Jaycee

You are not stupid! No one thinks you are stupid for obsessing. We know you are in agony with the obsessing, and that is why we are trying to throw you lifelines to pull you out of the mud. Because jaycee, we KNOW the pain and obsession, and we are desperately trying to tell you HOW to make it stop, and HOW to get through it. Learn from OUR pain. And what we want you to know is that it doesn't stop until you make steps, any tiny baby step you can, away from the chaos, and away from the narcs and their narc allies, and back toward sanity. Wishing it will stop won't work. No contact is the only thing that works, and that is the hard hard lesson learned by so many people here. And one day you will have learned it too...eventually you WILL get there, you WILL get better, you are already showing a lot of progress by talking more about YOUR feelings and thoughts. That's all we want for you, to find yourself again. You are not stupid, you have been treated horribly and you are reacting like anyone would.

Jaycee, you are in pain. It is legitimate pain, it is hard earned pain, it is fucked up pain but it is pain. You are right, I can't feel you pain, but I felt pain...I've been bowed over in pain, unable to function, unable to sleep, so screwed up in the head I prayed someone would just bash me in the head with a hammer and knock me out of my misery. I copped some adavan from a friend cause I couldn't get to a friggin doctor and I knew the psych ward wasn't where I wanted to be - but would they keep me in the state I was in...uh...probably. I know the pain you are describing. I may not be feeling it in your intensity right now, but I've been there so I empathize with you. Getting it all out is healthy. And whether you believe it or not, in retelling your story today, I see a great amount of strength - because despite documenting your pain and your feelings, you are also showing that you recognize certain realities about them. This is what is going to help you get out of the vortex you are stuck in. AND JAYCEE, it is gonna take time. I think that given the amount of time you've invested, it would be abnormal to think you'd just snap out of it. I understand obsessing is part of it...we've all done it...at times I still do it - I'm on an upswing for the moment, but I'm not confident I'm homefree - not by a longshot. The obsessing is not wrong - its part of this whole disaster we all find ourselves in. What I'd like you to try - and I know it's hard right now so be kind and easy to yourself...baby steps. Try to recognize that the reality now and you've acknowledged it yourself...you said it and admitted, that the relationship was an illusion. Your LOVE was not an illusion, but the relationship - the man you were with-the man you thought you married was an illusion. If that is correct - then the thinking you have about them being happy is also an ILLUSION. You hit the hammer on the nail...you said you were addicted to him. Yes, we become addicted because they create those things we desperately crave they are keen and they know exactly how to weasel their way into our psyche...that's why this hurts so much. We've been emotionally RAPED. Do not be mad at yourself for loving, do not be mad at yourself for not being aggressive. In all of your posts, the worse thing I've heard you say you did was pack his bags and throw him out - and honey, you were a saint to do that. Do you know how much courage and strength that took? Do you really? You took a stand and said get the fuck out!!! AND, while you admit to secretly wishing you hadn't...which yea, I'll fess up, I emotionally backtracked too...you haven't yet said "Baby Come Home." Have you given yourself credit for that? That no matter how much it hurts, Jaycee is still holding her ground no matter how much it hurts? You knock yourself for not getting the pound of flesh telling that bitch off or maybe yanking her hair or doing something back to her. Do you realize that the biggest demonstration of strength is restraint?...We've both seen cat fights in our lives hey?...Regardless, you have maintained your dignity, class and decency. What is there bad that can be said about you? Despite your pain, your anger...you are here sharing with us, but you haven't done anything that would qualify you as "insane" You have to feel your anger, you have to feel your sadness-but at a certain point, despite that anger and frustration and sadness and overwhelming grief, you need to say...enough you will no longer have control over my mind. This is where your challenge is, you are having a very hard time taking your control back. I understand no contact is impossible right now because of your circumstances but let me ask you...just because someone talks, do you HAVE to listen? I remember when I was a kid, children would taunt me. I'd get all worked up in a huff get all upset, either try to kick their ass, or get so hurt I'd cry...