sorry to take up so much space

23 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 28 - 4PM

kiwi10

sorry to take up so much space

it seems i need reassurance every day from you guys, i'm so sorry.
i'm getting so afraid lately... afriad i won't meet anyone else. i'm lonely, and starting to miss what i had, even though in so many ways it was shit.
i feel like a failure, i feel responsible, and i feel sad. i'm afraid of making it on my own. i'm still in school, and he took care of me.
i'm hurt that he doesnt even want me back, even though i tried so damn hard to be good to him, i'm 14 years younger, and i worshipped the ground he walked on.
i feel like a disgarded piece of shit.
meanwhile, he's not even thinking of me. we never seem to get out 'revenge' and when i feel this way, him being a pychopath or a narc, is no comfort to me. i just don't know why i couldn't adapy enough to make it work.
there is no comforting myself with 'he'll regret it', or 'he'll never be happy', or even 'he'll be sorry for how mean he was to me'. no... i just have to be ok. and today, i'm not. i have felt this way for weeks. i feel myself backsliding. i feel lonely, ugly, useless....
the newness of being alone has worn off and i'm jealous of him moving on and findind someone else. i alwasy felt like i was just a warm body, but now i know. my heart is broken and everytime i think its getting better, it turns out it's not and i'm afraid the pain will never end. i loved him so much...
it meant nothing....

#2 Sep 28 - 10PM

michele115 (not verified)

Fierflie...lets go through this some...I'll try my best...

