Recovering from Someone with NPD

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#1 Mar 17 - 8AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Recovering from Someone with NPD

Hope this helps someone.

excerpt:

The person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

* Lacks the ability to empathize. They can fake it on and off, but if you have enough exposure to the person, eventually you will see this pattern clearly. They may show zero emotion when hearing news of, for example, deep suffering of huge numbers of people.

* Loves attention, even bad attention.

* As psychiatrist Thom Hartmann says, they "Kiss up and Kick Down", meaning they are incapable of having truly healthy relationships. They regard other humans as a kind of resource to be used for their own ends. People they have relationships with become part of their "pyramid marketing scheme downline".

* Goes from incredible highs to deep lows. When they are high, they might not be able to stop talking. When they are low, they struggle to say good morning. (seems bipolar but is not)

* May fly into a rage at the slightest provocation on some days. And at other times, they seem impervious even to the most brutal attack. They might stay awake all night wrestling with a single innocuous thing you said to them the day before, and then launch at you the next day with some bizarre logical conclusion of it.

* When you challenge their behavior, you may quickly move from Friend to Enemy. Sufferers of NPD think in black-and-white terms. You are either "with them or against them".

* Ultimately, they are at the center of the universe. Just like an alcoholic, they will risk a lot to get their next fix.

* Their relationships with newcomers go through three stages that I have identified: (1) Enchantment to (2) Disenchantment to (3) Contempt. [ ] They may go directly to the Contempt stage if the new person show no signs of adoration or reverence early on.

* Often respond in the opposite way to what you might expect. (BACKWARDS reactions - they attack when they should comfort)

* They are attracted to positions of power and particularly those where their decisions are rarely questioned. They regard themselves as "the decider". They often just don't get that others may have a contribution to make to the decision process. You can see that in their language. They talk as if they have the facts. They begin sentences like this "the reality is..." and "the fact is..." and so on.

* NPD starts early and its sufferers have over decades developed an impressive range of dis-empowerment skills, from "you are being too sensitive" to talk about a person being a "good person" or a "bad person".

* They are masters at setting one person against another, and they construct a culture of distrust and hostility.

* They always believe they are right.

From what I have read, NPD sufferers rarely get clinically diagnosed, let alone treated. I can understand that. Just imagine waking up with the notion that you might be afflicted with this condition; you would have to build your life from scratch, even if you did believe treatment were possible - which it's not.

There are plenty of people out there who have suffered at the hands of a Narcissist, and extensive research has been done to help you identify it. The Internet is awash with anecdotes, life stories, and the results of research.

The best thing you can do to protect yourself from a Narcissist is to stay away from them. Give it time and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, if you are exposed to it in someone in whom you have personally invested, will hurt you. I guarantee it. It's a slow nibbling-to-death process.

First, you're attracted to this striking person because you seem to have so much in common with them, and striking they are, as they weave a web around you. They know exactly how to get attention - they've been perfecting the art since childhood. What's really happening is you are being prepared for dinner. Their dinner. And you are but one of their side-dishes. They don't count how many little folks like you they have consumed over the years.

A spider doesn't count the flies he eats and he has no feelings for any of them. The fly is just dinner; that's the fly's place in this world. When you have a relationship with someone under the influence of NPD, you are the fly.

http://portfolio-living.blogspot.com/2007/02/narcissist-as-boss.html

Jan 5 - 10PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Recovering from Someone With NPD

READ TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Sep 1 - 9PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

recovering from someone with NPD?

