A Year Later - Will I ever be "normal"?
A Year Later - Will I ever be "normal"?
It’s been 15 months since the last D&D. I had been through this 4 or 5 times and decided this was the end. There were attempts at hovering, I did not respond, and he has pretty much left me alone. I know he’s a fake and that I deserve much better.
Because we live so close, it has taken a lot of effort to avoid him. I check the parking lot for his vehicle every time I go to a store. I shop mostly out of the area just so I can enjoy the time away and not worry about running into him. I’m constantly scanning the streets while I’m walking my dog. I’m looking for footprints outside my house because he used to stop by all the time.
And I’m SICK OF IT!!! I’m SICK of living in a state of avoidance and hypervigilence. I’m sick of taking him into consideration and being ever-present in my mind. He DOES NOT deserve that place!!! And I’m SICK of it destroying other aspects of my life!!!
My business has suffered. My friendships have suffered. If someone’s nice to me, I think they’re weak and they make me want to puke. I find problems with everyone else. I’ve redrawn my personal circle/boundaries much further out than they used to be. And I feel ALONE. No one will be able to meet the standards I have in place now. And that is no way to live, is it? How am I going to find a reasonable way to function again? And how long can it possibly take? It feels like it’s been forever and I’m SICK OF IT!!!!
I’m tired of giving myself a break because I’ve been injured and mistreated. I just want it to be better and normal and feel like myself again. I’m taking better care of myself physically than I ever have. And my house is clean, more beautiful, and more organized than it has been in years. I’m taking care of the “outside” stuff. How do I get my “insides” back in order???
Really
Your words ring so true. I
narcissizednomore
Thank You
A Year Later - Will I ever
oh do I remember that happy
Working inside
blueeyes
Really
You will get past this at
sick of it
you will get better
Anne_