1st Contact in 6 weeks…Feedback PLEASE!

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#1 May 5 - 6AM

TovaBella

1st Contact in 6 weeks…Feedback PLEASE!

Well, it happened…he contacted me after six weeks of not a peep. I’m not sure what to think. Part of me is surprised…another part of me isn’t. He sent me a FB email, just saying he was at the dentist today and saw my picture. It really isn’t my picture, but he’s told me the woman in the photo has my smile. I personally believe his email is just him trying to “test the waters” to see where I’m at and if I’ll respond to him. Mind you we didn’t end on bad terms, he just simply started his new job (that he lied and cheated to obtain) and stopped communicating and or contacting me. I didn’t attempt to initiate contact because I’m trying to heal and follow the steps. I went and am still going through the entire painful D&D experience of being not wanted by him, not important enough to be contacted, have pictured him living the high life with other new sources of NS and have been hurting everyday, but healing everyday too.

So tell me my fabulous support of amazing men and women, what the f*ck does he want from me now? Is he just checking to see if the door is open for him? Either way, I won’t be responding…I’ve come to far and really DON’T want to start from the beginning again…it was too painful the first time around. I would LOVE to hear some opinions here on his actions from other peoples experiences. I can’t help but think he’s just testing me and if I respond, he’ll just disappear back to his life and use the lame ass excuse of, “Well, I’ve been REALLY busy with work” which is code for, I haven’t thought of you and I’ve been f*cking these new sources of NS. Perhaps he had a slight falter of NS and thought of me as he was sitting in his dental chair? I’m sure he’s anxious to do a mental dump on me too. Since we were friends before he disappeared, he used to get me on the phone for forty five minutes to an hour and dump everything that’s been happening to him. The dump included who he was dating “screwing” how great or hot she is…emailed her picture to me. Disgusting! I’m sure he’ll add how he’s spending his additional thirty five thousand he conned his new job into paying him (buying a Hummer, a trip he’s preparing for, new toys/trinkets he’s buying, etc) and how happy he is.

I’m sure he’ll try to make me feel small too, something along the lines of, “Oh I’m sure you’ll get there some day…making money.” Ugh! He has no idea…he’s clueless! He has no idea how my household invests, what’s saved, how I’m not hurting in any way…I have a wonderful career, I volunteer, invest and I give back to the community, but because I don’t flaunt it like him, I must be struggling and hurting. That’s not the case at all. I just don’t feel the need to flaunt anything like him. I WILL NOT live like him and flaunt it…I wasn’t raised that way and I don’t have ANYTHING to prove to anyone. Okay, I apologize for going off (wiping a tear from my cheek.) He’s just hurt me so much! I don’t deserve it…none of us do. Should I expect to hear from him again since I'm not responding to his "hook"?

Anyway, some opinions, feedback or any support from any of you is greatly appreciated.

Yours,
TovaBella

#2 May 5 - 12PM

momoya

IGNORE DELETE IGNORE :)

The narcissist seeks out his old Sources of Narcissistic Supply when he has absolutely no other NS Sources at his disposal. Narcissists frantically try to recycle their old and wasted sources in such a situation. But the narcissist would not do even that had he not felt that he could still successfully extract a modicum of NS from the old source (even to attack the narcissist is to recognise his existence and to attend to him!!!). If you are an old Source of Narcissistic Supply, first, get over the excitement of seeing him again. It may be flattering, perhaps sexually arousing. Try to overcome these feelings. Then, simply ignore him. Don't bother to respond in any way to his offer to get together. If he talks to you – keep quiet, don't answer. If he calls you – listen politely and then say goodbye and hang up. Return his gifts unopened. Indifference is what the narcissist cannot stand. It indicates a lack of attention and interest that constitutes the kernel of negative NS to be avoided. READ MORE HERE http://samvak.tripod.com/faq76.html

momoya

#3 May 5 - 9PM (Reply to #37)