READ THE TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Jul 14 - 11PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Nmother

Joan Crawford is much too extreme an example. Remember the mother in "Everybody Loves Raymond"? That's more like mine. Covert. Seems to be all-loving and sweet. (heck mine even looked like her.) I was the brunt of everything when my Dad wasn't around. Everything. How I could have been a "hateful baby" as she claimed is beyond me. My love for my children is unconditional. But LISTEN to the ACONS on this board when we talk about our NParent(s). And those of you fighting for custody or supervised visitation - READ AND HEED. Keep your children away from the N as much as possible. PLEASE! If you're vacillating about getting out of a marriage/ partnership with an N because you MISTAKELY think 'kids should have both parents' - STOP. An N can never be a true parent. They are torturers of children - emotionally & psychologically. Please don't condemn them to a lifetime of being an NMagnet and forever miserable. Please. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 14 - 11PM (Reply to #46)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ACONS

Yes, if anyone can keep their kids from being exposed to an N, please do so. To this day, I very much resent my mother who thinks she was a great mom(heh!)...she's in her 70's NOW, and I hardly speak to her, only at the rare family gathering when they are there. She's selfish, judgemental, emotionally void, shallow as hell, has raged out of control at times, including pinning me to the ground when I was a feaking kid...She has 'jokingly' said many times that she wished she stopped at 3 kids (there are six of us, I'm #4)..how do you think that made me feel? Unwanted, that's how. She was the life of the party, but oddly, my parents had very few friends. My dad worked and went to college full time when I was a kid, so he wasn't around as much as I wanted. She never did anything to help develop us into successful people, no advice, no nothing. Just criticism, especially of our friends. Of course, we could never tell anyone anything, it was FAMILY BUSINESS. I was always uncomfortable around her and mainly just stayed out of her way. She was very controlling...lots of kids, and very controlling of food. It was all about HER, the only thing she cared about was my dad and having her spotless house. To this day, she's so annoying with her name-dropping, and only talking about well-known family members - in the media, etc...She sent me an email not long ago saying, 'we've heard from the other girls, but not you'. Because of guilt, I sent an email to update her. Never heard back - sooo, what was the purpose of sending it??? My point is...having a narc parent has FAR-REACHING effects throughout your whole life, including being targeted by narcs.
Jul 14 - 10PM
devoured_soul (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

"They are attracted to

"They are attracted to positions of power and particularly those where their decisions are rarely questioned. They regard themselves as "the decider". They often just don't get that others may have a contribution to make to the decision process. You can see that in their language. They talk as if they have the facts. They begin sentences like this "the reality is..." and "the fact is..." and so on." Thanks for this. My exN on more than one occasion "quoted" the Bible... "in the Bible, it states that Man should love his wife as Jesus loved the church. And the wife should submit to her husband." He LOVED to use the Bible as a "weapon", for lack of a better word. It was like the Bible "had his back." His church going was only to uphold his precious image. He didn't care what God thought when he was fucking me while still married and he didn't care what God thought when we had premarital sex but it was soooooo important to not "live in sin". Why? Cuz people would know we lived together...his family and colleagues. No one saw him fucking me. As he put it once, "they can only assume, they don't know for sure, but if we lived together, they'd know for sure." Sometimes I feel like I am spinning my wheels, going over the same things again and again, reliving it. I feel like I talk in circles cuz that's how it is in my head. No direction, no place to go, no rhyme nor reason. Just a bunch of shit up there, spewing out like an out of control watering system in a yard in the middle of no where with no one watching it, tending to it, making sure it's nourishing the entire lawn as opposed to just spewing a bunch of worthless crap on the weeds and not the grass. UGH.
Jul 14 - 11PM (Reply to #44)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cosmic narcissism

you would do SOOO much better in therapy. A CBT therapist would help you a lot. these might also interest you: http://www.inebriateddiscourse.com/2009/06/cosmic-narcissism-new-psychological.html http://revcjconner.com/?cat=27 ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 14 - 10PM (Reply to #43)
Jodie
Jodie's picture

