What Are The Chances He'll Come Back?

44 posts / 0 new
Last post
Mar 7 - 11AM (Reply to #15)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Mandy

None of us can predict or control any one else's behavior (obviously, lol!) so it strikes me this really isn't the problem. Do you still WANT him to contact you? I did for such a long time, even though I'm not sure I was fully aware of it. I wanted him to get in touch because it was validation that he cared (or seemed like it) but I didn't want him to get in touch because I was afraid I'd get sucked back in. I'm guessing that's what's going on here. Am I close?
Mar 7 - 5PM (Reply to #16)
MandyM
MandyM's picture

Not really . . . it's more a

Not really . . . it's more a matter of finally having stability and peace in my life with him gone, and knowing that at this point in my recovery, just the mere mention of his name, or the sight of it in my in-box, or the sight of his number in my caller ID, would send me into anxiety again even if I weren't to accept his reaching out. Of course I still miss him, and I still feel compelled to know what's going on with him, but I also know it's best that he stays out of my life. I've worked so hard just to get to this point of calmness that it pisses me off thinking about how he just waltzed in and out at will before disappearing entirely, because every time I started finding my equilibrium between appearances, he'd shatter it just by showing up out of the blue. I know that no matter how nice he might be initially if he were to come back, things would still degenerate to what they ultimately were, and I don't want that, no matter how much my heart might dream of some sort of fairy-tale ending. But there's still enough of the irrational dream there that I would be affected just by his showing up. I feel like I need to be prepared . . . but it would be better if I didn't need to be because he'd just stay away for good.
Mar 6 - 6PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Before I answer that...

What are the chances you'd let him?
Mar 6 - 6PM (Reply to #9)
MandyM
MandyM's picture

See my response to Veronrose

See my response to Veronrose below. :-)
Mar 6 - 6PM (Reply to #11)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Mandy

It's clear that YOU realize this guy is bad news bears...and yes, being human when we feel for someone we can't just turn off the switch... THAT would make us more like narcs... BUT in valuing ourselves, in loving ourselves...which obviously sitting through some of the abuse longer than we should have does indicate work is needed in this area... There are pro-active approaches we can take to minimize the fallout from a hoover. Albeit...it seems like you are new to this and it takes a while to really really grasp this...this is not a "normal" break up and shoot...even normal ones hurt...BUT this was laced with lots of other mind effin elements that kinda knock us off kilter. SO...if he does contact you...what do you really think engaging will do for you... AND if he never does...how will that affect you? Essentially - these types of relationships are based on control and sometimes we get caught up in the sickness too...in the sickness of "revenge" or "showing them" or "winning them back" or somehow thinking we can do that "last thing" we need to do to overcome... Not with these cats...they win every time hands down... The only thing to do is starve them...it becomes an impasse... They may hoover for life...some ladies are victims 15 years later...you can't control what he's gonna do and we can't predict it... What we can do is have a plan...what we can do is make a decision...and what we can do is have certain protections, reinforcements and responses in place for the possibility... BUT the reality has to be accepted first...and the second guessing needs to be shredded and that is where the challenges are in the beginning aside from just being emotionally raw and depleted.
Mar 6 - 6PM (Reply to #10)
M
M's picture

I think they want to

I think they want to try---and keep that outlet open. I have a child with the xhN, so I can never go full NC--but i keep it to emails on custody logistics. He is so MAD that I will not answer his calls, text him or acknowledge him in public. I think part of it is he wants to keep a "lifeline" to get back in my life. I am done.
Mar 6 - 5PM
Veronrose
Veronrose's picture

Awww, Mandy, I could be

Awww, Mandy, I could be wrong, but it sounds like you WANT him to contact you, just like I want mine to! I don't know your story, but when I read what you write, I think we have the whole "friend" thing in common. Mine turned into a "friends with benefits" at one point though. It's just really "all about him". Sucks. Veronrose
Mar 6 - 6PM (Reply to #7)
MandyM
MandyM's picture

Do I want him to contact me?