TovaBella

Momoya

Hi Momoya, Thank you for the helpful information. I haven’t responded and I don’t plan too either. I agree one hundred percent about him most likely contacting me because he didn’t/doesn’t have any other NS. I believe he likes the idea of me being on the back burner whenever he needs NS…I won’t allow myself to be used in this manner ANYMORE. I know I’m and old source of NS and little by little I’m slowly losing the excitement of hearing from him or ever seeing him again. This is a huge accomplishment for me since I use to be so consumed by him…I practically dumped all my other friends since I gave him a majority of my time. I can’t believe the person I became after six years of knowing him and all his ugliness. I’m just grateful I learned about these sick people. TovaBella

#4 May 5 - 2PM (Reply to #34)

TovaBella

Wow Momoya!

Boy Momoya, that is SO true. It has happened more than once or twice in the past, but I do know that my ex-N does NOT like to be ignored. It really does make me laugh how, he can be indifferent, but doesn't like the treatment in return. He acts like you've completed murder if you do it to him. So tell me, do you think he'll walk away after I don't respond or do you think he'll attempt again down the road? I can see it going either way, but I've never been in this situation before, so that's why I'm asking :) Thanks again for the great info! TovaBella

#5 May 5 - 2PM (Reply to #35)

momoya

Stonewall

TovaB, Imagine a stone wall , a fortress that you have constructed to protect, insulate and insure that he does not get anything else from you. We don't have to hire a contractor to build this wall, it's just constructed from our will power. Ignoring him is the greatest pay back but it does require consistent work on your part not to give in. Bets are good that he will contact you again just to test the water and see if you bite. That is why you must remain strong and VOW never to again let him have access to your life & that means never acknowleding him again. When he finally sees that you mean business he will leave you alone, but if he at thinks there is a weakness ..he will try and try again to exploit that to gain access. all the best

momoya

#6 May 5 - 3PM (Reply to #36)

Veronrose

Momoya, I just needed to tell

Momoya, I just needed to tell you that I LOVE your posts. You have such great insight. Thank you for sharing!!! xo V

#7 May 5 - 11AM

michele115 (not verified)

Tova

I haven't been one of the fortunate ones to have a "REAL" hoover...gosh I'm so offended...LOL BUT the semblence of a "hoover" The narc in my case is too lazy to even get a hoover right - the end result is always the same...they'll gas you up some for "supply" then drop you. The best way I can describe it is the feeling you have after a wet noodle handshake...uneventful but a lot towards anticipating a climax that just fizzles. Stay the course... Hugs!

#8 May 5 - 2PM (Reply to #32)

TovaBella

Hi Michele115

Hi Michele115, I'm still laughing about your wet noodle handshake, too funny! haha. Good analogy though :). I haven't responded to him and I won't. He just wants to brag to me and make me feel like his life is going SO fabulous. All he'll do is make me feel like crap and I just don't need that...no one does! I so badly just want him to be miserable...he doesn't deserve anything or anyone good in his life. The way he treats people is disgusting and he actually feels like he's above everyone else. Sure, he wouldn't just openly admit that to anyone, but I've heard him say the words. He actually has catagories for women...some are good enough to date (these are the ones that he views more as trophies and makes him feel good to be seen with them out and about) and other women are good enough to just get together with (these are the ones he screws and calls whenever he wants to get off). It is absolutely disgusting. The phrases he uses are horrific too. "She's really fun to go all porno on" or "She's more on my level looks wise and will be good for now...until the sex get's old." I hate the way he thinks some women just aren't good enough for him. A person like this deserves to have everything he holds dear (looks, money and status) taken away from him. Have you ever seen that movie Beastly? This rich kid has everything he considers important taken away from him, utnil he can make someone love him for him. Well, my ex-N couldn't find his way out of a paper bag if you took all that I mentioned above away from him. He has no social skills and is pretty thick upstairs...but women fall for his good looks everytime. Anyway, I'm sorry to go off like that. Thank you for the support...my gosh, without this forum, I'd be lost. TovaBella

#9 May 5 - 10AM

carol24

Tova

I think he is in need of some attention/admiration and is trying to extract some from you. (My ex did this to me many times when he was in-between relationships). Don't reply. If you do he will exploit you. He's not good enough for you and he doesn't deserve a reply. Give him a taste of his own medicine. Ignore him.

