Topic of the week/Do the actions match the words?

prettypeeved..same here. exn tried to hoover but when i asked him what he wants from me etc...it was all the same...he said let things happen naturally and he cant make any promises..its amazing that he was acting as if he had this profound reason as to why he was begging me to unblock him..its all about jsut usuing us as a backup and feeling in control...they are compete deceptive evil selfish jerks. mine will give up too..im too difficult and non compliant..but he is just saying that its me being insecure and not letting things flow...bs. doesnt work anymore buddy. glad they will give us for all of us

The word/action mismatch was the first thing I began to become aware of. He's still doing it now. He's trying to hoover by being all friendly and nice on another forum, but actionwise...well, no apologies, no attempt to do anything other than manipulate me into thinking he's changed now. It's just a matter of time until he gives up, no doubt.

My biggest problem was that the words and actions would constantly trade places. He'd tell me he wasn't looking for anything, didn't want anything serious, but then he'd constantly call, constantly text, wanting to know what I was doing no matter if I was at work, on vacation, sleeping - he couldn't leave me alone. He helped me move to another state, helped me get started in my new job, all totally of his own volition. He'd demand to know why I hadn't invited him to one of my work outings, or my father's birthday party, when I'd been trying to respect what he'd been saying, that he didn't want to feel like he was being roped into a relationship. And then other times he'd talk about how "this could really be something," how cool he thought I was, how much he liked me, he'd confide in me about stuff going on with his family, but then he'd not answer my calls, take forever to call me back, refuse to see me. I had no idea which end was up. I couldn't even use the "actions not words" guideline because he kept switching back and forth.

This is so true. I've had a problems with this. I've been trying to retrain myself since the D&D to stand back from people, and watch what they're doing versus what they're saying. You are absolutely correct, there frequently are large gaps between people's words and their actions (especially in xnh's case). This was definitely a huge red flag with xnh that I should have paid attention to (and didn't). My taking him at face value certainly bit me in the butt for the next 16 years. What he says, and what he does are definitely two entirely different things. Great post!

goldie- its so true that it is very important we do that. everytime i would read abotu watching their actions and not their words it made so much sense i started to see that all they were is words..mine and all the n's all of us deal wiht. im sad that we all had to go trhough all this but its good that we were able to learn to look to see if others are actions words and behavior do go in line with one another. i know for me i have started to do that and has made my hoovering experienced much different. i think God gives us an internal alarm system too. if not only do they actions and words dont mix but that you can sense that something is not quite right no matter what they say or do i think that is helpful for me. when n came back recently he begged me to unblock him and seemed like he had something to say but it was all the same...so if youdo what your down, sit back watch observe listen you can really see a toxic manipular or pd for what they are. i think that is the gift we all got from all this. thank you for starting this great and helpful post

nancy that was a very helpful post and so true.

I remember saying to him, "your actions are so loud I can't hear you." Yes, yes, & yes there was a tremendous amount of inconsistency between his words and actions. It was a HUGE red flag to me and I remember at the time being confused by it but conveniently ignored it because of his words of love - I believed him, I wanted to believe that the beautiful words he was speaking were the truth. The following are examples from my journal that had to do with the inconsistencies: "He just seems so frustrated with his situation but seems like he does nothing to change it." "I wonder if he has ever followed through on anything (he had said)." I never shared this with him but it helped me to write it down & now it is a constant reminder of my anger, frustration and uncertainty at the time - "Stop the madness. You ___ are not a victim. You are the reason we broke down & apart. I was consistent in all my communications. Stop this bullshit now." This is when I was thinking of ending our relationship, I wrote to myself "You will not have lost anything but WORDS alone" AND let me say that this was very early on in our relationship. I saw the inconsistencies but ignored them. BUT the coup de grace as far as inconsistencies - My Narcissist is a very talented artist and I had asked him to draw, create something for me, anything, just for me, from him - AHEM, over a year later - I am still waiting for it (ha, not really, but you get the idea, I never got it). I did get a bunch of excuses, "I'm working on it," "I want it to be perfect," "I didn't know if I should give it to you because you and I are not getting along," etcetera. I could not believe that this person who was so talented, who could draw something amazing in 10 seconds would not draw something for me. And the kicker is he could have drawn a pile of sh*t and I would have thought it was the best thing in the world. I never understood it - I gave him everything and I mean everything and it was like he could not give me something I wanted, that didn't cost him any $, that he could have easily done - just because he knew I wanted it. Good Lord, thank you for giving me the strength & fortitude to stay away from him. Today is day 66 of NC & the hoovering was at an all time high this past week and yesterday.

I am still learning. It's definitely hard for me. I visualize or hear something from someone and immediately want to think that's real. I want to trust people but I need to watch actions more closely and not words. If I had done this in the very beginning with my narc then I wouldn't be hurting so much right now. I think this is very important for us all. Actions truly do speak louder than words.

Due to a disability...the friends I have are pretty close knit. What I am finding is that in general, I lack patience for anything "draining"... I used to be very willing to help others, lend an ear...very generous... I haven't been Scrooge, but I find that others are kept on a very short leash? I don't want to talk to people much...and that has more to do with the fact that I think overall I attracted needy dysfunctional types...AND I no longer want to be drained... AND I think that is all a result of how I was molded...the dysfunction I come from that was "normal" all these years and now that I am aware I'm like WTF!!! AND it's hard to "begin" new friendships in your 40's so I've been very busy doing things that bring me enjoyment no matter how simple and finding my peace...AND the truth? I'm actually quite content, and I just hope I don't turn in to Greta Garbo!...Ha!