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confused123's story

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#1 Jul 27 - 5AM
confused123
confused123's picture

confused123's story

Help for one confused girl??

Hi there ! I think ive discovered today after much confusion , hearache and sadness , what the heck is going on with my , now EX !

I met him 2 yers ago - he was EVERYTHING i wanted in a man, I met him on an internet forum and we hit it off instantly ! at the time , i didnt know he was making plans with a girl in australia to meet up and go on holiday in a years time - I noticed them flirting alot online and questioned it , and he said nothing was going on - they were just flirting when he was single and shes a bit obscessed …. so ok , i dismissed it ! … Feb on this forum she attacked me for being with him basically ! I had no clue !! He hadnt told her he was seeing me and the plans they made had gone down the drain … i didnt find this out untill all became revealed and he had told a lie! …..

So when we met online - he was EVERYTHING i envisioned - we chatted he said he wanted kids in the future , what his definition of being in love was , and it was my image too !! …. 2 months down the line , i had already fallen totally inlove with this man - he dropped the bombshell on me that he doesnt think he could see me and him committed because he wouldnt be able to accept my son , its too much , but he loves what we have (Long distance , once a fornight) and could do this forever …. so of course i wasnt happy , i felt reeled in , and as soon as i let my barriers down that he dropped it on me ! …. So of course i hoped he would change down the line , and we could stay as we were for a while - dating ….

He then tells me a month after he has a child which he has never seen , he was tricked into a pregnancy - and he ran whilst preg and this was the reason he couldnt accept my son …. i loved this man unconditionally and accepted what he had told me , even though i didnt agree with what he had done , being a loving mother myself !!! … i hoped again we could work on these issues , and i suggested counselling ?? He said we will see , and has never bothered , and i dont think has any intention of doing !! …..

his dad also died when he was 13 , he looked after his mother when he died , and she admitted to me new years eve that noone was ever there for him - she was so in love everyone looked after her !! she too said he needed counselling - what is weird though , is she only admits this infront of me ?? I was once there at her house and when i was sat next to him whilst he was worrying about his job , whether he would work abroad - i was 18 motnhs into a relationship with him , and its like i never existed even though i was sat there !!! … hes there at her every whim - she lives on a “bad” estate apparantly , and rings him if there is a fire across the road for example ! hes there in an instant stressed , and even though he has offered her to move into his untill she gets a move she wont !! yet he stayed there for a week the other week and said there was no probs whilst she was away ??? …. also , she never encourages him to pursue a relationship , and i was apparantly “the love of his life” … as soon as theres a bumpin the road , she tells him to be friends with me ….

Anyway , the main traits i had had this year with this background info - he wants a long distance relationships forever and have felt hes dangling me , he cant accept my son - we were bed buddies at some point last year when we broke up for 2 months - when we broke up i started to move on , as soon as i did he told me he was in love with me and wanted to do more stuff with me and my son - quality time - we got back together but still said he couldnt be committed and it was too tough , everytime i defend myself and try to communicate our relationship im told im attacking and battering him - he told me being around my son makes him physically sick - i went through a traumatic experience with my son this year , and he said it was too much to emotionally handle - his little mind cant take it in (sometimes he talks like a baby and hes 37 !!!!) - he continually asks me why is it only me who has a problem with the way he is - and my responce is because your friends are not as intimate as me , and dont expect the same sort of love !! - he responds , oh yeah ! i must be mental then ! your psychology degree is really paying off huh ? I say to him i dont have a degree on HIM! i tell him how I feel and EVERYTHING goes back to him ! and how he feels , “the poor me’s” - i felt totally emotionally isolated … that is the major stuff of our relationship …

