It Is Not Our Fault

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#1 Aug 21 - 2PM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

It Is Not Our Fault

Its NOT our fault. What happened to us was not within our control. We should never feel ashamed for loving someone. We had no knowledge that we fell in love with a Narcissist. None of us. By the time we became aware of this we were already in the throws of the abuse cycle. Brainwashing was set in place. We didnt know this at the time. This is the damage that is left when someone is abused. We didnt ask for it, deserve it, or have any knowledge that it was even happening till the end. People from all walks of life fall prey to these monsters. The educated, the beautiful, the strong and the needy. They do not discriminate on their victims.

We all have beaten ourselves up for allowing this to happen when in fact, we had no power or control. From the first encounter the brainwashing commenced. If any of us had known at that time what was about to take place we all would have ran like hell.

In stead of looking at your experience as one of defeat. Try looking at it as one of victory. He has not won! He was the catalyst that brought you to a new you. The Narcissist has no hope. They will forever remain lost and empty. However, You are the work in progress. You are learning new things everyday about yourself that will carry you through to a new and improved life. There is so much more for you to learn and see about yourself. Life is an exploration of oneself. Your on a journey that has big plans down the road in store for you. Embrace it, welcome it and rejoice in the end when arrive at your destination. You will be so surprised to find out what is yet unfold. You are a miracle in the works.... It is happening to all of us as we speak.

If i could fast forward and show all of you a side by side view of your life and their life in 5 years, you would all drop to your knees in laughter. Its not a magical thinking, its reality. All the fancy cars, homes, lovers in the world cant give you what you obtaining at this very moment, peace, happiness and oneness with self. The narc will never have it, and if they knew you were on this quest to achieve this they would be envious beyond belief! They always want what they cant have you know.

So i have rambled enough for today. Im thinking of all of you this weekend and and sending lots of love your way. Stay strong and resolved to your mission. Your closer than you think...xooxo

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 27 - 11AM
terri
terri's picture

Thank you Betty and everyone!

Over the years (8+), I've spoken to countless people about this relationship including my friends, family, co-workers, and even a therapist or two. But in the few weeks that I've been reading and communicating with the wonderful people on this forum, I've had more moments of clarity (ah-ha! moments), and discovered more about the treachury of the Ns, as well as learned more about my own experiences and reactions than in all of those years put together! And to think, you are all people whose real names I may never know, whose faces I may never see, and whose voices I will never hear. But I've heard all of your hearts. For the first time I've come to understand about gaslighting, emotional blackmail, projecting and projection identification and how all of these horrible tactics have come to destroy my emotional stability and confident sense of self. In fact, I didn't even realize how affected I had become until having all of this brought to light through all of you. I wake up each morning and approach my day with an understanding that I haven't had IN YEARS! Even though there is still much confusion, sadness and anger that I'm working through, for the first time in such a long time, I feel like I'm going home - to me and the normal life I used to know. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!

Believe in yourself!
Terri

Aug 31 - 12PM (Reply to #26)
tigger73
tigger73's picture

I stopped by home for my

I stopped by home for my lunch break and stumbled on this thread. Your words are my words, and exactly how I feel. I could not have even begun the healing without this site. This has helped me far more than any therapy I could pay for. I feel a love for all of us here and a kinship. This whole Narc world is such a foreign and scarey place to be, but just knowing there are 'others' like me, it makes it all possible to survive. Thank God I was born in the age of computers.....I can't imagine trying to cope and heal without this help. Love to you all.
Aug 27 - 8AM
CarolKittyGale (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Really needed this...thank you once again Betty

Thanks Betty, I really needed this. I have been reading on here again a lot lately as I have been really angry with myself for getting caught up with N when I should have known better. Seven years before I met the N I was in a very violent, although luckily, short lived relationship with a P and have been really down on myself at times for getting caught up again with someone who although wasn't violent physically was emotionally. But upon reading this I realize that the N was the straw that broke the camels back for me in my life and I should be grateful to him for bringing me to a point in my life that has made me explore and bought me clarity. Normally I can think like this but some days I feel disappointed in myself for trying so hard with him when as a fairly intelligent women I should have known better. I shall read this post until I get it in my head that it was not my fault and I now know the signs and can hit the ground running in future. I'm really enjoying dating myself at the moment.
Aug 21 - 10PM
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