#10 May 5 - 1PM (Reply to #30)

TovaBella

HIiCarol24!

Hi Carol24, Nope, I'm not replying to him. He deserves the dose of his own medicine and then some! He needs to taugh a serious lesson. I know me not responding to him, is probably no sweat off his back, but either way, I'm happier not having him in my life. All I ever did with him, is listen to him compare me to others he viewed as attractive, he'd workout and he's watch football...so I'm not missing out on him or his lifestyle. No, thank you! TovaBella

#11 May 5 - 7AM

spinning

Tova, my sweet,

it's a HOOVER. It's CLASSIC NARC. Please don't bite. From the tone of your post I believe you'll stay NC but I just want to give you that little push to make sure you do. When mine hoovered a year and a half ago I didn't know what a hoover was. I made the HUGE MISTAKE of letting him back in after a D & D and long silent treatment. I let myself in for 12 more months of hell and a D & D almost on the exact same date that was the ultimate mindf--k. Tova, you've been working way to hard at healing and being healthy and happy. Those are the qualities that will attract goodness and fun into your life. If you engage with the disordered one, you'll get disorder. Love yourself first, and please hang in there. NC is the only way. Just want to add at the six month mark, really good things are happening to me! Now that I'm happier and free of chaos and pain and torment, people respond differently to me! It's GREAT! Allow this into your own life. Stay away from the disordered one. most sincerely (not) spinning !!!

spinning

#12 May 5 - 1PM (Reply to #28)

TovaBella

Hi Spinning!

Hi Spinning! No, I'm not caving and breaking NC. Still though, thank you for giving me the extra push to keep NC...it always helps :). I'm sorry for the hell you went through with your ex-N a year and a half ago. My gosh are these N's unbelievable! Ugh! I went spend anymore of my precious time with my ex-N. I know his most recent FB email is just a hook to see if I'll bite. I refuse though! I'm not taking anymore crumbs that he throws! I'm better than crumbs. He doesn't deserve to have me in his life. All I've ever been, is loving, caring, supportive and there to listen with a kind and compassionate ear. All he's given me in return, is grief. He compared me to his trashy women that he said, "are hot" or "they have that look that I like." He always made me feel worthless and like a piece of meat to enjoy when he see's fit. NO! I'm a human being and he clearly can't treat me like one...so I'm going to live my life, happy, healthy and surround myself with good people. By the way, thank you for giving me a bit of insight in what things can be like as I continue down the path of NC :) ((Big Hugs)) Thank you again for the support! TovaBella

#13 May 5 - 7AM (Reply to #27)

findingmeagain

Yeah mines D&Ds me in a way

Yeah mines D&Ds me in a way like that too. okay in march he D&D'd me on the 12th. the 12th of april he comes over here crying about suicide and like you i didn't know what hoovering is either. now he D&D'd me in april on the 22nd so i'm wondering on he 22nd is that when he will come over crying and talking crazy. hmmm...

#14 May 5 - 7AM

Hunter

Tovabella

You know the answer! Scrambled Eggs! If you feel strongly about answering, my guess is you'll get silence! They don't care how we feel! After my last narc encounter, I told me the whole story! Nothing here is fabricated, same guy different body! Hunter

#15 May 5 - 1PM (Reply to #24)

TovaBella

No Way, Hunter!

