He wrote again -- why?

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#1 Dec 30 - 8AM

Deidre99

He wrote again -- why?

I have been ''officially'' 2 weeks NC as of today--woohoo! :=) Ladies--you have been a lifesaver here. Lisa...this forum ROCKS. I would never have gone NC like this, had I not discovered this place, so thank you & God bless!!!

For those who don't know the gist of what's been happening...

After sending a goodbye letter (closure for me) two weeks ago, I didn't think I'd hear from the N again. My letter made no mention of his behavior or treatment of me.

So...He sent me a brief email on Monday--as if nothing had ever happened. As if he was a long lost friend ''checking in.'' Yeah, that's how I'd describe it. Couldn't find the right words the other day to describe that.

I did NOT reply to it.

Today, I get another email. Almost a repeat of that one...but with a line...''if you are mad at me, I understand. I said some things that were probably tough for you to hear.'' (what he is referring to I think, is he felt I was far from the Lord, and he was trying to lead me back) First, I'm not 'far from the Lord,' and second, I am not upset with him. Granted, he could be talking about how he didn't care about the friendship...and thinks I'm mad over that.

I'm not mad at all. Just over the whole thing, and want to close the door on all this...as I head into 2011.

Anyways...I'm not replying. Have no desire to. But...why would he write again, seeing I didn't reply to the first email this week? Thanks for listening.

#2 Dec 31 - 10AM

MOORE

mine wrote or emailyelled

So another nasty email came in at 2.30 am -I cannot even copy or post it, it is so bad - it really is a narcassistic rage in print! It is so hard for me not to address every invalid, projected, word he has said - but I know it is pointless. I am now over 2 weeks no contact. I havent responded to any text, (alot on Xmas eve), not to his recent emails. Just wanted to let you know.

#3 Dec 31 - 11AM (Reply to #31)

Deidre99

MOORE

I'm sorry you have to be subjected to all of that toxicity! But, good for you at staying NC!!! That's the key. I think we all have to get a point when no matter WHAT they spew at us, we ignore it...because it truly doesn't matter. There's no way anything you could have ever done or said could POSSIBLY trigger his reaction. He has a miserable life, and wants to blame it on someone else. If these people would ever get counseling, and get to the heart of their troubles...THEN MAYBE...they'd be on the road to recovery. But, his rage has nothing to do with you. It has to do with him. And whatever it is that's ailing him. Pray for the guy. Pray he gets help. Pray he leaves you alone. The reality is? You have to get to a point when you read what he writes, and it doesn't matter. No matter what he says. At the beginning of NC...I was a little concerned about what he might think. But, now? And it's only been a little over two weeks...I don't care anymore. He can think he's better than me, superior, he can think I'm beneath him...he can think anything he likes. It doesn't make it truth. And once I stopped seeking affirmation, and realized that I was partially culpable for breaking NC in the past because of my need for approval, then that too...has helped me maintain NC. WE DON'T NEED THESE NARCS' APPROVAL. Their need for supply, and our need to be approved by them, kept it going. Once you remove yourself from the equation, it's over. I no longer want someone in my life who doesn't value me and who treats me with disrespect. I wish I hadn't let it go on for as long as it did...but I'm slowly forgiving myself. But...I know this. I won't give him anymore opportunities to hurt me. So many people in our lives, Moore...who think we're great. Who value us. Don't waste another second concerning yourself with what this miserable man thinks of you. He needs professional help. He needs the Lord. It is so very sad that they reduce themselves into a rage to get attention--like a 3 yr old who is not getting his own way. Keep up the good work with NC. Happy new year!!

#4 Dec 31 - 12PM (Reply to #32)

MOORE

Hey Deirdre I love all you

Hey Deirdre I love all you have to say - I also kind of bond with you, as our last letter, and length of NC are the same. I know anything I say will be twisted, but I also know that right now he will be reading everything there is on narcassism, if only to be able to say that is not him. He is successful and an intellect and his last email kept repeating that I am the one who is 'f%%$#kd up' - this is the ultimate projection which confirms that he is seeing somethings in the narcassism traits which he can identify with. I feel guilty as the claims in there because he to me to Mexico on holiday a coupleof times, and wined me and dined me that he 'treated' me right - for someone with money those things although appreciated by me, are easy - however in all other ways it was a very one way relationship - my concern is I dont know who to be anymore. I am in therapy. I am working on co-dependency, but at 44 I have always been giving, and bend myself like a pretzel to ensure the other person is happy. Now I am trying to work on what I want, and that is the problem - I have had 2 narcs now, that have told me repeatedly I will not be happy in a 9-5 average relationship. and the thing is, I do not give the men who are just 'nice' a chance - I am just in a pickle and that is why I am taking 3-6 months out, normally be now I would be back on the dating sites to quickly ease the pain.....however this time, I am reflecting and trying to decide how I want to live the next part of my life. You dont live in Atlanta do you???? Could do with a new female chum....who really understands.

