Breaking into tears all the time

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Michele is right - we've all either been or are here. Something important to understand - this is not a normal grieving process. As you probably saw from the PTSD thread - there is a lot more to this than *simply* grieving the end of a relationship that just didn't work out. Not that going through that isn't painful because it is. But this is far different. Going through this was far more painful than my own father's suicide and I loved my dad probably more than I've loved anyone else in the world except my daughter. That being said - perhaps it would help to focus on the little things. That's what I've been doing lately and it's helped me put perspective to the whole thing (like Michele's wide angle lens). Forget the big stuff for a while. You said that he was mostly kind and loving to you. But he must not have been all the time, otherwise you wouldn't be here. You would feel sad, like it's too bad we weren't compatible, or had different philosophies, or didn't like the way the other dressed. But that's not what happened. So, during the devaluation and discarding of you, what were some of the little thoughtless, insensitive things that he did or said? Little stuff, not big stuff? And pick the one that sticks out in your mind the most and ask yourself two questions. 1) Would you do the same kind of thing to someone you cared about and not feel sincerely remorseful afterward and try to make amends? and 2) Would you tolerate that sort of insensitive, unclassy behavior from anyone else in your life? And if the answer to #1 is of course not, then the simple fact of the matter is he is not good enough for you. And if the answer to #2 is yes, then you have a lot of work to do to focus on yourself and figure out why it is that you tolerate other folks treating you badly. And if the answer to #2 is no, then it's the same as #1. Hope that makes sense. Hang in there. It's like Sarah McLaughlan's line "This is gonna hurt like hell." But it will get better.

I think it would help if I pointed out some things in your post. It seems like you are struggling with cognitive dissonance. How much have you read up on NPD? I'm not sure and if it hasn't been much, I encourage you to do lots of research. It will help brainwash you back to what the reality is. It is very very hard to cognitively process that people can actually suffer from this affliction and act out the way they do. There is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. Right now the professionals feel they are incurable. First you say: The hardest thing right now is his saying "That was a long time ago, forget about it. You are living in the past." I will say, "I thought you loved me so much, what happened to all that? It's just gone?" And he tells me to stop talking about how he used to be then, stop living in the past. That was before.... What you need to understand is that you were targeted. This has nothing to do with education, wisdom, strength - anyone can be a victim. They are MASTER MANIPULATORS. They study you carefully before they go in for the kill. These Narcs have these empty voids very deep empty voids. Very deep DARK voids. They are empty/souless but they master the art of illusion. They play a game of three card monty with reality. They know exactly how to play you. And they tell you everything you want to hear and they create a false reality for you. You exist, your love exists...they are just a mirror reflecting it back at you. They need to feed off of supply - in this case, the temporary source was you. As long as you did not challenge, ask questions, have expectations and were easy to tame...all was good. BUT at some point there was a pivotal moment where you were no longer good supply. There could be various reasons for this. There was a posting about an emotional scale I think Jen 79 posted it and it was a very good analogy or means of technically explaining what happens. I will try to find it and copy it here towards the bottom. The newness the honeymoon period gives off all kinds of chemical charges...the "High" for the Narc - but when you become human make demands, have expectations - are not simply playing into what he has decided your role was and how your character needed to be cast - and you start to get hep - you need to be not only discarded but degraded because you inflicted a narcissistic injury to his fragile ego. The only way he knows how to shield that is to cast blame on you, dismiss your feelings and concerns and minimize by refusing to provide closure or validation. This is where the gaslighting and crazymaking behavior begins and it is the beginning of the loss of your sanity if you are unaware of something like this. Of course he is demanding that you move forward and not go back to clarify, discuss, remedy or hash it out because that would actually FORCE him to have some accountability. In his distorted mind, he is perfect, he is king...you are the submissive that is to follow orders and not ask questions or have any needs...It is all about him - there will be no validation. KEY TO PROCESS: They lack empathy and feelings, consciousness and compassion. SO - you are operating in the realm of genuine emotions when he has none. He knows how to mimic emotions. He's studied people and their reactions for a long time, he knows how to play act these emotions but he does not have the ability to feel ANYTHING but sorry for himself. Other times he is numb walking around with a deep dark void and the only way he can fill it is by feeding off of others - AND anyone will do...and this is with EVERYONE...friends, family, lovers, wives, children - EVERYONE is an object whose only purpose is to help the NARC fill the void. THINK: Invasion of the Body Snatchers...it was a systematically calculated planned attack on your psyche but you had no idea it was taking place - which is why right now it seems all very minimal, but once the reality kicks in...you might go through some PTSD because a majority of us here have been suffering with symptoms - basically it was an emotional rape - a violation. And when you understand the reality of it it is very very shocking and for a while, the CD kicks in because you cannot process it - the mind will not let you. You have to almost unbrainwash yourself by arming yourself with information in order to validate to yourself that you aren't crazy - and most people will not understand this type of abuse; however, there is tons of information out there and there is nothing that says this isn't abuse - in fact they say this type of abuse is WORSE than the physical or the verbal...because it attacks the psyche. Seriously, a bad enough attack could cause a casualty due to the emotional distress. I'm not saying you're there - but you are in the loop of not being able to process which is understandable - trust me...we have all been there...you are not alone and you are not crazy. It is also very difficult to find a therapist who knows how to treat this effectively. They're not that schooled either so essentially, you have to do a lot of work on your own as well. But this place has been a Godsend. Next, you state: I feel when you love someone deeply, you love them forever. It is making me think it was all a lie or something, though I know it can't be possible. And very simply, it was all a lie - it was an illusion and it is very possible. There are thousands and thousands of resources out there that will document this. This is what it is, as much as 2+2=4. Where you are having the problem is that you are operating from a place where you do have feelings and you feel them and so you cannot process cognitively or emotionally relate to how someone could not have feelings. BUT it has been documented. Look at the few hundreds on this board alone. And there a whole slew of boards popping up daily. Not every Sociopath is a killer - all killers ARE sociopaths or psychopaths - BUT what makes them dangerous is the lack of empathy, the lack of a concept of consequence? The lack of compassion, the lack of remorse, they just don't feel it's not that they don't want to - they can't. Somewhere along the line, they were damaged. Some believe it is a biological defect. Some believe environmental, some believe the environmental caused a biological change to the Amalgyda...and some believe they were just born that way. Many many theories on the how...but there is no argument on the WHAT. There is nothing you can do about it - from a moral standpoint - maybe they can't help themselves? BUT they are capable of great harm sometimes physical, sometimes emotional, sometimes both and no amount of love in the world could change that, for we are just temporary supply. They get filled with the thrill of the chase. They can never fully connect. They're disconected from themselves. But they've learned how to master acting out emotions and they are exceptionally skilled. When you question how or why this type of individual would be created or walk the earth - some believe that in very primitive societies they served a purpose because they would make great warriors. It is in their nature to be predators. It is sad, and we hurt, and we hurt for them, but it is like a rabid dog...you hate to have to put the dog down, but it's gonna be either you or the dog and the dog cannot be cured. Same concept here....Tragic. I hope Science catches up although what the preliminary information seems to be pointing towards is that there would actually have to be a type of brain manipulation by implanting a chip or some sort that would "charge" the area that is affected. Not too sure how well that's gonna fly cause initially there would have to be an "experimental" stage. He didn't love you because he couldn't love you. You can love, you can heal, and you can love again. The upside is, you will be smarter next time and will be able to smell it a mile away - if you do what needs to be done for the recovery process. HOWEVER, you must drop the empathy chip immediately when it comes to him. You will be tempted to want to help, to understand, to help find a cure - it will be a failure. He sees nothing wrong with himself, YOU are the one that must be BLAMED. YOU are the one that MUST be crazy - for he lacks the ability to take true inventory because in his land of illusion, he is flawless. Which is why, they are also the perpetual victims, because they never see or can connect to how what they do creates the conditions in which they are "suffering" under - although I tend to think the only suffering they feel is the torture of the void - having nothing to do with external factors, like the objects *people...but themselves. It is Self Centeredness to the 100,000,000 power and nothing will ever penetrate. You must move forward. He's right you must just not with him. Good Luck and happy healing.

