Radioactive

35 posts / 0 new

#1 Aug 29 - 4PM

gettinbetter

Radioactive

These people the N's really are radioactive and if you stay with them long enough you slowly and painfully get radiation poisioning until it sucks the life out of you and you start feeling physically ill. Really its the truth. The only thing that gets to me is.. they didnt choose this for themselves no one would its usually a result of abuse either neglect or over idealization from parent. Mine was adopted and I am convinced that that is at the source of this. It really is very sad but you still cant allow them to poision you. I know easier said the done. Trust me I know I've been thru it TWICE now with a 15 year gap in between.

#2 Aug 30 - 7PM

helldweller

talk of happiness

mine was so bizarre. his eyes would glaze over and he'd say, "Honey, there are four things I'm looking for, and no one understands that. Sunday dinner in my own home with my own family is one of them. No one has ever guessed the others." Ummmm . . . a fresh human head in the fridge at all times? child porn On Demand? Let's see . . . one more, one more . . . Oh yeah! My girlfriend in the mental institution!

#3 Aug 30 - 10PM (Reply to #33)

wholeagain

LMAO

Oh the poor, poor misunderstood man isn't getting his Norman Rockwell Sunday dinner (because he's too busy going on dates with hot men in tight shorts maybe?) I can't wait til you move!

#4 Aug 31 - 6PM (Reply to #34)

ShaynasMommy

LMAO..me too!

"(because he's too busy going on dates with hot men in tight shorts maybe?)" That's not a maybe! Iv'e been paying very close attention to your posts, helldweller!

#5 Aug 30 - 8PM (Reply to #32)

gettinbetter

LMAO! tears in my eyes

funny funny funny! i just dont want it to be my head in the fridge! you have no idea how hard I am laughing right now. My daughter is looking at me like oh gosh crazy mommy is back LOL

#6 Aug 30 - 6PM

Briseis

Bravo!!

YEAH!! So true. The psychiatric community believes they are born that way, it's a kind of brain damage or abnormality that can be inherited :( . Which accounts for a lot of them having horrendous childhoods and abuse. Anyway, that is beautiful. Radioactive. You can't see it . . . right away. The damage is subtle, like a frog in boiling water. PRetty soon your teeth are falling out, you are bald and you have leukemia and you are dying :( The trouble is that we get confused, addicted to the drama and the "good him", and keep ourselves in the blast zone to be fried and fried. That's the part we play in our own destruction. We stick around and WISH it weren't really plutonium. The saddest part is that we (myself WAY included here) believe that just by wanting and wishing him to be what we want him to be, that we'll make it come true. The narc does not bind us to him. He only convinces us to bind ourselves to him. But the door is always open, we can walk away at any time. I eventually did but not before going through some aspect of every story on this board.

#7 Aug 30 - 7PM (Reply to #30)

wholeagain

Briseis

Excellent point: "The narc does not bind us to him. He only convinces us to bind ourselves to him. But the door is always open, we can walk away at any time."

#8 Aug 29 - 10PM

Susan32

That explains so much...

A common theme during the D&D was the ex-Psych professor telling me to "keep my distance" and that I wouldn't be suffering if I thought of him in a different way. After all, he had said early on in my freshman year "don't take what I say personally." Interestingly,both these reccomendations- 1)Keep your distance 2)Don't take what they say personally Are OFTEN on websites about how to deal with Narcs,if one must. He was repeatedly telling me to "keep my distance"--and that included emotional distance (of course he did the push/pull) Narcs/Psychs are afraid of emotional intimacy... but in a sense, did the ex-P sense that he WAS dangerous and that it was necessary for me to be distant from him, just for my own sake? It's like he was saying throughout the D&D "I'm radioactive/stay away."

#9 Aug 29 - 10PM (Reply to #10)

gettinbetter

yes Susan 32

I do believe some of them (not all) do know they are not quite right. I believe mine is one of them. I often felt like he wanted to be able to love me he just did know how. The only emotions he can display are all negative. On occassion and they were few and far between he would have little moments of clarity. They are smart they look around and see that others have normal relationships and even when they end they dont all end badly. Theirs all end badly. I do believe many of them know they are toxic. Like I said mine said "I love you. He loves you. We both love you but hell treat you better than me" this was said after 3 months of "Im so glad I have a second chance with you and Im gonna do whatever it takes to get you back" I believe at certain times he wanted that He just has no capability to do so. All that being said. He didnt choose to be like this no one would. All the drama, upheval, on relationship after another. No one would do that just to do that. They just are and I think its very frustrating to them. I think they suffer from "If I aint happy aint no one gonna be happy syndrome" They are constantly looking for happiness and fulfillment but they never get it. It must be incredibly frustrating. Just like I said "Ground Hog Day"