Bible

Mine did the same thing, quoted scripture. Said, "we took vows before God!!" he used to pray out loud every night, holding my hand. He prayed like an experienced preacher then got up the next day and indulged in porn, drugs, fighting, what have you. If those vows meant so much to him he wouldn't be cheating on his wife (me) right now! He's a hypocrite and a fake. "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jul 14 - 10PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

pretzel logic

Once in a VERY great while someone will send me something Psycho-Boy's written (on politics) and the pretzel-logic is mind boggling. They have us soooo brainwashed, we listen to it and figure either WE heard it wrong or WE aren't understanding them... but really they are just idiots! And I can't stress ENOUGH - I say this to members here ALLLLL the time - THEY ARE NOT NORMAL & THEY LIVE IN THEIR OWN REALITY. I am not making a joke - they are not, in my opinion, even HUMAN. No genuine human would say some of the TWISTED things they do. Genuine humans can be stupid but at least there's some thread of reality there. These people? NOPE. NADA!!!! (and GOD FORBID you try to tell them they aren't dealing with reality - you'll never hear the end of it) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Aug 16 - 2PM (Reply to #36)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

My narc has writen lots of

My narc has writen lots of papers recently on politics , when we where together i gently stopped him making many mistakes in his political life but the day after we split up he did a Gerry Muguire type mission statement which has him suspended from our party . He writes alot about anti racism but he uses hateful slang words to discribe diffrent ethnic groups behind close doors .If he ever climbs the ladder in the political world too high i have many ways to kick him off it , like saved msn messages where he used the "n" word . such is the fog in my brain i compleatly forgot this . Peru x
Aug 16 - 3PM (Reply to #37)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

perutoo

Psycho-Boy has a blog and is a BIG DEAL in right wing politics. if you visit my site about him: http://stumblingblock.wordpress.com - you will see his online nickname - and his blog is linked there within many of the posts. Can we say HYPOCRITES? ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone
Aug 16 - 4PM (Reply to #38)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

i couldnt see any

i couldnt see any information on this blog site . Is there another link ? peru x
Aug 16 - 5PM (Reply to #39)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

perutoo - links

Psycho-Boy tends to trace back EVERY LINK so I don't want him coming here his blog is yidwithlid (DOT) blogspot (DOT) com there are loads of links EMBEDDED on that site within the posts. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone
Aug 17 - 2PM (Reply to #40)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Oh my what a load of right

Oh my what a load of right wing uneducated bollocks , my narc is a Palestinian sympathiser and does some work for the PLO .The fool . Lets lock the both of them in a room and let them fight it out , do us both a favour !Its strange but i really do believe right and left meet round the back , some of the things your narc comes out with is the same as mine but just diffrent targets . Peru x
Aug 17 - 2PM (Reply to #41)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

perutoo

hee hee - put your narc on his mailing list... Psycho-Boy is such a hypocrite - calling people Narcs and liars when he is the biggest one of all. I'm Jewish and a Zionist but I would never project the way he does... he's a projection MACHINE! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone
Jul 14 - 7PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

recovering from the narcissist

~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jun 4 - 5PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

more for courtneyj

~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Mar 18 - 9PM
grossot
grossot's picture

This is so exact! It answers

This is so exact! It answers my question: Why does he think that way?! I ask myself this question because of his total inability to accept contridiction. He said "you can't say i've ever been a bad father because I never said you were a bad mother" Wow. Lisa, I agree with barara hoping you slapped that N for the not really comment. you should never have been de-valued like that. Must have been confirming for you huh? I said to my N once "did you ever pray for me?" He said, "yea, I prayed for you all the time; I prayed that you'd love me more and take better care of me" BTW - I think the mothership dropped them off for a reason - they don't want them; they ponned them off on our poor planet. nolongercontrolled
Mar 19 - 8PM (Reply to #29)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

The mothership :)

Thanks for the good laugh! Yes, the mothership is definitely not coming back for them and they seem to keep dropping more and more of these alien narcs on our planet every day! Oh, I kicked him out and slammed the door in his face. That was the last time I saw him.
Mar 19 - 8PM (Reply to #30)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

glad to hear that Lisa

What a thing to say - JERK I need to share some of the beauts I heard during or after sex with ex NH (who after 5 years would only have sex when the infertility dr. TOLD HIM TO... and ZERO foreplay - unless it was TO him - NONE for me) "there's your deposit now leave me alone" "stop moving - you are such a nympho whore" (hadn't had sex in FOUR MONTHS when I heard that one) "stop making noise - you are so gross" "are you done?" "this is wierd and don't kiss me" "you enjoy sex? you're sick!" Lovely - did so much for my self esteem. I refused to initiate after the kids came so there was nothing -- for years & years... yet he blamed me and SWORE he was normal. Barbara http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com
Mar 19 - 9PM (Reply to #31)
grossot
grossot's picture

He's not normal. You are.