#5 Dec 31 - 8AM

Scotchy71

Deidre99

Mine did the same thing, wrote to me 3 times and I didn't give in UNTIL.. he pushed the buttons and accused me of not even sending him a "courtesy" email.....yeah wow, he deserved courtesy after cheating etc....but anyway they will do anything to get your supply and take it from me, as soon as they do, will rage all their anger at you.....not worth responding and you're left feeling it was your fault....leave him alone in his ignorance and games - he doesn't deserve Deirdre....xxx Remember, as painful as it is...they come back when the other supply isn't so great, they don't actually care about us...it's all about him, remember? x

#6 Dec 31 - 10AM (Reply to #29)

Deidre99

scotchy

Yes it is. I'm slowly learning that day by day. I thought today, about how I don't think these types of people want relationships...marriages...or friendships. They just want women to admire them, and fall over them. They want to use us as emotional pin cushions or punching bags. So...yes. I hear you...his reaching out to me this week, is an attempt to bait me back into the games. Not because he misses the friendship. Because he misses the supply. Here's to 2011...and being narc free. ps--I did send him a courtesy email...haha That was my goodbye letter, and you know? There's mixed feelings here about sending a goodbye letter. But, when you back it up with NC...thereafter, it CAN provide closure. In a classy and dignified way. I feel like I walked away from him and the ''friendship'' with grace. I didn't want to just go NC, and then he'd write...''why are you ignoring me...'' and then on and on it'd go. I just wanted the whole thing snipped, and now, being NC for OVER 2 weeks, feels so good.

#7 Dec 30 - 3PM

Happy1

Deidre

You are doing so wonderfully. I wish I was doing as well as you are! Keep up the great spirits!!

#8 Dec 30 - 4PM (Reply to #26)

Deidre99

happy

In all fairness, happy...my relationship (the romantic side) ended several months ago. So, my break and your break are different. You were engaged also, right? So...our situations, are a little different. I will say, I stayed ''friends'' and let this man abuse me and play with my head for far too long. In that realm, we are in the same boat! lol I will say this. You will get through this. Imagine yourself over this man, what might life look like then? Imagine yourself a year from now...what great things can you see yourself doing, without him? Seriously...make a list. If you can dream it...you can make it happen.

#9 Dec 31 - 6AM (Reply to #27)

Happy1

Deidre99

Thanks! I was engaged to him but that meant nothing to him and now it doesn't even feel like that happened. I think it's a good idea to write what I want to do over the next year, but I'm a little afraid to do that right now. I don't know why. I'm still longing for my horrible narc, so I don't want to think too far ahead yet. I'm doing good by thinking far enough ahead to make plans for the weekend. I haven't been crying as much and I'm not laying in bed all day. These are all huge improvements from previous break ups with the N. I really have to do everything I can to make sure he can not come near me ever again. But you sound so wonderful Deidre99 and you are a huge help here! So thank you!!!

#10 Dec 30 - 2PM

ClusterF

Supply

He can't get over the idea that his supply (you) is gone. It's like losing a limb to them and they keep trying to drag you back in (hoovering).

#11 Dec 30 - 4PM (Reply to #23)

Deidre99

cluster...

haha that's funny...but you are probably right! :=)

#12 Dec 30 - 11PM (Reply to #24)

ClusterF

Dierdre

They aren't original, except for the fact that some of them are sociopaths and psychopaths. This site is for learning and filling the anti-narc toolkit so you don't fall victim to the next one who may be worse. To them, we aren't people, we are supply (but we ARE people). To us, they are artificially perfect mates (they are personality-disordered douchebags: they are NOT people). Glad you're here! *grin*

#13 Dec 30 - 1PM

ImStrong

Im so Proud of you Deidre

Im so Proud of you Deidre You are indeed without a doubt strong..Keep up the strength xx