lastly , we broke up 4 weeks ago - because he had arranged to see his friends in scotland without inviting me and keeping it secret for 6 weeks ! I saw his friend counting down on msn , and wondered if he had been making me out to be bad to her for wanting more out the relationship and i hadnt been invited !! I was Hurt ! …. he cried all week when i was asking for the truth , and i think its because he didnt get away with lying , im a bright person !! … he told me i was attacking again and broke us up … he said he was taking time out and turning his phone off - my friends said he HAD a new number … however his walking away lasted a day and he was texting every 24 hours swapping sims it looks like - he still hasnt admitted a new sim card ! he says he wants us to be friends , which i agreed to - and vry hard i might add , because HE keeps constantly telling me to move on when im trying , yet can get nasty and laugh psychotically down the phone at me when i get upset about something or defend myself from his verbalness at times !! he tells me i was a massive part of his life , but he enjoys being on his own more , says i battered him and attacked him for 2 years !! So why does he want me in his life as a friend ?? i tell him im going off doing my own stuff , and he gets defensive and tries to act hes pleased for me - but at the same time acts peed off ! Is he a narcissist?? I have been over and over his selfishness the last 3 weeks and think i may understand now ! I also feel him and his mum’s closeness is almost unhealthy ! … i always felt second best … help i dont know what to do anymore regarding contact as he continually says even now the relationship ended coz it wasnt right for him - yet i did everything a GF could ?? love etc and loyalty ??

His mum still does his washing for him as he lives in a flat , and one time she said she had a dream she was dying , and all she could think when she woke up was who will do his washing !!! he also said to me one time when we were talking about our future - when his mam goes it will be a lonely life and it doesnt seem nice being alone ….. he also asked me to move closer to him new years eve …. which i was thrilled about considering his issues !! … a week later he said well is it a good idea? we may not stay together ?? …. i said to him thanks for the optimism ! …. i got told off for attacking … again !!! … lastly the other week , he told me i was obscessed ! even though its him who reads MY social networking sites ! … when were talking as mates too , he always says to me when we are talking about our previous relationship , that i want to get back together and havent accepted !!! I dont even incline that !! is he enjoying this ? He says things like - i showed you great opportunities such as taking me abroad to concerts (even though i was doing that before i met him) ... compares himself against my Sons father - who was a loser , and tries to convince me how amazing he was compared to him - he also drills into me " when IM working , i will understand how hard it is working a 40 hour week and needed HIS own time at the weekends .... errrr hello ?? i used to do 5am starts as a single mother and also completed a degree as a single mum whilst with him ?? i know what hard work is !! .... is he a narcissist?? I also notice the more i back off the more he is in touch , as a "friend" Thanks - sorry for raving an essay LOL! xxx

