental energy you give this man and put it back into yourself. You are the only one that can give the love and nurturing your heart has been craving. Let God/Source be the bearer of compassion for his wounded soul... I get so worried when I hear about all of us empathetic feeling women worried so much about the Narc's hurts and losses- and WHAT ABOUT YOU? who held you when you were crying out? who stroked your hair when you were suffering? who listened to your aching words? who calmed your fears? who made you feel safe and heard? Please be the loving partner to YOURSELF first.
Sep 27 - 8AM (Reply to #10)
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

yes, this also! I only read

yes, this also! I only read this after I made my post We focus on others to avoid our own demons, period!
Sep 27 - 1AM (Reply to #9)
deckard
deckard's picture

I have never felt safe

My father was a narc as I said and was also very abusive physically and emotionally. He was an excellent provider (Fortune 500 VP)and often acted the part of the good father. There were many mixed messages when I was growing up. My mother, although very dedicated to her children was self-absorbed and focused on having numerous affairs. It was a desperately unhealthy environment for my brother and me. He grew into an alcoholic, I have had issues with men my entire life (in that I am a doormat) even though I am educated and successful. I have never taken care of the little girl inside of me. I've been in and out of therapy since I was four years old. It is as if I have no ability whatsoever to take care of myself. I always focus outwardly. My husband, although a loving man, was fairly high maintenance and I took great care of him. I always take great care of everyone. When I met ER I thought he was a combat wounded Marine returned from Iraq suffering from PTSD.(Please read my story if you are interested on my profile.)All I ever wanted to do was make him happy. I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I used to know when I was with my husband. Now I cannot even think. Thank you do much for your kindness.
Sep 27 - 12AM
WakingUP (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I read that book too....

And I found it very helpful in understanding myself in terms of what schemas I'm likely to be dealing with myself. And why I became codependent. I realize that I cannot fall back into the codependent patterns again, so I'm getting better on that count. Compassion. That's the killer. Narcs tend to seek out people who are naturally empathic. I too have compassion for the hurt little boy inside him. It literally breaks my heart. But while you can have compassion for a rabid dog, you still have to take steps to protect yourself. Its either that, or put him down. If you offer him compassion, you have to be prepared to get nothing in return. NOTHING. That's a lot harder than you think. (at least that's what I'm finding...) So yes, he'll still lie to you, he will give you the silent treatment, and all those other things that narcs do. Is it worth it? If you know that it will never be a 2-way street? It sounds like you could use someone who will actually be there for you. And its not this guy.
Sep 27 - 12AM (Reply to #2)
deckard
deckard's picture

I need someone who is there for me

At first it seemed like ER was there for me (as much as he could be, still living with his wife that is) after me being alone for two and a half years. He reignited my passion for life and sex and all the good things that come with falling in love. I don't believe I was asking for very much because there had been nothing since my husband died so whatever ER gave me was like a feast. He was handsome and romantic and lovey-dovey and Latino so he had the heat. He is really dramatic and I love that. My husband was very mellow so being with ER is a cavalcade of emotion. Soon it became clear though that he lied constantly and avoided me sometimes and I had a feeling he was not being faithful to me (though I had no clue what he was really up to in his serial philandering and only discovered that at the beginning of August). Compassion comes naturally to me. I ache for what he has been thru, I have wept out of love for him and his struggles. You are right about the rabid dog analogy. I have no idea how to protect myself and I am doubtful that I want to. In this past year I seem to have disappeared.
Sep 27 - 2AM (Reply to #3)
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

You need to get away from him.

You may not want to hear that, but your own words, 'In this past year I seem to have disappeared' say it all. You are lost, losing yourself because he's a vampire. He's taking everything you have including your money. (I am so angry right now.) You seem like such a sweet person, you even read a book about him. Please, let him go. He is killing you. Think about what he's done to you. Do you really want that? There is someone amazing waiting to come into your life but you have no space for him because Narcboy is a huge black leach on your back. I don't necessarily agree wih the compassion way of dealing with these men. You must, and I repeat, MUST think of yourself first and foremost. He already has a wife and other woman thinking about him. You deserve your full attention. Love yourself! The best way to help this man is to not give him the drug called abuse that he is addicted to. That drug is you. Show him he can't do this to a beautiful person like you. (Please forgive me if I've offended you in any way.)
Sep 27 - 3AM (Reply to #4)
deckard
deckard's picture

I am in tears....

reading what you have written here. Thank you for such gentle words of understanding. I know what you are saying in my mind though my heart is in such conflict right now. It has been like this for a long time - since we broke-up the last time 8 months ago when I confronted his wife. I've watched myself eroding by inches and he has taken so much from me, emotionally and financially. I am groveling still to him, like I have been today. I finished the book earlier and I don't believe that this approach is applicable in my case. And many of the incidents in the book seemed like clinical representations - nothing like the harrowing stories I have read on this site or in the works of Lisa Scott and Dr. Sam Vaknin. It did not seem realistic to me at all. I kept hoping for an example that would say how you might approach dealing with the narc who has cheated on you while cheating on his wife. Or a narc who has twisted sexual fantasies that he indulges through BDSM sites and making masturbation videos and sending them out to the lowest kind of reprobate women around. I've read 9 books now on NPD and narcissism, including many clinical theories (from Freud, Jung et al.)and find myself comprehending cerebrally but avoiding this understanding when it comes to ER. Panic sets in like it did today. I was so strong initially (as I usually am when I face him with the truth) but then I get weaker and weaker as I begin to fear him leaving completely - when he starts saying, this is it - the last time I will communicate with you. The longest point of no contact we had was three weeks and it was the worst time in my life save for my husbands illness and death. I know that you are right. That my mother is right. My friends. People who truly care about me. Yet I am frozen here.
Sep 27 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
maky1
maky1's picture