it seems i need reassurance every day from you guys, i'm so sorry. YOU MUSN'T BE SORRY, WE ARE HERE FOR SUPPORT. THE FIRST STEP IN RECOVERY IS ADMITTING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, YOU ARE DOING THAT BY COMING TO THE BOARD. i'm getting so afraid lately... afriad i won't meet anyone else. SHOULD YOU EVEN BE THINKING ABOUT MEETING ANYONE ELSE RIGHT NOW? WHY OR WHY NOT? i'm lonely, and starting to miss what i had, even though in so many ways it was shit. KNOWING WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT NARCS...YOU ARE SAYING YOU MISSED WHAT YOU HAD...UNDERSTATEMENT: IN MANY WAYS IT WAS SHIT...NO IN ALL WAYS IT WAS SHIT BECAUSE IT WAS NOT REAL, IT WAS IN YOUR HEAD AND IT WAS AN ILLUSION. i feel like a failure WHY? i feel responsible HOW? and i feel sad PERFECTLY NATURAL AND NORMAL FEELING UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES AND IT WILL TAKE SOME TIME TO HEAL. i'm afraid of making it on my own WHY? WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE IT ANY OTHER WAY? ARE YOU EXPECTING SOMEONE ELSE TO CARRY YOU? IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT. YOU NEED TO BE COMPLETE AND WHOLE BEFORE YOU CAN EVEN BEGIN TO LOOK TO SOMEONE ELSE NOT TO COMPLETE YOU BUT TO ENHANCE THAT WHICH YOU ALREADY OWN...RIGHT NOW, YOU DON'T EVEN OWN YOURSELF MENTALLY...THAT IS WHERE YOU NEED TO BE FOCUSING... i'm still in school, and he took care of me. HOW? AND, SO YOU WANT HIM BACK TO TAKE CARE OF YOU? i'm hurt that he doesnt even want me back, even though i tried so damn hard to be good to him i'm 14 years younger, and i worshipped the ground he walked on. WHICH IS JUST THE WAY HE WANTED IT...YOU UNDER HIS THUMB...LIKE A NICE OBEDIENT LITTLE GIRL. i feel like a disgarded piece of shit. THAT'S HOW YOU FEEL IT ISN'T THE REALITY AND FEELINGS AREN'T FACTS. meanwhile, he's not even thinking of me HE NEVER DID FIERFLIE...THAT IS THE REALITY - NOTHING YOU CAN SAY OR DO WILL EVER CHANGE THAT. THAT IS THE REALITY. IF YOU WERE MAULED BY A LION, WOULD YOU BE SITTING THERE WONDERING IF THE LION WAS FEELING ANY GUILT OR THINKING ABOUT HOW HE DESTROYED YOU?...YOU ARE DEALING WITH THE SAME BEAST ON THAT SAME LEVEL. HE IS PATHOLOGICAL, UNABLE TO FEEL EMPATHY, COMPASSION OR REMORSE AND IS SADISTIC. we never seem to get out 'revenge' and when i feel this way, him being a pychopath or a narc, is no comfort to me WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE, BUT SOMETIMES LIFE ISN'T FAIR AND WE HAVE TO CUT OUR LOSSES AND MOVE ON REGARDLESS AND CREATE OUR OWN CLOSURE. LIFE WILL DEAL WITH HIM ON HIS TERMS. WHAT GOES AROUND CERTAINLY DOES COME AROUND...GUARANTEED - BUT MOST TIMES WHEN IT DOES, WE ARE NOT AROUND TO WITNESS IT. BY THEN, YOU REALLY WON'T CARE. THE GOAL ISN'T HATE...IT'S INDIFFERENCE. i just don't know why i couldn't adapy enough to make it work. SO YOU WERE PLACED HERE ON THIS EARTH TO WORSHIP THIS NARC GOD, CATER TO ALL HIS DEMANDS, FEED HIS EGO, JUMP THROUGH HOOPS DOUSED IN GASOLINE AND IN RETURN HE WILL GIVE YOU?.... there is no comforting myself with 'he'll regret it', or 'he'll never be happy', or even 'he'll be sorry for how mean he was to me'. no... i just have to be ok. and today, i'm not. i have felt this way for weeks. i feel myself backsliding. HUN, WE ALL DO...WE ALL BACKSLIDE...IT'S PART OF THE PROCESS. BESIDES SIGNING UP FOR MORE ABUSE...WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY? i feel lonely WE ALL DO...YOU ARE NOT ALONE ugly FEELING BAD ON THE INSIDE MAKES US FEEL BAD ON THE OUTSIDE, BUT I DOUBT VERY MUCH YOU ARE UGLY. useless WHEN YOU CHANGE WHERE YOUR IDENTITY, VALIDATION, AND SELF WORTH COME FROM..THE SOURCES WHICH ARE NOT FROM ANOTHER MAN OR NARC FOR THAT MATTER - YOU WON'T FEEL USELESS. WE ALL HAVE A PURPOSE NO ONE IS USELESS. the newness of being alone has worn off and i'm jealous of him moving on and findind someone else. BECAUSE WE SCREW OURSELVES IN OUR HEADS AND CREATE MORE ILLUSIONS ABOUT HOW HAPPY THEY ARE, THEY'VE MOVED ON ETC...YOU DO KNOW IN TIME, GIVEN WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT NARCS...AT SOME POINT YOU MAY ACTUALLY BE SPEAKING TO HIS LATEST VICTIM ON THIS BOARD!!! i alwasy felt like i was just a warm body, but now i know. AND IT IS A COLD HARD REALITY TO FACE - BUT AT LEAST YOU ARE NOT SITTING HERE TWENTY FIVE YEARS DOWN THE PIKE FIVE KIDS AND A MORTGAGE LATER COMING TO THIS CONCLUSION. my heart is broken and everytime i think its getting better, it turns out it's not and i'm afraid the pain will never end THE PAIN WILL END...THATS A FACT. i loved him so much... AND THAT IS SOMETHING THAT IS OKAY - IT MEANS YOU'RE HUMAN BUT YOU GAVE AWAY SOMETHING VALUABLE AND PRECIOUS TO SOMEONE WHO DID NOT DESERVE IT...YOU CAST YOUR PEARLS AMONGST SWINE AND DID NOT LOVE YOURSELF. it meant nothing.... IN EVERYTHING THERE IS A LESSON TO BE LEARNED. PERHAPS SOME HIGHER POWER PUT YOU IN THIS PLACE SO THAT YOU WOULD BE FORCED TO DO SOME INNER WORK. DOES ANY OF THIS SEEM VALID TO YOU? KICK IT BACK - it will keep your mind off HIM! I am sorry you are having a rough time. Stay comitted to recovery, NC! NC! NC!...or you will end up here again in much worse shape. Drop the drug cold turkey. YOU CAN DO IT!

#3 Sep 29 - 12AM (Reply to #22)

kiwi10

SO YOU WERE PLACED HERE ON

SO YOU WERE PLACED HERE ON THIS EARTH TO WORSHIP THIS NARC GOD, CATER TO ALL HIS DEMANDS, FEED HIS EGO, JUMP THROUGH HOOPS DOUSED IN GASOLINE AND IN RETURN HE WILL GIVE YOU?.... his approval? and validation :( HUN, WE ALL DO...WE ALL BACKSLIDE...IT'S PART OF THE PROCESS. BESIDES SIGNING UP FOR MORE ABUSE...WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY? no. but i keep feeling like if i had tried harder and been better he would have loved me. BECAUSE WE SCREW OURSELVES IN OUR HEADS AND CREATE MORE ILLUSIONS ABOUT HOW HAPPY THEY ARE, THEY'VE MOVED ON ETC...YOU DO KNOW IN TIME, GIVEN WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT NARCS...AT SOME POINT YOU MAY ACTUALLY BE SPEAKING TO HIS LATEST VICTIM ON THIS BOARD!!! assuming she doesnt behave properly.. but maybe she will. i couldn't.