Jul 28 - 6AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

NO CONTACT

NO CONTACT!! Let the machine pick up your calls and if its him DON'T ANSWER. then ERASE the message without listening. If you do pick up and it's him - simply hang up... no explanation just HANG UP. NO CONTACT NO CONTACT Unless you want to stay confused and in emotional pain and enjoying letting this creep play head games with you. ZERO CONTACT! ************************* The No-No List If you’re trying to get over a breakup there are things you SHOULD be doing: you should be taking care of yourself, you should be eating right, sleeping, exercising; you should be affirming yourself every single day and building that self esteem; you should be finding support and new friends and interests. You should be writing in your journal and figuring out goals and where you go from here. That is how you get where you are going (to a GREAT life!). BUT there are things that are NO NOs if you want to get there. These can be tough to swallow if we’re used to acting out and doing whatever the heck our feelings tell us to do. But it’s time for a CHANGE. It’s time to be a mature, healthy person who has self-control and self-restraint and MOST OF ALL—-SELF RESPECT! Taking care of YOU and avoiding common entanglements with your ex are KEY to having a happy and healthy future with someone much better. They might be a bit tough to swallow and hard NOT to do, but they are the key to feeling better, faster. DIS-ENTANGLE. You will thank yourself later for it. We’ve talked about being friends with the ex: NO. We’ve talked about all these at one time or another but here they are again, more classic entries on the No No list The No-Contact Rule The most important no-no is No Contact. In this technological age, it is easy to reach out and touch someone. But that does not mean that you should or that it’s a good thing because when you are trying to get over a breakup, it’s not. Don’t mistake grief for love. It’s normal and natural to grieve even if the relationship was the worst relationship in the world. Don’t let your grief cause you to second guess your feelings. Even if you do still love him or her, you don’t have to act on it. You don’t have to make contact or find ways to see the other person. Grief is a long, hard process and often contact will seem like it temporarily alleviates the pain. But it does not really alleviate it; it just postpones the inevitable. If you have children, treat it like a business relationship. No dramatic scenes, no using the children as pawns and no carrying on in front of the children. Read the “Children and Breakups” Chapter and start acting like an adult. Other than exchanges about the children, the “no contact” rule applies. The No-“I have to have closure” Rule The first rule about “closure” is to stop saying the word. It’s a meaningless word and is often bandied about as an excuse to stay in touch with the ex. What happens at the end of grieving is best described as “acceptance” or “integration” or “reorganization” but it’s not described as closure. You can’t “get” closure, you can’t insist on closure. Closure happens when you least expect it, when you realize you’ve done your work and moved on, and it happens from inside you. You don’t need to know what your ex thinks or why you ex did a, b, or c to move on. If you want closure you need to do your grief work, integrate the experience into your life and turn the page. Your “closure” is your responsibility. You get closure by doing your work, not by re-engaging and dredging up more stuff. You get closure by keeping yourself safe, being good to yourself and un-attaching from that which you have been attached. The only closure you can hope for is the closure that comes from inside you. The person who hurt you cannot give you closure, nor should you want them to or expect them to or give them that kind of power. You need to move on from where you are for you. Closure is part emotional work and part decision. At some point you need to turn the page and decide it’s over. Closure is your deal and yours alone. When you’ve done the grief work, worked through your inventories and made a decision to move on, that is closure. Closure happens for you and inside you. And only you. You get it from within, never from without. The “No Trying To Make Sense of It All” Rule During the breakup, there is usually some inclination to “set the record straight” or to confront the ex on all the stupid things that he or she said to you. You might not understand where this breakup came from. You might not understand how that last fight led to “it’s over”. You might think you did nothing wrong and you are the best thing that ever happened to your ex. This all seems wrong and unnecessary. You might think back on the relationship and realize your ex said that you were the best thing ever and how much you were loved. Then it was over. Your head reels with incomprehension. How could this be? How could this person say A one day and B the next day? What is really going on with them? Is it something else and they are taking it out on me? How do they think this breakup is going to be a good thing? You might think that if you can just talk some sense into your ex, all will be alright. The temptation to set the record straight is a strong one. After a breakup there are usually a lot of “why”s. Your ex may have said things that do not make any sense to you. You may have heard illogical or un-reasoned explanations that go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. You ruminate on the things your ex said and figure out the reasons why your ex is simply wrong.about everything. You start to imagine and believe that you can have a conversation and turn this wrong-headedness around. Avoid those thoughts. If your ex is thinking stupidly or wrongly, then accept the fact that you have been with someone whose way of thinking is incompatible with yours. (possibly personality disordered) The No-More-Arguments Rule Sometimes people continue to contact each other to tell each other everything they think of them. Once you breakup, there should not be much more to say. If the ex decides that they would like to tell you every thing they think of you (often on a continuing basis), shut it down. Avoid doing the same. Yes, you’re hurt. Yes you have things you would like to say. Yes there are arguments you would still like to have …. and WIN. Don’t do it. Disengage from the ex’s thinking. Allow them their ridiculous thinking even if they are rewriting history. Allow them to blame it all on you or your family or the fact that it was Tuesday or that it was raining. No matter how far our or inconceivable it is, let them have that version of things. Detach from what they think or why they think it. Just let it go. So long as you hold onto and try to manage this “wrong headed” person, you are not going to find the person who is “right-headed” enough for you. Let it go. The “No Sex With The Ex” Rule People not only try to communicate to stay in touch and avoid finishing their unfinished business, they often connect in a physical way. Emotions are running high when you see your ex and every part of you sits up and takes notice. You might mistake your heightened awareness and sensitivity for physical connection. You also might just be lonely and think what the hell. You know each other, you know what sex is like with each other. What’s one more go-round? While breakup sex seems like fun, it comes with confusion and more complications and is, therefore, another no-no. Even if you have a terrific time, you will end up feeling confused and maybe even used, at the very least you have postponed the inevitable–you’ve got to say goodbye. If it’s dead, bury it. Don’t sleep with it. The No-Rebound Rule If the ex has found a new love, it makes our being alone that much more difficult. You may be tempted to throw yourself into a new relationship or to date a lot. Sometimes this eases the initial pain but eventually you need to stop, commit to spending some time alone to do your work and move out of Rebound City. Know that another relationship is not going to help until you grieve this one. Everyone does the “rebound” relationship once or twice in their life but it’s usually not the best thing. When that ends, you now have two relationships, instead of one, to grieve. The “No Avoiding Being Alone” Rule The best thing to do after a breakup is to take time for yourself before your next relationship. People have trouble doing this sometimes, thinking they are never going to be in a relationship again or that no one is every going to want them. Even people who have gone from one relationship to another somehow fear that they are never going to have anyone again. The idea now should be taking a break from relationships and learning to heal yourself and put yourself on the right track. Avoiding being alone is one of the things that is going to keep you from finding your own strength and your ability to construct a well-designed life. You need to spend time with family and friends and meet new people (new friends/contacts) but you also need to learn to bask in your aloneness. Yes, bask. It’s NOT BOREDOM. It’s NOT LONELINESS. IT’S PEACE! The sound you hear is no one bugging the crap out of you. ENJOY the sounds of silence. Make peace with the peace. It will serve you well in your next relationship. Give yourself time and attention and construct that well-designed life that you richly deserve. Leave the ex in the dust and GET ON WITH LIFE!!! from this GREAT site http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2007/06/26/the-post-breakup-no-... ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 27 - 6AM
justwantpeace
justwantpeace's picture