He's not normal. You are. He would think anyone was a "sexual flop" - Sam V. Because he's the greatest thing that ever existed. He probably fantasized himself the whole time. nolongercontrolled
Mar 19 - 9PM (Reply to #32)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks

I know he was just trying to devalue me. This is where PSYCHO-BOY Got me. Since we'd had a physical relationships years before, he got me to open up about how ex NH had treated me by sharing what a horrible disappointment his wife had turned out to be. A few weeks later he love-bombed me and overwhelmed me sexually before I could even come up for air - typical psychopath - he'd profiled me. Barbara http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com [BTW - I avoid Sam V. like the plague. I prefer to get my information from healthier and more credible sources. FYI - http://enpsychopedia.org/index.php/Sam_Vaknin and http://www.magicreal.com.au/filmandtv.php?film=4]
Mar 18 - 4PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Narcs and Reality

His memory may not be selective. It genuinely may NOT BE THERE. They believe everything they say AS THEY SAY IT (this is why so many pass lie detector tests). Once said it's gone. POOF... Here's a good article that shows how deeply messed up and incurable they are from my favorite author on Narcs, the late Kathy Krajco: A Narcissist's Strange Relationships A narcissist's strange relationship with himself has many ramifications for his relationship to others, which is just as warped. He relates to himself as a fictional character. He also authors the story. Everyone has a personal narrative, but a narcissist's gives new meaning to the term. He relates to you as but a character, not a real person. Now, imagine you're a novelist writing away, and some character comes out on the page telling you that, no, the story doesn't go this way: it goes that way. Bizarre, eh? Well, in a way, that's what you are doing when you contradict the narcissist's fantasy. He has utter, utter contempt for reality and truth. He is the creator of his own universe, which he makes up on the fly. No exaggeration. He is like a little child playing Pretend with her friends. She wants to author the story, and her little friends must just play along. She will stamp her foot and yell at a playmate who doesn't like the role she's assigned him and cry, "NO! You're not supposed to that! You're supposed to do this!" Narcissists don't dare admit that this is what they're up to with their pathological lying. Probably they repress consciousness of it themselves. But this is what they're doing when they tell you bizarre lies that they (should) know you couldn't possibly believe. They don't want you to BELIEVE it. They just want you to play along. They just want you act as though it's true. They want you not to contradict their fantasy. For, you make it hard for them to maintain their delusions when you don't play along. That's all they want. You are NOTHING but a bit character in a story all about them. Characters aren't persons. Characters aren't human beings with minds and thoughts and feelings. They are figments. Ask any narcissist what they think you think. They will gape at you as if the question doesn't make sense. You might as well ask him what his screw driver thinks. One might as well have asked Shakespeare what he thought Hamlet thinks about the play. Hamlet ain't a person. He's just a character. A caricature. A piece on the author's chess board. And so are you in the smoke and mirrors of a narcissist's world, which is the Twilight Zone. http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2007/08/narcissists-strange-relationships.html AND ONE MORE FOR YOU: http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2008/11/disdain-for-reality.html
Jul 14 - 9PM (Reply to #19)
Jodie
Jodie's picture

I loved this article

I was always bewildered and dumbfounded by the things that would come out of his mouth, it all makes sense now...he REALLY did live in his own twisted fantasy. When I told him he was a drug addict (because he spent countless weekends doing cocaine for many years) he'd always come back with, "No I'm not!!! I'm an athlete!!" or when the therapist said to him ,"I only want you to have eyes for your wife." my N's response was, "Uh! I know! So does she!!" or the time he said he thought it would be really cool to get in a really bad car accident as long as he survived it. I'd never met anyone like him, I was stunned with his logic. "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jul 14 - 10PM (Reply to #22)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Huh? what U say?