Oh yes, I know those feelings. I'm seriously questioning myself every day about how I was so fooled, and WHY I tolerate his abuse for so long. I, too, am an independent educated person. My only answers to myself (so far) are that I deeply fell in love with the person I thought xnh really was. I missed the red flags because I didn't WANT to see them (or simply couldn't bring myself to face them). Of course, if I'd forced myself to see through the cracks in xnh's illusion, I would not have loved with the person I really saw. I WANTED the person I saw as xnh and his love badly. My love was real. Xnh was a complete fraud. I fell in love with a ghost. He wasn't really the person I thought he was. The other question, I'm having a harder time coping with is "Why did I tolerate his abuse for so long?" Sixteen years is a LONG time, and I was in emotional pain a large part of it. I truly did feel that I was sleeping with the enemy the last years of the marriage. The only thing I've come up with in my mind so far, is that I didn't want to give up on the illusion xnh initially fabricated. I can be a stubborn person sometimes. My stubbornness about staying with xnh hurt me badly, in this case. I suppose I was being what my aunt refers to as "stupid stubborn" for tolerating his abuse for as long as I did. Sigh. As for living in the past, no that's not what you were doing. You were wanting your relationship to be better like you thought it was in the past. My xnh told me the very same thing. Of course, he would also then throw every single perceived "crime" I supposedly committed during the past 16 years into my face within the same breath. I wasn't supposed to "live in the past" but it was apparently alright for him to continually use the past against me. Now that it's not what xnh wants, he's blissfully trotting onward pretending the past never existed at all...and yes, it really hurts that I could love xnh for so long only to have him "erase" me in his mind like our marriage never even existed. Your comment, "I feel when you love someone deeply, you love them forever. It is making me think it was all a lie or something, though I know it can't be possible." Your love, your feelings, and your relationship were not a lie. They DID happen. Your intentions in the relationship were pure and honest. It was the narc that was the lie. Hugs.

I did feel exactly as you did - I'm smart, college-educated, Master's degree, run my own business, successful, someone people look to for solutions, etc. All of it. It is somewhat of an embarrassment, actually, for me to have been so caught up in him. I have managed people for decades, been responsible for their personal and professional development, surely I should have seen what he was... But, that's the thing. I saw the mask he was wearing. I saw who he let me see. He said the same things yours did about living in the past, "I can't believe you take things so literally" when I would bring up something he said that contradicted his behavior, etc. For me, my education and experience played in it to a certain degree, too, and that has been the hardest thing to resolve. I thought, "who, if not me, would be able to deal with him and his issues?" I knew something was missing, I knew he was a jerk at times. He cast aside other people, yet I was still around. I thought there was something special about me. I had the skills to deal with him. What a joke! Later, I figured out that the only reason I was still in his life was because I didn't leave, not because he wanted me to stay. Add to that the fact that my friends, family, and some coworkers have seen my decision-making... No one will say it to my face, but I often wonder what they think of me for having put up with him. Do they now second-guess my professional opinions because of personal stupidity? I don't know.