Hang in there. Flirting is

Hang in there. Flirting is a big part of the territory. My stbx flirted even in front of me. He thought it was funny. Its not and its very degrading to you.
Jul 27 - 6AM (Reply to #24)
confused123
confused123's picture

Thanks ! The girls who

Thanks ! The girls who flirted with him on the forum hurt me , i had met many in real life, and it was almost as if i never existed as his GF! .... When i got annoyed about it and asked him to tell them to stop he got annoyed , said im insecure and hes sick of being attacked , he still tries bringing it up now as "mates" even when i dont ask about it and says how i attacked him in the relationship! ... Is he a narcissist?? Does anyone think he has a disorder? ... I always knew there was something i couldnt quite put my finger on - for example why he continually told me he loved me and brought flowers etc , yet was so selfish as all ive said ?
Jul 27 - 6AM
confused123
confused123's picture

Can i also add , im sick to

Can i also add , im sick to death of hearing the line "this is me and you wont change me :D " when i dont even incline doing so ??
Jul 27 - 7AM (Reply to #2)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Confused 123

Thanks for sharing your story. Your guy is a head case ,join the club . One minute they are confessing love to you and in the next breath they are kicking you out the door . This happened 3 times to me in the last year . The narcissits world revolves around them , not us . You may have found the times you stuck up for your self was the times he treatened the relationship or even kicked you out ,this is normal behaviour for a narcissist ,if you read the post here there are many of us dealing with the same situation. There is only one way to go from here and that is no contact with him .Cut him out of your life .His constant calling just to remind you he dumped you and you are just friends is what my Ns did for 3 weeks after the relationship ended . Its called narcissist suply .In other words they "get off on it " .A normal man would respect your time to heal , a narcissist never wants you to heal and thats the diffrence . I am into week 4 of no contact . Stay here read the post , you may have to change your number as the british moible system wont block numbers from mobile to mobile . and blocking emails i think is only possible from hotmail accounts although i am wating to find this out from my house mate ,i will keep you posted .Deleat him off MSN ,face book ,my space . It may seem drastic and almost impossible to do but if you are dealing with a narcissist the reasons for doing this will become clear as you read and learn about the condition in detail . Im so sorry you have had this terrible time with this man ,lord knows i know that you are going through . hang in there and read everything on the subject thats my advice Big Hugs and keep posting and asking questions , this site is the only way i have kept going this past month . Peru x
Jul 27 - 8AM (Reply to #22)
confused123
confused123's picture

and this - where it goes

and this - where it goes back to his pity ........ N - xx says: i know mr right is there , and you will see the difference between him and me and you will actually look to me and go mmmmmm it really wasnt right me knows as he wont push back he will absord you as HIS life for now get out there and show off that amazing thing that is called confused123 x Confused123 says: hunni , i do thankyou i know im amazing dont need justification but compliments are always accepted :P N- xx says: i just hope i have brought something apart from hurt into you life x as is the last thing i wanted to do xz and actually thats what hurts x Confused123 says: oh well , too late to look back sweet , onwards and upwards for me :) x ................... WOW! IT HURTS TO BE SO STRONG ! BUT I KNOW I HAVE O BE OR HE WILL FEED OFF ME !!!!
Jul 27 - 8AM (Reply to #20)
confused123
confused123's picture