#10 Aug 30 - 6PM (Reply to #12)

anonymous

How Much They Talk About Happiness

It's amazing, isn't it? How much they constantly talk about happiness - their quest for happiness, their quest for the person who will make them happy, the job that will make them happy, the situation that will make them happy, ad nauseum. But they are so very unhappy. All the time. I can't imagine what goes on in his head. But I do know that the saddest thing of all is that he will never, ever understand that he is the only person who can make him happy and he never will be because he can't admit that he needs help. Sad

#11 Aug 30 - 8PM (Reply to #27)

Playedwithfire

Morty

WOW, your comment is exactly true for my ex as well. I'm impressed how simular are thoughts are! Holey Smokes. Playedwithfire

Playedwithfire

#12 Aug 31 - 9PM (Reply to #28)

anonymous

Patterns and Gaslighting

For any of us who have been told by the N/P that WE are the ones who need help, WE are the ones who are delusional, WE are the ones who are misguided or insane .... IF that were true, it would mean we made up all of this crap - the red flags, the warning signs, the uncomfortable intuitions..... But if WE made it up, then why is it that so many people on this board, from all walks of life and varied experiences, have heard the SAME EXACT lies, the SAME EXACT manipulations, the SAME EXACT bullshit? Because THEY are wrong and WE are right. It's as simple as that. And rest assured - we have the potential to be happy, even if we aren't at this time in our lives. But THEY will never, ever be happy. And they are the ones who are WRONG, not US!!!

#13 Aug 30 - 8PM (Reply to #15)

Susan32

Unhappiness

The ex-Psych professor FORBADE me from ending phone calls with "have a nice day" or "have a happy evening"--claiming that I wasn't a happy person. I'd be incredibly cheerful, and he'd put a damper on that. If he saw me being happy or cheerful, he'd command me to "be serious." He'd claim that I wasn't "serious" about him. Early on, he accused me of being an optimist (his term was "Hegelian")... as if it were a BAD thing. His students rarely saw him smile, and I was deemed SPECIAL (TM) because I had seen him do so. As one of my classmates said,"Mr. T--- doesn't hate you so much as he hates happiness." The ex-P thought his pessimism was a sign of maturity, "seriousness." I remember telling him that his negative attitude made him unhappy... basically, it was HIS fault. I warned him about self-fulfilling prophecies, that his negativity would have consequences. MOST Narcs seek happiness... at the expense of others. But it's Psychs who HATE happiness.

#14 Aug 30 - 8PM (Reply to #16)

gettinbetter

I do believe your comparison

between a narcissist and a psychopath is correct. Man that dude sounds like a serious Psycho. I am understanding correctly that the two of you did not even date? If so he is a serious brainwasher. Thank God you didnt have an intimate relationship as that brings about whole new set of issues. He almost sounds scary...

#15 Aug 30 - 8PM (Reply to #17)

Susan32

I hate saying this...

But that's why I prefer Narcs. My Narc grandmother AND my Narc former boss had SOME joie de vivre! They have hobbies, interests, they can even be a little bit happy. The ex-P is still a nut... The ex-P and I NEVER dated, but he was definitely a brainwasher. We spent lots of time together-on the phone, going out to lunch (his fellow profs avoided him, and a colleague who went to graduate school with him always looked mortified in his presence),going to concerts/lectures. He was a serious psychopath. 4 years was quite enough for a lifetime, thank you. I'm glad I didn't hop into bed with him... I dodged that bullet. "He almost sounds scary"-His students did fear him. It's like he had an aura of evil. A classmate (who wasn't evangelical) called him the Devil. His favorite movies were the Terminator series (about an emotionless killer robot) He scared lots of people... including his colleagues. What scared me was that last year (the triggering event that brought me HERE and helped me maintain NC) a former classmate of mine died. She died under odd circumstances. She was only 40, in good health, but found dead in her sleep. As backstory, she was my lab partner in my freshman science class with the ex-P. He pitted us against each other when he sensed she and I had a growing friendship. She believed all his lies about me. After I graduated, she stayed behind to be a professor. She had always been closer to him than me. Now she's dead. Something about her death scared me. I instinctively felt "That could've been me" and "I hope it was natural causes." Her COD was never disclosed. So no closure.

#16 Aug 30 - 9PM (Reply to #18)

gettinbetter

Girl...

that guy makes most of the narcs we discuss look like saints. geez you are so lucky you got out of that situation. If I can ask if the two of you were not involved what was it about him that kept you around?