It's true that there really

It's true that there really is no way to approach them, no way to get through. Even psychologists know they can't treat them. Your trying to find a way to approach him or deal with him is holding you there... and revealing a lesson about yourself. What it is, I don't know. but lessons are there. You are focusing on him and how to make it better with him. You need to be focusing on you. There is no making it better with these guys. It will be hard as hell to break away and focus on you, and maybe you will need some counseling to keep you on track and help you with the steps. But you can get though it. Read into the stockholm syndrome a bit. But you know from so much undisputed evidence that he is wrong for you. Are you trying to love him into a better man? Trying to fix something from your childhood through him? Trying to validate yourself? Instead of asking how to make it better with him, ask why you want to. It's hard to let go. A lot of what you love about him may just be fantasy. You know the reality of him and what he does. Even if he does feel some sort of love, he is incapable of actually being in a loving relationship. And that is not because you are not good enough. it is because he is incapable. They just don't have empathy. I read your story and was pulled into it and could not stop reading. All I could think was, "oh wow!" He has major issues. He sounds like he could be dangerous, too. Like someone else said, we want to love and help them because we feel love and compassion. But like with a rabid dog, you gotta step back and not get bitten. You got swept off your feet. You knew it "wasn't you" to be like that with a man you just met. What was it that swept you away? What was it that let you take your boundaries down and jump in with him so quickly? I myself have had boundaries with some and let those boundaries disappear with others. I have moved too quickly only to find out they were all kinds of wrong. Some I walked away from easily and some I was tortured over for a long time. Forgive yourself for it. Learn from it. You see how he has manipulated you and many other women-- none of us have to point that out because you know it and told us in your story. and you feel hurt from it. You may be going through PTSD yourself. It took a long time for me to realize what I want and what I deserve and to believe that I can have what I want and deserve and to realize it is ok to be alone and I am enough. It took a long time for me to separate from my narc and the PTSD I suffered (not to mention the stress while with him). It took a long time to figure out why I was drawn to him and what hooked me and why I had a hard time walking away when I knew what was going on and what he really was. Make it all about you. Delete his phone number, change yours, delete the email account, let your emotions out in a private journal, get therapy if you can, try to find gratitude for things every day and read positive thinking type books-- not only books about him and narcissists, but books about recovery and happiness. Maybe even put your mom in charge of your money so you don't feel inclined to give him any more. I myself am going through some tough economic times, so I would rather see you have your money for your needs and your joys than him getting it and giving you nothing in return. write little notes to yourself telling yourself that you love yourself and you will be ok. Say those words every morning and every night. You are not alone. Hugs to you!
Sep 27 - 11AM (Reply to #6)
deckard
deckard's picture

I have always been like this

My mother said I go shopping for love in the wounded bird bin. My marriage was hard fought and won but worth everything I put into it. But that was my husband and loving him did make him a better man and it made me a better woman. That's the way it should be. I believe in many ways I am trying to somehow re-establish a connection with my father through loving ER. My father and I have no relationship. He has NPD. ER is nothing like my father (certainly the polar opposite) yet he is so much like him at the same time. ER is dangerous on some levels though they tend to be self-destructive as far as I can see. He has other issues that compound his being a narc too. It has been a slow revelation in to his damage over the past year. With ER I went mad with lust and desire for him immediately. No man ever got to that part of me in that way before. It was a hunger like I never experienced. I still feel it every single day. Everything you are saying here is perfectly rational, superb advice. And I cannot bear the thought of applying any of it to my life if it means that I will lose him. I am aware how nuts that sounds.
Sep 27 - 11AM (Reply to #7)
spinning
spinning's picture

Deckard, what is it

that you think you will "lose?" The punishment of not having the man so are so wild about's phone number? The uncertainty of his silent treatments? The continual nod you give him to treat you like this? The agony of him going home to a wife every day? The gut-wrenching pain of knowing he is lying? The confusion and conflicting thoughts you are having right now? These in my eyes are the things you will "lose" when you "lose him." Please consider this. This is the reality from an outside observer's point of view. This is the reality I had to come to grips with, too. It hurt like hell because I was used to the thought that "love equals pain" with the disordered one and the relationship that I endured for six years. At almost 10 months NC, I now realize that love does not equal pain. Love equals joy and growth (as you know and have stated). I am sorry you are so conflicted about this. Torn, even. This is how it will be if you continue in the "relationship." Please consider going NC when he hoovers back in this time. You have the power to change your life and to create something beautiful and joyful for yourself and your kind, loving heart... He is married and he stays married because it works for him. Please consider saving your kind, tender heart for someone who can accept it, nurture it, help it grow 100 percent of the time. I hope this doesn't hurt you, Deckard. You are here because there's a problem. Acknowledging the problem like you have is a big step forward toward finding peace of mind and clarity. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE AND I CHOOSE ME.

spinning