#4 Sep 28 - 11PM (Reply to #21)

kiwi10

HOW? AND, SO YOU WANT HIM

HOW? AND, SO YOU WANT HIM BACK TO TAKE CARE OF YOU? i think so. WHICH IS JUST THE WAY HE WANTED IT...YOU UNDER HIS THUMB...LIKE A NICE OBEDIENT LITTLE GIRL. thats what he told me... then he started saying i wasn't helpful enough or enough of a partner to him. that i needed to grow up. he wanted me to get a job even though i did everything around teh house and went to school full time. he got mad at me for not helping him enough. i guess i could have been more helpful... when he was nice to me, he talked ot me like i was 8 years old though. it was so confusing.

#5 Sep 28 - 11PM (Reply to #20)

kiwi10

i feel like a

i feel like a failure WHY? because i failed in my marraig. because i was childish and demanding and irresponsible with money and i wasn't good enough i feel responsible HOW? because i didn't make it work. i feel like i made himinto what he was he wasn't like that in the beginning, and ALL of his x's still talk to him :(

#6 Sep 28 - 11PM (Reply to #19)

kiwi10

YOU MUSN'T BE SORRY, WE ARE

YOU MUSN'T BE SORRY, WE ARE HERE FOR SUPPORT. THE FIRST STEP IN RECOVERY IS ADMITTING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, YOU ARE DOING THAT BY COMING TO THE BOARD. thank you michelle. you're one of my angels on here SHOULD YOU EVEN BE THINKING ABOUT MEETING ANYONE ELSE RIGHT NOW? WHY OR WHY NOT? apparently not, but it hurts and i'm 31 and i want a husband and a child more coming...

#7 Sep 28 - 4PM

fooled no longer

sweetheart take your space

he has no feelings! you have you are the winner! please know hes notworthyour thoughts hes the piece of shit. your situation is a perfect example of what onemoment of contact after NC. poison pure poison. Go over to my post on" hes writing songs now" i put up today and have a laugh at thecomments these wonderful women put up xx A

#8 Sep 28 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

kiwi10

i would never get a song. i

i would never get a song. i never get an 'i fucked up', nothing. nothing. just divirce papers, a monthly check, and an occasional reminder of how little I mean to him.

#9 Sep 29 - 12AM (Reply to #10)

Susan32

How little I meant to him...

It IS a terrible feeling. Your ex-N (tho psychopath is more like it, in your case) was your SPOUSE. You assumed he'd respect you, treat you with decency, protect you in your times of need... and all he did was abuse and abandon you. The ex-Psych professor (the age gap between yours and mine was similar, both about 15 years our senior) NEVER did an "I effed up", not a song. I mean so little to him he doesn't bother emailing me ANYTHING... not even a "stay away" or "eff off" or a "you hurt my feelings"... heck, not even anything hateful(!!!) I was his STUDENT. I was one of his faithful few for 4 years... then NOTHING. He doesn't even communicate to get that all-precious NS... he hasn't for a decade. Bittersweet indeed. It's terrible when one spouse basically says to another "you're meaningless." It's terrible when a teacher says to his student "you're meaningless." The ex-Psych professor ONLY came to me when he had a chance to get NS... be it admiration or hatred. Yes, I've broken NC a couple of times, but only to gloat about my happiness, and make snarky jabs at his expense (the irony is that my communications to him are A LOT like the emails Ns send to their former victims of "I've moved on, I'm happy, LOL (at your expense)" I am no longer his enabling lackey. I no longer provide supply... only ridicule. If I told him I HATED him, he would be coming back to me over the past decade. He hasn't. There are posters here who say "I'd tell him I'm happy, but I wouldn't do it to hurt him on purpose." Well, I HAVE. In retrospect, I did it ON PURPOSE. And I ENJOYED it. He hated seeing me happy... if I had begged "come back, come back, I love you" he would've wanted it. But I was like the father who gives his child a serpent when the child asks for an egg. Telling another person they're meaningless is one of the biggest insults of all. It cuts to the core of our being.

