A Year Later - Will I ever be "normal"?

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#1 Jan 17 - 8AM

really

A Year Later - Will I ever be "normal"?

It’s been 15 months since the last D&D. I had been through this 4 or 5 times and decided this was the end. There were attempts at hovering, I did not respond, and he has pretty much left me alone. I know he’s a fake and that I deserve much better.

Because we live so close, it has taken a lot of effort to avoid him. I check the parking lot for his vehicle every time I go to a store. I shop mostly out of the area just so I can enjoy the time away and not worry about running into him. I’m constantly scanning the streets while I’m walking my dog. I’m looking for footprints outside my house because he used to stop by all the time.

And I’m SICK OF IT!!! I’m SICK of living in a state of avoidance and hypervigilence. I’m sick of taking him into consideration and being ever-present in my mind. He DOES NOT deserve that place!!! And I’m SICK of it destroying other aspects of my life!!!

My business has suffered. My friendships have suffered. If someone’s nice to me, I think they’re weak and they make me want to puke. I find problems with everyone else. I’ve redrawn my personal circle/boundaries much further out than they used to be. And I feel ALONE. No one will be able to meet the standards I have in place now. And that is no way to live, is it? How am I going to find a reasonable way to function again? And how long can it possibly take? It feels like it’s been forever and I’m SICK OF IT!!!!

I’m tired of giving myself a break because I’ve been injured and mistreated. I just want it to be better and normal and feel like myself again. I’m taking better care of myself physically than I ever have. And my house is clean, more beautiful, and more organized than it has been in years. I’m taking care of the “outside” stuff. How do I get my “insides” back in order???

#2 Jan 18 - 5AM

Scotchy71

Really

How do you get your insides back in order??? By realising you ARE "normal"...he isn't and never will be, not your problem anymore. Know your worth and love YOU.....it never went away, was just on the back burner for a while because all your time was focussed on an immature, infantile parasite - that's all... Try to see the small wonders in day to day life and less time trying to figure "him" out, you never will, it's pointless. Can't make sense of a senseless being...the devil wore a mask but was still the devil. You will meet someone who has the same standards you have, never drop them or compromise your boundaries for someone..if you do, you lose you..and a true relationship involves 2 people's feelings/thoughts, not just one....you can't say the wrong thing to someone who is genuinely interested in you and who cares about you...x

#3 Jan 17 - 7PM

narcissizednomore

Your words ring so true. I

Your words ring so true. I am also sick of the avoidance factor. I avoid shopping on his days off, I avoid social events when I know he will be there. Bit by bit, I am feeling indifference and I think you will too. The day will come when I do run into him and I hope I feel absolutely nothing---not even pity for him. This worries me too. Have I too, turned into an empty shell of person just like him? Fill your life with new things, people, activities, and slowly as someone posted here recently, he will become smaller and smaller in your mind to the point where there is no more room for thoughts of him. You will do it!

narcissizednomore

#4 Jan 17 - 5PM

really

Thank You

You lovely ladies have helped me through a very frustrating day. You are an inspiration and there's no reason I can't do this. Second-guessing myself is not really my thing and I hate that I let that go. It's coming back now! I look forward to all of this being a distant memory!!! hugs, really

#5 Jan 17 - 1PM

Briseis

A Year Later - Will I ever

A Year Later - Will I ever be "normal"? My first instinct was to say to this "Gawd I hope not :D !!" Getting this sick and tired of something is actually a very good thing, in the great scheme of things. There are some big changes on the brink of occurring within you, as Blueeyes says. It's always like this right before you bust through to another level of healing. It's like you are being forced through a wall, squeezed and squished into it until you burst through it. It's always this way when we break into a new level of healing. I am going to have a word with God or Who/Whatever after I die and ask why it needs to be so damn dark before the dawn. Sigh, well, that sounds stupid now :D Talk about answering my own question. You are building momentum, not going backwards. You are just in the grip of a big change that is coming, is probably happening in the basement and will start showing on the surface. What you will have, eventually, is indifference. You won't give a shit (or very much of one) if his car is at the grocery store. You'll forget to look for footprints in the snow. You won't give much of a damn. If you run into him, you'll either ignore him or exchange a couple of meaningless words, shiver, and move on. That's what you can hope for. Not giving a single crap. Let's all pray he becomes a mild annoyance, OK? Not a jaw grinding pain in the ass :)

#6 Jan 17 - 6PM (Reply to #9)

gettinbetter

oh do I remember that happy

oh do I remember that happy day for me round one. I had met my husband we got engaged and married the same year and I remember Narc boy was suprised to hear that I was getting married and three weeks before my wedding he called to "wish me well" and wondered if we could have dinner. I remember distinctly that I had no urge or feeling to go. I felt nothing for him at that moment and it was the last time I ever spoke to him. It was a happy day for me.

