Better Off - Truly Believing What Our Heads Know to Be True

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#1 Oct 2 - 9PM
anonymous
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Better Off - Truly Believing What Our Heads Know to Be True

Better Off - wanted to bump this up because I figured the Word Salad thread was going to get too skinny - plus I didn't want you to have to search for it.

Here goes - another long one.

Better Off: ‘‘Well, my situation had a big difference... I AGREED to a friends only period of time, because he convinced me that he was really really confused about all this (and I truly thought this was the only time this had happened to him as it had to me), and he didn't know what to do.. he needed to "sort himself out, sort his life out" before he could go straight into a relationship with me, and of course I had similar feelings as well.“
Morty: While I ultimately decided that a friends-only situation wasn’t what I wanted, after I was dumped, and while we still worked together, I continued the relationship . There were lots of long letters, e-mails, conversations that dragged out. This went on for two months. In the beginning, I was very emotional but couldn’t let it out because the couple times I tried, I was the recipient of narcissitic rage. I was so desperate to hold onto him and he said things during the dumping and for about three weeks after that made me believe that he was truly confused and that perhaps there was still a chance. After all, it wasn’t until AFTER he dumped me that he told me he loved me. I kept getting the “I’ve never met anyone who understands me and thinks like I do” as the reason why I needed to agree to be his best friend. So, I tried to be very sweet, understanding and nice during this period and he was being the same. But then, it got to be too much – it was too emotional for me because he purposely started to act cold. He told me that he was intentionally building a wall around his heart because our continued conversations about how we will never be together intimately were “putting a dagger through [his] heart.” But the problem was … while he was acting cold and distant, I was expected to continue to be the same way I had always been toward him. If he came in to the office in the morning and I didn’t say “good morning” in anything but my warm-I’m-happy-to-see-you voice, I would be ignored all day and come home to a “WTF????” e-mail where he’d tell me that if I couldn’t deal with the painful emotions, then he would just quit on the spot. Of course, I should have let him. But I was so desperate to keep him around. So I tried really, really hard for the next month to be supportive, sweet, nice, and a true friend. And he started to act happier, like there was hope I would agree. But then, since he no longer had to seduce me (although that undercurrent never really stopped), his true colors started to come out. He badmouthed pretty much everyone on my team and in particular, our close mutual friend. It was almost as if he was jealous that our friend was going to be able to work with me and see me every day and he wasn’t going to once he left the company, so he had to stab him in the back and make me not like him or something. He also kept giving me unsolicited advice about what I should do about my marriage. At one point, he actually asked me to help him with advice he should give to his ex-wife who was in the process of kicking her heroin-addicted boyfriend out of her apartment. And of course, like a fucking dolt, I did. All because I was so desperate to keep him. And all the while this was going on, he still kept trying to convince me that I needed to throw caution to the wind and quit my company and go work with him at another company as an independent contractor. I stupidly kept seeing all of this stuff as signs that he was conflicted and wanted so badly to have me in his life and perhaps if I just held on and did everything he wanted me to do – he would come to his senses and ask me back. The last straw for me was on Christmas Eve (his final day at work) when he took me out to lunch and sent me every mixed signal in the book and in a cold, calculating way. Saying things like “we need to take a 3-month break so you can get over the distraction of me and deal with your tall poles in life” and then “I hope that in a few months we’ll be able to travel together again and go to X-City.” I had very little contact for two months after that and that’s when I started reading about NPD and figured I needed to cut it off.
Better Off: ‘‘This sucked so bad I can't even tell you. He had basically broken up with me, I was CRUSHED, and yet I had to be Perfect Girl and be cool about it and just keep being patient and understanding while he "sorted himself out" and of course, eventually he would be ready, right? I hate telling this, I really do.‘‘
