What Are The Chances He'll Come Back?

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#1 Mar 6 - 4PM
MandyM
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What Are The Chances He'll Come Back?

My ex disappeared from my life last fall, with no explanation (and even denying that he had - "we're still friends!"). I haven't heard from him since Christmas. I received two very brief "Happy holidays!" e-mails over the holidays sent to my FB e-mail. Before that, around October, I had e-mailed him (my last outreach to him) to tell him how badly he hurt me by just walking away without a word or explanation, how I hadn't deserved that, and how I would never understand how he'd thought it was acceptable. He never even acknowledged receiving it, let alone addressed it, but when the first holiday e-mail showed up a month or so later, it was clear he hadn't completely cut me off or was going to rip me to shreds for daring to challenge his behavior.

I deleted him from my FB about a month and a half ago. He can still send me a message if he chooses to - that option is still there- but he can't see anything on my page. I haven't heard a word from him.

He's been busy the last few months with the first floozy I was aware of that came after me. My impression is that that's cooled lately and he's gone back sniffing around the one who came BEFORE me, although I could be wrong on both those counts. I do know that the one before me never did take her own measures to cut him off like I did - she's been involved in new relationship of her own, but she and my ex still seem to communicate off and on, especially lately.

How likely is it that he'll turn up back in my life sooner or later? I believe he ultimately left because I stopped letting his treatment of me slide - the never calling, the standing me up for things, that sort of thing - and he didn't like it, and then I confronted him on the manner in which he left. Obviously I was no longer making things easy for him. And then I kicked him off my FB friends list. Would that be a deterrant to him - that if he were to come back around, chances are (in his mind - and he'd be right) I wouldn't just roll over and never mention everything that happened before? Or is it more likely that he'll lay low for awhile, let the dust settle, and then test the waters?

Mar 16 - 11PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Do birds fly???

I was talking to Lisa one day about this very thing awile back. Over the holidays I had my XXX and my XX show up while my X was in jail. The XX was from 2005 and the XXX was from 2003. Give me a break. I made it clear to both of them that I was done. The XXX was a pothead and still screwed up over his old marriage so he was a vast wasteland and the XX was very sweet and loving; yet when the relationship ended he trashed me to others something awful, I suspected that he has Aspergers. Then on Valentine's Day the X only 2 weeks out of jail contacted me to f with me somemore. My old boyfriend from childhood still contacted my father every year for years hoping to reconnect. Give me a break, I am so sick of these freaks. So yes, they do come back. They are ego maniac's and consider you to be their property. Once you sleep with a PD they feel you are bonded for life. When and why they come back all boils down to supply. Are they able to attract new supply and how much. A hot NP with money is likely to take their sweet time about when and how they contact you. A PD with major abandonment issues will be back if he becomes obsessed with you and feels like he is being deserted, they go into an infantile state and feel like they will die without you and need your validation to feel right for like 5 minutes until you take the bait and they feel o.k. again, until the next time. They are the worst to shake. A not so desirable NP will be back in like 5 minutes. The only time you may not hear back from a narc is if he has plenty of supply and he deems you a lost cause, which is a complement actually, he feels there is nothing left in you take or gain. This is a tribute to your sanity and health. When they don't come back, you have unmasked them too much and they see no point. The Antisocial will come back just to f with you and they are the worst in my opinion cuz they want blood and it won't be pretty. They don't forgive or forget that YOU were the one who broke up with them. They are the ones to avoid at all cost. They enjoy taking you down it feeds their disorder. If you break up with a Antisocial/Sociopath/Psychopath, let sleeping dogs lie. NC/NC/NC. You need to be on guard to the fact that they very well may come back when new supply dries up. This is why it is recommended to change emails, phones, ect... so that they cannot unexpectedly if you are afraid of them; if you are not, they still can catch you on a vulnerable day. They love to come back when you are vulnerable. They hoover around if you are: sick, you lost a loved one, holidays, anything sentimental which may lure you in. They are like vultures ready to strike when you are down. My X showed up when I needed money which he owed me from having stole thousands from me and I took the bait, so be careful of the sentimental journey. They will use that against you and you never even know what hit you if you are not looking for it when it comes. I know now to keep my guard up during any of those times, cuz they have radar and seem to sense when you are at your lowest moments. Hang in there, you are doing great with your NC, just keep cautious. Goldie
Mar 16 - 10PM
lisalisa47
lisalisa47's picture

Mandy, I just had to comment...