*I've always been a creature of extremes...LOL. And I would repeatedly be told...Michele, ignore them. Ignore them?! Impossible. One day I tried it. They kept at it for a while, then I tried it some more. Over time, they got bored and stopped messing with me. Its the same with your Narc. He may up the ante a bit at first because he's also caught up in the addiction of screwing with your mind; however, once he sees that Jaycee isn't having any of it, he'll go look for someone else to make miserable. The other side of the coin Jaycee, even in healthier relationships that don't work out...sometimes we don't ever stop loving the person. That's okay as long as we can accept that the relationship is no longer. No one can stop your love but you...I can't, no one can. BUT, the reality is, that there is still an option when you love someone who is unwilling or unable to reciprocate the love you have...you can choose to love them from a distance. You can know he's terribly flawed, harmful and dangerous to your well being, but if you can't let go of the love yet, you don't have to. You don't have to hate if that isn't in your nature. You can still love in secret but from a distance. Or, you can openly hate him...LOL, but in my estimation, the goal would be indiffence because hate doesn't always harm them but will eat YOU up inside. Jaycee, if you want to have a hissy fit next time asshat shows up...why not just do it, let it out, tell him what a piece of shit you think he is? Call up your lawyer, meet with him, get your ducks in a row, then let him have it. Maybe that is what is blocking you, that you are expressing it to us, but are frustrated because you haven't felt like you've been able to direct the anger to the proper people. The lack of closure I am sure isn't helping. That was one of the most difficult aspects for me. BUT, I can't force it, and I know it would lack sincerity so what can I do? I can only admit that I am powerless. I'm going to pose another question Jaycee. While your pain is valid, if your husband were not a sex addict but say a crack addict, would you still be twisted in knots? I presume you might be because you love him and people don't just abandon people they love until they've run out of steam and are depleted, but maybe not to this extent. Infedelity has been tolerated for generations...it's a man thing...that's what they've brainwashed us women to believe. BUT, if he were sitting there day in and day out smoking crack, smelling up your house, not bathing, stealing your tv or better yet...your dustpan! Would you still be envious of the prize the whore won? I think I know you well enough to say CERTAINLY NOT!...well Jaycee, I'm going to say this: An addict is an addict...crack, meth, heroin, sex...it's all addiction. An addict is an addict. SO...view him as a crack addict, he could never give you what you wanted, what you needed and he will never be able to give you or anyone else anything because HE IS SICK and beyond cure. I think from the way you described your feelings about the stie I suggested -made you ill, you are not going to be one of those women who "walk the steps" with him. I am happy for that Jaycee - and that's why I wanted you to see it. You deserve much much much better. You also know that, which is why you are so bent out of shape. AHA...this is all a normal part of the process...Jaycee is okay and she's not losing her mind...she's deeply hurt and traumatized and understandably so. Jaycee, you did not lose anything. You won...you just don't see the prize yet. You are going to get yourself together, you will heal in time, you will be much wiser and when you get to better footing, your tolerence for bullshit will decrease significantly...it's an added bonus from being burned by that nasty NARC. I will put my hands on fire Jaycee that in time, when you start healing and getting stronger...the whore will envy you. You know why? Because when the chickens come home to roost...as they alway do - she will envy the fact that "YOU GOT AWAY" and your suffering has ended. And she will see just what a piece of shit he is, and don't be surprised if one day...can't tell you when you just might get a phone call from her apologizing if only to try to verify if she's gone mad or not...I speak from experience dear. I did not taunt but if you read my story, I was the OW...a month and a half ago, I picked up the phone and made amends and told her that her day had arrived. I apologized and explained all that happened and made amends for any pain I caused her, and knowing what I knew about narcs, shared with her that I hope she's healing *which apparently she hasn't still and my heart goes out to her...but I wanted to give her the validation that I knew her piece of shit husband never did, and advised her to research narcissism. I called her woman to woman, and gave a sincere apology. Jaycee, either way whether it comes or not - victory is yours because you are strong. You lived 24 years of hell. There is nothing weak about you. Let it out and maybe try to find a 12 step support group that addresses the issues. I've looked into Adult Children of Alcoholics. While you may not come from an Alcoholic home, survivors have similar stories of pain, putting others before themselves, co-dependency...these issues are universal with people like us. Right now, there doesn't seem to be a 12 step for us, but we on this board are all pioneers...one day it can come to fruition...in the meantime, keep on reaching out. It is a sign of strength...it is a sign of a determined spirit. Stop putting yourself down - he's done that long enough. All the best my love...please please be tender with yourself. Hugs...