just writing it out

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#1 Oct 25 - 10AM
jen79
jen79's picture

just writing it out

Before I forget it:

His texts are first giving me a feeling of fix.
After that I can sleep well.

Seems I need antidepressants.
Since my brain chemistry seem to miss something.

When he texts, I feel weird empty the next day, and I am scared, and I realize, I am the one who has wished that the whole time, that he is gone, even when I wished him near me, when I got my fix, I see, where should that go too? Him coming? NO. Relationship. NO? Love. No.

What I really want is, peace and happiness with myself. Now I am saying it and I can feel it, it is not just a sentence I write cause I know its the right thing, this is my wish who was covered through grieve.

I am just writing it out, cause maybe tomorrow, my mind is not as clear again, and I'll might not be able to remember again what happened today.

Oct 27 - 10AM
jen79
jen79's picture

ok I came to the conclusion

that my worst trigger yesterday was him texting me he feels so fucked up cause he always screwes things up with his ex, and that he has not been good with his ex and that he sabotaged the relationship. This has hit me so much, cause it shows some sort of regret, which he should not be capable of, but it is more likely that he just feels pity for himself, cause he is running out of supply. And back focus on myself before I get caught up in HIS mess, I DO NOT WANT SUCH A MAN, I do not want a man, who cannot commit and feels sorry for himself, I want to be number one in a relationship and I want to be loved without any hidden agenda, with trust, respect, I want it to be effortless, not this kind of fucked up control drama... Just holding my thoughts here...
Oct 26 - 11PM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Jen, I am concerned. I am

Jen, I am concerned. I am reading your post and responses and feel that you are suffering with severe c-ptsd that has been triggered by your reconnection with the PDI. I can see in the way you are trying to hold and express your thoughts here on the board and that you are having issues with memory, stress related anxiety symptoms, confusion etc.... These are all big flags to the us moderators and it is important that we tell you that not only must you discontinue all contact with this PDI but that you really need to seek additional therapy with someone that specializes in the area of trauma. Do you have the means to seek a trauma therapist or do you need assistance? We would be happy to help you in this search in private and please feel free to contact any moderator that you feel comfortable speaking with. Im so worried about you honey. I am going to post a few things and would like for you to look at them and see if you see a correlation to your situation. Definition c-ptsd: * Persons subjected to totalitarian systems in sexual and domestic abuse, including: o survivors of domestic battering and emotional abuse o childhood physical or sexual abuse o organized sexual exploitation. Symptoms: * Alterations in affect regulation, including: o persistent dysphoria o chronic suicidal preoccupation o self-injury o explosive or extremely inhibited anger (may alternate) o compulsive or extremely inhibited sexuality (may alternate) * Alterations in consciousness, including: o amnesia or hyperamnesia for traumatic events o transient dissociative episodes o depersonalization/derealization o reliving experiences, either in the form of intrusive post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms or in the form of ruminative preoccupation * Alterations in self-perception, including: o sense of helplessness or paralysis of initiative o shame, guilt, and self-blame o sense of defilement or stigma o sense of complete difference from others (may include sense of specialness, utter aloneness, belief no other person can understand, or nonhuman identity) * Alterations in perception of perpetrator, including: o preoccupation with relationship with perpetrator (includes preoccupation with revenge) o unrealistic attribution of total power to perpetrator (caution: victim's assessment of power realities may be more realistic than clinician's) o idealization or paradoxical gratitude o sense of special or supernatural relationship o acceptance of belief system or rationalizations of perpetrator * Alterations in relations with others, including: o isolation and withdrawal o disruption in intimate relationships o repeated search for rescuer (may alternate with isolation and withdrawal) o persistent distrust o repeated failures of self-protection * Alterations in systems of meaning: o loss of sustaining faith o sense of hopelessness and despair Please look over these symptoms and being honest with yourself, do any of the symptoms apply? This is exactly what i was when i was still involved with the PDI. I had most on the list. I know these clinical terms get a bit wordy but take the time to look at them one by one and look them up and research them. It is vital for you to understand that you are not insane or mentally disturbed. This is a real condition with that has been caused by traumatic events from the abuser. Your mind is running away on you and these symptoms are extremely debilitating and need further attention with therapy. Please let us know if we can assist you by emailing us on the home page hon. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Oct 27 - 7AM (Reply to #42)
jen79
jen79's picture