My narc went to jail for ripping off my parents - something i didn't know at the time until the cops showed up and handcuffed us. I was aware, however, of his "thinly veiled" liasions with other women (guess that is where my head was at the time) anyway, he got out of jail and contacted me thru our dog's facebook (yep, he has a page which i thought i changed so it couldn't be infiltrated by HIM). I could have sold his truck while he was locked up but i didn;t want him to be competely homeless (lol!), but THAT is what he bitched at me about when he got through to me. I LET HIS TRUCK'S TIRES get demolished, Did i KNOW what the brakes looked like? yadayadayada...His emails were peppered with "i really miss you guys (me and the dog) and with pleas to "please send him the police report when he was arrested because they have NO copy of it" I bring these up because these were thinly veiled attempts to "keep me in by subtley threatening me and trying to elicit pity from me". I finally blocked him completely but the point is YES, they DO come back to all of those they've succeeded (in their minds anyway) in making their own - forever. Also, case in point - My ex narc NEVER let go of his first ex wife (a sweet, older, clueless woman he never had a harsh word for), his ex girlfriend and mother of the child they had taken away - in fact, i rather liked her and let her live with us...DUH! And he even kept tabs on the poor woman (who is a good friend of mine now) before me - a woman he lied to and beat up. A woman whose children he mentally tortured and whose dog he kicked routinely. The way he kept tabs on her was to repeatedly send her accusatory emails, alternated with i miss you's - all this while we were together. Just a funny side note though: Out of curiostiy i looked him up on Plenty of Fish under his old nickname. He says he" doesn't do drugs, or smoke, or lie or cheat. He says he's "looking for a woman to share an intimate relationhip with" and that his longest relationship was 10 years (or maybe he actually meant the time he spent behind bars?) anyway - they dont' CARE about the damage they've done, and it's because they CAN'T. They can only imiatate the emotions of normal people until they hook a new victim for their supply....Hang in there Mandy, it's rough, but it does get better - i SWEAR!

LML

Mar 16 - 5PM
strongerthanever
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My exN contacted an old flame

My exN contacted an old flame ("friend") after 8 yrs of silence. Another after 3-4 yrs of silence, both while with me and acting like THEY searched him out when it was the other way around. While dating his childbride, he contacted another after 2 yrs of silence. he came back to me after our first breakup and we were broken up for 3 months. I was not buying his bullshit and he showed up and proposed. Still didn't buy it. I finally cave in 2 months later and paid for it dearly because 1.5 months later, he breaks up with me via email and already had other women lined up. IN fact, when doing his hoovering and proposal, he had other women lined up from eHarmony. And while he was dating his childbride, he and I were matched on eHarmony 5 months after our breakup. I saw a psychic this weekend, a very good one. She nailed everything and told me he has sociopath tendencies. Also, that he likes to keep doors open with all the women he has dated. he likes to keep going back to make sure they still are intersted, married or not. She saw him coming back 2 times to me. I had another psychic tell me last July after I caught him driving by (4 months after his quicky marriage) and she told me that he will come back eventually. He always goes back to what is familiar. Whether that is me or someone else. It was explained that he goes through cycles. Also the recent psychic told me that when his new wife starts questioning, she is living in denial right now, and putting pressure on him, he will move on. Sound like a Narc? Also that he has the mirrors so close to his face that he can't see reality and he is a great manipulator. And high-five to me for not being weak or needy to be manipulated. Even when I was with him, he didn't get away with shit. That is why he had to go and find someone else that would be in denial, not question, or doubt what he says. I've only had one old boyfriend that did cheat on me come back. Every other men did not. The N has been the only one to drive by and keep tabs on me. He'll be back eventually. The script I play in my head, if he shows up at the door, tell him to hold on and I call the cops. He carries a gun and not taking any chances. Then I will place a restraining order or no contact order on him. If he calls, going to hang up or not return the call. If he emails using a different alias, I will block him and not reply. The women he contacted after 8 yrs of silence, she and i are good friends now. She already has said she will not respond to him. She knows what he wants and is about and how much he hurt me and her in the past. Her nickname for him is "Scum". Don't be one of those girls that takes breadcrumbs from these a-holes.
Mar 16 - 9PM (Reply to #40)
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Strongerthanever

What I don't understand about N's is how they can be so damn persistent! I mean, 2 YEARS? 4 YEARS? In some cases, 20+ years! We don't live forever! Life is too short to waste it, perpetuating these crimes of the psyche and soul. Or so I think! It's just such a long time to spend spinning a wild web, isn't it? So much effort! Work! I can't conceive of spending that long on anything, unless I'm 100% passionate about it. Such as obtaining a degree, building a home, or what have you. It's no wonder they feel drained without supply. I can't imagine what it must take to keep up a front for that long, and then to come back to do it again!
Mar 16 - 10PM (Reply to #41)
strongerthanever
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Exactly. From what I also