So well put, Betty and so

So well put, Betty and so true, just such a long learning road to get there. I do believe we will be all the enlightened because of it. And perhaps this 'special' enlightenment serves a purpose on some level we have yet to see. I truly believe in this. And, Aceonelady, 54 is the new 44. What kind of workouts are you doing 5 days a week? Jewell - I became an emptynester Aug 1st when my 'mini me' moved out for college. A few months ago I decided this had to be an opportunity of a lifetime instead of the dire situation it seemed to be. After 20 yrs of sacrificing everything for these 2 greatest joys of my life, I get to relearn what it is to be just a person instead of a full time Mom. Can't quite imagine it yet but it's sinking in. I am free to roam the planet now because this whole life that worked then does not work now. I am free. So I'm selling the house and am finally able to leave this city that I have wanted to leave for more than 20 yrs. I'm finally out of here. The point being that now we are free to change our lives to what WE want for the first time in 20 yrs. I can actually live where I want without even having to care about the school district, or if it's child friendly, etc....Imagine the possibilities. And that's just it, IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES. But it's ok to cry at the drop of a hat cause, damn, I miss those guys. almostlydia

almostlydia

Aug 21 - 11PM (Reply to #23)
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

almostlydia...my workouts

I live in HOLLAND but the workouts i am doing is an american concept called moves...is a whole body workout it lasts about 45 minutes and the machines are double so one for example is for your shoulders and tummy...there are 10 of those in a circle,you do the machine,then do steps then the other machine then steps and so on...i am doing it already for 3 months and i lost already 12 pounds ....and the body shape is improving...i am a diabetic and after all the troubles with the N/P i was pretty sick also physically....my ex husband told me if i didn,t take action i would,t make to christmas...so there i went to the gym...i started with 2 times a week and know i am doing it 5 times,with no problems at all...i think you can see that on YOU TUBE,there is also in th USA and is called MOVES....i am getting my self esteem back,after being called an ugly bitch,and seeing ex N making comments about women with nice asses and that if he saw me on the street he woudn,t even look at me....now when i look myself in the mirror i recognize myself again,and i like what i see....plese do not think i am also a narc....when i was with him shopping and somebbody ,even a woman made a nice comment about me,he would tell her don.t do that ,now she won.t come out her high horse....and walked away angry....too bad he can.t see me now,but i am really doing this for my mental and physical health....Love,aceonelady

Aceonelady

Aug 21 - 9PM
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

Betty

The one statement you said is the one I think about every day. "We have all beaten ourselves up for allowing this to happen" but then you add "we had no power or control" It is mind boggling to me that I let this happen to me. I was the person everyone came to for advice on their relationships. I was the one who was strong and smart and wouldn't let any man do to me what was happening to my friends. And then I found out what a N is and how they think and work. He fit the profile to a T! And now when I look back I see the Red Flags I ignored. Thought they were happening for other reasons. I just never knew what it was called until I came here. I know my life will be forever changed becuz of him and I will never be the person I was before I met him. I do hope to be a better person and yet I know my experience w/him will always be w/me. Bittersweet. I would rather live my life alone altho that thought kills me at times than to be with him. I don't want to be with someone that is so fake and lies and I could never trust. At this time I don't think so much of what he did to me but more about what I want and to find me again. The hurt is still there. Don't think it will ever go away completely. But I'm trying so hard to find peace with me.
Aug 27 - 12AM (Reply to #21)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

My dear you did not let this

My dear you did not let this happen to you. I did not let this happen to me. The Narcissist set a game plan from the moment he laid eyes on you. They come on strong to reel you in at first, then slowly and in a stealth like fashion they begin to break you down. Once a person has been subjected to Ambient abuse and gas lighting for example, it is inevitable that brainwashing will occur and our realitys become distorted. You have no knowledge this is taking place. Your reaction to this type of abuse is normal in this circumstance. We can not ever blame ourselves for allowing this to happen. Would you honestly let this take place if you were aware of it before you were emotionally under his control? Absolutely NOT! Once the brainwashing has taken place, we are not of sound body and mind. Looking for signs is not something we would be doing b/c we are to busy trying to correct our short comings in order to improve our relationship. We had no knowledge of what Narcissism is or what the signs are to look for to begin with. All we knew was that something was very wrong and disturbing with this picture. We are brainwashed into believing that the problem is really us and not them! They do this with these tactics they employ, but we dont see it while it is taking place. We may not want to believe this could happen to us but this shows you just how cunning, baffling and powerful this disorder really is. Just remember the angel you thought you were waltzing with was really the devil in disguise. It is not your fault. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 21 - 7PM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

betty...