Betty thank you

I am pretty sure I have C_PTSD. I am shaking right now, the N texted me yesterday he feels so fucked up, cause he messed up with his ex, feeling rudderless. Now I am so triggered, I dont even know what is right or wrong anymore, I feel like jaycee, who always questioned her N, if he loves his whore or not, and if this is emotional abuse at all. I slept 10 hours, had nightmares. But I stood up now, called around to make some appointments that I procrastined, 2 appointments for my appartment to check the heating, and one appointment in a help center to get a coaching what carrier to chose. I called a shrink too, he didnt pick up. But I need professional help, for this is sure. Now I am writing some applications for jobs, cause next week I have to go to the institution for social help, and they will cut off my money, if I didnt apply for jobs enough. I live in germany, so yes, though I have no money, health assurance is paying psychological counceling here as well. So I can take it, if I want too. I am feeling so awfull, I just need assurance here again, is he a narc? He is right. I am not crazy.
Oct 27 - 8AM (Reply to #48)
Used
Used's picture

jen79

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.....HE IS!!... please get this out of your head ..you are not crazy... i agree with betty, he has made you ill, your suffering pdst.. its from him..i have it and so do other members.... bieng with toxic people, who play with your mind[which they do] has such a KNOCK ON EFFECT... in my case, i was taking it out of myself and self harming...if i hadnt have done that i would have done this to him.. i had a realy good day yesterday...but to day i feel so low and depressed.. partly b/c i let narc get away with things, and yet i had a narcmother and exh so i cant even say to my self this behavior was new too me...and i still put up with it...for you to get well you must get therapy and also the help you get from this board...xxxx
Oct 27 - 8AM (Reply to #43)
chickon2
chickon2's picture

Jen79

"I am feeling so awfull, I just need assurance here again, is he a narc? He is right. I am not crazy." No mama, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY Jen, please re read what Betty posted to you ok... Gentle Hugs....
Oct 27 - 9AM (Reply to #44)
jen79
jen79's picture

used and chickon2

Ok I accept that as a little set back and I accept, that therapy is necessary, and I accept that my perception of things is distorted right now. It is this kind of subtile emotional abuse, that is so hard to grasp, but I am done with questioning myself. Even if I cant get a clear thought right now, my gut is screaming, and I will listen to it. My gut was always right. He is using me as a shoulder to lean on, now that he feels like an asshole cause of his ex, and he can cover this as much as he wants in friendship, its not right, cause its not genuine. His intentions are the exploitive type. And I will concentrate this week only on job hunting, nothing more. I am so sick of this push and pull game.
Oct 27 - 11PM (Reply to #47)
apple
apple's picture

TACTICS!!

I learned this one the hard way. Under one of my posts Shaynasmommy wrote about tactics... please read it!!! He is trying to get you to feel sorry for him!! Jen, you know me and everything I went through. You must take your own advice that you gave to me and look at this objectively. He has already tried everything else on you. What else does he have left? Now he is pulling the poor me card. WHAT?? After EVERYTHING he has done to YOU. I think not!!!! Shaynasmommy said it best when she said... "They are capable of anything!!" I will find it to post for you. Love you hun!! Chin up, Ok!!
Oct 27 - 10AM (Reply to #45)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Jen

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. Remember that when Narcs need attention they will try anything to get it--if one thing doesn't work, they go for the next angle. He knows you enough to know how to f*ck with you emotionally, how to make you feel empathetic, etc. He knows just want you want or need to hear to give him the supply he needs. He's probably also sending the same sorry-ass texts to ten other women in his harem. He's a machine looking for fuel, that's all. I hope you get some time with a therapist soon my dear. xoxox
Oct 27 - 11AM (Reply to #46)
jen79
jen79's picture

wholeagain

thanks for your reply, I could even imagine, he is doing the jealousy trip to make me panick so I give in to be more submissive and to make me give in to his sexual requests. it worked before, so I guess its a tacktic, a subtile one to make me jump as he wants. And you are right, he probrably send his sorry ass texts to 100 women as well. Ughh...I am already feeling a little bit better.
Oct 26 - 8PM
moonshine
moonshine's picture

jen79

you will get through...I know how you feel.....the HURT is same even if he is in a different country or...like my narc I see everyday... You will feel better.
Oct 26 - 7PM
chickon2
chickon2's picture

Jen79

Just wanted to pass by with some Gentle hugs... Or Espresso :-)
Oct 26 - 7PM (Reply to #38)
jen79
jen79's picture

chickon2

Thanks so much sweetie, you are so sweet. Yes cant sleep, feel like shit. I just hope I make it through the next days.
Oct 26 - 9PM (Reply to #39)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

((((jen)))))

Sure you'll make it through. Emotions can be horrid but they are never fatal. You have us here, and there is nothing too silly or stupid or unimportant that we don't want to hear from you :)
Oct 26 - 2PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Jen79

I feel SO CONFUSED right now. Am I hearing you right, that you are still getting texts and responding to him about every day?
Oct 26 - 2PM (Reply to #24)
jen79
jen79's picture