#17 Aug 31 - 5PM (Reply to #20)

Susan32

Narcs vs. Psychs

Narcs seek happiness at the expense of others, but are oblivious to the pain they cause. Psychs tend to hate happiness itself, and enjoy inflicting emotional path. Yes, there IS such a thing as an "empathic psychopath" who does it knowingly. The ex-Psych professor makes the ex-Narc boss look one notch below Mother Teresa. One of my classmates at the time said of the ex-P "He's punishing you for BEING HUMAN." Male Narcs tend to be misogynists, but as Dr. Robert Hare has observed, Psychopaths hate humanity in general. Narcs have SOME regret in their personal failures; Psychs tend to be PROUD of them and see them as achievements.

#18 Aug 31 - 5PM (Reply to #21)

gettinbetter

I totally agree except for...

the part that they are oblivious to the pain they cause. I feel the pain the cause is their drug. They love to see it. It validates them. I think they view it as love. The more pain they inflict on you the more important and loved they feel which makes you "good supply" There's nothing like driving a Smart,Attractive woman crazy and watching her suffer excrutiating pain over you. Narcs say "Yummy"

#19 Aug 31 - 5PM (Reply to #22)

Susan32

Do they ever think of karma?

It makes me wonder... when an N or P sees his former supply enjoying great success, and she KNOWS it makes him sick with envy, is it in reverse? I know the ex-P enjoyed inflicting pain on me during the D&D. It was "see, this smart senior going nuts because she loves ME!" But then I moved elsewhere (without telling him) and have enjoyed success as a writer over the past 7 years. Would rubbing success in their faces KNOWING they can't acknowledge it, does it inflict some sort of pain? Or just the Narc injury? Would it be like bragging to a blind person about being in a lovely garden, knowing full well they can't enjoy it? Or gleefully eating a bowl of ice cream in front of someone with a feeding tube? The ex-P has a MALE colleague who can't stand him. They went to graduate school together. Ns/Ps don't just hurt/alienate spouses&lovers.

#20 Aug 31 - 6PM (Reply to #23)

gettinbetter

hmmm I dont know on that one for sure BUT

I do know they are green with envy. My N and I worked at the same company after college (guess who helped him get the job) and I always felt an undertone of competitiveness I could never put my finger exactly on it but it was there. It was like he wanted me to be successful cause that made him look good of course but he always wanted to make sure I just a tad behind him. I guess so he could keep his superiority complex in check. I dont know if its pain they feel about you having success. I think its more envy and and the urge to bring you down again. I mean who know what these KOOKS really think!

#21 Aug 31 - 10PM (Reply to #25)

anonymous

Competitiveness

With mine there wasn't even an undertone - he actually came out one day at work and said, "sometimes I feel that you and I are in competition with each other." I was dumbfounded - I had always looked up to him at work (long story - read my story if you want the gory details). So I was shocked when he said that. It happened early on when we became intimately involved and was just one more red flag that I stupidly ignored.

#22 Aug 31 - 10PM (Reply to #26)

Susan32

He was the rival

When I met the OW (a curator who had given up her job in LA to move in with the ex-Psych professor-she went from a prestigious museum to one, well that isn't so much),my friend explained my lack of jealousy because the ex-P was the rival the WHOLE TIME. I didn't need him fooling around with a stripper,a call girl, his male disciples or his girlfriend... HE was the rival the whole time with his "you're not good enough for me" attitude. His whole "I'm too good for you" attitude alienated his fellow colleagues. The ex-Psych professor saw me as a rival from the get-go, and was open about it. He was afraid that I was laughing at him behind his back... that he was an object of my ridicule... oh, I'm on these forums... *SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY ALERT*

#23 Aug 31 - 8PM (Reply to #24)

Susan32

I wouldn't bother asking

It doesn't help that the ex-Psych professor's father was on NPR not too long ago (boy that was triggering, but there are sane people in his family) His father is highly accomplished, published textbooks, does research, his students worship him AND his eyebrows... while the ex-P is so detested that he isn't on the Rate My Professor website. The ex-P's father gave up his professor position to raise the ex-P's kids... a major sacrifice. My senior essay advisor is on Rate My Professor... gets tons of praise. My senior science professor gets kudos... I left a positive comment there. He was good;funny, helped me out when I lost my teaching job;he's the Awesome Hippie Science Dude. The ex-P's colleague from graduate school is praised as "sexy and smart." The fact the ex-P goes unmentioned... sounds like NC to me. He'd feed off of praise or insult. Doesn't deserve the attention. "I mean who knows what these kooks really think"-Or if we'd really want to know. The ex-P would be *this* short of a psychotic break during the Q&A sessions after his lectures... luckily there is a college here in beautiful California that's right across the street from an insane asylum. Talk about convenient.

#24 Aug 30 - 10PM (Reply to #19)

Susan32

What kept me around...