Could i also paste some of

Could i also paste some of this convo off msn , literally an hour ago , and tell me what you think ??? okay , awww ok i wont pass your number ;) was thinking i could play cupid there , hehe x N - xx says: no hun ... im doing just fine x Confused123 says: good , me too! N - xx says: x Confused123 says: maybe you were right x N- xx says: about what sweetie? x Confused123 says: me and you , nothing could have happened , and to be happy , i think you were right now about us breaking up x N - xx says: awwwwwww x i was hunni x end of the day .. x we are amazing mates x i love you to bits x i just couldnt help falling deeply in love with you x Confused123 says: thats okay ! N xx says: there was just no end x Confused123 says: at least you were honest in the end!! N - xx says: i hope i brought and will contiunue to bring some happiness to your life x and i hope you know im always here x as much as i can be x x confused123 says: thanks! x WTF ????
Jul 27 - 10AM (Reply to #21)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

by the way this msn is a

by the way this msn is a crock of shit i have re read it , there is great contradiction there , mixed messages designed to fuck with your head "i hope i brought some happiness to your life x and i hope you know im always there " all sounds great yes ? but then he said as the final stab "as much as i can be " ouch! exsactly what my freakoid ns did to me my ns said "i will always love you , i will always care for you , i will always be there for you " sounds lovely eh? but then the finaly punch "as a friend " That was the 3rd time he dumped me in 2 days . and this was after i went no contact , the emails just kept coming ! Peru x
Jul 27 - 7AM (Reply to #3)
confused123
confused123's picture

Thanks Peru xx Its so hard

Thanks Peru xx Its so hard though hun ! Ive tried so many times , and hes like a drug to me - if i dont have my fix of contact i feel like im addicted ! hes like a drug , and i know what this man is now doing , and i feel detached even more ... but what is that thing that keeps us hanging on ?? Hes just messaged me actually asking me to text him when i get in from my night out on sat with the girls ! coz "he worries" .... why does he worry ??? im really so confused ! all my friends have said no contact too , even before i realised hes a complete headcase ! I was naive and just pittied his issues , thinking i could help him , and that he loved me ... its so confusing ! Im so glad i found this site , coz i thought I!!! was the one going nuts ! xxx
Jul 27 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

MSN

Oh my , that msn message is a copy of 20 messages i have had with my ns ovver the last year . Heres what i think its all about , When he kicks you away he feels powerful , fullfilled and full up . He loves the fact that you want him this much ,it makes him feel fantastic . It is a drug , but they have made you dependent on them , read how they do it . A decent man would only dump you once , how ever hard it is to take thats what they do . They then leave you to get over it . THEY DO NOT KEEP DUMPING YOU OVER AND OVER AGAIN. The clues are there . this is exsactaly what my ns did , at the second break up it was becoming a running joke with my house mate , he would come home and ask "how many times have you been dumped today ?" It wasnt funny at the time and its still not but it opened my eyes to what was really going on . He tryed to do it this time around but i found this site and cut him off . It is a sick and twisted game . Last week i got the i want to see you email from him . He wants to see me to dump me again as he hasnt had his feed in a while . What is his motervation for doing this i really dont know . My ns will come back for more and i expect your ns will come back for more . Keep reading , Do not contact him or talk to him , dont worry what he thinks about this , i worryed that my ns would know i was just too upset that i couldnt talk to him and this made me mad , i wanted to do the bright and breezy conversations saying "im fine all is well and the break up was for the best " but i didnt . I walked away with out a word . My trick is when i feel like an MSN conversation with him i come here and i write here to the girlfriends (and boyfriends ). please post anything you like , more msn messages, emails , or your thoughts and questions . i posted some of his emails up here and it really helped to get other peoples point of view , all at diffrent stages of recovery. Big hugs peru x
Jul 27 - 11AM (Reply to #5)
confused123
confused123's picture

