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After the N

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#1 Jan 7 - 2PM
Mariline
Mariline's picture

After the N

Always reading, rarely writing ( you can check my IP)

I found the strength of posting this question only because I have seen that also other people is questioning a bit about this topic.

After the N I had a short story, I spotted the new N immediately thanks to Barbara and to this board.

Recently I found another man and I am keeping it at bay as muich as I can.
It has been 5 months now, too short time. He wanted to marry me, he still wants, he accepts any condition I have.

Mmmmhhhh....N trying to lure?

But I also wonder: what if the lack of trust following the N spoil every opportunity to build a new and satisfying life?

Right now I am thinking to pay for a research on zabasearch or mylife in order to collect info about this new man. But ......I am horrified of myself!!!!! I would never thought of that before! What is happened of me, what is happened of decent relationships? What is happened of TRUST?

Doing this research what does it mean? That I have become just like HIM?
That I am snooping in another people life just like HE did, without respecting any boundaries? Just in the name of my past wounds?

It sounds like a N excuse. And I am horrified.
What do you think?

Jan 7 - 6PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Listen to Your Instincts

Here you are asking questions, thinking of hiring a PI. Obviously, this guy is not passing the tummy test. You're second guessing yourself, putting yourself & your intuition down, acting as if, well, meaybe you're being too suspicious . . . maybe by slowing this down a bit . . . you'll lose your chance at love. Isn't that how the N works? Playing on the desire for a committed relationship & pushing against the boundries? If he loves you, & want to be with you, he can wait to marry you until you feel comfortable. Now, just joking as a N will say, . . . how about a long engagement? Get a really nice ring from him (make sure he pays) . . . if he doesn't want to buy you a ring to get engaged & an engagement period to get to know each other better . . . well then maybe something's fishy. Is dude willing to put his money where his mouth is? Why's he in such a rush to marry? Ns always need support of some kind. Not always financial. But they cannot live alone. Housekeeping. All sorts of assistance. Most guys are not in a rush to marry. Why is he?
Jan 7 - 3PM
baddream
baddream's picture

Just 5 Months

It is nice that you have met a nice new man, Mariline, but you are wise to be cautious. The damage from ex-N leaves us vulnerable, and other N's and personality disordered can sometimes spot it. It is a radar they have, and the vulnerability makes us easy targets. Although we are no longer with N, and have NC there is a part of us that remembers him, and in my case, sometimes misses some of the aspects of that relationship. The lows were the lowest, and the highs were incredible. It was my addiction to the highs that kept me on the roller coaster. I do not know what would happen if I found myself in a situation with a man who make me feel those highs again. Would I be able to resist? Would it be like an alcoholic who enjoyed drinking vodka, went cold turkey, and then took a sip of scotch? I am not trying to make you paranoid, but base this on my own experience. Your new man might be terrific and perhaps there is nothing to worry about. I am not trying to make you paranoid, but only suggesting you be cautious. It sounds like you are on the right track. Don't be horrified by what you are doing---- checking his background. It is very prudent of you. Go slowly, please do not rush into anything. Best wishes to you.
Jan 7 - 3PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

I am a private investigator

I am a private investigator and I think you are doing a very practical thing to check this man or any man out. It has nothing to do with trust it has to do with being prudent. Some very interesting things come out of those searches especially men who are married but like to 'play serious relationship' with other women. One woman in the US had some feelings of misgiving even though the wedding to her airline pilot boyfriend, was scheduled and the invitations were printed. She had an investigator check him out and he was married and living with his wife and children in an other city. She confronted him by selling her story to a local TV newsroom. they set up a hidden camera in a restaurant and filmed them as she exposed the information about the wife and children. he blew up and threatened her; not knowing the whole thing was airing on the 6 o'clock news! I saw it and the guy was definately crazy. thank God she checked him out. Information is power and after being burned you need to know who you are dealing with or you might end up with another problem. Your responsibility is to yourself not to anyone else and it is important that you are in a safe relationship with the right person.
Jan 7 - 2PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Mariline

trust has to be EARNED not trusting someone so easily is GOOD now in the aftermath. 5 months is TOO SOON.... WAAAAY too soon!! http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/01/04/fast-track-racing-not-relationships Go ahead and check on them. That's a VERY VERY good thing. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Jan 7 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
Mariline
Mariline's picture

You are always so terribly

You are always so terribly right, Barbara. Okay I will go for it. Let's see. But I Don't want to be like HIM......I really don't want. Tell me that I am not becoming him.....because this would be the cruellest joke. Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self. (Emotional Abusers- Heartless Bitches International)
Jan 7 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

After the N, huh?

After the N.... After healing and learning these 3 years following my breakdown with my ex N I found my new skills and ability with fearing but also rewarding. What I mean by skills is the knowledge of these types of pathological people and the abuse all of them will cause anyone who is foolish enough gets involved with one. The ability is of course my choice what to do with one whenever I come into contact with one. The fear this new found knowledge offers me is that there are many of them in so many different aspect of our life society and other places I never had a clue of before my own “awaking” and breaking this spell. The fear or regret is how I must walk away from some and sometimes wish I didn’t have too. As a passionate person myself, they too have passion but it’s a destructive kind with more pit holes then any street in Chicago. But the red flags are there and now is unavoidable undeniable and irrefutable. Knowing full well that I just saved myself time and sorrow still it can be sad at times. The reward of course is this ability to stop relationships headed for doom and gloom before it even gets started. One last comment is how I feel at times like the little boy in a crowd of people, telling the emperor what great clothes he is wearing when in fact I now can see the emperor isn’t wearing any clothes. After the N? Well I can only guess we need to take the good with the bad and remember *self discipline = self caring. *The Road Less Travelled by M Scott Peck. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/