just writing it out

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Oct 26 - 8AM (Reply to #16)
Used
Used's picture

jen79

am now very confused...tell me, this is just an act? Tell me he does that to gain someting out of it.OH jen love...yes he is still a narc and yes its all an act... he was bored, so he dumped on you..he is worthless and then some...OH AND HIS FRIENDAN SLIP....he misses your boobs, nothing more ..the narc was fond of being "profound"... usually when he was bored shitless[i didnt know that then] and then you say so gently...and he went to sleep please please, understand what this is all about and its about him.... you will never heal if you continue to engage with this man...dont you relize he is actually stopping you getting your life back.....if you both live so far apart what is the point anyhow.... why dont you change your number and delete his.....yesterday you sounded so positive....he doesnt care about your inner child only his own...which he never intends to change...he was having a shit day, dumped it on you and went to sleep......doesnt this ring any alarm bells with you...
Oct 26 - 8AM (Reply to #17)
jen79
jen79's picture

used I guess I have stockholm syndrome

I get your point, and I am relieved you knock some sense into me. I was confused, cause he never asked about how I am. This is the first time he didnt write JUST about getting to see my boobs...so I guess I have stockholm syndrome.... This BS needs to stop. I will till I have my app, put my cell off in the moring, so he cant catch me again when I am sleeping.
Oct 26 - 8AM (Reply to #18)
Used
Used's picture

jen79

I was confused, cause he never asked about how I am. This is the first time he didnt write JUST about getting to see my boobs...so I guess I have stockholm syndrome oh isnt he a clever bastard,, he thinks i will ask jen how she is ,i have never done that before and then lead into the boob remark...to see how she takes it..... it makes a maggot seem like a beutiful thing... and we all know how slippery and slimey maggots are.... i will be so glad when you get your app.....and you say you had an epiphany yesterday..... if you want to read what i have written about feeling peace and tranqulity.... please read it and know that someday you to can be there....yes i still have bad days...but thats life anyway isnt it?xxxx
Oct 26 - 8AM (Reply to #19)
jen79
jen79's picture

used

Oh god, he just tried another stragedy!!!! Oh this is so disgusting.
Oct 26 - 8AM (Reply to #20)
Used
Used's picture

jen79

yes he played you, and he always will... its called ..... BUTTEREING PEOPLE UP..my exh and narcs FORTE its about getting to know when to push when to not..... i have heard this sweet talk all my life.... now when someone says something and i think they dont usually show that much interest... i wait for the PUNCHLINE... and i am never dissappointed..lol.... you have to vet and dissectand think about every word they say.....its to much hard work.....you need to be with genuine people...not these make believe people who always always have another agendaxx
Oct 26 - 9AM (Reply to #21)
jen79
jen79's picture

used

I know this stragedy and I totally get it when I see it from outside with other people, but when I am part of it, it is soo hard to grasp it. Its like blindness for your own case, I think thats why most psychics cant give any advice for people they love and for their family, then they are blind...I guess its the same way for me.
Oct 25 - 6PM
jen79
jen79's picture

I dont know

If I am clear or having a high, I dont feel like having a high, the only thing I know today I asked myself what on earth do I really want, who am I? I know I want a different life than this, I dont want a replacement for him with a happy end, I want a complete different way of living. I want peace. And now I feel like I have wasted a lot of time in grief, for a thing that deep in me I didnt want anyway. So for that part, I feel very clear today, and thats why I write it down here, cause who knows how I feel tomorrow. I will block him next month, then I can buy again this app for my phone.
Oct 26 - 3AM (Reply to #13)
girlfriday
girlfriday's picture

You are so getting there. I

You are so getting there. I can feel it. I was watching Intervention tonight. The poor, heroin-addicted gal was killing herself--hacking up blood-- but truly felt that she couldn't live without her "black tar heroin." Well, OF COURSE she could live without it. In fact, she could only THRIVE without it. It's so obvious from the outside. And it's the same with us and Ns. The interventionist kindly said to her, "I know. It's like your best friend. But your best friend is killing you." It's such a paradox that the cause of all of that pain is the very thing that temporarily makes the pain go away. So you got your fix, and now you're coughing up a little blood. But still, you have a lot of clarity, despite texting him, which will serve you well. Time and distance will take care of the rest.
Oct 25 - 9PM (Reply to #12)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

the wise say

the wise say "peace is with in you". I am trying to find it.
Oct 25 - 3PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Block his number

Save yourself from this cycle of "fix, then emptiness" Save yourself from the aftereffects where you mind is not as clear as normal. I don't really buy that your mind is all that "clear" right after the fix, anyway :( . Using the addiction metaphor, you are "high", not clear. Does that make sense?
Oct 25 - 11AM
chickon2
chickon2's picture

Jen79

Amiga I am feeling exactly the same.... AND do you respond to his texts?
Oct 25 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
jen79
jen79's picture

and I realize

that all I want is a peacefull life, with someone who is grounded in earth, someone where I feel secure, I want peace, for so long I missed this drama and passion and thought I will never experience again this excitement, and now I see, that is not me anyway. I want peace. I want a normal job, I want life with husband, kids, a dog, a cat, and two vacations a year, and family around me with with grandmas and sisters and nephews. I think I had an epiphany.
Oct 25 - 3PM (Reply to #7)
Used
Used's picture

think I had an epiphany.