Thanks peru hunni xx I will

Thanks peru hunni xx I will respond in more depth tomorrow , i have to say that he arranged to met me as a mate on the 6th .... ive just told him on msn this, that i dont wanna talk about our previous relationship etc , and still never got a straight answer!! .... Confused123 says: i dont wanna talk about us x ok ? x just get on as mates x i dont want the bollocks of what went wrong , onwards and upwards is all N- xx says: i hope we can x we will see hunni x Why could he give a straight answer like errr , YES !??
Jul 27 - 2PM (Reply to #6)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

confused123

First, welcome - please click on MESSAGE BOARD on the left and read through all the back pages. ALL of them - because many of your questions have already been asked and answered YOU MUST GO NO CONTACT ON HIM NOW BLOCK his emails BLOCK all his IMs BLOCK him from reading your Facebook, MySpace, etc (AND DO NOT READ HIS) DELETE all texts without reading DELETE all voicemail without listening DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR TO HIM DO NOT GO WHERE HE MIGHT BE NO CONTACT!! some reading for you: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/29/falling-love-unavailable-person http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2007/01/one-technique-used-by-abusers-sensibly.html http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com/2006/12/lures-of-online-predator.html http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com/2008/05/pick-up-artist.html Here's my story... http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/07/22/barbaras-story NO CONTACT and slowly the FOG In your mind about him will clear. YOU DESERVE BETTER. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 27 - 5PM (Reply to #7)
confused123
confused123's picture

Ok and i will x thanks x he

Ok and i will x thanks x he tells me i love argueing.... i dont know where he gets this from ,im exhausted and a shell running on empty but trying my best out of pity ! x
Jul 27 - 5PM (Reply to #8)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

confused123

WHO CARES what he tells you or WHAT he says... somethings wrong with him - you will NEVER NEVER get a straight answer from him... you are worth more and MUST go COMPLETE & TOTAL NO CONTACT with him. the more you obsess & have contact with him the more he will confuse you... he will NEVER NEVER NEVER say what you want or need to hear. CUT HIM OFF - COMPLETELY & FOREVER. you can NOT be friends with this man, you can NOT have the last word, you can NOT make him see reason... just block him block him and do not talk to him or his friends. BLOCK him off all your social networking sites and don't worry. Whatever his disorder, his types tend to land on the feet rather quickly. The very FACT he didn't want to deal with YOUR SON speaks volumes about him. RUN AWAY & STAY AWAY from this creep. Please click on Message Board and read back to about page 20 and everything in between. NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 28 - 6AM (Reply to #9)
confused123
confused123's picture

thanks

Thanks girls , well yesterday he rang me , and i mentioned how different his voice sounded on a home fone compared to a mobile .... i said it reminded me of when he was in italy (when we first met) ... he literally flew off the handle at me and told me i was attacking him about our breakup again! WTF??? So anyway the following msn went like this ..... Confused123 says: so do you wanna explain why you always think im getting at you ? im completely lost hun as to why you would think that about me ? N- xx says: hey missyyyyyyyyyy x ohh god here we go again x Confused123 says: errr no hun i just want you to know im not getting at you!! n- says: every single day x i was ILL last night x eventually ill walk away x i CANT take it x so we either get on with life or we walk x im not going through this time and time again x ok your not x so great x all good x Confused123 says: ok , well i just want you to know , no i wouldnt pick on you , when i was on about you voice on the house phone it reminded me of when you went to italy ! it sounded the same ! i have every right to justify myself when you flew off on one at me?? n- xx says: ok thats fine then x i just want to say ... x if i feel that way over and over again ill have to go out of your life x i seriously cant take it x i was ill hun x im delicate , im not used to battling x Confused123 thats upto you hun , but maybe you shouldnt take everything i say to heart ? particuarly a convo sation justabout your voice on a housefone!! whats to take to heart about that ? you jumped down my throat!! Nxx says: ok , i was exhausted by that point hun x it was 10.30 at night i was wrecked x ok? i was up at 6.10 today Nxx says: please think of that sometimes x we argue at 10.30 , i harldy sleep x how many times have i said this?? x Confused123 says: hun - i wasnt argueing though i dont know why you flew off at me you think too N xx says: ok lets move on x lunch x x confused123 says: right ok , well i just wanted you to know that i wasnt attacking , i have no clue why you think i was , and wanted to explain like i have a right too N xx says: ok i must have mental issues then to think that x lunch x back soon x love you x confused123 says: hun but i only mentioned how diff you sound on a house fone and italy!!! what do you all think to that ??? ...... i havent contacted him today btw , im getting to the point im exhausted...
Jul 28 - 7AM (Reply to #10)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

