Am I the "predator"?

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#1 Jan 11 - 2PM
Run4it
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Am I the "predator"?

Reading has me cycling through my crap today and trying to own my part in things and especially in my recovery.

I am beginning to think that I am the predator lately. My ex N has not contacted me since the box sent in early Nov. He has moved on with the OW, albeit still keeping it on the down-low. He does speak to me when I have bumped into him, and I have ignored that. I am still getting anxious everytime I hear ANYTHING about him/them and do stupid &%@# like drive by when out to see if his car is at work, ck FB for pictures etc. I don't think a day goes by that I am not performing some act of "contact". It makes me feel like a sicko. I really do think that he has stopped and that I am the issue. How do I move forward from this? Contact=Pain and I know he is sick but I am driving myself crazy and don't know that I can blame him for that.

Jan 13 - 3PM
Run4it
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48Hrs

Doing Ok although photo of OW with some mutual friends popped up on feed. I gkt off FB immediately. Edgy today. I swear this has to be similar to other addictions in a way...
Jan 12 - 3PM
janemarie
janemarie's picture

Thats why you have to block

Thats why you have to block that stuff...and yes you can easily unblock it but once its blocked it gives you more of an incentive to keep to the NC...It kinda forces you not to look...and before you know it...you dont want to...because the pain eases and you dont want it to come back! It worked for me... I still pass where he may be on drives to the grocery store...At first...I did the same thing..my palms would sweat and my heart would race thinking I may see his truck (that I incidently want to key the shit out of)...but as time passes...and the NC continues...it begins to fade... The other day I was driving and realizes after I passed those spots that "hey..I didnt look!!" It felt really good...you'll get there, but you gotta really do the NC thing to get there...its the only way
Jan 12 - 4PM (Reply to #22)
Run4it
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Key the truck

yes, that urge has come many times, along with a few others! Thank God I have fought that down hahahahahaha
Jan 12 - 3PM
Run4it
Run4it's picture

24 HOURS TOTAL NC!

OK, 24 hrs total NC. Not one glance at workplace parking lot, no FB peeking nothing, Nada. Didn't sleep worth a darn, but I owe that to withdrawals because I have obviously not been handling NC properly. I had that racing, revengeful mind process that I kept beating down with reading and prayer. Tonight I will take some melatonin to help a bit with the sleep. Holding myself accoutable by posting, so bear with me...
Jan 12 - 3PM (Reply to #20)
janemarie
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Good,...post it...whatever

Good,...post it...whatever works for you!! 24 hours is a start!!! Keep it going woman!!!
Jan 12 - 3PM
Run4it
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Computer error

posted 2x
Jan 11 - 9PM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

Please don't feel bad...

Please don't feel bad about yourself..you recognize that this is hurting you and you know you need to stop. If you can't stop yourself from peeking, then the best thing to do is to block him and the OW. Believe me, nothing good can come from knowing anything about his life. Let him go, he hasn't changed (and you know that) so there really isn't anything to go back for. We are here to support you. HUGS.
Jan 11 - 8PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Run4it

I agree with the others. It's the addiction. I did some of these things as well,and felt awful for doing them. When you think about it, everything about the abuser brings pain. That's why you will only be at peace when you conquer the addiction. It will come but you have to be very aware of your thoughts and actions.
Jan 11 - 7PM
Run4it
Run4it's picture

So far, so good

Thank you all so much for the great suggestions and support. It has now been 5Hours and 40 Min of absolute NC. I have been cheating in little ways that are hurting my recovery so I will have to hold myself accountable minute by minute until this becomes second nature. I am willing and God is working with me. Gym was Narc and OW free tonight and it was great! Watching a series to keep me occupied tonight, with a nice glass of wine.
Jan 11 - 6PM
walking_on_sunshine
walking_on_sunshine's picture

You have to trust the

You have to trust the process. Trust in the idea that NC really works and makes you feel better. If you fight through the temptation yes you suffer from the initial effects of fighting the obsession but, once you get through each temptation, you get stronger and stronger and stronger and then it starts to reinforce itself. NC = feel better and Contact = pain/feel worse, so eventually you stop the contact automatically because you see it makes you feel better. Maybe try fighting through the next few temptations and see how you feel a few days later. Baby steps, but just keep making them. Ohhh, and listen... you are so not the problem... its him totally!
Jan 11 - 3PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

You are not the issue Run4it.

You are not the issue Run4it. You are simply experiencing "obsession" It is very common in your recovery. This too will pass. Curiosity is a very strong verb, and it can get you every time! In time, like I said, this will pass. Make more of a conscious effort not to peek. Looking only hurts, curiosity killed the cat as they say and nothing good will come from it. Don't beat yourself up over it, but also acknowledge that what you are doing is not healthy for your recovery, make it one of your main goals and work towards stopping. It all doesn't happen over night. You are driving yourself crazy because that is where he put you. You will find yourself moving from that as well. All part of the prossess, be patient.
Jan 11 - 2PM
Run4it
Run4it's picture

