What a great piece. I loved the part that said about lies..."They don't want you to BELIEVE it, they just want you to play along." That describes SO WELL the fantasy life my N wanted to have with me. And of course the internet makes it so much easier to have such a fantasy life.
Fits my N to a T. The thing that was most confusing for me was that one day he would be outraged over something petty, but the next day I could totally insult him and it wouldn't faze him. He built me up more than anyone I'd ever been with...but just as quickly he'd bring me down with the dogs. It was this back and forth kind of abuse. "You're beautiful, you're amazing, you're so smart...etc. etc." to "You're white trash, you're a hillbilly, you're a psycho..." I never knew WHAT I was to him.
It's amazing once you do leave them, they really truly do not care. I mean, it's baffling. They aren't able to establish any bonds so spending 5 years with them is like spending 3 months. I remember asking him "Do you feel closer to me now than you did when we first started dating 5 years ago?" His response, "Ehhh closer? No, not really." Who ARE these people?????
"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."
"He built me up more than anyone I'd ever been with...but just as quickly he'd bring me down with the dogs."
Jodie I remember how she made me feel, like a knight in shinning armor and a great lover roll up in one..
Well, that's before the crushing blows to my heart self-esteem and knighthood.
They are inhuman. They have no ability to feel. The "not really" comment reminds me of one time I asked the narcissist I was dating:
"Do you have any feelings for me outside the bedroom?"
His response: "No, not really."
"His response: "No, not really.""
Lisa, he didn't say that did he???, Well yes of course he did but OMG some of the BS that just comes out of their mouth is totality unbelievable.. Guess I never get use to that, huh??
"Do you have any feelings for me outside the bedroom?"
His response: "No, not really."
Please tell me you slapped him.
Hard.
I wish their Mothership would come back for them.
All of the comments remind me too of things my STBX said or did. When I threw down my sack of saved cards he had given me over 21 years of marriage, all very loving and "appreciative". he looked as if he had just arrived from another planet. Like....
"I said that or wrote that?" When I reminded him of how he had apologized profusely for his first affair and told me that he "adored" me, couldn't believe how he "almost gave this up", did I have any idea "how much " he loved me his response was: "I don't remember that." Well, as you all know, I rememberd it like yesterday because it was the only thing that kept me in the marriage at that point. I foolishly believed he had been sincere and had "learned" something important. Oh but...."gee....I don't REMEMBER that."
His memory of things that happened or were said between us is so completely different from mine that it still amazes me. And I can definitely say that MY memory is the correct one because I was So focused on Exactly what he said that there was No distortion or mistake. I would even write it down after the conversation, just to make sure I wasn't crazy. Oh, but....I could never convince him of what he had said or done. "I didn't say that. I didn't do that." Funny how "selective" memory can be, isn't it? CM
Has anyone else thought about or is thinking about carrying around a tape recorder whenever we talk to them? So we can play back to tape to make sure what they said is in fact what was said? I know I many times told her in the past that I should do that because we would disagree so many times about what was said or what wasn't said.
With exNH.
Numerous times.
When I played them back he'd swear every time that I had somehow "doctored the tape" because he'd "NEVER say that!"
Finally he grabbed the microrecorder one time and threw it against the wall saying "instead of listening to that thing why aren't you listening to me?"
Hand
Forehead
Staple....
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Really, that's the hardest part of all this crazy making. It's almost like there were to separate life's being lived at the same time. Their reality and then our reality! I often wonder what reality I belong too whenever she thought about me, or did she think about me???
Question, questions..
http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
He at times pulled this on me as well, and after a while it wasn't worth the tiresome arguments. Eventually, I just would say something like, "I must have heard you wrong then". It's not that I really did think that, but I said that to just put an end to it.
What a cruel thing to do, and how sad that it's more important to them to win then to maybe agree, or *gasp* consider your feelings?
"He at times pulled this on me as well, and after a while it wasn't worth the tiresome arguments. Eventually, I just would say something like"
Same here quietude, after awhile the boys and I would just say "sure whatever D/mom whatever". It got to be a type of habit for us because we said it so many times just to avoid a fight and/or disagreement. Boy does it ever get tiresome!! We just get sooooo tired of it!!
http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Of course its impossible to understand. YOU are normal - they are PATHOLOGICAL. Thank GOD you can't understand that!!
This may help:
Truth as a Relative Quantity
by Kathy Krajco
...like little children, narcissists view truth as a relative quantity, not an absolute.
People whose thinking is thus screwed up go around talking about "your truth" and "my truth," "your reality" and "my reality." They have conveniently slipped from acknowledging that people have different points of view (and therefore different perspectives) into the logical error that they actually view different objects or events.
I mentioned that such people think to determine THE truth by making their version bigger than yours. This is why people whose thinking is thus screwed up go around talking as though truth is determined by popular opinion. For example, here's the typical anti-American's favorite club:
"The whole world hates you Americans, so you're hateful."
(Sorry, Charlie, the people full of hate are the hateful ones.) Anti-Americanism is collective narcissism, and we see the same behavior pattern in individuals suffering from NPD.
They want to be better than you, so they go and tell everybody some big lie about you. Then they say ...
"You are a bad person because everybody says so."
They thus make "their truth" bigger than yours by ganging up on it. The "truth" is thus determined by popular vote. To a narcissist, truth is nothing more than a perception, a thing that may be falsified.
If your brain is programmed with that logical error, it acts as a virus in a computer does, screwing up your reasoning ability. This is why willful irrationality (if habitual) damages mental health and can end in insanity.
So, it ain't smart to trash your mind by deluding yourself and "rationalizing" things. That's what narcissists do to themselves by being Peter Pans who refuse to grow up = refuse to put away Magical Thinking at the Age of Reason like children normally do.
You can understand why they like it in Never-Never Land and refuse to come out. But it's such a tragedy. For themselves and for everyone they attack ever after.
http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2006/02/truth-as-relative-quantity.html
I often wondered whether he remembered saying something obnoxious when he denied saying it the next day "I didn't say that, you didn't hear properly, you have defective hearing." So I really didn't know whether he suffered from genuine selective memory or was actually being calculatingly abusive.
One thing which will always stick in my mind was on the day I walked out on him when his abuse had passed the point of no return. As I went to walk out the door he said to me
"You know where I am if you need me". I looked at him and said "Why would I need YOU, I would need you like I would need a hole in the head!"
When I (stupidly) returned a few hours later, he asked me why I had said that I wished he had a hole in his head?
I said that? Huh, I don't think so, but it shows how they just don't get it.
Rosy P
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"Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone
LOL yep. He's an idiot!
"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."
What a great piece. I loved
the internet & their fantasy life
The Face of Evil
Wow
"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."
for sure for sure
"No, not really"
OMG
Lisa
impossible to understand
Anyone else?
I did that
Ditto on That!
This hits home
Whatever D
Narcs and Truth
What he said
recovering