you have jen....this is how it happened to me... i was home thinking of the chaos i got when i was with narc....the drama the excitement...... then thought and i dont want it anymore, cos its ok to be on the rollercoaster until you keep getting sick...and instead of the the excitment i felt when i was going to see him, it became anxiety. and instead of excitiment waiting for a text , i felt dread, and i relized i wanted, peace and tranquilty... instead of mayhem and murder... welcome back to the land of the living jen.....you are now on that journey that will setyou free....love used
Oct 25 - 11PM (Reply to #9)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Dread

I remember this too :( . I remember the day it hit me that I felt DREAD right around ten thirty PM, that is when he was due home from work. One should not feel DREAD when one's husband was about to appear. As far as yearning for peace, I completely relate with that, too. I have concluded that is what I always wanted, was peace. Not to be a size four or super successful and well known, uber creative and celebrated for it. I wanted that feeling of peace. In the last year I've felt it more than ever, and wondered why I used to think I wanted any thing else.
Oct 25 - 11PM (Reply to #8)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

Used

So perfectly said. this was it exactly. when the excitement became dread, over and over again. I find this amazing- hearing this need for 'peace' again and again here because I have never felt the need for it so much in my life as I did in this experience. In fact, I'm not so sure I ever even had to think about it before this experience. It became the driving force in my life - having peace. almostlydia

almostlydia

Oct 25 - 12PM (Reply to #5)
chickon2
chickon2's picture

Jen79

EVERYTHING you want is attainable and doable.. Get a chick list out, and start writing it down.. Look through magazines.. Cut out pics of things you want.. Post them somwhere.. I visualize.. I dunno maybe it will help you too.. THe addiction with actor.. Will go away.. WHEN you make the decision, and when you start making the steps.. I KNOW easier said than done.. I am super busy 3 jobs, 2 kids class of something everyday.. AND I still think abot the tool.. So i can just imagine.. So you take it half hour by half hour.. half hour passed, no contact.WAHOOO..do a dance. and so on and so forth.. It takes a lot from your part.. I know b/c i did it with my EXH and WHY the Frig am I not putting my foot down with this joker is beyond me BUT your post has lit a fire in my gut and I am getting pissed off YAY Ok back to you.. The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie saved my butt. Need to dust it off again, myself.. Give a twirtl.. It may do some good.. It can't hurt. AND I think there comes a time, where we have to get educated about these jokers.. BUT sometimes I think we have enough info under our belts to know that they are not playing with a full deck, and we may have to put the ENTIRE focus on our well being.. B/c RIGHT this second, I could kick myself for allowing myself not to be my usual stong self with this a$$clown :-) Get some goals.. Or maybe we can start a goal thread? or maybe it is all here already.. I am new dunoo. The mind F'ing they did to us, is not fair.. It is not just, we can not wrap our brain around it.. BUT we do have to accept it happend.. Why? who knows.. let's choke it up , that it happend as a lesson we have to learn, and this happening to us will eventually be one of the best things that has happend to us b/c God/or whatever higher power you believe in, is holding us in the palm of their hands waiting for us to call out and say.. OK I NEED YOU.. HELP ME BREAK THIS TOXIC CHAIN ... ANd it will be broken.. I am a big believer of put what you want out there in the universe, do good, be kind to others, be honest and things will fall into place. It may not always fall into place in a shiny wrapped up solution. but it will fall into place. It makes me sad to read stuff we write .. B/c we are so much more than this SHITTE that happend to us.. WE ARE SO MUCH MORE................
Oct 26 - 6PM (Reply to #6)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

chickon2

Thanks for the post. It helped me much. i am stuck in the thinking too.
Oct 25 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
jen79
jen79's picture

chickon2

I know I should not have, but I did, to get some things out, I told him that the psychic priest said he will die early, and that he should take care for himself, and I told him that his father is a psychopath and his inner trouble comes from him (this is true). I know this was a mistake, he wrote friendship blahblah and in the same move asked for a pic of my face, so its all bs... So I dont feel bad about having told him, what was in me, I had the feeling I had to. But I do feel very weird now, left with a very weird empty feeling. It is like I got my fix, so for today my brain has normal chemistry again, so I can see things clearly and I can hear my inner voice again, which I cant hear, when I am in the middle of pain. So I dont like the feeling, I just see now, what I have to do now, is jobhunting and taking care of myself, that is my journey now to do. To get a normal life again. So it pains me that the grief has frozen me for so long to do things for myself. Why did I miss somthing, that I didnt want anyway...weird werid.
Oct 25 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

I've asked myself that

I've asked myself that question a million times, 'why do I miss something that hurt so much, all the time?' I don't know the answer still. If you do not have a journal, I would highly recommend it. It has helped me so much, I would never have thought how much a difference it makes. I have been keeping one for many years and it helped me figure out so much about the exN in the midst of things. Also, what happened to me when he was still texting was exactly the same thing but you know what happened? I would be ok for a day or so and then would get all upset over NOT hearing from him, even though I had prayed a long time for silence and to be let go. It was a crazy bad cycle that had to be broken because I was like a yo yo. The only way to break it is to end it, disconnect and know that he can't contact you anymore because you have made the decision to end it and block all contact. We all do this when we are ready and you will know when that is. almostlydia

almostlydia