Hunter, are you kidding me! I feel strongly about kicking his ass! That's about it! I don't want to hear what's been going on in his life...all he'll do is make me feel like my life is crap compared to his. He's a total braggert and wants to show off and do a mental dump about the latest girl(s) or woman/women he's screwing! He'll try to impress me some how too. Telling me he's really changed...blah...blah...blah! Total horse sh*t! I'm not stupid and I know he's not capable of changing...for ANYONE! I really hope he get's his ass handed to him in the worst way at some point. It would be awesome to be a silent witness to it too! He deserves absolutely NOTHING! Not one single thing! TovaBella

#16 May 5 - 1PM (Reply to #25)

Hunter

Tova

Excellent! I'm a true believer at the beginning stages of NC, sometimes making contact( as hurtful as it is ),helps identify the true Devil! Good stay away, I'm glad you feel strongly about this! Hunter

#17 May 5 - 7AM

LilithErisRose

Stay Strong

I believe he was testing the waters. It's a "safe" way for him to see if you respond or not and I think he was also trying to stack the cards in his favor that you would respond by soliciting a shared fond memory regarding the inside joke of the picture. There is something he wants that he is not getting right now and that is causing him to go through his little filofax in his brain to figure out where he is going to get it from. Stay strong... you will probably hear from him again. Most likely via e-mail raging why you didn't respond to meet his needs. If you don't, consider yourself lucky. Love Honor & Respect - L.

#18 May 5 - 1PM (Reply to #22)

TovaBella

Hi LilithErisRose

I think you are on to something when you said, "I think he was also trying to stack the cards in his favor that you would respond by soliciting a shared fond memory regarding the inside joke of the picture." He would TOTALLY do this. I think if I responded, he would be killing two birds with one stone. He would receive an abundence of supply since he has so much history with me and also because he wants to vent. He LOVES to mentally dump on me about all the girls he's screwing, his job, new toys he's buying and how good he looks...blah blah blah. He pretty much loves to brag and it is doubly disgusting to hear, because he has such a huge sense of entitlement. It is so disgusting to hear. Thank you for the support...it means a lot to me and your post really helped me stay focused on his true nature. TovaBella

#19 May 5 - 7AM

LuxxDee

He is short on victims..

He is currently short of victims and he needs you to fill that position again or at least occasionally, or his victim's don't give him enough NS so he needs you as an addition, as I said previously one response from you may be enough for him to feed a lot, cause he will create the huge story out of it "you still love him cause he is irresistible, the best etc etc, that is why you took a bite and responded". Ignore it, don't respond.

#20 May 5 - 1PM (Reply to #20)

TovaBella

Hello LuxxDee!

Hi LuxxDee, I think you are right...his other sources of NS were busy or preoccupied doing something else and he thought of me for a brief second. I have no idea what or who his other sources of NS are, but I'm certain he has someone or several someones. He can't go long without a source(s). You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned how any response from me will most likely do, because he'd make a huge story about it in his head. I've witnessed him doing that EXACT thing before! He told me one time about a girl he brought home and how when he sent her home, he gave her a t-shirt to wear...because he messed hers up. Well, he told me it was one of his favorite t-shirts and that she probably wears it every night when she's at home alone! Can you believe that?! He actually thinks he's that wonderful and amazing! Ugh! I'm not responding to him! TovaBella

#21 May 5 - 7AM (Reply to #12)

heritage

Ex N ditched me in Jan and

Ex N ditched me in Jan and hooked up with an ex gf. The old gf ditched him in 2004 after 7 mos. He never liked the fact that she broke up with him. He wanted anal sex from me and I wouldn't do it. He told me he did it with her all the time. I just read they return to old gf's for supply. Do you think he went back for anal?

#22 May 5 - 7AM (Reply to #14)

Used

dentalas

just b/c narc said his exg done anal it doesnt mean its true, it means by telling you when you were with him he hoped you would think oh i had better do it as well otherwise,1 he will leave me,2 he will go back to exgf, i can honestly say i now dont believe any of myexn stories about his sodding sexual prowess and i dont believe a word any of them sayxx why did she ditch him anyway and he can just go back when he wants YEAH RIGHT¬!!!!!

#23 May 5 - 8AM (Reply to #15)

heritage

You know, other people said

You know, other people said he probably didn't also. Some friends told me they thought maybe he had homo tendencies and that is why he wanted me to do anal so badly. Not sure what to think. Men always did look at him. Maybe I'm thinking too much. All he ever wanted was anal. That's it.

