Am I Overreacting....Advice please:)

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#1 Jul 10 - 8PM
Steph
Steph's picture

Am I Overreacting....Advice please:)

So I went out last night with a group of great girlfriends. Later, I met a guy. We chatted and he was interested in me. I told him I wasn't looking for anything right now but we could maybe hang out sometime. Anyways, we all went to one of my friends place and I was on the computer, checking my Facebook.....and the guy looks at my profile and says "hmm, not the best pic of you but that's ok" lol (and not to sound conceited, but it is actually a good pic!) Then he came with me and my friend back to my place so she could pick up her car and drive him home. Comes in my place and later says "Did you actually pick out those curtains?" lol. But later he did compliment my home.

Anyways, I was talking to a family member and they said I am overreacting to his comments. I just think that within a few hours, he managed to underhandedly insult me twice. Reminds me of someone I knew once.....

Am I overreacting? Or does his comments sound insulting to you?

i'm not interested in him anyways, but i just want to know if i am overreacting.

Jul 13 - 12PM
blindedbythenarc
blindedbythenarc's picture

You are not over-reacting

Your body gives you 'creepo' signals, you should listen to your mind and body before listening to anyone else.. When my N first came to my house he said "we need to get you a new couch" he looked at a picture of my mom and said "did she get a boob job" and he asked me to put comments on his myspace wall.. As the relationship continued.. he would always say "we need to get your more designer jeans" "WE need to get you a new pair of sunglasses" N's are super focused on the outside and DIG at you passively i.e. his use of 'WE' like he was actually going to buy me these things.. i should have said to him "we need to get YOU outta my life"
Jul 13 - 12PM (Reply to #57)
Steph
Steph's picture

"i should have said to him

"i should have said to him "we need to get YOU outta my life" too funny!
Jul 13 - 12PM (Reply to #53)
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

the myspace wall thing....

that is so funny. The first time mine left me about a week later he told me to go on his Myspace and see what I wrote while we were together. I only had about one comment on his Myspace that said "I thought you were supposed to be at work! what are you doing?" He told me that this was so rude and a reason that he left me. He said I should only put loving comments on there for people to see and that I never went out of my way to make that a priority! Although he NEVER wrote anything to me! So when we got back together I had to make sure that I made it a habit to complainment him on his Myspace. God how I was manipulated!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Jul 13 - 12PM (Reply to #54)
blindedbythenarc
blindedbythenarc's picture

myspace/facebook wall

The only reason they want you to write stuff on their walls is to show the other exes.. they are getting new supply.. i later found out that half of the women in his 'top friends' were ex gf's .. he had them all desperate for him and trained, so whenever he was single he could tap into the 'pool of exes or ex hookups' Once we broke up it was easy to see the 'sick' mind he had. every girl he added on fb was someone he had hooked up with prior to me or someone that flirted with him out at a bar or party.. When we were together he would say to me.. 'i'm glad your here to keep these girls away from me' or 'that girl would break her knee caps for me'.. it's so sick..
Jul 13 - 12PM (Reply to #55)
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

blindedbythenarc

Yep! The exes! Mine runs back to his exes everytime we broke up. The first time he left me I remember one of his friends saying "dont worry rainbow, he will be back. He cant leave his exes alone". I should have ran then! And everytime we break up he adds girls to his page that he has slept with or that would sleep with him in a second. Its funny he never wanted a FB ever before! Neither of us had one when we were together. He would make fun of his friends that had one. I got one after we broke up. He heard that I did and then got one the next day and added only girls. What a jackass!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Jul 13 - 1PM (Reply to #56)
blindedbythenarc
blindedbythenarc's picture

rainbow1

Mine made one of those facebook notes where you write 20 things you've done and tag the people to it that relate to the 'things.' One of his 20 things was I've kissed 15 girls on facebook and he tagged all 15 including me.. I was so furious.. i called him screaming and he said.. 'half of those girls are from elementary school and highschool.. it's just a joke' Now I know the underlying reason.. they never lose their sources of supply.. some of these girls from grade school comment on all his wall posts.. He's 37 now! It's just insane-o how he still has a hold on these women, most are married with children
Jul 13 - 12PM
girlfriday
girlfriday's picture