Morty – I’m sorry you felt like you had to tell it. But, if it makes you feel any better, this is EXACTLY what I did too. Exactly. I can’t believe this similarity. I can’t even say I hate telling it about myself because I’m still so crushed. I guess the only consolation I have is that I truly believe there was no other woman. I asked him at one point after he dumped me if there was and he said no. And I do believe he was actually telling me the truth. He simply didn’t have time because we were together so much that there just weren’t enough hours in the day. That’s not to say that I don’t think he strung his ex-wife along using the same ‘‘best friends‘‘ bullshit that she has bought into. But I don’t think that their relationship was sexual. So at least I haven’t had to deal with him cheating on me. I know what you’re thinking, and while I may be a little nuts, I don’t think I’m delusional about this aspect of the relationship. .... I cannot imagine how it must have been for you. I know why you felt you had to be the perfect girl – you were so in love and you believed this guy.
Better Off: ‘‘So I wrote a goodbye letter, and I told him the truth, that I was still in love with him and didn't see that changing, that it was wrong for me to still be in contact and it hurt, that I had walk away, and that he would always be the love of my life.“
Morty: I know why you wish you had never said that. I know why you felt it at the time. I said similar. On Christmas Eve, after we got back from lunch when he had treated me so poorly, I went into the ladies room and just bawled my eyes out. And then he waltzed in to my office and asked if he could leave early for the day. On a dime, he changed his facial expression from the cold, aloof bastard he’d been for the past month into the angellic man I love so much and he told me something but I couldn’t hear him. I think it was that everything was going to be OK. And then he left. I’m crying writing this because it was the last time I saw him. When he left, like a total fucking duped idiot, I sent him an e-mail and said that no matter how difficult life got, he needed to know that I would always be out there in the world loving him. I said I didn’t know if I could overcome my feelings and be his best friend, but even if I couldn’t, I would always love him. Of course, I got no response. After that, he worked for us remotely for two months (OK, I’m an idiot) and during that time he just sent cold e-mails in which he said we couldn’t interact for a while because he was hurting and this was all so very painful for the both of us, blah blah blah.
So I finally sent him a disarming e-mail in February that let it be known that I wasn’t interested in a platonic relationship and that I had to pursue my own happiness. And that I was severing the relationship. I know that this was the right thing to do and the right way to end it. I know it. But it still hurts.
Better Off, ‘‘Then I started reading everything I could and it became clearer and clearer what happened. I went through a very dark depression, I thought about suicide, it was horrible. It's horrible pain and there is nothing worse than it really, to be betrayed like this. How could someone who knew me so well, who saw and touched my inner soul DO THAT to me???? But... that's what he does.‘‘
Morty: I’m so very sorry. I can’t imagine. I’m grateful that as hurt as I’ve been – I haven’t been suicidal nor have I been depressed to point of not being able to function. I manage to get through the day just like I always do – over-achieving everything. To all outward appearances, I’m totally over what happened. Only my husband, my brother and our mutual friend know the truth – that some days I feel like it all happened yesterday and I have to excuse myself to stuff my face in my pillow and sob. It’s been 11 months and I still haven’t figured it out. I mean I have, but I still can’t quite believe all of it and I know I have to. Thank your for telling me that you’ve questioned it as much as I have. That makes me feel better. And I know that I can’t really recover until I truly believe these awful things about a man I loved so much. I’m glad you don’t care any more and I’m glad to know that time makes it better. And I’m sorry that writing all of the great stuff that you do keeps you in it. I would totally understand if one day you just stopped. But you really have helped a lot of people and that’s something to feel extremely good about. The narc never helps anyone. Thank you Better Off for sharing more of your story. I really appreciate it.

