Day 94 and wonderings....

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#1 Nov 24 - 10AM
Sherbear
Sherbear's picture

Day 94 and wonderings....

Can't beleive I am staring almost 14 weeks NC in the face. I am losing track of the days and have to consult a calendar half the time to get my # of days NC straight and that makes feel me good. Many mornings now, I wake up and don't think of him immediately. He is an afterthought now and that also makes me happy. I know I am detaching, I am releasing him, I am finally loving myself enough to do something so hard in order to protect myself. This NC from this narc has been some of the cruelest moments of my life. The withdrawal and the cognitive dissonance have been brutal. But I am determined to finish this trauma in my life.

I wonder when the first time that I sold out was....I wonder when the first time I allowed someone to do something so hideous to me and take them back......I wonder when I started minimizing behaviors and lowering boundaries....I wasn't always this way....I was a bad ass chick at one point that you didn't want to mess with...I could walk away and not look back. But somewhere along the way I lost that instinct.

For the last 8 months, I have walked along a very long, hurtful, embaressing, humbling and nonapologetic road back to the happy, healthy Sherry that I once knew. It has been so hard and so enlightening and to this day, I am still processing events, situations, relationships, and people from my life that shaped me in some way or another. It's funny, b/c somethings I haven't thought about in so long....and then BAM, there they are, right in my face. I recognize the red flags that I should have acted on, and how history is repeating itself over and over and over again.....I take responsibility and forgive myself for my part and then I reconcile how I would do act differently now that I know better. I am healing myself! And God is healing me. He is bringing peace to my life.. I can see clearly how saying yes too quickly and not saying enough no's in my life has brought me to this point. And as hard as it has been, I am so grateful for this fork in the road, for this clarity, for this sudden need for self preservation, for this awareness that I am now experiencing.

And Narc helped me get there...I guess this is where I have issues.....I dont' hate him, I'm not really mad at him, and I don't hold any resentment to him....I am just so grateful for the time we had together b/c it was the catalyst I needed in my life to face the fear and fight. And b/c I am such a loving and giving person, I battle the desire to contact him and let him know that I don't hate him and will always hold him dear to my heart...because I know that it doesn't really matter overall. It will fall on deaf ears. What matters is that I and God know the truth and that I have been a women of integrity and have acted with nothing but dignity and grace. I am asking you all to help me get thru this holiday season, I need help to fight the urge to reach out during this lovely time and tell him anything.....ughhhhh.....freaking hate this feeling.

I am so thankful to this site and to the women and men on this board. It is b/c of you and the truth that I have been able to stay NC. Whenever I go to fantasy land in my head, this board always brings me back to reality. THANK YOU!!!

Happy Thanksgiving and much love!
Sherry

Nov 26 - 9AM
Fawn
Fawn's picture

NC

We have to be so careful with Ns and with listening to that little voice inside telling us, Don't touch thAt hot stove! I almost was burned again recently. I've beenNC for well over a year. Something came up with the kids & he was being very nice. Putting on the kind voice, the caring dad act. I was feeling sort of tender toward him,but luckily I didn't act on my feelings. I now know that he was putting on the super dad act to lure in some new supply. Yikes! I was almost sucked into believing that he had grown up a little & wanted to be a good dad. WRONG! All for show. Now that he has secured his supply he wants to dump the kids again. Same pattern as last time. Poor new supply, she has no idea what she is in for. He is still telling the same pathetic victim story. So glad I didn't fall for it. I felt sentimental and loving toward him, but I still completely kept my guard up around him. I got some flack for it too, from friends. They were optimistic that've could step up and be a dad(not sure why). They were hopeful & encouraged me to be nice so he would co-parent with me. I felt bad about being so curt & cold with him. Now I'm so glad I listened to my instincts. The only way to deal with these predators is NC and very, very clear boundaries. They will always take ANY opportunity to try to reel you back in so they can reject you, feel like they got one up on you, or to play you off of other supply. This is what they live for... Deceiving people & f**king with people's heads. Sick & twisted freaks!
Nov 24 - 11AM
ihavethecandy
ihavethecandy's picture