The book

If anyone is interested in "spying" on this PUA (Pick-Up Artists) community, it is most entertaining and enlightening. The book I am reading is called, "The Mystery Method--How to Get Beautiful Women into Bed." hahaha. (I am a hetero female...just clarifying!) Author: Mystery Lots on Youtube too! Tutorials! I feel like such an interloper. Another tidbit...The men prey on women whose looks range between a 6 and a 10. So, Stayingstrong78...I guess you should feel flattered...lol I borrowed the book from a male friend who is NOT a player, but who is simply socially awkward with women.
Jul 13 - 12PM (Reply to #51)
Amy
Amy's picture

I think that's the book I bought!

It kind of looks like a bible!
Jul 13 - 5AM
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

I would say that this guy is

I would say that this guy is a narc waiting to happen to someone who doesn't read the signs and get out! They use these kinds of subtle put downs from the very beggining!!! In between the charm! You might not have even really noticed before your got the whole gust of the game they play!! It is indeed Cognitive dissonance! It's an insiduous slow simmering bit bit break down of your sensebilities!! To trigger your I securities and remain the strong one! He knows or hopes that at that stage you won't question it and will let it slide! Wish you had said "I beg your pardon" told him it was rude or asked him to keep such negative oppinions to himself! You probably let him get away with the first comment which opened up the next!!! They are experts at gageing how much a potential source of supply will take of there abuse! Mine knew I was open to as much as ge could give because I allowed him to subtly criticise me from the get go!!! I say WELL DONE you for recognising it and well done for sharing your concerns! Nice men don't need to speak to you like that! Because nice people are Iinterested in YOU! Not your curtains or your facebook photo! Not your choice in decor or your ability to be photogenic! The very thought of someone telling you your photo was not up to much reils me up so much!!! No a truly nice person wud be thinking about your feelings! He would cate if you felt hurt or upset! Insulting your picture and your home is not wat a nice guy does no matter how nervous he is!! Ask your self would you do that to someone?? If the answer is no, then I think we both know this guy is trouble!! Good luck with this. Stay strong! Wait for a nice person to come along! You WILL know the difference I feel sure of that!!! This is a RED FLAG!!!! Toad care of you!!!
Jul 13 - 9AM (Reply to #49)
Steph
Steph's picture

Thanks Vix:) And I like that

Thanks Vix:) And I like that you mention that a normal guy wouldn't treat anyone like this...even if they were nervous! "Insiduous slow simmering" So true. That's exactly it! But this time...my eyes are open. thanks again xoxo
Jul 13 - 4AM
girlfriday
girlfriday's picture

An education on "Neg Theory"

Here's what happened...Amy is right on with this. What he did are called "Negs." They are a tactic used in the Pick-Up Artists community designed by a man called "Mystery." He states in his book: [after negs] "Now she is self-conscious, ---and this is where he wants her. He has, with only three negs, successfully created interest and removed her from her pedestal, thereby circumventing her protection shield and buying himself more time to DHV." (DHV is to "Demonstrate High Value," often done through story-telling to make him seem like a catch. I recently became aware of this community and I am actually reading Mystery's book. A lot of men use this stuff in a benign way just because they're geeks and have no clue how to talk to a woman, but a lot of players, narcs and psychos use it too. And obviously, this guy is a player as he was trying to go out with you but he already has a gf. Learning about this stuff can really help to weed out many men.. Here are a few common "negs": Your hair looks shiny, is it a wig? Oh well it looks nice anyway Thats lovely long hair, are they extensions? I think your hair would look better up (or down) Nice nails. Are they acrylic. Oh, well they look good anyway. Awww, how cute, your nose wiggles when you laugh. look there it goes again! Is that your natural hair color? well its not bad So you changed it to that? I like your look, lot's of girls have beauty but you seem like you have character. Has anyone ever told you that you have U shaped teeth. Well at least you have a nice bod. You are nearly as tall as me. I like tall girls. Are those heels 3 or 4 inches? You have an interesting figure. Did you drink too much last night? I think I like your left eye best...
Jul 13 - 12PM (Reply to #47)
Amy
Amy's picture