Exactly. From what I also remember from stories he told of his ex's, he ALWAYS went back. One girl who was much younger than him (like the childbride) he met in college when he went back to get a teaching degree...since the degree he did get and took him 5-6 yrs to obtain, ended up making him depressed. He contacted her months later and acted like nothing happened. He invited her to a sports event and she said, let me think about it, and never called him. She even saw the pattern of keeping contact with the ex's because she said, and he told me this, "I will never be a [insert 5 yr GF name here] or a [insert 1 yr GF who he got pregnant but she miscarried name here]" So that told me right there that she had a problem with it. The psychic did tell me on Sat that in his mid 50's, 10 yrs from now, he will lose his looks and will not be able to charm or manipulate the women he is attracted to. Women are not going to fall for it and he will be alone. So, I guess I will have to wait 10+ yrs for Karma to really come knocking on the door. She said that he will not see or be aware of the damage he has done until he can't manipulate women anymore. He isn't going to be appealing anymore. And by that time, I will be married for 10 yrs to a wonderful man. Karma, I love you!
Mar 16 - 3PM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

This is all so very

This is all so very familiar. "We're still great and we're still good" he said, while taking the approach that if I tried to have anything much to do with him, I would be branded a bunny boiler. And then he went off with his new bit of stuff. And that went wrong, and then he came sniffing around me. And then went back to sniffing around his ex. Back to me. Back to his ex. Back to others elsewhere no doubt, always looking for supply. They really are pathetic. So, yes. He WILL be back.
Mar 16 - 9PM (Reply to #37)
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

PrettyPeeved

I guess the best thing to do, is to build ourselves up, so when they do come back for blood, we can swat them! Luckily, my N isn't putting up much of a fight. But if he does try to put his feelers out there again, I want to be ready!
Mar 17 - 3PM (Reply to #38)
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

Yeah, have to be ready to

Yeah, have to be ready to fight them off.
Mar 16 - 1PM
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Mandy

Well, I'm not sure of the chances of your ex returning for more, because its like their situation/supply changes on a daily basis, but I will tell you this. They will always keep you in the back of their minds, as a supply option. And if you made it clear that he was an asshole and you want nothing to do with his behavior...OMG that's the WORST thing you can do to them. They will then Hate you forever. Case in point, someone I used to hang with called me a while back and informed me that she saw his (my ExN's) facebook site and said that he had posted old pics of us withour friends, back in the day, etc. Under everyone elses image, he listed them by their name. Under mine, he typed the word "Evil" in all caps. Ain't THAT some shit to ponder, because we broke up 10+ years ago. Since then we have both married other people, had kids, etc. I've moved on, but it became obvious to me that HE didn't and anyone else who knew us back them would probably see it that way. So, in a way, it was kind of empowering to know that he is making a fool of himself for obsessing over an old flame still.....and at the same time it worries me. Its NOT normal. That's why if and when he ever decides to try to contact me, its gonna be fruitless for him because I probably won't even answer (further enflaming his huge ego, I bet). After reading this thread, it sounds like a total possiblility that he might. Tell you what though, if he ever finds out where I live and comes to harrass me or weasel his way back in because he has nowhere else to go....He's going to have a nice little encounter with the local cops because I just don't play around.
Mar 16 - 12PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I think the better question is

"More than likely he will come back and make a hoover attempt...what's my plan?"
Mar 16 - 2PM (Reply to #34)
TLSM
TLSM's picture

YES Michele115 HAVE A PLAN

Michele115 is absolutely correct. Have a plan and play it out in your mind. But remember, these are calculating, cunning and sneaky guys and I can't stress this enough... ALWAYS BE ONE STEP AHEAD OF THEM!!! My ex N keeps coming back and with each time a more brilliant plan and offer...And with each time, he discards me worse than the time before. And when they offer you something wonderful and unbelievable, whether it's promises or marriage or whatever, it's to catch you off guard and confuse you and to WEAKEN YOU. The best thing is to ignore them. And I mean CONTINUE to ignore them EVEN after 10 or more attempts!!! Because they start getting desperate. They will say anything they know you want to hear and it's all lies. And I KNOW it's so tempting to see how far they go...And that is when you know they got you. And As soon as they do... "BUH-BYE BORING PREY! ON TO THE NEXT!"
Mar 8 - 5PM
cluelessuntilnow
cluelessuntilnow's picture