I have engaged in

I have engaged in conversations like this before the first and second time we broke up . When that barrier goes up in a ns there is NOTHING you can say to change it . It a defence from them that is deep seated in them . You proberly touched a major nurve in him that took him to an uncomfortable place ie reality lol. Stop all contact . You havnt spoken to him today which is very good , its the start . I counted the days and posted on here what i was feeling. Call today "day one" (like big brother ). It is hard to do , that is an understatement , i slipped up and msn my ns . Actualy Msn is a terrible way to comunicate with anyone . I always found my ns said the most outragious things because we wernt face to face . It gave him free range to be down right rude . When i slipped up and contacted him i had learnt so much from reading about the ns that it was like talking to someone i had a very big secret about . Did it help ? hmm yes in so much to say it made me realise how sick he was . Take it a day , maybe even an hour at a time . It does empower . Im in to week 5 ! BIG IT UP ! How many times has he finished with you by the way ? Peru x
Jul 28 - 7AM (Reply to #11)
confused123
confused123's picture

Thanks Peru , and well done

Thanks Peru , and well done on 5 weeks girl ! I understand how hard it is , 24 hours and im craving contact ! Lol! Did you notice in that msn convo though how he made out i make him sooooooo ill ( oh boo hoo , poor baby ) and then writes love you on the end ??? Eh ?? total brain F**K !!! He even says "oh i must have mental issues then" - do you know how tempted i was to say "your damn right you do!" lol! this is our second break up - we broke up last year because the relationship was too tough considering his "past issues" we tried to remain friends - well bed buddies actually - and as i was starting to move on and had lots more males in my life he wanted to meet up - i thought i could do that as friends and when i told him i was moving on good - his responce was Really ?? I said yes , then he follows onto say "ims till in love with you you know , and i want me you and littlen to start doing more things together!" O.O WHAM - he hit me where it hurt and i foolishly though he was changing and realising what he had lost - this time he tells me he broke up with me for a variety of reasons - because he couldnt give me what i wanted despite us wanting the same in the beginning of the relationship - hes happy with just him and his little world it makes him happy - and 2ndly i caught him out lying to me - he went to his friends for a weekend , and didnt bother to invite me and kept the whole thing secret- bare in mind we are long distance too and he still couldnt be arsed to ask me - obviously i was annoyed ! I felt so hurt and left out , i questioned why he lied and he didnt even have an answer ! The week coming up to his lie i asked him all week just to admit if he was lying , and he was crying down the phone at me ! - i think thats only because he got caught out though !!
Jul 28 - 7AM (Reply to #12)
confused123
confused123's picture

Can i also say his whole

Can i also say his whole life seems to revolve around him and his mother ! ... and before i even realised he was a "N" i said to him one day because of you masking these issues in your life you are seriously gonna come across a trauma that rips your mask off ! and i hope you look back and think "god that girl was trying to help me! WTF didnt i listen!" ... i think he will crumble if his mum was ever to go for example - but of course he doesnt listen to me !!! Also last year when we split and got together i told him his little mind games didnt work and he shot himself int he foot - and he admitted yes he was playing games !
Jul 28 - 10AM (Reply to #13)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

we wish

We WISH they had that type of thought process...'wow, this person loves me and wants to help me'. They won't ever think that way!! That would require a normal brain. Nothing 'dawns' on them. They are who they are. The fact that we are no longer with them is only a fact to them. All they may feel - depending on circumstances - is anger about it. Mine never expresses in his e-mails anything about what I must be going through?? Only that he loves me, and wants me to respond before he gives up hope. I won't give him that satisfaction or anymore control for that matter. He's demanded enough of me, I'm done. If they're dumped by us, we are effed up..if they dump us, they don't give us much more thought than a car or anything else they possessed.
Jul 28 - 2PM (Reply to #14)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mind games