Oct 3 - 11AM
better off
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((((Morty)))) Listen... I'm

((((Morty)))) Listen... I'm going to tell you something very important. This guy only got to you because of you being vulnerable, and being drained, and because of being hurt growing up. This man was a band-aid to all that awfulness... only it didn't seem like a band-aid, it seemed like nirvana. That could only happen because of the hole that was already there. Your trauma, your trying trying trying, overachieving, trying to outrun it... it's exhausting!!!, and someone finally came along and made you feel like you could just have love, be loved, and just BE. Just live. The bad news is he targeted you because of this. The GOOD news is this is your opportunity to grow out of this experience, this terrible experience, to move past THIS hurt AND all the hurt that preceded it, the hurt that made this POSSIBLE. I know it doesn't feel like it, but it is true. I have done it, and I am still doing it. And the path there is to look past this cretin, and further down the road back, to what made this so important for you to have it, at all costs. And to look INSIDE for that as well. And morty, you say you are a believer, so the other place to look is UP. Look UP to the God that made you and loves you and wants to lift you up and out of this. That is where the answers are; there are no answers inside this shell of a man. You are clinging to a worthless idol. That's what I was doing. And Morty, I know you can recover. I know you can. Do not be upset with yourself for your pain and for being upset! Don't use words with yourself like "too." You're "too" upset or it's taking "too" long. 11 months is not even a year. If someone you loved died, you would not be over it in a year. This is even worse, because the man you loved "died" AND betrayed you. But I promise you this.. this self-absorbed asshole has his head so far up his ass with his pseudo-intellectual nonsense that he will never see the light of day, and he COULD never see what an amazing person you are, and how incredible I bet your daughter is. It's HIS LOSS, Morty, and that's the story of his life... and one day he will use this as a chapter in his fiction in his head about losing you because he couldn't be the man you needed him to be. Well, no duh, fuckwit. (cheers to hooklinesinker for that great epithet!) One day you WILL see this for what it is, and HIM for what he is, a pseudo-intellectual shallow moron. A mile wide and an inch deep. Somehow I always picture him wearing a black beret when I read the idiotic drivel he's written to you. Keep on keepin' on, Morty, and begin to heal the girl inside, the girl that thought this guy would make it better.
Oct 5 - 10PM (Reply to #6)
anonymous
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Some Day I Hope I Get the Chance to Make it up to Her

"one day he will use this as a chapter in his fiction in his head about losing you because he couldn't be the man you needed him to be. Well, no duh, fuckwit." He told our friend that he knows he really fucked up with me (with tears in his eyes, apparently) and that he hopes that some day he gets the chance to make it up to me. How and when? After my daughter has grown, he's fucked through a bunch of other "smart chicks" and found them all to be lacking compared to me and when he thinks I'll be happy to be the toaster and be plugged into his fucking outlet for the short duration he becomes interested in me again? So that I can again have the pleasure of being betrayed? And what a fucking pompous asshole to think that in 10 years he'll even remotely resemble a man to whom I will be attracted after an additional 10 years of 2-packs a day, pot and coffee? Thanks for your post Better Off. You're right - I have to figure out a way to focus on myself and not him anymore. I'm reading Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life and there's a good section about letting him own his own psychological issues and me owning mine. I have to do that. I'm trying not to be so hard on myself but that's a habit that's going to take 42 years to unlearn. =(
Oct 5 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
anonymous
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Shallow Moron and the Black Duds

"One day you WILL see this for what it is, and HIM for what he is, a pseudo-intellectual shallow moron. A mile wide and an inch deep. Somehow I always picture him wearing a black beret when I read the idiotic drivel he's written to you." I would love to post more of the drivel (cuz there's lots of it) just to get your translation from blah, blah, blah into narcspeak but I wouldn't want you to puke or anything. Black beret? No. But picture a 37-year old dude with a receding hairline and graying ponytail, all dressed in black, with cigarette hanging out of his mouth, looking down his nose at you, sniffing aloofly, and staring with cold, grey eyes and you'll get a very good mental image. Of course that's his normal look. The seductive look is of a 37-year old 'boy' with long hair, dressed in blue so his eyes are now blue instead of grey, looking at me as if I were heaven-sent, walking by my side, holding my hand, with his wonderful dog protecting us and talking to me about the very things that are deep inside my soul and who no one else knows. He is a doppelganger. The FUCKER. In my journal entry on Easter, I wrote to myself that I needed to be wary of false idols. And I never understood what it meant to say someone was shallow. I wish I never had the opportunity to learn.
Oct 3 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
Meadowbrook
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shallow moron