So hard

because I have always been such a strong person. Thank you all for your suggestions. I love the idea of being "Willing" which is step 3 of the 12 Step Program. It also helps me think that I have made progress and this is just another plateau I need to rise above with new tools. So the goal for the next 24 hours is to totally have NO CONTACT in any way, shape or form. Starting now. Love you ladies (and some gents too I know) and bless you for being there.
Jan 11 - 6PM (Reply to #12)
kungpowcat
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I need to do this, as I am

I need to do this, as I am "stalking" a bit too. *sigh*.
Jan 11 - 6PM (Reply to #11)
bgirl
bgirl's picture

I put some sticky notes on my

I put some sticky notes on my computer: 'You are not going to look him up because you have more respect for yourself than that!' 'contact = pain' 'Get your butt outside and do something for YOU,' Not sure if this will help you, but it helped me. :)
Jan 11 - 2PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Run, you must try to detach...

from the drama of his life and his machinations. You must really try to eliminate anything about this person from your realm of being as he no longer has any influence on your life or your happiness. That is, unless you give him that power... For me, I actually had to begin thinking of the disordered one I was involved with as DEAD because he 1) never really existed in the first place; and 2) had to be dead to me if I was ever, ever going to move on and heal. It was all about detaching, minute by minute. I literally had to kick the thoughts out of my head many times a day. I literally had to quiz and question myself as to "why would I possibly want to drive by (his house, where he skates, the station, etc.)...what will I gain from this?" before I did anything. I asked myself "what is my intent in doing this?" Usually I could not come up with a good answer. Run, you'll stop when you find you are no longer interested in the drama of his comings and goings. You'll stop when you realize that it's just picking at a wound. You'll stop when you realize that focusing your energy on yourself and other things is much more satisfying. It's a process and you are early in it. I wouldn't go back there for anything. You move forward just exactly as you are...examining, questioning, re-thinking, changing the script. You are doing it, and when you get to a plateau like you are, you have to let go yet again if you want to move on. Let go of him and all things attached to him. It really has no bearing on what you want to become. Do it little by little. A little at a time. It will happen if you keep trying. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. AND LONGING FOR THE DAY WHEN NO ONE WILL SPIN OVER THESE DISORDERED FREAKS

spinning

Jan 11 - 2PM
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture

This is just part of the

This is just part of the process of recovery.i did it exactly as you described until I got so sick and hurt I couldn't do it anymore. Try and become willing. Willingness can move mountains. Above all, don't give yourself a hard time. Forgive yourself and be gentle. Just try and go 1 day. Just 1 day with no contact at all. Just let the wounds heal. Like all wounds, they itch whilst healing. The trick is not to scratch and then it heals quicker x x
Jan 11 - 2PM
gratefuljen
gratefuljen's picture

When the coggnitive dissonance goes away

you will have a light bulb moment. Mine happened when I fessed up to texting him mean messages. Hunter responded and that was it. I realized that the narc/p does not love, did not love, will never love me or anyone his entire life. It's all about supply. Period end of story. It's so hard to wrap your brain around the fact that they are monsters, not human. They have a body but no soul. It takes time. But on the other hand, I see people on here for over a year and they are still contacting their abuser. I DONT UNDERSTAND THAT. Read, educate, no contact, pray, focus on you. Jen
Jan 11 - 2PM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

If you got to the point of

If you got to the point of craziness where you were doing, or are doing, predatory things, then you can work on that. But contact will keep us sick and nuts. Try being the Terminator instead. Predator versus Terminator, lol. Terminate contact, drive by's, responding to him, etc. Distance and time help the healing! We beat ourselves up, get weak, and re-engage with the chaos. No more for me, I like my freedom and peace too much to give it up for a Narcissist with a Personality Disorder who will suck me out of all my self respect and dignity. ds
Jan 11 - 2PM
lettinggoNP44
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They make you feel insane...

...so the only way to do it is NC in any and all forms: no phone calls, no text messaging, no looking at FB pics (I blocked him and deactivated my profile). I'm on day 7 of NC and I feel GRAND. It's only going to get better. But again not only do I have him blocked, I got rid of all reminders of him (burned/flushed notes, cards, deleted all emails). They really are tumors you need to cut out. I promise you, if you exorcise yourself of all reminders of them (I tell myself that FB peeking is contact) you will feel SO MUCH BETTER. Run toward your sanity/serenity.
Jan 11 - 2PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

You are looking for

You are looking for validation. ... You may or may not get it.. You will stop.. Try setting goals for yourself .. Hunter
Jan 11 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Run4it

Sorry I got an F with my writing skills.. You are looking for valuation .. You want proof that's he's a Psychopath.. So snooping will validate that.. Set goals.. Like I'm not snooping for two days.. Then move it to a week.. As far as running into him.. You'll have to suck it up and as I said before Run4it. Youre doing great.. Keep the Buzz alive.. Hunter
Jan 11 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
Run4it
Run4it's picture

Hunter

What type of validation are you referring to? Also, goals as they pertain to what? Sorry for the questions but I am needing to move forward from this spot somehow and I value the input.
Jan 11 - 2PM (Reply to #3)
lettinggoNP44
lettinggoNP44's picture

Goals...

Just an idea, but perhaps you could strive for 7 days NC (full NC), then 14, then so on. Does that help? It feels like the hardest thing to do, but NC is actually quite simple and rewards in leaps and bounds. Good luck.