Yes you are right but i am 54 years old and this what happenned with the narc had a deep impact,my soul has ahuge scar and my ex husband is also very affected by what happenned because he worries sick about me...he says he sees what this guy did to me...i went from a happy ,lively person to a shadow without joy of living,no self esteem,ugly and feeling like in a rollecoaster of emotions...crying,unable to even do groceries,listen to music,laugh...i was on therapy for 2 yearsmstill feeling out of sorts,but i managed to go work out 5 times a week now,i am doing my groceries again,but feeling like a robot with mo soul...sometimes i am afraid i became souless like Narc...and personally i really do not think they feel like their life sinks...and sometimes i wish i could be like him...

Aceonelady

Aug 21 - 7PM (Reply to #19)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

It is hard to imagine what

It is hard to imagine what life would be like without emotions or empathy. We are polar opposite to the narcissist. They do not feel the pain associated with loss like we do. They only feel pain when their needs are not being met. They dont experience real love in any sense of the word. They only feel relief when they receive adoration and are put on a pedestal. This is why they thrive in the honeymoon phase. They are in their happiest state when it is fresh and new before people begin to see their weaknesses. This is why they jump from relationship to relationship. They are incapable of looking into your beautiful eyes and feeling that deep sense of emotion that we experience. This is not living but merely existing. Because of this it is impossible for them to ever experience life fully. Some may think just existing is enough or better than being fully alive. But to never experience real happiness, joy, sorrows and pain would be a lonely existence. You are the walking dead and frozen in a child like state because it is our experiences of these emotions that make us grow as a person. We are lucky that we have choices. We can stay in a place of sorrow and darkness if we let our minds take us there. We can search for happiness and joy within ourselves if we work towards that goal. But at least we have those options. They are not as fortunate. Its important to realize this. At least you have a choice luv, now it is up to you to pick your path. You have no time left to worry about where he is going in life, because it is this that got you to where you are now. It is time for a change. Once your are able to refocus on you, you will see a whole new world open up. It is progress not perfection. It takes time, patients, and a lot of hard work. No one ever said the road would be easy. Its just the little things we do daily that builds our self esteem and our awareness of living in the now that brings us to a better place. Its really there if you choose to take it. Thank god you have the choice. Lots of love to you tonight. xoxo BTW- working 5 days a week, shopping and just getting out of the house is a tremendous accomplishment for us victims. Thats progress and thats moving forward, now its time to take one more step.... only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 21 - 4PM
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Betty

Nice post. I really struggle with this. It really seems like N doesn't feel that his life is empty/void....do you think he feels that? From my perspective, his life is filled with adoring women...one for each night. HIgh status women and ones that are available (unlike me). Sometimes I felt I was very, very special to him, like when he told me that me and his mother were the only ones that supported him unconditionally... I saw a bit of his vulnarability in that he needed me...he told me once that he was afraid to be vulnarable with me (although when he said it, it was a bit evasive, so it could have had multiple meanings).... but then I wonder if he really is strong on the inside and all of that was really manipulation to have me bond to him although he had no intention of bonding to me... Sometimes, when he thought I would be available very soon, I did see the lonliness in his eyes and he would REALLY open up to me. In some ways I think that he feels like I betrayed him by not becomming available and that he feels he can't trust me anymore because of that....and therefore started the abuse. Anyway, it is all so confusing. I feel like I'll be confused forever. But I do like your fast forward statement. I'm sure many of us when we think of N fast forwared 5 years picture him happily married being Dr. Jekyl, Mr Perfect, Mr Charming forever and ever. But I guess all we really need to do is look back over the last 5 years and see that that is the best predictor.. tons of failed relationships and cycling through 100s of women. It would be good for us all to define our vision 5 years from now - that would be interesting. Mine is pretty sketchy and blurry, however, recently I've really gotten excited about going to Stanford to get an advanced degree... I love learning and being on a beautiful campus like that would be reenergizing! I'll call on Monday to find out about the process. Just need to work on the vision for the other aspects of my life. It has never been more blurry than now.
Aug 31 - 9AM (Reply to #17)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