100% chance

Maybe I am a pessimist or a realist, but mine was gone for 15 years, and should have every disincentive in the world (no seriously HUGE disincentives) NOT to come back and he did. NOT ONE WORD for 15 years and in one morning he was back and it has been 2 years and no sign of him leaving again.
Mar 16 - 3PM (Reply to #29)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

clueless

So what you are saying is that for instance, in my case...its not implausible that my ExN could try to hoover me back, 10+ years later, after we both married someone else, had kids respectively, and after I completely ditched him cold to move to another state 1,000 miles away, no forwarding info and after resisting numerous attempts for him to get into contact with me via mutual friends.....and later after I indirectly let him know via a friend's FB that I still knew he was a loser and that he was wasting his time with all of the badmouthing me and blaming me on FB? After all that, he could STILL think that he could get me back again if he needed too? He would be THAT delusional? How would he even propose that scenario in his little mind, I wonder? it boggles my mind! Normal people can't make this shit up for interesting fiction, I tell ya!
Mar 16 - 9PM (Reply to #30)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Clueless is a good friend of

Clueless is a good friend of mine. We met on here. She doesnt get on here much anymore but we bonded immediately in that the Narcs came back after 15 freakin years. Now in my case I found him on fb and was curious as to what became of him. I had no idea that he would still be single or that he would have any romantic interest what so ever but it didnt take long and he didnt care that I was married. He pretended to but he didnt. He made numerous references to me being his and him having loved me first. Once you have been in an intimate realationship with them they consider you property. Their take is that they have merely loaned you to your spouse. I am not kidding that is how their minds work. In clueless' case she had a child with him 17 years ago and he refused to acknowledge the child in anyway and relinquished parental rights. He went on to marry and have a family and she never heard a peep from him in 15 years. Never an inquiry nothing and then one day she got an email... So yeah they think it is their right to show back up in your life and turn upside down. Married, single, widowed, divorced they do not care. If you are possible supply then they consider you their property. You have only been leased out to everyone else.
Mar 16 - 10PM (Reply to #31)
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Sick of It

Yes! And if you were already married when you met them, they still won't care! They'll still push, and push, and pull, and wait, and wait! Wait for that tiny fight, or look for that little vulnerable spot. Oh, but once they've had their fill of you, they can say,"B-B-BUT... YOU'RE MARRIED!" (Which was his plan, all along, anyhow.) And *poof.* Gone. Mission accomplished, ego boosted! ...cerebral monsters.
Mar 16 - 10PM (Reply to #32)
strongerthanever
strongerthanever's picture

yep. he likes married women.

yep. he likes married women. he likes the flirting, the sexual tension and bringing the woman right up to the edge and then walk away. he did that to the one i found out about during the 1st yr together. He's done it a few times and puts on the charm. This married teacher was not happy in her marriage. they got physical 3 days after our breakup...and I still took him back. Geez. He can try but, I have the knowledge now on who he truly is. I am stronger than I ever was before him. I have read for a yr now on BPD, Narcissism, Sociopaths, depression and emotional infidelity to know he is all of it. For the longest his family convinced me it was his "major depression" causing him not being able to connect to anyone. I think he knew that and married this poor naive girl. All a farce to convince himself and his family he can commit and the problem was with me and my son. Whatever! My eyes are wide-open!
Mar 8 - 4PM
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

I've been NC for 14 months

I've been NC for 14 months now. I think narcs will always TRY to come back when his supply runs low.
Mar 7 - 3PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

I hope for your sake he never

I hope for your sake he never comes back. It is very hard to resist them and when he returns the trauma bond will get deeper. Trust me here I am 15 years later and honestly it seems way wose this time.
Mar 8 - 11AM (Reply to #25)
Bitter-sweet
Bitter-sweet's picture

Years can go by...

Hi, I am new to posting though I have been reading the board for some time. Seeing what others have been through and realising that I am not alone has saved me and inspired me to move forward. My N returned after 25 years saying that he had never forgotten me, that he had always loved me...eventually I fell for it. It's best to hope that they never come back for if the N returns after a week or 25 years, the devastation and deceit will be just the same.
Mar 8 - 5PM (Reply to #26)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

They really do all have the

They really do all have the same play book. Its so bizarre. I have an email that was a response to me saying hey remember me? his response "I could never forget you" It seemed a bit cheesy at the time but it also made me feel good. He is nothing but a souless predator and I curse the day I laid eyes on him again. Hopefully I will never see that mofo again!
Mar 7 - 1PM
strongerthanever
strongerthanever's picture