Briseis

I know I feel so ashamed, I was already so far and now this, he is catching me in the morning, when I am not yet in my sane mind. I know, it is in my hands. Now I feel just confused and question myself if he is a narc at all. I am feeling like shit today, I feel that is not the right path, it is just not right. Guess thats my gut telling me, stop. I put my cell off, and I have no intention to put it on again. Right now I just want to run away from the world, I want some aliens to come and capture me and flying far away into another galaxy, no kidding. Why is it not possible to take it as it was, and not feeling empty after. He is using me right? I cannot see it anymore, he is just using me and this is all just manipulation.
Oct 26 - 3PM (Reply to #29)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Jen

Oh most DEFINITELY he is just using you, toying with you, squeezing out whatever supply he can get out of you. You need to stop giving yourself the "excuse" that you are not in your right mind in the morning. I can see this happening once or twice . . . it takes me at least 30 minutes before I'm fully functional too. But over and over again? I am sure you know this is not really "true". What's happened is that slowly bu surely you've been broken down, bit by bit by bit. Each time he texts and you respond, you lose a piece of yourself. And how you feel now is because of the loss of yourself. The more you lose of yourself, the "easier" it is to just give in and respond to his texts. IT's a vicious cycle. It happens beneath your awareness. It's like being infected by a virus. This is what HAPPENS to us, Jen. Not just YOU, because you are particularly "weak" or whatever. This is how they work on us, and how we respond :( I'm worried about you :(
Oct 26 - 3PM (Reply to #30)
jen79
jen79's picture

Briseis

I know, I just watch the text, and see did he write so terrible things, no he didnt, so this being used up and feeling weird happens on a very subconscious level. I know I am worried too, breiseis, today I feel so beside me, I didnt feel that way for long time. Its like my life is slipping out of my hands. I am so scared, I am just fear right now, dont even know why. Maybe these are his feelings I am feeling now, or does that sound mental?
Oct 26 - 4PM (Reply to #31)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Jen

I'm not there with you, so I'm going to come at it from the idea that this is a predictable response (from you) to having extended, abusive contact with your exN. Feeling lost and afraid is because contact with him has eaten you away bit by bit. Narcs take away from you, every time you have contact with them. You have lost a lot of your "self" from these contacts. The only thing to do is to end the contact, make sure it cannot happen at all (for when you feel weak) and get through the next few days. Read self help books, pray, force yourself to do "healthy" things and the lostness and fear will pass. You will come back to yourself and see for yourself how far you've gone down. That's all you can do. Thank goodness the solution is SIMPLE. The emotions however, are not. Which is why you have to pour on the self help and spiritual practises to get you through the next few days. You WILL begin to feel better. You already HAVE gotten better, you just slid downhill. You can get back up. He is poisoning you. Only you can stop letting him in. I doubt you are "mental" lol. Just very broken down by contact with the Narc.
Oct 26 - 5PM (Reply to #32)
jen79
jen79's picture

Briseis

I just talked with a buddhist on fb, who has more understanding from the teachings than I. He told me the same, he said, I am a beginner in the practice, and a toxic situation like this is too much for me, so I have to leave, I should go NC, without any explanation. He also has send me some buddhist teachings, things to read for my daily practice. But then he said, he will help me to get through this and I can ask him anytime I want to, and we should call each other next week, which again rang my alarm bell. I am not seeing again clear, I am now supsicious of everyone. Oh jesus. I pray today, that tomorrow I will feel better.
Oct 26 - 9PM (Reply to #36)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

It would have rung my alarm

It would have rung my alarm bells, too. Do you already know this person at all? Stick with us here, and WELL known and trusted friends/mentors right now. You've been through enough. You're going to be OK. It never hurts to listen to your alarm bells, right now it is always better to be safe than sorry.
Oct 26 - 6PM (Reply to #33)
jen79
jen79's picture

ok this creeps me out now

I am a freak magnet am I? This buddhist teacher now has send me the text from metallica and nothing else matters. I dont know, but I am feeling now totally lost and creepy.
Oct 26 - 6PM (Reply to #34)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

jen79

I feel the same as you...but i hope for it to get better...you will get there...we will get there....all we have is HOPE.
Oct 26 - 6PM (Reply to #35)
jen79
jen79's picture

moonshine I am so creeped out

I dont know what to say, it was a very private talk with him in buddhist terms, and now he sends me this song, I feel so creeped out...ughh
Oct 26 - 2PM (Reply to #25)
Used
Used's picture

