While I somewhat agree with this...he asked her to lie on their first date. To me...it's not worth pursuing. I don't care how 'nice' he is...a normal guy wouldn't have acted so awkward and wanting to avoid his boss...that's odd. But, not so odd to never see him again. That, I agree with. But, to say to DHW...''Say you're my gf.'' It doesn't make sense.
When things start OFF not making sense. To me? After what we have all gone through...ignoring red flags ...which most of us did, which is why we were in the messes we were in...isn't prudent.
But, that's just me.
SET THE BAR HIGH. Don't lower your standards so you're not alone. Don't lower your standards so you can date...Set the bar HIGH. There are men out there who have high morals and values, and won't ask you to compromise yours.
I also think it's a huge red flag to tell someone you barely know...I want to introduce you to my kids.
To me...I'd keep moving on. But, DHW...You need to follow your heart...but you also need to lead with your mind. :=) That's all I'm saying. If in your GUT, you felt uncomfortable...don't ignore it.
I've ignored so many red flags in my life, and ended up regretting it.
Just sayin...we need to set the bar high. Not lower it because we feel every man out there deserves a chance. Every man doesn't deserve a chance. They really don't. Only those that prove worthy of that chance. Liars need not apply, especially men who want me to lie along with them...
MY TWO CENTS! LOL
So very pleased to make your aquaintance and thankyou so much for your words of wisdom :)
I am so sorry to hear of how long your ordeal was....mine was only 18 months and I thank my lucky stars he knocked some sense into me LITERALLY on that fateful night ten months ago!
That is what I am doing though....trusting my gut. At first it said RUN FOR THE HILLS, now it's not only quietened down (with his persistance and reassurance) it's saying 'go for it, he may be the ONE' one minute and then 'STOP, this guy could spell trouble' the next!
I feel like I'm a pushmepullyou! I want to trust. Like you I'm also an eternal optimist and have always had an abundance of trust until I got it beaten out of me. Then I was a paranoid gal who had to have eyes in the back of her head and was waiting on tenderhooks for my inevitable destruction. It never happened....ok, I had a few scary scinarios that set me right back but I'm still here to tell the tale and still have that flaming eternal optimism, although diminished a little, burning inside.
You said
'I say, follow the path that smiles and beckons. If it helps your self esteem to be on a dating website, and improves your self confidence- it is okay. But realize 2 things. 1) we don't need validation from others (especially strangers whose opinion doesn't really mean squat)to know we are beautiful and worth loving (I had to learn this one the hard way..always trying to prove I was worth having and loving.) and 2)Turn away from a path where you hit the same obstacle over and over. Aren't you tired of that? Of course you are. Fearlessly release old habits, patterns and situations that no longer work. Make way for this continued growth..enjoy this journey of redidicating your life and love to YOURSELF!'
I love it....although his smile and beckoning are what brought me back here in the first place lol. I'm not quite sure if I'm looking for him to validate me, I really have been doing great re my self esteem lately. Although I have to admit he does wonders for my confidence when he starts telling me things like I'm the most beautiful woman he has ever met and my personality is the most unique etc.....maybe I'm now a narc and just lapping it up? ARGHHHHHHHHHHH
I'm doing my utmost here to put him off though, I'm constantly analising, critisising, showing him all my bad points. He suggests meeting up and I say I'm busy....I'm not, but I'm scared of getting too close and to give him any power over me.
So much for me being over all this huh? This thing has serious repercussions in future relationships, just wish these f*cked up idiots came with a sign tatooed on their forehead to allay all our doubts and fears :(
Not quite sure about loving myself quite yet, I really LIKE myself, and I LOVE your advise....thankyou so much :)
xxx
It's good to see you here but not so good what is causing you anxiety...
...in fact, I would say that if this new "situation" is already causing you such consternation, your answer may present itself to you.
I'll add that I think the whole boss-i-phone-then-she-walks
-in-the-door thing is a bit of a reg flag ...maybe more than just a bit...so I would listen to my gut on this.
I would also like to observe that he did not respect your boundary of not wanting to see him again after you had the red flag in the pub moment. This is also a bit of a red flag.