#7 Jan 17 - 10AM

blueeyes

Working inside

To do work on the inside of YOU is the hardest part. The cleaning, moving and straightening up the mess that you can see physically is easy and LIBERATING. I just LOVED throwing his belongings out:) I felt so free. The inside work is reprogramming your brain and developing into who YOU are. This is very tough. When you say to yourself: "I’m SICK of living in a state of avoidance and hypervigilence. I’m sick of taking him into consideration and being ever-present in my mind. He DOES NOT deserve that place!!! And I’m SICK of it destroying other aspects of my life!!!" Your right, you don't deserve to waste YOURSELF on him for one more minute. How i stopped him from holding me back was inside of me. I just decided, this is it, I am done on EVERY level. I don't care anymore about him, or what he is doing. I care about myself and my kids. It sorta just magically happend. I did not want him or anything to do with him. I chose ME. It was a choice and it came all by itself. Well, not really, I had A LOT of help from all of YOU HERE. I hope this helps :(

#8 Jan 17 - 1PM (Reply to #6)

really

blueeyes

Thank you SOOOOOO much. I agree with you completely that it is a choice. I need to be completely COMMITTED to that choice. I applaud and respect so much what you've been able to do. As I mentioned to SOI below, I don't post here that often, but I do know your story. You are a brave and wonderful person! I'm struggling with the residual behaviors left behind, how I compromised myself in order to be what I thought he wanted. It's all bullshi*. Lesson learned. Some of it has become so rote, though, that I only catch myself afterward. Gotta say, "ENOUGH!!!!", and that starts for good TODAY!!! hugs, really

#9 Jan 17 - 1PM (Reply to #7)

blueeyes

Really

You will past this part, that's all it is, A PART of your life. This is not the rest of your life or your future. This is the present time and your having issues with comprimising yourself. I've done that a zillion times. The "ENOUGH" moment, if your anything like I was, it will come to you, naturally. Like a ton of bricks one day I "woke up" and I didn't care ONE IODA about HIM. I had to view him as a dangerous individual that is capeable of being Ted Bundy. This is how I saw him in the end. It was a turn off. I understand tough days, mentally tough days when I was with him were HARD. The tough days I have now are the clean up after his messes that he left behind. I will take the tough days now anyday over the mentally tough days. You will get there because you have this inside you already. It will come to you and when it does, you will feel so GOOD. I hope I witness that :)

#10 Jan 17 - 9AM

gettinbetter

You will get past this at

You will get past this at some point but in a way its very enlightening because I believe this is how the Narc has felt everyday of his life. Avoidance. Instead of scanning parking lots he scans people and situations avoiding love an intimacy because he is so terrified. Always feeling that no one will ever be able to measure up and that he will never measure up. I believe it his feelings that you are feeling and that they have morphed into your own. There is one huge difference here. YOU WILL MOVE ON. The core issue with the Narcs is that they can never move on from this they are stuck. Just like a trauma brought this on in you. The same thing happened to them at a young age and they got stuck and unable to move on because of this happening at such a young age they dont really remember feeling anyother way. You do.

#11 Jan 17 - 12PM (Reply to #4)

really

sick of it

You sort of blew my mind in that post! And it is so interesting that that is your perspective because it is VERY likely that that's what's happening. (My semi-codependent mother probably prepared me well.) It makes me sad for him because I know of some of his childhood crap. But, not my problem, right?!!! I'd love to have the hope and faith that I used to. That is my goal. I will be OK. I haven't been through nearly the experience that some of you have. (I don't post a ton, but have been around here a long time.) Thank you for your help. hugs, really

#12 Jan 17 - 9AM

Anne_

you will get better

but I seriously can't say what you have to do. Everybody has to follow his own path to recovery. I think it's great you have organized the outside stuff. I think that is necessary. I had two relations with Narcs, after the first, I tried to get the outside stuff right (I even bought my own house), but failed at keeping myself on track. Second Narc was even worse than first. It helped me a great deal to see a therapist. I don't know if that will work for you, I'm only saying that after four months of intensive therapy (yeah, it cost me a LOT, and I'm not earning that much), I'm in a whole different place. It is money well spent. I heard it once compared to a baby trying to walk. It is just trial and error. Infants do not decide that they want to walk, they just keep trying, every day, and they fall a lot. Just keep trying. Do not beat yourself up. You are doing so great. You are still searching to feel better, even though it is hard. you did not go back to him. you did not started another bad relation. You're here, and obviously, you are trying to make it work. You will get better, and I know it is hard, I spent so many years trying to cope, after the first N I didn't have anyone who understood my story, I didn't have online support. But starting to feel better, even if it is just for one day, is so worth it. I'm feeling your pain, but you WILL get better. xoxo Anne

#13 Jan 17 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

really

Anne_

Thank you for listening and for telling me what you think and what's worked for you. It really does help. For some reason today, I just couldn't feel my feet underneath me. I did an hour on the treadmill, knowing it would help me feel more in charge of myself. It worked. :) Yes, I am trying to make it work. And it does more often than not. I so appreciate being able to come here and have the support and kindness of others, like you. hugs, really

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