Jodie, You really come up with some good ones. How your comments spark a memory I thought I forgot. Thanks! Yes, it’s strange what they will sometimes. Saying something that made no sense at the time and/or is misplaced in a way. I often wonder if they said just about anything that come to mind before even thinking about it? For me one was when I came home from work one day and before I could even get my coat off, my ex was sitting at the kitchen table with her hands folded and her head turn sideways not even looking at me. She ask me and stated “Jim, why do people kept taking my kids away from me?” Like I stated I just walk through the door so the question caught me by surprise and second her demeanor was, well just kind of strange. Anyway, I just told her after a few seconds this “D I don't know“. Well the truth is I did know but what I knew isn’t what she wanted to hear. She didn’t want to hear the truth which was she walk out of those children’s life and never attempted to maintain some can of relationship with them. She had custody rights after the divorce albeit with only supervised visitation but she could have seen them, she could have had some type of contact with them. But she didn’t and instead opt out and never in those 14 years (we were together for 17 years) never tried to see them. If after 14 years to that date If had learned anything. I have learned never to tell them anything they really don’t want to hear. Why? Because it only will give them a reason to attack you if not now then later and also what you said will be projected on you at a later day as well. While at this time I didn't know anything about personality disorder, I guess I must have done this out of some kind of defend mechanism? Call it a lie (“D, I don’t know“) or call it anything you might want but what I call it is putting out a fire before it even starts. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Jul 14 - 10PM (Reply to #23)
Jodie
Jodie's picture

James

Yes, very strange no doubt. She knew deep down inside, and the fact that she wanted nothing to do with her children is very disturbing, they are great at blaming others. I barely made it out alive after 5 years, I have no idea how you (and others on this board) made it past 10. Bless your souls, I'm serious!!! "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jul 14 - 11PM (Reply to #26)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Really I don't?

Jodie, truth be told I really don't know that myself and others who had relationships for longer periods then mine. I always contribute it to God blessing for surly I just don't know how I make it out alive and don't believe I ever will. PS: and thanks for the blessing!!
Jul 14 - 11PM (Reply to #27)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

length of time

exNH and I were married over 20 years. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 14 - 10PM (Reply to #24)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

unable to communicate with or trust them

Yes, I know only too well the inability to talk openly to them - about anything. I went through 12 years of infertility treatments for PCOS. My mother blamed ME for the PCOS and thought I did something to bring it on myself (it's genetic!! I started symptoms at age NINE!) and made devastating comments to me my whole life about the symptoms and what she thought of them. She used this illness of mine like a club to hit me with. Later when I developed Atypical M.S. - same thing, so I told her nothing. One day she told me she was convinced I took 'TOO MANY VITAMINS and ATE TOO MUCH HEALTH FOOD' and that was why I was disabled!! But I had learned when I was young not to talk to her about anything. I went through an awful lot as a child & teen & young adult a l o n e. The worst was those 12 years of treatments. Every procedure, drug and surgery that was available at the time - I did. And I told her NOTHING. My own mother. I could never look to her for support. It was hard to hold back the laughter when she picked up one of my children one day and said "thank god you didn't do those fertility drugs. You'd have had monster babies." ...if only she knew. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths
Jul 14 - 11PM (Reply to #25)
Jodie
Jodie's picture

Barbara

I truly feel for you. I know what it's like to have a N husband and father, but to have one for a mother must be even more traumatizing. Moms are supposed to heal, nurture, protect, love, show empathy. I'm sorry she was so cruel, reminds me of Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest. At least you have your own children now ;) "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jul 14 - 10PM (Reply to #20)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Jodie

He's an athlete?! What a joke. He thinks doing lots of cocaine makes him an athlete. What a moron. You are so lucky to be rid of him.