Betteroff, your advice is stellar. I agree there are old hurts we are trying to soothe with the relationships. I'm exploring all that for myself now and I appreciate your insights so much. One word about the shallowness. N was so determined to craft his image with me that I didn't realize how shallow he truly is until the end. The last time I saw him was after I had read about 4 books on narcissism but before I found out about OW. He was going on and on about his FB females friends and how he decided to block a whole bunch of them. He said he blocked them because they didn't "get" his humor and they weren't attractive enough. He said, "I only want friends who look like you." Rather than being flattered, I was truly taken aback at his shallowness! It just struck me as so bizarre because I hadn't realized it before to such a degree. I started to think back to other things he had done and said that pointed to his shallowness and his general objectification of women. Whenever a new person was hired he commented on what they looked like rather than their previous position or qualifications. He talked about his daughter in terms of her looks (she's a model). I told him I was starting to see a therapist and the first thing he wanted to know was what she looks like! Why does that matter? He's never going to see her. I realize he just relates EVERYTHING to physical appearance. If you are not attractive you are worthless in his view. This was not the initial image he projected but I came to realize it is the way he truly thinks. He got to a point where the only thing about me he complimented was my appearance. He seemed to be making mental notes about me in terms of type of conquest like: this one looks nice in jeans, has good legs, is smart. It literally was like I was an object and he slotted me into a particular category of "Barbie". One of the more creepy times was the last time I was in his car. A couple of strands of my hair had fallen out (probably the start of my stress induced hair loss) and I was going to open the window and drop them out of the car. He said, "no, don't do that, leave them here, it's nice knowing a piece of you is here." WEIRDER??!!! I touched the back of his neck and he said, "I wish I could take your hand with me to xxxcountry." It just struck me as odd. With anyone else I probably wouldn't have thought twice but it freaks me out now knowing what I know about Ns and how they view people. It does remind me of a serial killer mentality and their "trophies". *shiver*
Oct 3 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
Susan32
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"Wearing a black beret when I read the idiotic drivel"

The ex-Psych professor wore a beret... despite NOT being French(!!!) What's funny is my friends say that was an obvious red flag of flaky fakeness. I was his student, and he couldn't see what an amazing person I was... it's WORSE than unrequited love. With unrequited love, it's a matter of romantic passion not being reciprocated. But in this case, it was total disrespect, lack of appreciation, and taking advantage of the teacher/student relationship. If a guy isn't enamored of me... so what... but the ex-P PRETENDED to be a friend... and that's what kills me. Believe me, whenever I've broken NC, it's been to FORCE him to see what an amazing person I am. He doesn't respond (he hasn't in a decade, THANKS BE TO GOD!!) I brag about living in a beautiful part of the US, brag about my writing, how I have 3 editors who enjoy my work. It's basically an "ALL ABOUT ME" when I break NC. No NS for him. Ever. Despite the fact he writes about religion, I give him NO credit. I don't say "thanks to you, I'm writing about religion and philosophy." I give him no credit. I don't acknowledge his achievements. I've been so tempted to tell him "congratulations on getting that grant money for your lecture on 'War and Peace', guess philosophers these days are more skilled at giving blow jobs." He doesn't get any praise from me anymore. He doesn't even get "I hate you" or "You ruined my life" messages. That's gotta hurt.
Oct 2 - 10PM
Sherbear
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Um wow.....

I can't believe the similarities.....I too agreed to a break up b/c he needed time and space to focus on him and he couldn't start a relationship. I agreed to this and tried to be the best friend for 5 months. All the while being understanding, and loving and supportive. But his dismissal started immediately after he ended it. We shared such an intimate time and he touched my soul so deeply that I can't beleive he did what he did to me. He was never vulgar or violent, jsut disappearing acts and popping back up and everything all about him and very hidden rule not to cross him or call him out on anything. He always left the hope for the future, and told me he loved me....but then I saw the pics of the ow on fb with dates on the pics and I could piece together his lies and deceit...what a blessing! I messaged him that I wished them the best and that I was letting him go and I was done...no more replies, and blocked him on fb. Done, Game over. Then I got the psycho text that I never replied to, but that is enough for me. One time to hear him say that word and I am gone. AMEN! I have been in several n relationships and even think my dad was my first narc, but this one took me down. But I am coming out of this stronger and wiser and trusting myself and recognizing red flags a mile away! That rocks! I can't control him and he will never give me closure and he may even be talking crap about me, but i don't care. I know me and I am a great person and he blew it not having me in his life. He is shocked I am sure that I haven';t unlocked him b/c I was so dedicated to preserving our friendship, but he didn't value that. And so now, I will pick up the pieces, heal and move on happily in my life. Screw you Buddy. Thank you for this post!
Oct 3 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
anonymous
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Screw You Buddy

Hi Sher, I'm glad you're at the point where you can say screw you buddy. Yeah, the similarities between all of our experiences are amazing to us. But the behaviors each and every one of the narcs demonstrate is part of the pathology. None of our ex-narcs are special - they are common, every-day narcissists. In other words, losers in life. Stay strong!! How's your son? My daughter today is making a recycling project for school. Love her. =)