On the other hand, you are a grown adult woman. YOU ARE IN CONTROL. You do not have to marry this guy or get all hooked up...what do you want? Some fun dates? A friend, confidant, lover? If you go into it just thinking that it could be an adventure with a person who you are interested in and are attracted to, maybe you're just over-analyzing things. Maybe you could just ask him why he has a photo of his boss on the i-phone and how weird you thought it was that she showed up on your date. Think about it and find your answer and then go from there.
I truly know what you are going through. An interesting person has crossed my path...it has been almost two months and we have had enjoyable times. However, we do not keep in constant contact. We have not had any big 'where is this going' conversations. He has a life and I created my own in the aftermath of the disordered one (which I now look at the brutal D & D as a blessing in disguise...I have never been so free!!) I do not rearrange my plans (yet, anyway) and the hot guy always makes an effort to see me. Initially I felt like damaged goods and thought he'd never ever call again. I let him go. And now every time I see him and have a great time (and some pretty good chemistry too), I let him go when we part. I truly tell myself to just let him go. I have enjoyed the experience and have felt better for it. So far, he keeps returning.
What is it you want from this person? Ask yourself that. Be honest in your gut and listen to the answer. I think it is all right there in front of you.
You don't owe anyone anything. You owe it to yourself to be treated well, to have fun, to be respected and cherished!
I hope this doesn't sound harsh. It's so hard getting out there again. I truly know. I'm scared down to my bones. But I also know I steer the ship. I'll never give the wheel over to anyone again.
Hugs and best wishes for laughter and light and fun and love to you, Despy...
Most sincerely,
(not) spinning (not even a little today and IT FEELS GREAT!!)
I'm with you all the way here (by the way, great to talk to you again) :)
I don't trust him as far as I could throw him most of the time, although apart from the boss walks in scinario he has given me no other doubts. I know he sort of overstepped the boundaries by messaging me again, but I was glad he did GRRRRRRR. I had such a good time with him up until that moment that when he tried so hard to win me back around I wondered as to his motives and thought he either 'really clicked with me and likes me' or 'he see's me as a conquest'. I can cope with the first. I'm just so mixed up. My trust is shot to smithereens, my narc radar is on high alert and my heart is cocooned in a ring of steel. I guess I want someone to break all thses barriers down and prove there are GENUINE good guys out there. I really thought I'd be able to tell, but now I'm doubting my skills.
If I wasn't so damned attracted to him and frightened of letting go of a real good thing, I'd have done an about turn by now!
I've backed off bigtime today. I may end up pushing him away anyway and then this will all be put down to experience. I feel like a nieve young girl again. I want to be older and wiser and to be able to read men real well after all I've learned, but I feel so vulnerable still.
Like you I'm scared down to my bones...so scared of getting hurt again. I want to steer this ship, but not go down with it like in Titanic GRRRRRR
Thanks Spinning. Still also feeling so bad for feeling like I abandoned ship before!
Deteremined to stay afloat and avoid nearly drowning (ever again)
like starting over again. My trust is totally blown, too. Even with nice hot guy I secretly, inwardly lament that it will end before it even gets started, that he will disappear, etc.
The good news is we are at least both trying. When I talk to my sister about it I actually told her I have to remind myself that he (new guy) is coming from a much healthier place than I am. That I really do not know what "normal" is so I'm somewhat hyper-sensitive to everything.
I know we can only do the best we can. I say have some fun, be honest with him and yourself, and keep steering the ship! That's what I'm trying to do, too.
Despy, one thing we can both agree on with strong conviction: IT IS SO EXCELLENT BEING NARC FREE! I'm not quite ten months out but I'm closing in on seven and never, ever thought I'd feel like this--new guy or not. I am actually starting to like myself and like my life...and it's MINE!!!
Love and hugs and good vibes and sweet, fun happenings to you, Despy. You deserve it!
Your friend,
(not) spinning (the sick MF'er DIDN'T TAKE ME DOWN!!!)
While I somewhat agree with
MNL 2011
Hi, Despy!
spinning
Spinning
I know, Despy...it's definitely
spinning