Day 94 and wonderings....
Day 94 and wonderings....
Can't beleive I am staring almost 14 weeks NC in the face. I am losing track of the days and have to consult a calendar half the time to get my # of days NC straight and that makes feel me good. Many mornings now, I wake up and don't think of him immediately. He is an afterthought now and that also makes me happy. I know I am detaching, I am releasing him, I am finally loving myself enough to do something so hard in order to protect myself. This NC from this narc has been some of the cruelest moments of my life. The withdrawal and the cognitive dissonance have been brutal. But I am determined to finish this trauma in my life.
I wonder when the first time that I sold out was....I wonder when the first time I allowed someone to do something so hideous to me and take them back......I wonder when I started minimizing behaviors and lowering boundaries....I wasn't always this way....I was a bad ass chick at one point that you didn't want to mess with...I could walk away and not look back. But somewhere along the way I lost that instinct.
For the last 8 months, I have walked along a very long, hurtful, embaressing, humbling and nonapologetic road back to the happy, healthy Sherry that I once knew. It has been so hard and so enlightening and to this day, I am still processing events, situations, relationships, and people from my life that shaped me in some way or another. It's funny, b/c somethings I haven't thought about in so long....and then BAM, there they are, right in my face. I recognize the red flags that I should have acted on, and how history is repeating itself over and over and over again.....I take responsibility and forgive myself for my part and then I reconcile how I would do act differently now that I know better. I am healing myself! And God is healing me. He is bringing peace to my life.. I can see clearly how saying yes too quickly and not saying enough no's in my life has brought me to this point. And as hard as it has been, I am so grateful for this fork in the road, for this clarity, for this sudden need for self preservation, for this awareness that I am now experiencing.
And Narc helped me get there...I guess this is where I have issues.....I dont' hate him, I'm not really mad at him, and I don't hold any resentment to him....I am just so grateful for the time we had together b/c it was the catalyst I needed in my life to face the fear and fight. And b/c I am such a loving and giving person, I battle the desire to contact him and let him know that I don't hate him and will always hold him dear to my heart...because I know that it doesn't really matter overall. It will fall on deaf ears. What matters is that I and God know the truth and that I have been a women of integrity and have acted with nothing but dignity and grace. I am asking you all to help me get thru this holiday season, I need help to fight the urge to reach out during this lovely time and tell him anything.....ughhhhh.....freaking hate this feeling.
I am so thankful to this site and to the women and men on this board. It is b/c of you and the truth that I have been able to stay NC. Whenever I go to fantasy land in my head, this board always brings me back to reality. THANK YOU!!!
Happy Thanksgiving and much love!
Sherry
NC
NC acceptance & forgiveness
ihtc
used, you are right!
Wow Candy....
sherbear
Oh Used, I love your replies!
sherbear
So sorry Used.
sherbear
Please don't apologize!
Sherbear
So good Jen...
Thank you so much...
spinning
Spinning