#24 May 5 - 8AM (Reply to #16)

Used

dentalas

IT TAKES AN ARSEHOLE TO WANT AN ARSEHOLE, oh they are all same old rubbish, as for the gay thing i believe any thing will do with them, ive always thought as well they are so into anal b/c it/ he will hurt the womanxx

#25 May 5 - 8AM (Reply to #17)

heritage

yes good point. My therapist

yes good point. My therapist told me anal is aggressive, not loving. It's more about him pounding you. And that fits him. No emotion needed to do that!

#26 May 5 - 9AM (Reply to #18)

dabussard

Dentalas and Used

Mine wanted anal all the time. His excuse was that he couldn't climax with normal intercourse and wanted to try something different. I agree with the anal as trying to hurt the woman. Also, I also agree with the concept of pounding you with no emotion needed. Mine used to pound me with normal sex... Hours and hours of it.. All because he could not climax, because he had no sensitivity, because his brain didn't know what senses are. He used to get angry at me for climaxing multiple times.. Heck just his touch had me going. I tried anal with him twice, it hurt me so bad I will never try it again. He had no compassion for my pain.. Just wanted to satisfy himself.

#27 May 5 - 9AM (Reply to #19)

findingmeagain

Wow this comment just rushed

Wow this comment just rushed at me and maybe explains somethings. Mines use to use sex stamina pills and he is in his now late 30s but i suspect using them for quite sometime. Oh and i also found a penis pump when packing his junk . Every male i've talked to about this chuckles and says a man that young shouldn't need those to get it up. i'm wondering if this is the reason my N had to use that stuff. i was also thinking so many different women perhaps was the reason.

#28 May 5 - 7AM (Reply to #13)

findingmeagain

He went back because she took

He went back because she took him back anal had nothing to do with it. she took him back after breaking up with him he wants revenge . trust me he is going to really give her the "treatment" good. if she is smart she will get out , it won't last because with exes they take their masks off quick. in their minds when you dumped them is where they pick right back up at. so he is going to go off on her quick watch! he will be contacting you soon crying and crap. stay NC .

#29 May 5 - 7AM (Reply to #8)

heritage

When N discarded me in Jan

When N discarded me in Jan after 5 years I sent him a few nasty emails really cutting him down so I don't think he would ever come back around to me for supply right? And when he threw my things at me he told me I was the worst thing that ever happened to him and I said you are saying that to me because I figured you out. When they do the d&d it beyond bizarre. To see an entirely different person after spending so many years with another vision is mind blowing!

#30 May 5 - 7AM (Reply to #9)

findingmeagain

Yup I saw the mask come off

Yup I saw the mask come off and on right before my eyes my ex N was literally trying to make a decision to himself right in front of me . I got scared and was going to high tail it out of there . but then he was like don't go and of course i listened. when we left it was like he was still at the decision making phase. i amped it up and told him i'm done this is too crazy for me. i thought saying this would make him "come around" (yeah right a narc come around lol). he left his things at my home because "he was gonna do the right thing for his family" earlier that day. when i went to his job his whole demeanor had changed like he was a totally different person he D&D'd me like i was some wrong order at mcdonald's. he didn't even want me to touch him and mind you we had made "love" (or whatever it was to his narc azz) hours earlier. later on i drove past his apt, and sure enough the married OW's car was parked out front. i was crushed smh...

#31 May 5 - 7AM (Reply to #10)

heritage

I understand about the no

I understand about the no touching. He wouldn't let me near him and said don't touch me. It's bizarre especially after telling me I'm the love of his life, etc. And when I went to a hockey game a week later he walked out with his old gf. I understand and when I drove by his house last week her car was in his driveway. I started crying. It's hard but I say to myslef for them it's a non issue to move on. They feel nothing. They are devoid of all feelings. I will always remember how different he appeared overnight. It really does effect us psychologically.

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