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

#14 Dec 30 - 3PM (Reply to #21)

Deidre99

imstrong

{{{imstrong}}} I'm trying, lady! I'm trying. I wrote another thread just now, about my epiphany today with all this. NC for me, is not about him. It's about me. It's about closing the door to craziness, meanness, and abuse. That's not who I am. And at the end of the day...it doesn't even matter anymore to me that he's a textbook narc (which he is!) It should not matter to us WHY someone is hurting us repetitively...only that they are. I will only have people enter my life, and remain in it...who value my friendship. Who treat me with respect. I actually said in my goodbye letter...''we must sever relationships that do not edify us, or God.'' (read between the lines a-hole lol) haha I believe that though. With all my heart. If someone does not value you, and you have been good to him/her...it's time to let him/her go. Going NC can get increasingly easier for us, when we employ that type of mindset. I think for many of us, me included when I would go silent on him in the past--only go NC in hopes it will gain a reaction from the narc. Maybe THIS time, he'll apologize. Maybe THIS time, he will value me. See? No...If someone values you, you shouldn't have to play games with them, to see it. Hope you have a blessed night, imstrong. You've helped me a lot lately.

#15 Dec 30 - 12PM

Briseis

Narcs don't let go because

Narcs don't let go because YOU let go. What you do doesn't register on their radar. They have no respect for a boundary or limit you set with them. They step right over it. Your Narc doesn't even seem to NOTICE, he ignores it and steps right on over like it was never said. Their lack of empathy and respect for you is the cause of this. It's actually VERY insulting. What, you TOLD him it's over . . . and he ignores you. How much more insulting can it get. What better way to say "You exist only as long as I give you permission." If nothing else says he's a Narc, THIS does.

#16 Dec 30 - 4PM (Reply to #19)

Deidre99

briseis

This is so very insightful, you have no idea. Yes. Until coming to this forum, I logically would think some of this stuff out...and there was always something missing. Coming to this site, the other pieces have come together. Seeing the simliarities in our situations here, too has given me comfort. Not that I want to see anyone go through this...but, it's comforting to know we are not alone, Briseis. Thanks for your comment here, and happy new year!!!

#17 Dec 30 - 11AM

really

He wrote BECAUSE you didn't

He wrote BECAUSE you didn't reply. It's that simple.

#18 Dec 30 - 11AM (Reply to #15)

Deidre99

lol! when we reply, they

lol! when we reply, they don't. when we don't...they do. hahaha definition of insanity, no? I wanted to add...as I mentioned in this thread, HE had been wanting to end our communication (or so he said) for some time...since I said goodbye...shouldn't he be happy about that now? He got his wish. We're done! Why keep writing to me, then?? lol

#19 Dec 30 - 12PM (Reply to #16)

Journey

He didn't really want it to end

That's the whole point. Like I mentioned below about reasoning from our non-narc perspectives - we can't because everything a narc tells us could be another tactic only for manipulation and control and nothing might be the truth. Also, the definition of insanity is actually doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different results - which is exactly what we did when we thought our loving, forgiveness, understanding and kindness could actually get through to the narc and he would/could feel something real for us if we kept trying. Narcs will make everyone who cares for them temporarily INSANE!! phew, I needed that vent - lol! Journey on...

Journey on...

#20 Dec 30 - 4PM (Reply to #17)

really

Journey

Exactly! I had the same experience in other forms of interaction, too. He wanted me to stop by his house more often, so I did. And when I did, he was too busy to chat with me or was "just heading out" or had a work appt. He wanted me to call him more, so I did. And when I did he wouldn't answer the phone, or he would say he'd call me back and then didn't. He wanted me to make more plans for us, so I did. And if we went to something that wasn't his idea, he would be a baby and pout and want to leave. That's assuming I could get him there. It was more likely that he "was busy". Well, he was spending all his time with me, except for when I called him and asked him, too. No wonder I felt like I was going insane...

#21 Dec 30 - 9AM

Journey

More games

Desperathousewife (sp?) said it all. Another game to lure you back. Did you notice what he said with ''if you are mad at me, I understand. I said some things that were probably tough for you to hear.''? So he's admitting you might have reason to be mad at him even though you were not angry in your goodbye letter - yet he doesn't apologize about possibly being unfair and giving you reason to be mad - he instead turns it back on you with that one sentence. Like bait he's hoping you'll bite, that you'll defend yourself. "things that might be tough for you to hear" - subtext - you can't handle the truth about yourself because you won't like it - WTF?! Who made him the one who knows best - oh wait a minute, I forgot he's a narc so I guess he did - NOT! Keep up the good work with your NC Deidre - I'm proud of you! Journey on...