LOML...Update on the

LOML...Update on the School? only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 31 - 9AM (Reply to #16)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Past behaviors is always the

Past behaviors is always the predictor of future behaviors. They do not change with a Narcissist. Right on LOML!! "But I do like your fast forward statement. I'm sure many of us when we think of N fast forwared 5 years picture him happily married being Dr. Jekyl, Mr Perfect, Mr Charming forever and ever. But I guess all we really need to do is look back over the last 5 years and see that that is the best predictor.. tons of failed relationships and cycling through 100s of women." only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 21 - 9PM (Reply to #15)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Please keep us posted on

Please keep us posted on what you find out on Monday LOML. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 21 - 9PM (Reply to #14)
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

love of my life.....

Hi i wanna tell you this....i too was married to a Non N...N came on hard on to me,swept me off my feet,first we became friends,i did not rush into it ,it took a year and half before i made the decision ,i left my husband in Europe to go be with him in Tulsa Oklahoma....see honey,i did everything i could the possible and the impossible,accepted things i never thought i was gonna take from any man,but if i didn,t agreed with the way he was handling some stuff i would just tell him so ...i always tried to be non judgemental,nobody is perfect,right?But sudenly he just changed from a moment to another,nothing had taken place,he just became very nasty,passive agressive,sarcastic,withdraw sex and emotional connectivity,gaslighting,calling me old,ugly an then saying i was a very good looking woman,i was dazed and confused...(please read my story) Is not us is them....mine told me to go back to Europe and when i was ready to do so he would say,see you are not my friend,you are leaving because you are not getting what you want...(sex,love,friedship and being treated as a human being)....so,do not blame yourself or your looks (mine told me i was a bit on the heavy side)and himself was 250 pounds....i loved that men,i helped him trough a depression period,i took care of him when he wanted to commit suicide,i promissed him to see that his children were ok,and now he is NC on me and tells me too he cannot trust me and that i am an ugly selfish bitch.....honey no matter how you look or what you do they are disordered and they are never satisfied until they destroy our self esteem and spirit and feel miserable as they feel,then they can feel superior...by denying and withdrawing anything that would makes feel good....i am still sad and i feel sorry about him me and his children snd everybody that loves him,incluiding his grandmother that raised him...she too get criticism from him...if wasn,t for her he would have grew up on the getto strets.....so honey,is not you or me ...

Aceonelady

Aug 21 - 8PM (Reply to #9)
Jewwell
Jewwell's picture

5 years from now. . .

It's hard to picture my life 5 years from now. I'm in a panic 'cuz I am going to be an empty-nester in just a few weeks. I see myself leaving my loveless, emotionless marriage with a non-N (after 26 years) and living on my own for the first time in my life. I see myself FREE of the N/P and his brainwashing, controlling nonsense. I see myself being ME and away from this person who swept me up and now tears me apart!
Aug 21 - 9PM (Reply to #11)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Jewell

wow - our situations sound identical - I'll need to read your story now!
Aug 21 - 9PM (Reply to #12)
Jewwell
Jewwell's picture

Loveofmylife

I'm not ready to write out my story yet...soon, I hope. I am a bundle of emotions these days, and mostly from my kids leaving. I am just having a hard time picturing my house and my life without them in it on a daily basis. Luckily, my daughter is going to school about an hour away. The relationship with the N/P is always changing - a constant push/pull. I like to refer to it as "Mixed Messages". Right now, I am guessing he is mad at me from the series of nasty texts he sent me today 'cuz I wasn't able to lend him gas money today.
Aug 21 - 9PM (Reply to #13)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Jewwell