NC acceptance & forgiveness

I have struggled with not letting my xnh know how thankful I am to him for being such a profound teacher of life-lessons. I am not angry at him any more. If I'm angry at anyone- it's myself for accepting such poor treatment. I had so many red flags that I ignored/dismissed/accepted while we were still dating. I can see them all so clearly now. The thing that I always think back to with the most regret at my own non-action is this: Right after we were married- the first weekend I went back to work, Mother's day weekend, my xnh spent his time home alone watching marathon sessions of underage porn! I found out when I got home on Sunday- was trying to wrap my mind around that- then the very next day, Monday, when my step son was to return after visiting his mother, she withheld him and took him out of state to hide him. We had no idea where/how he was. She is bipolar and was having a manic episode and even her husband was worried about her. Of course, all our attention went to finding my stepson, reassuring my daughter (then 6) and dealing with the police, social services etc. The underage porn was ignored and dismissed. I've often thought about how different my life (and my daughters) would have been had I walked out Sunday night as soon as I found out his sick "preferences." With an underage daughter living with us, and the fact I had been sexually abused as a child myself- I should have run away as fast as I possibly could!!! I shouldn't have even been there to deal with his bipolar ex, police, etc. I should have left the scene immediately. The worst thing is that I mainly stayed because I was so embarrassed! We had only been married a week and a day when I found the underage porn! We had a massive theme wedding- with Tons of people. I spent 1000s on my dress, had family in from all over the country. I knew his behavior was SO wrong and terribly dangerous to my daughter, yet I stayed because I didn't want to admit to everyone how wrong I had been about him!! Now- 6 years later, I am not the same as I used to be. I have grown and stretched myself. I have been NC for about 2 weeks (this time). I've been away from him now for just over a year and am feeling stronger than I have in a very long time. Still, I was so angry at him the last time we spoke, and I want him to know that the love I felt for him has turned to pity. The anger to sadness, and I don't hate him any more. I know it won't help him any. And so, I'm telling you wonderful people on this forum. He gets no more energy from me!! Thanks for sharing Sherbear!!!
Nov 24 - 12PM (Reply to #12)
Used
Used's picture

ihtc

a week and a day, what a bastard !!!!!.. you got stuck ,as we all did..of my marriage i think why didnt i go then or then or then, but i now accept I DIDNT... and i cannot beat my self up any more. none of us got out when we should have, thats why we are on this forum, and i am glad he will get no energy from you, he is NOTHING. SO HE DESERVES NOTHING.
Nov 24 - 12PM (Reply to #13)
ihavethecandy
ihavethecandy's picture

used, you are right!

One thing is for sure- I will Never Ever again ignore a red flag. If I ever even date again!! I'm still angry at myself for going along with this charade of a perfect marriage for so long! I lied to cover for him so many times I became kind of like him in a way. Never again!!
Nov 25 - 7AM (Reply to #14)
Sherbear
Sherbear's picture

Wow Candy....

I am so sorry that you had to go though all that. But you are so strong, I hear it in you and that enpowers me! "No energy from me" EXACTLY!! Never again will I contribute to this type of toxic poison again! Thank you for your words.
Nov 24 - 11AM
Used
Used's picture

sherbear

great post, great person, but please dont contact him, to be harsh, he doesnt give a flying fig ifyou hate him or not, he couldnt care less... this is about the person you are ,wanting to be nice and having closure, this will not bring closure it will bring pain all over again. if you want to write to him, do it here, with him it will fall on deaf ears, with us it will resonate ,every word every action every expression ,we will know and will think of you and relate to you.. leave him where he belongs, in his own hell!!! thats where he belongs.
Nov 25 - 7AM (Reply to #6)
Sherbear
Sherbear's picture

Oh Used, I love your replies!

Tell it like it is, as much as it sucks, it is still the truth!! He doesn't give a flying fuck!! If he was normal, he would have been calling and begging for forgiveness and showing me in his actions that he was wrong. But he can't do that b/c he is not normal! I want to be normal and have closure from someone who can't give me that....so screw it! I will find the closure inside myself and will move on and live an amazing life and he will still be stuck in his toxic hole, chasing supply, using and sucking people dry, telling his victim story over and over again, judging, lying, deceiving, cheating.......what a loser.....and I won't be part of it! Hallelujah!!!!!! Thanks Used!!! Happy Thanksgiving!!!!
Nov 25 - 8AM (Reply to #7)
Used
Used's picture

sherbear

i didnt mean to be harsh, my narc mother is now phoning my son asking about my "well beign", she abandoned me when i was 4 and wandered in and out my life till 7 years ago this christmas, i finished it for ever..she phones my son saying things like, i know what i done to your mum, but i am oldand ill now and i suffer for what i done to her!!, not true!!.. the point of this story is my younger son, said to me ,she needs your forgiveness mum, even if ,when you say it its not true.. i said , no i will never do this.. she is old and ill and lonely, if she had been so repentant ,why didnt she say these things.10/ 20/30/ years ago , its b/c she was still getting her supply else where, now that has all gone, she wants the daughter back ,who loved her above all others.. she even said to him if i die[mum] your mum will feels so guiltly, cos i know your mum...she doesnt know me at all.. the thing is in my head i am still that 4year old[lol], who begged her not to leave me .she still did.. the moral of this story for me is, she didnt give a flying fig then and she still doesnt now, and i know this.. so tho it wouldnt cost me anything to tell her she is forgiven, i never ever will, and thats why sherbear i said that to you..they dont give a ff what they do to us b/c they wouldnt do it in the first place. i know if i phoned her this minute and she was busy with supply...she would say to me OH i cant be bothered with this i am busy, as she has done so many times before... i know i have rambled on but they dont deserve us and they dont deserve our forgiveness.. only we deserve our forgiveness of our selves for staying in it for so long......xxxxxxxxxx
Nov 25 - 8AM (Reply to #8)
Sherbear
Sherbear's picture

So sorry Used.