The possibility of friendship... the possibility of a relationship... the magical thinking that somehow my Christian faith could convert him and make him a good person. As usual, it was also the supply (because I DID date--to his chagrin, and he let his students know on class time) I like the summation of it being like an unlocked prison-and somehow I did fall for the brainwashing. My family didn't like him... my friends didn't like him... so after the D&D, I realized how lucky I was to get out. The recent death of the former classmate (what's weird was that during the D&D a decade ago, I dreamt she&I were at a college reunion, reconciling&forgiving each other for how the ex-P had divided us) was VERY triggering. I don't know why I thought that could've been me;I just felt it in my gut. I stayed with the ex-P for similar reasons to most of the women (and men) on this board. It was a very bad habit. Very tough to break. When I heard 9 years ago that he had married&impregnated the OW (a curator from Los Angeles), that his parents were living with him&raising his twins... I felt lucky I was no longer there (tho I did have the natural twinge of jealousy, I'm human) For a decade, I've been grateful I haven't seen and heard from him. I'm fortunate to be alive, to have a job, to be HAPPY again!

#25 Aug 30 - 7PM (Reply to #13)

gettinbetter

and they never find "that

and they never find "that person"

#26 Aug 30 - 8PM (Reply to #14)

cluelessuntilnow

Happiness

I have noticed that when things go well and I am happy, he does what he can to destroy it. He seems fixated on happiness in a very bi-polar way. One moment he will tell you he is completely and totally happy with this life (the mask?) and another he will say he hates everything (pity ploy?). If I give him happy news he deliberately does something to strike out me. So disturbing. I have asked him directly why do you do that. And I get a very sullen I don't know.

#27 Aug 30 - 6PM (Reply to #11)

Susan32

I would've been crying more

One of my friends said during the D&D "You're really upset and crying now, and you'd been even more upset and there would be more tears if he stayed with you." At the time, I had dreams of the ex-P being my boyfriend/lover/possible spouse. He KNEW I was IN LOVE with him... and used it to his advantage. Yes, he ditched me for a woman a decade my senior (and 5 years his junior, not the usual Narc pattern of pursuing younger and younger women)... but I can't say he wasted all the years of my youth. I didn't waste a marriage on him;I didn't waste childbearing with him. It was only 4 years. I didn't even waste a romantic date or a session of lovemaking with him. In some cruel way, he SPARED me the misery of being married to and having kids with him. Let alone dating him. Sometimes, I thought the ex-P was autistic. The autistic and psychopaths have similar brains... except the autistic tend to WANT to do the right thing, NOT want to hurt others purposefully. As for the "if I ain't happy no one gonna be happy",that's why I felt so UNHAPPY with the ex-P. He couldn't stand seeing me be happy. I'd be casually dating guys... and he'd voice his displeasure... to his students(???) on class time. Imagine marrying THAT. Ugh.

#28 Aug 29 - 10PM

helldweller

radioactive

I know from his brothers that mine was completely idolized growing up. The older brother was the mom's "enforcer," as they called her. The younger brother is silent as a kitten. My narc, the middle one, was coddled like the baby girl. His brother once told me that every single night the mom sent the dad out for a burger for the narc because he complained that the mom's cooking "gave him migraines." On his first day of high school, at the Catholic school, he punched a priest who told him to stop talking. The dad came to school and met with the principal, telling him: "Your school isn't going to work for my son."

#29 Aug 29 - 10PM (Reply to #8)

gettinbetter

I knew mine in HS

I knew mine when I was a sr in high school. He was extremely popular we went to neighboring HS's Very well liked and always had girls chasing him. since I only became involved with him in college I dont know that much about his home life as his family moved away once we began to date but what I do know is it seemed very much like he was spoiled but actually so was I and Im not a Narc at least I dont think so. Hell maybe I am as crazy as Ive been acting LOL! Can you believe I actually date back to High School with him? and Im 42! I could kick myself in the ass for friending him on FB but I knew nothing of narcissism when I did that. I really just wanted to find out how he had been. see pics of his family etc. Should have known there would be no family.

#30 Aug 29 - 9PM

anonymous

Adoption

Being the mother of a daughter who was adopted, I'm curious as to why you believe the fact the your N was adopted may have led to his personality disorder? How old was he when he was adopted and what was his life like prior to his adoption? How stable is his relationship with his parents? Was he in an orphanage? Is it possible he suffers from attachment disorder? If he never was able to attach to a dedicated care-giver as an infant, it is true that problem can lead to severe emotional problems in some, but not all, adoptees as they are growing up.

#31 Aug 29 - 9PM (Reply to #6)

gettinbetter

I dont know how old hew was

I dont know how old hew was but on a number of occasions he made the comment "My mom just spit me out and left me at the hospital" Which indicates self esteem issues to me. He was also quite spoiled by his parents as well. I dont know that this was the cause but its a gut feeling I have.

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