Why is it not possible to

Why is it not possible to take it as it was, and not feeling empty after.....................b/c i believe you know in your heart that his words are empty..its leaves you feeling empty...they are just words he says to a hundred other women ,and thats only to pass the time for him....i am not making light of anything but have just remembered something from when i was married, my husband like his food, and after the meal he would always say..that was superb used, you have surpassed your self again, any way he said this again one night after eating...and i said i didnt cook it, you just picked it up from the chipshop!! i said so you churn out the same old lines not even concentrating on what has changed... your narc does the same, they all do the same and i hope one day soon you will change your number...all the things you said earlier you want from life...husband, kids, you will not only never get from him...he is actually the one stopping you doing it now...until you break free ,the husband, kids, home will always be just a dream....please you must think about yourself...he never will...
Oct 26 - 6PM (Reply to #28)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

Used and Jen

Isn't that when they just let you know they're not even tuned in to you personally, just the right thing to say out of the long list they have learned? Geesh. And Jen, I agree, it does feel so empty when you know they are just working you the same as anyone else. It is an awful feeling. But please do not feel ashamed here. I have broken NC so many times because I decided to because I am a grown up and I know full well the repercussions and I am responsible for them. We do as we feel we must to work out way out. It does have repercussions if you continue and let it break you down because they are the masters of manipulation. But sometimes it is the additional ammo we need to go NC completely. We find it as we can. I get very upset when people here feel ashamed. We are not the ones to live the repercussions you are, and if this helps you toward clarity, then you must decide this and not feel the additional remorse of guilt here. It is your path, we can tell you that NC is essential in the end but it must be your decisiveness that gets you there. These feelings of 'lost' that you have, I'm sure we have all had, I know I have, but there is life after this. Must persevere, and it will come. The more empty you feel, the more convinced you are that it is time to move on with your life. You are not alone and you do not have to move forward on anyone else's schedule - only yours. This is where you will find the most success- when you know, when you accept and when you have decided enough. almostlydia

almostlydia

Oct 26 - 2PM (Reply to #27)
jen79
jen79's picture

and that line

from your husband made me laugh loool. Sometimes they are so stupid...
Oct 26 - 2PM (Reply to #26)
jen79
jen79's picture

used

thank you! I want my family life more than anything else, and its true, he is now stopping me from getting it, cause by focusing on him, I will never come into a vibe that would attract all that.
Oct 26 - 6AM
jaycee
jaycee's picture

jen

Jen, I feel you, im so exactly the same, i get his text, i feel the high, then i feel empty and question everyword he says. i dont sleep, i toss and turn and question every stupid lie he says. it is like a high when i get it, but then the low is so low. im so tired of grieving and not being able to move on, its sucks. i will pray all of us can get over the grieving and onto the stage of indifference and not care anymore. it is difficult to get texts and then feel the dread later, worried why he text, what hes up to, why he lies etc.......i feel your pain......it sucks so much feel better and you will get stronger.....so glad to hear you will block him.........pray i get to that point soon.......jaycee

Jaycee

Oct 26 - 7AM (Reply to #15)
jen79
jen79's picture

jaycee and all of you

He always texts in the morning, waking me up, and I am so in trance, I guess thats why I answer. Today, we had a very weird conversation, and I am starting to question myself if he is a narc. N: moring germany me: morning canada N: how are you my smoking didnt stop, to low to stop me: not so well, sad and fearfull...why are you so low? N: life crazy...fearful too...what do you love about feeling fearful me: justification of not taking responsibility and staying a child...not growing up...and you? N: lots of that but if you dont love it you can stop it me: how N: you say to yourself what do I love about that feeling and starts to go away me: you mean seeing the light in the darkness N: yes seeing it is just made up N again: I love ice cream, I love feeling worthless...do things you love Me: yesterday I felt so empty N; why me: I dont know, its like standing beside me..not centered...oh N...I need to find a job but I am so scared to lose myself in a mediocre life..and I cant see my path what carrier to chose..I so admire you for always following your passion...how to let go the fear that blocks N: What is the passion..the thing you want? make a Wouldnt if be nice if List for work, love. Start the movement inside me: The list is a good idea. And how to start the movement inside? With seeing the light in the fear that frozes me? N: No the list does it. eg: wouldnt it be nice if I had a loving supportive relationship etc.. me: This list does it, maybe it shifts my focus from dark to light. Sounds so Ambraham Hicks like, do you read law of attraction? N: yes need to read it again me: why are you so low? N: no boobs...haha just kidding, feeling old and useless. me: you are helping me, so you are not useless.But I know what you mean. Do you have the feeling you always have to proof yourself as a justification for just excisting? Comes from our psycho fathers. N: you are pretty And yes crazy man in head. Then I told him about inner child and inner parent therapy...and he went to sleep. I am now very confused...tell me, this is just an act? Tell me he does that to gain someting out of it.
Oct 26 - 1PM (Reply to #22)
chickon2
chickon2's picture

Jen79

All these texts would make me nutty... I just wanted to pass by and give you some hugs.. AND You will do this.. you will break free.. You will..