Do I want him to contact me? Yes and no. Yes because I'm still in the "missing him" stage, no because I know it's best for me if he never does, and I'm finally feeling like my old self again. I'm still getting there, and I don't want any surprises where he's concerned if there's anything I can do about it. He bounced in and out of my life so much that I was constantly anxious and on edge, wondering if he was back to stay or, when he left again, if he finally gone. I could never let my guard down emotionally. Even the holiday e-mails - I was right back where I'd started every time I saw his name in my in-box. It's chaos when he's in my life - I know this. I'm also not yet feeling strong enough to turn him away if he were to appear. Someday I will be, I know . . . but in the meantime, I'm trying to get over him once and for all and prepare for potential unexpected appearances in the meantime.
Mar 6 - 5PM
PumpKyn80
PumpKyn80's picture

Its hard to tell because that

Its hard to tell because that varies from Narc to Narc. Some of them test the waters and some just move on to others after a couple of attempts of contact and you never hear from them again. I think it partly depends on if he has other supply or not. Mine has not contacted me in 8 months (after I ignored his calls twice and blocked him on FB) I figured the chances are low for him to contact me again because I did ignore and block him, he probably just moved on to someone else. For the most part, I think if you just keep ignoring him he may just go away for good..but it could go either way.
Mar 16 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

Mine totally abandons people

I think he has a long history of abandoning his girlfriends without looking back, including the mother(s) of his children. He is only on good terms with one ex - the one who actually married and got a nice family - they share a daughter and they have a weird relationship. it took him 5 years to tell me that when his teen age daughter would come visit him, she would arrive with her mother, the new husband and half brother! He would have ALL of them stay with him at his house. So all the years he traveled to see her for weekends (telling me he stayed in motels), he was staying at this lady's house! I think because she married someone, she was no longer a threat to him and he felt off the hook. he is buddies with the her husband! He prefers the company of males... Plus he could enjoy family life without any real responsiblity. I do not think he will ever return to me as long as he feels that I am single and he is accountable for devastating me. Plus he moved to another city and has a new GF who is younger, flashier (not pretty though...very hooterish). He is tall and attracts women like crazy, so will never run out of supply. From what I have learned, they will always take the easier path, so why would he ever want to face up to destroying a best friend and 10 year relationship when there is abundant flesh blood there? I think I would only hear from him if he became very ill but even then I think he would turn to family. He stopped all texting to me on New Years and I am the one who is having trouble with no contact - not him
Mar 16 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

BINGO!

I FULLY agree with what you said, in particular, this part: "I think because she married someone, she was no longer a threat to him and he felt off the hook. he is buddies with the her husband! He prefers the company of males... Plus he could enjoy family life without any real responsiblity. I do not think he will ever return to me as long as he feels that I am single and he is accountable for devastating me." They try SO hard to destroy something beautiful between two people... and then leave YOU with the mess, guilt, and shame. Because they can just walk away, after receiving the ego boost of YOU finally choosing HIM, over YOUR OWN best interests. Utterly nauseating... and to FALL for the game... wow. Ugh.
Mar 16 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

Slow learner I am, Ms Incognito Burrito

Yah. i was so over confident of his love that I let him run every game in the book on me. I never felt the vibes of other women in his house, probably cause he did his business at the bars and their houses! This is a bit off the subject of "will he come back", but one of his most bizarre behaviors was when he finally told me that his daughter's whole family stayed with him. He was SO angry and defensive and freaked out when he told me - I was in love back then and said"I am not judging you, there are many ways to co-parent" - he calmed down but I guess he was revealing part of his secret life to me finally after a ton of years and he was so tight and nasty...not sure if it was shame...his other personality was very quiet, sweet and calm... gosh I was with a nutty person who is not about to come back anytime soon!!! The infantile aspect of this disorder is pretty mind blowing. For the those who return its like, "hi, I am back mom. Hope you forgot that I was a bad boy and ran away"...
Mar 16 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

No, you're not a slow learner! They're smooth.

"Yah. i was so over confident of his love that I let him run every game in the book on me." Me, too. I wasn't buying into it, and barely noticed him, or paid him any attention whatsoever for long time! He was so persistent! He really had me believing the things he'd say. He made it seem real. Of course, he didn't even know what the hell he wanted, from second to second. But I didn't see that side until the end. They are nuts! "The infantile aspect of this disorder is pretty mind blowing. For the those who return its like, "hi, I am back mom. Hope you forgot that I was a bad boy and ran away"." Yes! With a straight face! It's as if they're telling you,"Hey, it's Wednesday." Just as matter-of-factly as that. As flatly as a news anchor. It's as if they're saying, without saying it,"Are YOU in a better mood now?" Oh, and if you do bother to go into explanations, it goes nowhere! They just use circular logic, or various other diversions.