Am I moving forwards or backwards?

I'm glad I can help, really. I don't want to come across too paranoid or like I'm judging or trying to convince you of anything. I read your other topic today btw so I know what happened last night. There are a lot of similarities about your new guy to my ex. I was also the first one to initiate sex. I had no idea that he could be a predator because the connection I felt was way stronger than I've ever known before and I seemed to be the one who was convincing him that we would be good together in the very early days. We hear the stories of love at first sight and these working out, being real. I had given up on those stories long before meeting narc and really didn't think along those lines anymore at all about relationships (I was 47 yrs old when we met and had never been narc-ed before, but had my share of dead end relationships). Narc brought all that magical thinking back. He was perfect to me in the beginning. He seldom spoke of ex's in a negative way and would take responsibility often for the endings as his own. He would say he just wasn't happy anymore with them and if there was a reason that suggested it was their doing (such as one who cheated), he told me, but usually there wasn't. Mine seemed to have self reflection and often talked about enlightenment, living in the moment, a higher purpose, non-attachment. I looked up to so much about his character, believing he was an honest man, capable of deep love and thoughts. For the first 4 months he was in awe of me and my talents. He asked my advice on things that mattered, he listened so well and I was willing to share everything because I felt a connection I believed to be real, solid and honest. When the control, manipulation and withholding began it was unexpected and very covert. My instincts confused me all throughout the relationship after that and the cog dis was such that I was constantly adjusting to his ever changing moods and ideas. When he started doing things that were obviously hurting me, the confusion became horrendous because he was also a moment later reaffirming what I had been believing about him so I stayed, I waited, I forgave, I believed I was where I was supposed to be the whole time. I felt helpless to get away. It seemed like what he asked of me was what I should do as a person in my own spiritual growth. I justified my discomfort as learning to live more in the moment, accepting another as they are, without expectations or living in the future. My narc had brainwashed me into being blind to the emotional abuse for what it was and my self esteem and strength was slowly destroyed over time with him (we were together 2 yrs). As far as the compatibility goes - we were a perfect fit. And I am not just saying that. I think it is why our relationship lasted as long as it did for both of us. I don't want to get into identifying details right now, but for a while we spent every day working on three significant collaborative projects while also living together. I know he wasn't cheating and he seemed happy to be there with me. The only fights we had were about my reactions to his behavior. I would get the silent treatment and withholding as punishment for not 'letting him be himself' or for 'making him feel like he was being controlled or manipulated', then the next I knew he'd be all 'normal' again as if it didn't happen. If I was still upset or even showed disappointment or sadness at all, I wasn't living in the moment and I needed to learn how to compartmentalize and get over it. Wasn't I having fun with him now? Why isn't what you have right now ever good enough? Ahhhhh!!!! It was such a mind fu*k!!! In the end he did what every narc does. Very quickly withdrew from having much interest anymore in our projects or me. Withheld intimacy, started searching new supply elsewhere without me (after being so incredibly close I wasn't welcome any more to accompany him to do things), quickly found new supply, broke up with me the first chance he could afterward when it would seem to appear to be my fault (he hates anyone thinking badly of him), and then left taking only what he could fit in his vehicle like he couldn't get away fast enough because I had become so contemptuous in his eyes. Anyway, I say all this only so that you can see just how different narcs approach their supply, the connection it seems they are able to make and how even when by all intense purposes it should work out, a narc is a narc is a narc. Your new guy may not be one and I will be so happy if you find a true partner with him. I think comparing his behavior to your ex psycho is not a good gauge though. My ex never threatened me physically or even verbally. He seldom yelled and I don't think he ever called me names. He had anger that came out passively and I didn't see that in any obvious way for a long time. Looking back there were little things, like the way he drove sometimes, the way he awoke grumpy before putting on the mask. Because we had so much in common however, it was easier with me to keep the mask on. I was great for him. We laughed all the time about stuff and I was his perfect audience. I adored him from the start. I was perfect supply. He used me to advance his own agenda and when I had little left anymore to give after being so worn down emotionally, he got bored of trying to accomplish his agenda by using me since I wasn't as useful anymore in my state and left. Done, over, complete. He has never hoovered romantically or led me to believe he ever will. That too is not typical narc behavior, but I've come to the conclusion that he is a narc based on the total of him, his behavior, his history and what I know of his present life, versus the particular little traits that identify them so. Just be very careful with this new guy. Underneath what he is showing you now, he may just be as cocky, arrogant and confident as mine. The kind of narc that doesn't need to start showing his manipulating and controlling behavior from the start because they are so sure of their game. They can take their time because they know this tactic works, that we give ourselves over to them almost because of it. They seem harmless in their 'pretend patience', that they truly want us and feel the same way we do when the intimacy develops, but they also know that by acting this way and not coming on too strong we are more likely to fall for them and trust they are authentic. Remember the very wise words that "if it seems too good to be true, it might be". Don't let yourself stop yourself from being cautious with him out of a fear of being too paranoid or careful or losing him if you are. If he is the real deal, he won't leave that easily because he will care that you need to process it your own way in order to learn to trust him. I haven't dated anyone since my narc and I often think what is the point any more because I can't imagine finding someone I will get along with so well or have so much in common with or love so deeply ever again. I hope I'm wrong, but THAT was what kept me with him and drew me to him. He was the man of my dreams and I know if he wasn't disordered I could have been happy with him the rest of my life. I have never been so sure of that with anyone else. So Despy, take my story for what it's worth and keep your eyes open. The manipulation with mine started real small and by the time it became truly harmful to me I was blind to see it.