#10 Sep 29 - 12AM (Reply to #11)

kiwi10

susan

i know... indifference is the opposite of love.i wish i 'nothinged' him. i think he deserves it :( it helps me to hear you think he's a psychopath, because in my craziness i question even his narcdom and blame myself blame blame blame... it never ends...

#11 Sep 29 - 12AM (Reply to #14)

Susan32

Indifference as the opposite of love

The ex-Psych professor was ALWAYS mocking me.... behind my back and to my face. It was his way of saying "you don't matter." In a way, I KNOW how he ticks. THAT'S why he hated being ridiculed (but didn't mind ridiculing others) On another mental health forum, a frequent comment is that the BEST and HEALTHIEST way of dealing with psychopaths is to LAUGH at them. Obviously, you're not at that point yet. I was laughing at the ex-P after the D&D... but not that much, I was still hurting and humiliated. I wasn't completely "over him." There are posters here who say that eventually you'll be laughing at the Narc/Psych... but believe me, it takes TIME and HEALING. Right now, you are in no position to laugh. You are still reeling from the pain. You want to survive. Survival is your top priority. Humor may be the spoonful of sugar that makes the medicine go down; you need the medicine right now. The laughs come later. You need to heal first. I can compare my ex-Narc boss to the ex-Psych professor, and can say the latter was far more sadistic and lacking in conscience. The ex-N tried to make things right, he could mock himself, I had REAL conversations with him. He had SOME feelings of compassion&empathy. When his mother died, he was devastated. He had REAL feelings for her. Would I excuse his lying, bullying, micromanagement and drama? NO WAY. But he had some conscience, some feelings. The ex-P, on the other hand, was sadistic and lacked a conscience. I couldn't have a real conversation with him. Completely lacking in compassion and empathy. If I purposefully hurt his feelings by flaunting my happiness, would I have any remorse? NO WAY. I'd want it to hurt. My ex-Narc boss had a conscience, feelings, so does my Narc grandmother. My ex-Psych professor, NO WAY. I'd rather deal with my former boss than my former professor. Your ex-N sounds downright psychopathic in his cruelty, from the "no crying" in his presence (that's familiar), to the emotional/physical beatings. He has NO FEELINGS. A monster.

#12 Sep 29 - 12AM (Reply to #15)

kiwi10

susan

thanks for that clarification... but what if he does have some empathy, just none for me? i mean, i have seen what seemed like some kind of remorse or empathy... i think... and he could have conversations, also just not with me. not at ALL. NONE. never seen his eyes tear up in 4 years... but he acted sad for a couple of weeks right before the divorce was finalized. i wonder.... my psychologist who has met him thinks he is. he has some ability to stick to responsibilty and also made it through law school... so... i don't know. it does make me feel better to think he is, though

#13 Sep 29 - 12AM (Reply to #16)

Susan32

Psychopaths have a perverse sense of empathy...

They are able to sense the feelings of others. The ex-P purposefully avoided me when I was "too happy." He said he couldn't be around me. There is such a thing as an "empathic psychopath." They ARE able to feel others' pain... and ENJOY inflicting it. My ex-Narc boss and Narc grandmother inflict pain, for the most part unknowingly. "I have seen what seemed like some remorse or empathy... I think"-Sad to say, it's an act. Psychopaths know how to feign remorse, when they don't really MEAN it. Your ex-P was acting sad because he was losing supply. Waaah! He was sad for the same reason my infant nephew is sad when my sister keeps him from doing what he wants (even if it hurts himself) If you don't give a toddler what he wants, of course he'll act sad. Your psychologist confuses me. Your ex-P stuck with law school... that's an IMPERSONAL responsibility. It was to an institution, not a human being with feelings. My ex-P professor got tenure because he stuck to the rules, NOT because he treats his students respectfully. My ex-P professor gets articles published, but that's not because he's dealing with humans directly. No, he pals around with his Daddy because his colleagues can't stand him. And I thought I had a Daddy complex.... Your ex-P sounds psychopathic. My former Narc boss is angelic compared to my former Psych professor.

#14 Sep 29 - 12AM (Reply to #17)

kiwi10

i guess there are two ways

i guess there are two ways to be psychopathic. my c husband scored really high on the calous (spelling?) and heartless part of it, though. some unsucsessful psychopaths, apparently, can;t keep jobs or responsibility. thats not my x. he was really responsible..

