Better Off - Truly Believing What Our Heads Know to Be True
Better Off - Truly Believing What Our Heads Know to Be True
Better Off - wanted to bump this up because I figured the Word Salad thread was going to get too skinny - plus I didn't want you to have to search for it.
Here goes - another long one.
Better Off: ‘‘Well, my situation had a big difference... I AGREED to a friends only period of time, because he convinced me that he was really really confused about all this (and I truly thought this was the only time this had happened to him as it had to me), and he didn't know what to do.. he needed to "sort himself out, sort his life out" before he could go straight into a relationship with me, and of course I had similar feelings as well.“
Morty: While I ultimately decided that a friends-only situation wasn’t what I wanted, after I was dumped, and while we still worked together, I continued the relationship . There were lots of long letters, e-mails, conversations that dragged out. This went on for two months. In the beginning, I was very emotional but couldn’t let it out because the couple times I tried, I was the recipient of narcissitic rage. I was so desperate to hold onto him and he said things during the dumping and for about three weeks after that made me believe that he was truly confused and that perhaps there was still a chance. After all, it wasn’t until AFTER he dumped me that he told me he loved me. I kept getting the “I’ve never met anyone who understands me and thinks like I do” as the reason why I needed to agree to be his best friend. So, I tried to be very sweet, understanding and nice during this period and he was being the same. But then, it got to be too much – it was too emotional for me because he purposely started to act cold. He told me that he was intentionally building a wall around his heart because our continued conversations about how we will never be together intimately were “putting a dagger through [his] heart.” But the problem was … while he was acting cold and distant, I was expected to continue to be the same way I had always been toward him. If he came in to the office in the morning and I didn’t say “good morning” in anything but my warm-I’m-happy-to-see-you voice, I would be ignored all day and come home to a “WTF????” e-mail where he’d tell me that if I couldn’t deal with the painful emotions, then he would just quit on the spot. Of course, I should have let him. But I was so desperate to keep him around. So I tried really, really hard for the next month to be supportive, sweet, nice, and a true friend. And he started to act happier, like there was hope I would agree. But then, since he no longer had to seduce me (although that undercurrent never really stopped), his true colors started to come out. He badmouthed pretty much everyone on my team and in particular, our close mutual friend. It was almost as if he was jealous that our friend was going to be able to work with me and see me every day and he wasn’t going to once he left the company, so he had to stab him in the back and make me not like him or something. He also kept giving me unsolicited advice about what I should do about my marriage. At one point, he actually asked me to help him with advice he should give to his ex-wife who was in the process of kicking her heroin-addicted boyfriend out of her apartment. And of course, like a fucking dolt, I did. All because I was so desperate to keep him. And all the while this was going on, he still kept trying to convince me that I needed to throw caution to the wind and quit my company and go work with him at another company as an independent contractor. I stupidly kept seeing all of this stuff as signs that he was conflicted and wanted so badly to have me in his life and perhaps if I just held on and did everything he wanted me to do – he would come to his senses and ask me back. The last straw for me was on Christmas Eve (his final day at work) when he took me out to lunch and sent me every mixed signal in the book and in a cold, calculating way. Saying things like “we need to take a 3-month break so you can get over the distraction of me and deal with your tall poles in life” and then “I hope that in a few months we’ll be able to travel together again and go to X-City.” I had very little contact for two months after that and that’s when I started reading about NPD and figured I needed to cut it off.
Better Off: ‘‘This sucked so bad I can't even tell you. He had basically broken up with me, I was CRUSHED, and yet I had to be Perfect Girl and be cool about it and just keep being patient and understanding while he "sorted himself out" and of course, eventually he would be ready, right? I hate telling this, I really do.‘‘
Morty – I’m sorry you felt like you had to tell it. But, if it makes you feel any better, this is EXACTLY what I did too. Exactly. I can’t believe this similarity. I can’t even say I hate telling it about myself because I’m still so crushed. I guess the only consolation I have is that I truly believe there was no other woman. I asked him at one point after he dumped me if there was and he said no. And I do believe he was actually telling me the truth. He simply didn’t have time because we were together so much that there just weren’t enough hours in the day. That’s not to say that I don’t think he strung his ex-wife along using the same ‘‘best friends‘‘ bullshit that she has bought into. But I don’t think that their relationship was sexual. So at least I haven’t had to deal with him cheating on me. I know what you’re thinking, and while I may be a little nuts, I don’t think I’m delusional about this aspect of the relationship. .... I cannot imagine how it must have been for you. I know why you felt you had to be the perfect girl – you were so in love and you believed this guy.
Better Off: ‘‘So I wrote a goodbye letter, and I told him the truth, that I was still in love with him and didn't see that changing, that it was wrong for me to still be in contact and it hurt, that I had walk away, and that he would always be the love of my life.“
Morty: I know why you wish you had never said that. I know why you felt it at the time. I said similar. On Christmas Eve, after we got back from lunch when he had treated me so poorly, I went into the ladies room and just bawled my eyes out. And then he waltzed in to my office and asked if he could leave early for the day. On a dime, he changed his facial expression from the cold, aloof bastard he’d been for the past month into the angellic man I love so much and he told me something but I couldn’t hear him. I think it was that everything was going to be OK. And then he left. I’m crying writing this because it was the last time I saw him. When he left, like a total fucking duped idiot, I sent him an e-mail and said that no matter how difficult life got, he needed to know that I would always be out there in the world loving him. I said I didn’t know if I could overcome my feelings and be his best friend, but even if I couldn’t, I would always love him. Of course, I got no response. After that, he worked for us remotely for two months (OK, I’m an idiot) and during that time he just sent cold e-mails in which he said we couldn’t interact for a while because he was hurting and this was all so very painful for the both of us, blah blah blah.
So I finally sent him a disarming e-mail in February that let it be known that I wasn’t interested in a platonic relationship and that I had to pursue my own happiness. And that I was severing the relationship. I know that this was the right thing to do and the right way to end it. I know it. But it still hurts.
Better Off, ‘‘Then I started reading everything I could and it became clearer and clearer what happened. I went through a very dark depression, I thought about suicide, it was horrible. It's horrible pain and there is nothing worse than it really, to be betrayed like this. How could someone who knew me so well, who saw and touched my inner soul DO THAT to me???? But... that's what he does.‘‘
Morty: I’m so very sorry. I can’t imagine. I’m grateful that as hurt as I’ve been – I haven’t been suicidal nor have I been depressed to point of not being able to function. I manage to get through the day just like I always do – over-achieving everything. To all outward appearances, I’m totally over what happened. Only my husband, my brother and our mutual friend know the truth – that some days I feel like it all happened yesterday and I have to excuse myself to stuff my face in my pillow and sob. It’s been 11 months and I still haven’t figured it out. I mean I have, but I still can’t quite believe all of it and I know I have to. Thank your for telling me that you’ve questioned it as much as I have. That makes me feel better. And I know that I can’t really recover until I truly believe these awful things about a man I loved so much. I’m glad you don’t care any more and I’m glad to know that time makes it better. And I’m sorry that writing all of the great stuff that you do keeps you in it. I would totally understand if one day you just stopped. But you really have helped a lot of people and that’s something to feel extremely good about. The narc never helps anyone. Thank you Better Off for sharing more of your story. I really appreciate it.
((((Morty)))) Listen... I'm
Some Day I Hope I Get the Chance to Make it up to Her
Shallow Moron and the Black Duds
shallow moron
"Wearing a black beret when I read the idiotic drivel"
Um wow.....
Screw You Buddy