Journey on...

#22 Dec 30 - 10AM (Reply to #12)

Deidre99

journey

EXACTLY. As though he has the power to tell me that I'm close or not close to God. The thing that sort of reveals itself more and more as time marches on...is...when our relationship ended, back in the summer...he never wanted to let go. He would keep sending me pics of his kids and him. He would send me letter after letter. He asked if he could cry on my shoulder relating to the pain he still felt over his ex wife (just an attempt at getting pity) ...so a ''friendship'' sort of morphed from all of that. He would then tell me about women he was dating...''oh, D...does this hurt you?'' grrr! I remember thinking back then, END IT WITH THIS IDIOT. Around that time, he started insulting...berating...and it would be mixed in with ...nice things. Always keeping me confused. I tried to end it then. Telling him, we don't need to be in one another's lives. Let's move on, kind of email. A week went by of NC...on both of our parts, then he broke up with this one chick, and ''faked'' an apology, so he could tell me all about it. We resumed...and the ''friendship'' just kept going. He felt I was far from God. He said a lot of hurtful things in this vain. I kept tolerating it. He really changed for the worse, when a new woman entered his life. He admired her. He thought she was 'hot.' He told me all of this. I knew who she was, I admired her, too...there was no jealousy. But, I think he WANTED me to be jealous of her. Anyways, I share all of this with you all to give you some background. So, I have a feeling she is in the picture...interestingly, she is not on his FB. I checked when I should not have last week. I think it's funny she is not on his FB, and I have a feeling as to why. Because the people on his FB, he can't BS. Like he could BS me. Like most likely he does with her. The people in his FB, are people either he works with, goes to church with, or used to go to high school with. Why I find that funny, I don't know...but I do. lol Ladies. You are awesome! You have helped me in sucha short amount of time to see the light more and more. {{HUGS}}

#23 Dec 30 - 11AM (Reply to #13)

Journey

Deidre

What a piece of work he is! I am so glad to hear you sound so strong and determined now to see through his manipulations. Way to go sister! Speaking of FB, I noticed mine lost a friend - lol! (yes I still look sometimes and no, I didn't obsessively look through all his friends to find out which one, but I do generally notice the head count. He's not quick to add new friends and it is after all how I first got wind of the ow he started wooing while he still lived with me, so I find FB has helped me see who he really is by what he does and doesn't do there) Journey on...

Journey on...

#24 Dec 30 - 9AM (Reply to #11)

Journey

ALSO

Also, you are still trying to make sense of a narc by non-narc standards. I think in order to truly understand a narc and his motives, it requires seeing everything they say as a possible lie or another tactic for manipulation and control. Journey on...

Journey on...

#25 Dec 30 - 9AM

Scoop

Oh my goodness youre narc is

Oh my goodness youre narc is rapidly getting extreemly anyoying ... please give me his email as i dont mind replying to the POS lol .He was trying to pull you back closer to the Lord ???!!!! you know word fail me on that and if i did write what i thought it wouldnt be very nice tea time reading this Thursday afternoon ! He wrote again because they hate to be ignored , to ignore a narc is like kryptonite to superman , it kills them ... and quite frankly your narc needs some kryptonite put where the sun dont shine , what gets me more mad is that you where "just friends " for most of the relationship , who the hell dose he think he is ? Keep up the good work of no contact , it seems to be working nicely .. Scoop x

#26 Dec 30 - 9AM

desprathousewife

Deidre

He's frightened he's losing his hold over you. These guys don't give up THAT easily. You're a great source of supply and you aren't allowed to have the final word and just walk away. That's not how it works! You are supposed to miss him so much you will do anything to get him back, and here is your opportunity. Come on, he's willing to let bygones be bygones, forget everything he's done to you in the past, go back as if nothing has happened and let him treat you even more appallingly in the future. You love him SO much that you can't possibly be willing to let him go so easily. He's irreplacable, the best thing that has ever happened to you right??? Well done on your 2 weeks NC, keep it up....don't let him back in your head. By ignoring him you are telling him he is beneath you, you won't put up with this insanity any longer :) You are doing really well here. It would be even better for you if you could block his emails and spare any further mind games from this loser?