My son is going to college in a few weeks too - sounds like we are at the same spot. Constant push/pull from the N that abruptly stopped a few weeks ago when I questioned his motives and he final DD'd me.....ohhh....until he started contacting me again and ended it once again on his own terms. I have never felt mindfucked by anyone in my life and I think I finally really understand what that word means....it is raping our minds on their own terms and when they want to do it and for their own benefit. Read my story and let me know if it sounds like yours....
Aug 21 - 8PM (Reply to #10)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

I see a beautiful new you on

I see a beautiful new you on the horizon:):):) only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 21 - 7PM (Reply to #8)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

No honey he does not feel

No honey he does not feel that. He just simply does not feel..... only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 21 - 3PM
alma25
alma25's picture

thank you Betty

It's really nice what you wrote, epecially that sometimes I'm still wondering if it wasn't my fault and how my life is gonna look like in a few years without him. It's so difficult and at the same time so amazing that all my life depends on me, that it's me who decides how it's gonna be. I've already made one of the most important decisions in my life, I accepted the fact that I loved someone who never loved me and never will and that in my life there is no place for any kind of relaionship with him. I accepted that I was abused and that it's the part of my life which is now history and should be left there, closed. I accepted that I cannot change him, I cannot save him without losing myself so to save myself I have to give up and let go. I want my life to be a great, beautiful adventure, full of fantastic people. It's gonna be like this.I believe it. I wish this beautiful life to all of us. We deserve it. It's worth fighting for it.
Aug 27 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
Playedwithfire
Playedwithfire's picture

Alma25 I love what you have

Alma25 I love what you have written about what you have learned to accept. I read those lines and agree, but have not accepted it all yet. It's really hard to do that and im so glad you have gotten to the stage you are at. I'm going to come back and re read your post as often as I can to repeat it in my mind. It is very nice to read how someone know's exactly how I feel. Thank you Playedwithfire

Playedwithfire

Aug 28 - 12AM (Reply to #6)
alma25
alma25's picture

Playedwithfire

I'm very glad it helped you. That was my first impression when I found this website, the articles and for the first time I thought: These people understand, know how I feel, I'm not the crazy one. I felt relief and this relief helped me to accept the facts. I think the most difficult part is just to give up.I never give up. I'm a fighter:)so how could I give up on someone who I loved so much? Believe me, I did many things to learn how to live with his behaviours. I thought: my life can be like this, why not? I can accept him the way he is. Not true. I can't. Can't cause this means that my life would not be the way I want it to be, that I would let him hurt me, use me. So I decided thatI will never give up. Never give up on myself. When the time passes, things happen, new people come into your life, you'll just come to the moment when thoughts about him will come and go with no pain.It's time when you say: enough. I don't want to suffer no more. After this relationship I was devastaded. I still am in many ways but now it's time to rebuild what he destroyed.It's time to start living. Just.Be happy. Smile, eat, walk, travel, dance. He is who he is. He won't change. There is no point fighting for him. He won't appreciate it, I'll just lose another part of me and this I can't afford.The price is too big for being with someone who you love and for whom your love means nothing. I know how you feel Hang on, it will be better, much better. I promise. A.
Aug 21 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

You have had your awaking,

You have had your awaking, you now have accepted the reality, now is the time to move to the next phase of finding the new you. I see that you are well on your way luv. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 21 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
M
M's picture

discover you. Try a class on

discover you. Try a class on a subject that interests you. Do not compromise yourself. You are never too "old". A true soulmate will enhance & encourage your activities. My dad goes with my mom to quilt shows--he doesn't sew. My mom went to my dad's marathon races. She's not athletic. I met a guy that was intrigued that i did yoga. He would only go if I was in the class. He decided he needed to buy different shorts. He has not been back to class in 2 weeks. Why? Because I didn't go shopping with him for these new shorts. I texted him: "You are an adult. Go shopping & show up to class." I suspect he's an N....
Aug 27 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
STSwiss
STSwiss's picture

we have to fight this guilt....

...and it is a constant fight. I'm 2.5 years down the recovery route, but still there is inward guilt, despite KNOWING I didn't do anything wrong. Years of conditioning take us years to unravel from our psyche. HE will never feel remorse, which is why (I believe) we tend to feel it all the more. Web Of Lies - My Life with a Narcissist An honest and emotional account of life with a pathological partner. http://singlemumsal.blogspot.com/ http://www.sarahtateauthor.com/