I know I shouldn't care but what do they really achieve with this or is it that they don't give a shit and hope that you'll just get tired and frustrated and go away?
I know Im a little dense but I still dont know what he is controlling? and what he gets from. I am hundreds of miles from him. Why doesnt he just say bye? What does he get from text messages. It would be one thing if he was getting sex, money or preferential treatment or something like that but I have nothing to offer him.
He's not controlling anything at all.
He is getting SUPPLY from you.
http://www.vainencounters.com/index.php?q=forum/2009/10/25/how-not-be-narcissistic-supply
~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~
~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them, --she said, (taken from my final remarks in a Sync Weekly Magazine article about my art and mySelf
~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~
~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them.
out of the same reason, why you want to have the last word and going cold turkey....its the same feeling, this little evil satisfaction...thats it, they live from that.
Usually you want to accomplish something there is an end result. In my case its revenge. You get it and you move on. In his case why continue it? whats the end result for him? that he gets texts from me big whoop?
something that is insane. You cannot rationalize that.
You have to start to think in terms of control and energy, thats what they are driven by, to control you, to get energy from you, to punish you....thats it...there is no logic behind it.
BUT, I've been guilty of this myself. The silent treatment. It was because I was depressed, fed up, aggravated and felt that talking would get me nowhere.
I read somewhere that this was "abusive" albeit, he trumped me in that category; however, wondering if anyone else here has also been guilty.
But I dont feel really guilty anymore. I recovered. And I was in trauma, and to protect me, I had to cut off everyone no good for me.
And yes it was maybe harsh, but I dont give a damn, all the people I went NC on, were people violating my boundaries since years, I just didnt recognize.
We dont owe the world nothing, and sometimes its better to stay away when you are that low, cause mosst people cannot cope with it anyway.
I swear I still dont get what he gets from the silent treatment I mean really what? What is he controlling? So what if hes controlling me? what does that do for him? Its not like he is getting sex out of it or anything. So he sees me getting upset Big woop?
I did tell him once that I knew his ignoring me meant I was getting to him. I said "I know I am near and dear to your heart otherwise you would just say its over like normal people do. The fact that you ignore me consciously means Im getting to you" take that Narc boy!
It's trauma bonding. He's playing the push/pull to keep you on edge. It keeps you off balance, you don't know if the next thing you say, or if the next time you might stand up for yourself will get you 'punished'.
It's a tactic. It's a tool of an abuser. Like Briseis said, maybe it doesn't work on you, maybe it doesn't push your buttons.
But for me, and for a lot of people, it is the thing that makes you scared to speak up for yourself. It's withdrawl of the 'feel good' drug (their validation, their acknowledgment of you) that has so many of us hooked.
Like if you were on crack. And your crack dealer/pimp decides that your are being uppity and cuts you off of regular source of crack. You start having withdrawls and make the decision that in order to keep that steady source of crack, you need to learn to shut the fuck up.
The fact that he ignores you consciously means he's trying to control you. That's all.
You can ask betty for my FB name (it is my real name). Look through the allaboutrecovery FB site for a member with a turkey for an avatar, that's me :)
Ok so here's the deal over the weekend I was getting I love yous of course because his dog went missing he had been telling me that he would be spending a week in town now he's giving me the silent treatment cause I asked too many questions or wasn't empathetic enough about his dog I don't know could be anything but I want to know will he try to see or continue to ignore me and not see me in an attempt to punish me. I just want to know what to expect so I can prepare myself
I had situations I was 100 procent sure, he will never ever come back at me, never talk to me again.
And like you it killed me, I wanted to have the last word and I wanted to be the one ignoring him.
Out of my experience, you will feel better a little bit . for about 4 days maybe, and then you will ask if this was all?
Then you are already back in his web. You have to cut your losses in all ways, emotionally, energetically, and physcially.
If you can block him do it.
He is a narc, right? So if you didnt just injured his false ego so much, that he can never talk to you again, like calling his dick a little bratwurst...then yes he will come back.
And he wont apologize, he will just push the reset button.
And you should go NC, now, doesnt matter what he does, you have to decide it!
Yes, expect him to suddenly pop back up and put the moves on you again. I would bet my next paycheck on it, seriously, and I can't spare the cash right now.
Does that feel like a relief, to know he'll be back? The superficial shallow petty manipulative bastard that he is? Jerking you around because you probably asked him for something real? Shame on you for asking him to be a man.
You wouldn't have to prepare a THING if you blocked him and blocked him and blocked him.
Perhaps that's not what you want to do . . . just are wondering when he'll be "back", when you'll be back in his good graces again, how long you'll have to wait before he'll be back giving you that fix again?
ETA: GAWD that sounds so harsh Sick of it ((((hugs)))) I truly care about you, hate to see you jerked around like this :(
Yes you are correct in some way I get validation when he wants to see or speak with me I wont lie it s only natural to want to be the one with the last word in this case I'm experiencing some anxiety due to not knowing what to expect if I knew I wasn't going to see him then I would know that he was gone its the not knowing what to expect that gets me off balance if I knew he was going to try and see me I could prepare myself give him plenty of supply and then yank the rug out from under his feet I know its not right and not by the recovery playbook but I wanna do it so do you think he going to try and see me? Or did he let me know he was gonna be in town just so he could not see me and punish me more?
Or did he let me know he was gonna be in town just so he could not see me and punish me more?
totally not understandable for us - but yes, I know thats exactly what they do.