I used to wonder this too. Oh

I used to wonder this too. Oh I would really enjoy giving him a piece of my mind but, I know it would mean nothing to him. I wanted him to crawl back to say how wrong he was but, I have to remember all the times he lied and deceived me...knowingly! That is evil. I caught him driving by my house one day when his wife was not with him last year. I know it was not the first time either. He used to do it all the time after our first breakup. He knew about my mom moving in for a short time before I even told his sister. He knew of the landscaping I had done, because he drove by. I NEVER drove by his place and still have never. So, I know whenever he can and his wife is not with him, he'll drive by. Will he have the balls to call, email, or show up at my door, like he's done in the past, probably not because I will let his wife know. The only way he would is if his marriage was completely over and that supply was dead. Then he would risk it. If he called, I would hang up. If he emailed me, it is blocked anyway but if a new email came in, I would delete it. If he showed up at my door, I would slam it. Whatever he would say to me, will be all LIES! Why subject myself to more abuse? He is the most dishonest person I have ever encountered in my life! Why would I give him the time of day to "explain" anything to me? He even contacted an ex while with me and lied about it. He disappeared from her life for 8 yrs and was talking about the good times they used to have. He was seeing if she was happily married still. This is evil! He does this all the time. It is his pattern and so part of his fiber, he will never change! Your exN, will never change! It is like expecting Charlie Manson or Ted Bundy to see the wrong of their ways and change. Are you kidding me?
Mar 7 - 1PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

What chance?

Only the chances you give him. Why would you? Why even entertain such a question? Do you want him back? Or are you moving on into your own life & your own agenda . . . a space where what N does is entirely irrelevant because whatever he does or wants is of no consequence to you. A guy drops you. Does not answer your questions. Has the nerve to resurface with Holiday Greetings (he sends out mass mailings) . . disappears again . . . & you wonder what chances are he'll come back? How much more do you want to be used & then tossed away like a dirty hankerchief?
Mar 7 - 5AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

The first thing my therapist

The first thing my therapist said was, Oh, they always come back! Awesome, my N sent me anE mailat New Years! I clicked and deleted, I haven't spoken with him since Sept! Now he's posting OldPhotos of himself on FB! In not biting, I have had enough! Moving Forward, Idealk
Mar 7 - 6AM (Reply to #21)
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Ideal

*hangs head* I spent New Years talking w/mine. Ugh. At least by New Year's you already had... a leg up! Okay, okay. :o)
Mar 7 - 6AM (Reply to #18)
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Yes!

Take a BITE outta Narc! Okay, don't mind me.
Mar 7 - 6AM (Reply to #19)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Bite!

Oh..... I would love too! Grrrrr!
Mar 7 - 6AM (Reply to #20)
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Hahaha!

*snort* Coffee's got me giddy!
Mar 6 - 8PM
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Mandy

I blocked mine, and then added him, and then re-blocked him, at least 3 times on FB. I blocked him a 4th, and final time, and have managed to keep it that way. I couldn't even search to find him on FB if I wanted to. (*and I did try!) I'm grateful for the self-imposed NC. He doesn't get to observe my life, without being IN it, anymore. Ultimately, I don't know what the right answer is. It's a bit like Pavlov's dogs. We've been conditioned to respond to them. We always seem to respond to their "good" behavior, even though it's ALWAYS shortly followed-up by "bad," or more of the same, behavior. Hope is a powerful drug. I've been holding onto it, in vain, too. I guess I want to be wrong. In short, yes. He'll be back. Consider yourself the 3rd wheel. His Plan C, when he's exhausted every other option. When he's successfully pushed everyone else away, and feeling sorry for himself, he'll be back for you. Rinse, wash, repeat. Do you really want somebody's old, chewed up, dirty seconds, or thirds? Do you really want to speak to someone who views YOU that way?
Mar 7 - 4AM (Reply to #13)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Mandy and IB

Mandy said, "He doesn't get to observe my life, without being IN it, anymore... In short, yes. He'll be back. Consider yourself the 3rd wheel. His Plan C, when he's exhausted every other option." I second that 100%. That's exactly what mine wants - be keep tabs on me without actually being a PART of my life. I've accepted this will never make sense to me. Mine makes an appearance every few weeks, and each time (when I don't respond) I think that's the last time.
Mar 7 - 9AM (Reply to #14)
MandyM
MandyM's picture

That was my exact wording

That was my exact wording when I told someone I'd finally deleted him from my FB: "He's been getting to sit back and watch my life and decide to come and go from it on a whim, on HIS terms, while I'm not allowed to be part of his life or even talk to him. He no longer gets to watch my life. He has no right." It felt good to draw that line. It's been a couple months now. Part of me can see him being totally pissed off that I deleted him and holding a massive grudge that I dared to do that, along the lines of, "Fine - that's how you want it? You're dead to me." But I don't know for sure. I don't know what to expect, and I hate that.