I am so sorry for that little girl that went through that and for the woman that still is affected by such callousness, from your mother. I am going thru it with my father, but we still speak. But I am putting up boundaries and he doesn't necessarily like it. Too bad after a lifetime of BS. I pray you find that forgiveness and peace inside of you and I pray the same for myself... I think you are pretty amazing and thank you for sharing.
Nov 25 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
Used
Used's picture

sherbear

hey , i am sorry for that depressing post, xmas always brings it back bigtime, just to clarify, in away i suppose i have accepted it, so i guess thats a kind of forgiveness?. but like ripples in a pond, having a mother like this, i feel set me up to be drawn to narcs, i was so used to her behavior that they were familier, nexh , narc m/f narc woman freind, wow what a glutton for punishment i was. was beign the operative word, b/c over a year nc with exh and narc and around 4mnths with woman narc...first time since i was 14, i have been narc free..and i dont say that lightly. now got 2 normal friends, my kids and grandkids and my friends on this board.. that is the best christmas present everxxxx
Nov 25 - 9AM (Reply to #10)
Sherbear
Sherbear's picture

Please don't apologize!

I'm glad that you are able to get it out and process at this time of the year. The holidays are rough for so many reasons! It sounds like you have so much to be grateful for. First time Narc free since 14!! Wow! Sounds like me! But I am finding more and more people that I am cutting off now. I will not waste my love and goodness on people that want nothing more than to use me....I want a life that is Narc free too! My dad is defiantely the one that set me up to attract narcs and toxic people all my life....but no more! You are inspiring!
Nov 24 - 11AM
jen79
jen79's picture

Sherbear

I totally understand you. Enjoy that feeling of forgivness you have now. It is a very good thing, accept it, and dont try to hate him again, to stay NC. It is true, they are a catalyst for our own journey and the love that your heart is now filled again with, is a sign that you are aligning again with your true self. You should know in your heart, that we are all connected, and you dont need to tell him, or write it, it is enough that you know and feel it in your heart. Who knows where he is vibrating at at the moment, you could get a major rebuff, when he is still somewhere low, he wont hear you, or using it again to walk all over you, which could set you back again. Leave it like this. Write a letter if you need to, and send it in your heart, dont send it though in reality. Trust that god will heal this thing without any action from your side, your emotional journey is enough. Hugs!!!
Nov 25 - 7AM (Reply to #4)
Sherbear
Sherbear's picture

So good Jen...

Thank you for your reply and you are so right. Who knows where he is at this moment....I am expecting and wanting a certain reaction that he most likely won't give me....he can't give me closure. So don't go barking up that tree again!! Right now I have the power and the upper hand and I am not giving it back to him! "is a sign that you are aligning again with your true self." Wow, those are magical words to me! I pray that is what is happenign b/c this has been very hard work!!! It's so good to see progress! "Trust that God will heal this thing without any action from your side," Wow, this is so powerful!! Without any action on my side!! How many times have done that???? Tried to fix things on my own! Let God be God and let him make wrong things right! I need to appreciate that I am still a loving and giving person, that's who I am. Thank God I have not become cold and bitter. I am just learning how to protect myself now against people and situations that like to take advantage of the goodness in people. Thank you Jen!! Happy Thanksgiving!
Nov 24 - 10AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Thank you so much...

...for the hope. I so needed to read this RIGHT NOW as I approach 21 day NC mark and the urge to contact is huge. I, too, was like you and wonder. My bar consistently lowered incrementally, pinpointing all the times I looked the other way is indeed mind boggling. In any event, I am working my way out. This gave me the boost I needed right now so very much. You've done great work SherBear. You have inspired me at a time when I am battle weary. Thank you so very much. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. Sincerely, (trying so hard to stop) spinning

spinning

Nov 25 - 7AM (Reply to #2)
Sherbear
Sherbear's picture

Spinning

Your post made me cry...Just hearing that my story gave you some hope and inspiration filled my heart with joy. This is not all in vain....thank you for saying that to me. You can do this...this board has truly saved me from contacting and I am so grateful for it. Come here when you want to contact him! Day 21 is great!!! Keep going and soon your clarity will become so bright! Have a great Thanksgiving!