Mine did it 2 times, let me know he is in europe, just to punish me...
Please, stop trying winning the game, god knows I tried, all what this will bring you is more exhaustion and more confusion and pain.
Yes, he will try to see you. Do you understand that he is a Narc? This is what Narcs do. They come back like herpes. They insult you and when supply runs low elsewhere, they come back.
If you truly understand what he IS . . . you will know beyond doubt he will be back.
None of us play by the playbook 100%. THe playbook is there to guide us, not to beat ourselves over the head with. It is there to use when you are tired of being jerked around and hurt. GOing by the playbook prevents unnecessary pain and suffering, if you are tired of it.
Now that you know he will come back . . . the real issue is your "grandiosity", that you believe you can pull out the rug and leave him on his ass.
If you really want to do this, Sick of it, you will block him and go NC today.
If you are anything like me back in the day, what you really want is to win the game.
You have not ever won the game to date. That's why you are here on this forum, right?
You want your power back. That is good and right and you SHOULD have your power back.
THe playbook tells you how to get your real power back. What you are trying to do won't work. No one here has "won" with the Narc except to completely delete him from their life.
And it gets kind of "sick" in a way, to go round and round with a Narc, he's on top, then you are, then he is . . .
When you fully understand what he is, Sick of it . . . you will block him, ban him, and thank GOd every day you don't have contact with him.
Sometimes I think Im the NARC Ill admit when he was my FB friend I loved it that my guy friends would post stuff about my pics because I new it got to him.
Sometimes I do feel the Grandiosity and It makes him want to punish me more. Sometimes I think we are two narcs caught up in a battle. I know thats not the case because I am way to empethetic but sometimes I would feed him supply just like a drug pusher. It was like I was saying here you go little Narc boy let me flatter you some more go ahead get addicted to my supply Come on little narc boy take one more hit dont you feel good when I blow all this smoke up your ass? My gosh I am turning into a weirdo.
you are just a willing participant in a N game. Thats a big difference.
Are you behaving the same with other people or just with him?
And do you think, he just behaves with you like that, or do you think, he plays a long practiced game with you?
You are involved in a control drama.
And yes, Ns punish you with ST to gain power, and to get energy in that form. That is wierd, and yes, he gets energy, when you suffer through the ST, knowing that makes him feel good.
Dont even try to understand that, just know thats what they do.
They become very predictable when you finally get how they function, and it will free you.
No Im not like that with other people. Honestly Im really great with people. My boss says that it is definitely my talent however that being said I will admit it I love to be praised. I like to know Im the best at what I do and for everyone to know. Oh gosh I know it sounds horrible but Im just telling the truth.
I think thats why years ago when I was with him the first time and we worked together there was an undertone of competetiveness it was never outwardly spoken but you could feel it between us.
Sometimes I think I might be one of those inverted narcissists?
"No Im not like that with other people. however that being said I will admit it I love to be praised. I like to know Im the best at what I do and for everyone to know. Oh gosh I know it sounds horrible but Im just telling the truth.
I think thats why years ago when I was with him the first time and we worked together there was an undertone of competetiveness it was never outwardly spoken but you could feel it between us."
This is exactly my situation too. The important thing to understand is this...
The narc has studied you. He knows how to motivate you to do certain things, including staying loyal to him. He knows that you're talented with people. He also knows that you love to be praised. And the love of praise is in part because of an underlying insecurity - you love praise because it gives you the validation that subconsciously you cannot give to yourself. AND, the narc has studied you enough to know your other vulnerabilities - your weakness for him, the issues in your marriage, your miscarriage, your core psychological vulnerabilities that make you crave his particular brand of praise (a.k.a. false flattery with the intent to manipulate). I write this not because I'm passing judgement - it's because THIS IS ME too. We worked together too and he always felt an underlying competition with me although I didn't feel it toward him. I idolized him. But he knew that flattery, particularly of a sexual variety because of my self-esteem issues in that category, was the way to get to me. It was all part of his game plan.
And a person who has a game plan, an endgame in mind - is simply PLAYING GAMES. You deserve better. You deserve someone who treats you as a human being, not as a human chess pawn.
is very human, just be aware that this is the thing that makes us vulnerable to Narcs. Cause thats what they do in the beginning, and everytime they try to get back in touch with us.
Telling us the BS they think we need to hear.
Like the praise of people you respect and love (really love), good friends and family, listen to them and let yourself be praised by them.
Many years ago I would fight with him. I mean fight like cats and dogs with pushing and shoving. He didnt "hit me" but an hour later we would be in bed having amazing sex the loving kind (back then he was still capable of that) Theres just somethin not right about that.
It is all extremes. I love him but I hate him. I want to give him more of my drug so I cant take it away. I dont want to hurt him yet feel like I want to anihilate him and the list goes on and on...
I know Im a little dense but
He's not controlling
Great article on the Silent Treatment
**LIKE**
~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~
~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them.
sick of it
I get it but
you want to give sense to
I don't want to be sympathetic to the Narcs
I am guilty of that michelle
I swear I still dont get
Trauma bonding
Hey Breisis
Yes I am, I'm on the new
so how can I find you?
You can ask betty for my FB
ok I will look now. Thanks
Ok so here's the deal over
honey
Ya gotta block him, honey,
sick of it
Yes, expect him to suddenly
breisis
to punish you more
YES. YES I DO!
Breisis
sick of it, you are not a N
No Im not like that with
SOI - I totally understand
liking to be praised
Many years ago I would fight