yes - we have read the same book

And yep - forgot they were called negs! I am immune to the back-handed compliment now. The only thing I ever encountered that threw me off was when I dated the really nice guy. He LIKES stretch marks - which I have on my bottom and thighs thanks to my son. LOL! He pointed them out, telling me how sexy he thinks they are. It was the strangest thing. I found out he meant it through a friend. But I initially thought it was a "neg" - who wouldn't?
Jul 13 - 11AM (Reply to #46)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Negs!

OMG! Thanks for enlightening us about this. Unbelievable to me that there is a whole online community of men talking about how to manipulate women like this. Infuriating!
Jul 13 - 9AM (Reply to #45)
Steph
Steph's picture

and everyone of those

and every one of those comments are subtle enough that if you questioned them, you'd be accused of overreacting.....and then you wonder if you are! crazymaking at it's best! I can remember soooo many comments like that from xN. Unbelievable.
Jul 13 - 8AM (Reply to #44)
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

girlfriday

Great post! I got plenty of those from the ex N, right from the beginning... "Ohhhh, look at the bump on your nose, I'm going to kiss it." "Your teeth are so perfect, Wait! You have a little chip in your front tooth". Ewwww, it makes me so mad just thinking about it! Going to have to pick up that book.
Jul 12 - 1PM
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

comments

No I dont think that you are overreacting. I have been kind of seeing this guy that I actually met through the N (I should of known better). Well we are all planning a camping trip together and just waiting on this guy to pick the date. We all want to go this weekend but he doesnt know if he can. So I told him that we might all go without him, he didnt respond. Then a few minutes later I told him that we can wait and go next weekend if that works for him. Guess what he said back to me? "haha I already have learned that if I just ignore you for a little bit I will get my way :)" Well that sounded too familiar to the N to me! I will not plan on dating this guy now!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Jul 12 - 4PM (Reply to #42)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Rainbow

OMG! Please, please do not date this guy. Run, run like hell!
Jul 11 - 7PM
Steph
Steph's picture

posted in wrong spot

posted in wrong spot
Jul 11 - 11AM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

No, you're not overreacting

Not at all. I would find his comments insulting. What an idiot. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it. Especially when you first meet someone. Write him off. You're not interested anyway so no loss there.
Jul 11 - 10AM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Actually it sounds to me

Actually it sounds to me like he is Gay. I have had some gay friends and they can be pretty forward. LOL...luv em but they can be nerving at times. "did you pick out those curtains" Are you kidding me? Just tell him to come out of the closet and if you still like his personality and hit it off remain friends and call it a day!

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Jul 11 - 10AM
Used
Used's picture

not overreacting

listen your gut ,my exhs first words to , after biegn introduce where pity about those spots on your forehead, otherwise you would be preyy, and i still married him and those words become the tip of a huge iceberg, pleas dont bother with him even if he is not a narc he is still an idiot.
Jul 11 - 7PM (Reply to #37)
Steph
Steph's picture

I'm sorry he said that to

I'm sorry he said that to you! They are heartless. I have a smaller scar on my face - had it since I was wee little girl. Sometimes it bothers me, but usually not. I still consider myself attractive:) Anyways, I told the xN one time that I was abit sensitive about it sometimes. The next week, after a few guys from work approached me at a pub, he was insecure. He immediately turned to me and said "i can really notice your scar in this light. and how deep it is." I know it wasn't a slip of the tongue kinda thing. he knew it would hurt me. he felt insecure so he had to knock me down. They know we are beautiful or they wouldn't be with us, parading us around:) Anyways, that was longer than I intended. lol xoxo
Jul 11 - 7PM (Reply to #36)
Steph
Steph's picture