#15 Sep 29 - 12AM (Reply to #12)

NancyM

Fierflie

Ask yourself a question here because I would also like to know the answer. Go and find a mirror, look deep into your own eyes, and then come back and tell me who was looking at you. Was it YOU that was looking at you or was it HIM? When you look at yourself do you see what he sees or what you see? This is tricky because you have spent so long looking at yourself through others eyes,that you have forgotten how to look at yourself. You need to turn that off, even if it only for a little while. Even if you go to the mirror, and instead of beating up on yourself, just have a look at that girl in the mirror and say to her, I know you need my help, and I am going to help you. Sending a hug and stop stop stop beating up on yourself. You are worth so much more.

Nevergoback

#16 Sep 29 - 12AM (Reply to #13)

kiwi10

i have been divorced two

i have been divorced two weeks, living apart almost 6 months. i'm starting to see my eyes come back. when i was with him i would look in the mirror and i was HOLLOW. completely. not the reptillian stare he has, but just as empty.. much sadder... my friends say i'm starting to come back, and i can look at myself in the mirror again. girl, when i was with him i SPENT SO MUCH ENERGY AND MONEY on my looks. i put everything into that. i looked so beautiful and so empty and hollow. it turns my stomach. when he left me he said i was too pretty and it gave me a sense of entitlement. i had a dream once about being a sacraficial oriental bride for him.. so, i still see him. but it's getting better :(

#17 Sep 28 - 4PM (Reply to #9)

fooled no longer

sorry about spelling typos writing on my phone

typos! sorry

#18 Sep 28 - 4PM (Reply to #4)

fooled no longer

take that cheuqe and build your life

that song wasnt written to me and all the pain we went though. it was about him him him csdting himself in the role of the war hero! f ing arsewipe if hes a hero the popes jewels. please my dear, call his love that you say you dont have what it is. a bunch of bullshit. if I could come over and sit with you tgrough this I would. share with someone bear you what he did to you abd fet a hug. a real hug, nit a hug and sex that leads to a beating. please read those posts i asked yiu to tgere is no love songs or love poems. take the cheuque baby and feed yourself. He owes you, his sorry ass should be in jail. please I know what you need right now, and its not him or his kind. He will risdt in hell you can count on that. xxxxxx A

#19 Sep 28 - 4PM (Reply to #8)

Scoop

Fooled no longer and beautiful Fierflie

"fucking arsewipe" ... surely this sould be quote of the day ? it says it all xxx

#20 Sep 28 - 4PM (Reply to #5)

kiwi10

i'll read your post. i'm

i'll read your post. i'm sorry i didn't. i dont mean to be so self centered. i wish at least i could stop looking to him for validation. he said nobody would ever treat me as good as he did. he said nobody would take care of me and put up with me.

#21 Sep 28 - 5PM (Reply to #7)

fooled no longer

hes not just a f ing

hes not just a f ing arsewipe Fierflie, hes a a f ing arsewipe with holes in it. somone will love you more abd in areal way than he did. Hes a liar! Ive only known you through your posts here for weeks and even I love you more than he did or ever will. your not self centured. youre just human. Send his arse to hell ! you get angry cos this makes even God angry and use that anger power to fet yourself through school and to your future happy love. We all love you already. Loose yoursself in dance and laugh. xxxxxx

#22 Sep 28 - 4PM (Reply to #6)

jen79

Mindcontrol fierflie

Fierflie you have been abused physically, I was as well with the N I was once married. And the question is always why do women stay with violent men? Cause they treat you like a princess for the rest of the time. It is always like that. I was manipulated in the same way, they belittle you, they make you think you will never find someone again like them. We forget one thing, we dont need anyone to treat us a certain way. We can live on our own. And thats why they tell you this BS. YOu have been manipulated fierflie by a violent narc. I know how you feel. But believe me, all you go through is withdrawl syndrom. Its just chemicals in your brain and body, its like stop smoking. YOu have to believe its getting better. IT IS JUST TEMPORARY!!! Please hang in there fierflie, I promise you, you will be better again soon. Just say NC!

#23 Sep 28 - 4PM

jen79

fierflie

What a shitty day! I know how you feel. Just hang in there, it will be better, I know, cause I had already very good days in between, and I was a mental wreck. Maybe you try something new, you have to do something new to get new inputs and new results and a new feeling about yourself. How about YOGA? It is not only good for body but for your mental heath as well. It increases the serotine, makes you calm and strong at the same time.

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