#27 Dec 30 - 11AM (Reply to #5)

mystwoman

Deidre, I very much agree

Deidre, I very much agree with everything desprathouseife has said. These narcs don't give up that easily. They're like manipulative, spoiled toddlers in man-sized bodies. If one tactic doesn't work to get their way, they'll just try another and another and another. Sometimes they'll keep trying for quite a while until they finally decide it's hopeless with you, and they move onto another victim. Narcs remind me of a vampire that continues to suck on a dead body until they get EVERY last drop of blood...and then they return occasionally to suck some more just to be SURE. lol. They can also be "creative" in their hoover attempts on occasion. Narcs are completely self-centered and very manipulative. They want their way, and they want it NOW. They are sure they're going to get their way with each new tactic they try with you. It's almost like listening to a broken record watching their antics. "Maybe if I send her a "friendly" letter and act sweet, she'll come back, let me suck supply, and abuse her some more. That didn't work!" "Maybe if I 'pretend' that nothing is different between us, she'll come back, let me suck supply, and abuse her some more. That didn't work!" "Maybe if I get angry and send her nasty messages, she'll come back, let me suck supply, and abuse her some more. That didn't work!" "Maybe if I throw a big dramatic fit and cry crocodile tears, she'll come back, let me suck supply, and abuse her some more. That didn't work!" "Maybe if I ignore HER and give her the silent treatment, she'll come back, let me suck supply, and abuse her some more. That didn't work!" "Maybe if I get online and smear her name to everyone we know, she'll come back, let me suck supply, and abuse her some more. That didn't work!" I'm sure you get the point with all of this. The tactic may change, but their strategy is always the same. Your xn is trying to suck you back into his realm. He's hoovering. He's NOT in control of you any longer and he doesn't like it. Your best option is to maintain your NC, and ignore him completely. Any reaction or interaction that you have with him will only encourage him to keep trying, and it will take longer for you to get him out of your life. You're doing a great job with the NC. Keep it up. NC is so worth it. Hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#28 Dec 30 - 11AM (Reply to #7)

Deidre99

mystwoman

hahaha...that's funny...how you illustrate a narc's thinking. I have a feeling you are spot on! lol To add more light here ...he kept saying the last month or so...''I need to let you go, D.'' or....''Our friendship was never meant to last.'' OR...''I could take or leave our friendship. Understand, I love you, but can't be in your life much longer.'' hahaha I think back to these comments and can giggle now, but when he was saying all this? It was very hurtful. Like a dummy...I replied...''why are you doing this? I thought we were friends. You told me I was one of your best friends.'' and he'd reply... ''You are, but you don't listen to my advice anymore. I'm the only one who has had the courage to tell you your shortcomings, and you don't care.'' You get the idea. I finally had the COURAGE to say goodbye...in the form of a letter, two weeks ago. While narcs are unfeeling...I really would have loved to be a fly on that wall...reading me say goodbye to him. CALMLY. My letter was not a rant. I wanted to exit with class and grace. I was not going to rant and give him the satisfaction of all that. I will say this. I was a good friend to him. I cared, genuinely. He ruined a good friendship. On some level, I think he realizes this. But, he will never admit that. To admit fault, is defeat to them. Oh well...thanks for these kind words, and being so supportive!!! NC ...NC....NC...It has done wonders for me.

#29 Dec 30 - 11AM (Reply to #8)

mystwoman

'You are, but you don't

'You are, but you don't listen to my advice anymore. I'm the only one who has had the courage to tell you your shortcomings, and you don't care.'' What a smug, self-righteous jerk to think that HE has any right to either give you advice, or tell you what your shortcomings are! If these narcs would worry about THEIR shortcomings, we'd all have a whole lot less problems with them. lol. "GOOD" and "BYE" are the best two words you can say to him...then let him enjoy your silence ever after.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#30 Dec 30 - 11AM (Reply to #6)

Journey

So well said!

And so spot on! I love your list of their antics - I heard a slimy voice in my head getting more and more desperate sounding as I read each one - lol. Journey on...

Journey on...

#31 Dec 30 - 9AM (Reply to #4)

ewa

Yes keep it up as

Yes keep it up as Desprathousewife says. He did not even made an effort to change the content of his email!

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