I'm sorry he said that to

I'm sorry he said that to you! They are heartless. I have a smaller scar on my face - had it since I was wee little girl. Sometimes it bothers me, but usually not. I still consider myself attractive:) Anyways, I told the xN one time that I was abit sensitive about it sometimes. The next week, after a few guys from work approached me at a pub, he was insecure. He immediately turned to me and said "i can really notice your scar in this light. and how deep it is." I know it wasn't a slip of the tongue kinda thing. he knew it would hurt me. he felt insecure so he had to knock me down. They know we are beautiful or they wouldn't be with us, parading us around:) Anyways, that was longer than I intended. lol xoxo
Jul 11 - 4AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

There are two ways you can

There are two ways you can look at this , some men get nuvus when they first meet a woman they like and say the most stupid things , its like they open their mouth and it all comes pouring out with out engaging thier brains . These two comments could be that he is covering up the fact that he likes you (in man language ) .. right i have a 6 year old girl in my life and she asks me why does this or that boy teese her in the play ground and i say to her "its because they like you , if they dont like you they would ingnore you "... also a narc is charm charm charm when they meet you and the mask is unlikely to slip with in an hour or so . On the other hand he could be a raging psycopath .. listern to your gut .. but bearing in mind that all men need a bit of training before they are allowed to go out in public lol Scoop xx
Jul 11 - 4AM
ewa
ewa's picture

Well, hard to say it can be

Well, hard to say it can be a red flag or he wanted to compliment you that you look so much better in reality then on the picture. Maybe you should ask him what he meant. Anyway strange comment. I have stopped dating the guy for very strange reason. It seemed to me like upset him twice and i could see anger on his face for few seconds. But i got the feeling even that i had upset him, he was trying to cover it with smile later. Apart of that he was really nice , helping me even to cross the street. It all just didnt feel right. So i told him i am not ready and stopped dating him. Maybe we should trust our feelings.
Jul 11 - 3AM
imabloke
imabloke's picture

its that gut feeling...

When my ex proposition me three years ago.. I should have listened to my gut reaction.. now 3 years on.. i'm paying the price. If it doesn't feel right - don't do it! and only you can tell.
Jul 10 - 9PM
sarahb
sarahb's picture

felt in my gut

family member is wrong. doesn't know narcs or extent of subtle evil that exists in the world. YES EXTREMELY INSULTING. and i usually cut people slack, but NO. pic comment, BAD. curtain comment - bad sign. if this is him on his best behavior, bad sign! you are not overreacting! Man, what is it that they find us? you said you don't like him, but don't give him a chance to worm his way in - I will give you the advice i should have taken from a intuitive friend who met my narc early on - FLEE FROM HIM!!!
Jul 10 - 10PM (Reply to #31)
Steph
Steph's picture

sarahb

Thank you!!! I actually just wrote below that I found out he has a girlfriend, lives with her lol I feel so validated right now. I actually told my family member to stop making me question myself and my gut feelings. It's confusing to have a "feeling" about something and then be made to think you can't trust yourself. I don't want to make excuses for anyones bad behaviour anymore. I did that for far too long. Excused things, thought I was overreacting, let things go. And look where it got me? This event just proves to me that I have learned something and I can trust myself:)
Jul 10 - 9PM
Steph
Steph's picture

just found out he lives with his girlfriend in another town

just found out he lives with his girlfriend in another town! lol So....I am actually happy to hear this because something seemed off with him to me. Now I know I can trust my instincts:)
Jul 11 - 10AM (Reply to #24)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

I would lay money on it is a

I would lay money on it is a GIRL/FRIEND....

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)