Also last year when we split and got together i told him his little mind games didnt work and he shot himself int he foot - and he admitted yes he was playing games ! If they don't work why are you still even talking to him? NO CONTACT! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 28 - 3PM (Reply to #15)
confused123
confused123's picture

Because at the time i didnt

Because at the time i didnt realise how much of a problem it actually was or that he may have had a disorder! i thought he was just being , well, a male trying to get his own way and didnt realise the extent untill i found this site and read up alot on it ! :)
Jul 29 - 2AM (Reply to #19)
confused123
confused123's picture

And why are my posts going

And why are my posts going all thin?? lol
Jul 28 - 3PM (Reply to #16)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

yet...

you're still communicating with him? and trying to "figure him out?" STOP. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 29 - 2AM (Reply to #17)
confused123
confused123's picture

I didnt contact him

I didnt contact him yesterday , but i admit to trying to figure him out with regards to what he was playing at , and thinking back to things that should have shown "red flags" at the time and didnt , and i know its silly because i cant figure it, and guess it comes with the territory? Another thing i wondered th other day , do narcissists come across as very contradictory?? I noticed this alot with mine- either saying and doing something different ,or saying and then thinking something different? ... it USED to confuse the hell out of me at times , but i think ive found my answer why. Did anyone else experience this? For example the other week when we were in touch i asked what he was upto at the weekend , he suggested all these plans with male friends , xbox etc - which at the time i thought was rubbish aswell - his friends are older than him and have Gf's and he never did this before with them before we broke up (apart from the odd curry on a thursday now and again) , all of a sudden he "apparantly" has started doing this and says he needs more local friends - i think ive figured out why now though ( AND I KNOW I SHOULDNT TRY TO FIGURE BARBARA LOL! but i cant help but think back to various times ) and i think now ive found out his disorder it was his way of a put down - for example , that when we were together he wanted time with his mates more than me etc and his way of trying to make me feel sad and excluded. The funniest thing though was i caught him out and couldnt resist at that time , lol ... he said he was going to the football on the weekend weekend with his mate (all these plans!) ... im not that stupid , i know the football season doesnt start untill the 8th !! so i said to him- oh the football season doesnt start untill the 8th ??!! .... then he quickly said oh yeah , thats another weekend - i just replied - yeah , I KNOW when the footie season starts! *rollseyes* .. i asked what he was doing THAT weekend not "another" weekend , and he knew darn well i did ! .... so that was my meaning of contradictions - i used to have that alot and wondered if many others did?
Jul 29 - 3AM (Reply to #18)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

I think you will try and

I think you will try and figger him out as thats just normal human nature and it will take a couple of weeks when you find out you cant make sense of the senseless . Is like a tangled mess on the floor and you have to learn to walk away from it . You have just learnt that all may not he well with your chap and he may have a personality disorder and that is alot to take in . As for contradiction (get ready for the phrase of the bleeding day ) My ns put the dick into contradiction ! (high five !) I remember a time a few weeks into the relationship he sat me down for the "lets take things to the next level speech" . I didnt give much away as he was telling me how much he thought about me and he was gushing,even Lord Byron would have been impressed . By the end of the speech though he was talking about splitting up !all in the space of 2 hours .When i called him on it saying that a couple of hours you where talking about taking things to the next level , he said "i wasnt talking about taking things to the next level "Its called Gas lighting .Things where like that almost every day , one day he loved me the next he was heading for the door . Its designed to confuse and thats how they like it . They want you confused because then you cant think straight and thats how they bring you down . What i am finding it hard is to separate feelings of love for the fake guy and realizing he didnt exsist . It all so sad . I had a year of this and my head is pretty much mash potato . Peru x