It was a difficult day for some reason....

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#1 Jun 2 - 2AM
ACgirl
ACgirl's picture

It was a difficult day for some reason....

I was D&D'd about two weeks ago ( I think for the 4th time). I caught him in a lie (again) and called him on it, so he did the usual and got angry at me. Even though I know this man is not good for me, I have been crying on and off these past two weeks. I have been involved with this man for about 5 years. I thought we were so close. He has lied to me so much, but I kept going back to him because I felt he was my soul mate. I was so very much in love with him. I guess he always had OW on the side and I didn't really realize it. I can't believe I put up with it. Anyway, he is in FACT an N and I will never trust him again. Over the weekend, I took a pair of sizzors and cut up the night gowns he bought me into little pieces, and everything else he sent me. I deleted all his messages, etc.

But, the funny thing about today is that I felt this anxiety in me that something was happening or going to happen. It is hard to explain. These past two nights I have had dreams about him, nothing special, just these weird dreams. And all day today I felt like either I was going to hear from him or that something was going to happen, I'm not sure what. AS the weeks go by I wonder if he will ever make an attempt to reach me again. I can't believe that he could let it all go, but since he is a N, he probably can. I guess it's just a matter of supply. But, today was so weird bc I kept feeling this anxiety that something was happening but I don't know what.

Has anyone here ever felt this type of thing or knows what it might mean?

Jun 6 - 3PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

It is called 'seperation

It is called 'seperation anxiety' and it is the effect he has on your nervous system. Remember you were thinking of him in a love mode and believing he was your soulmate. then it all changed and your brain and nervous sytem still are not on board yet with the new relationship. while he was your love object you were secreting hormones that were pleasurable and now it has turned to anxiety. Any change, dieting, flying, changing jobs, going for an interview can trigger seperation anxiety. He can and will leave and not look back. They lack the emotional intelligence to form normal relationships and it is a genetic disorder. You miss what you thought you had but realize the lying and other anti-social behaviors he was showing you were not for you. I think, even though the experience went bad, you still have a feeling of loss. This will pass in time. Try to keep focused on things in your life that do not involve him. Eventually you, your brain, nervous system, emotional self, will all get on the same physical and emotional page and the anxiety will pass. I remember quitting a job that was terrible but felt anxious and actually missed it. The next woman who took my place in the office of a political narcissist gained 65 pounds. I ran into her one day and asked her how everything was going and she answered it was great. thank God I got off his merry-go-round before I gained 65 pounds.
Jun 6 - 4PM (Reply to #17)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

not separation anxiety

this is NOT 'separation anxiety' it is actually called HYPERAROUSAL OF THE NERVOUS SYSTEM and is laid out beautifully in Women Who Love Psychopaths ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Jun 2 - 3PM
NoNarcingZone
NoNarcingZone's picture

Feelings

I share your sentiment. Yesterday I was riddled w/anxiety & thoughts of "what's the N gonna do next?" I hate that! I left the N & have been NC 3 mos (he abandoned baby & I in January) - I have only spoken 'through' his Command (Sgt). NH was our sole provider (hmph!). He's done everything in his power NOT to support us, then & now. Money. Insurance(s). Everything! He could care less about our child. THAT's my fuel for maintaing NO CONTACT. It helps me to think of him as solely a sperm donor - as I waited 19 yrs before having my 2nd (my 1st is in college - thankfully not the N's child). I hold firm to the FACT that I'm a phenomenal parent & well-rounded HUMAN being. The N will NEVER be anything other than self-sabotaging, insecure, warped, FRAUD that he is. They ASPIRE to be like us. DECENT! Their malfunctioning brains prevent this. They can only 'pass' for so long. You keep your wits about you, sharpen your scissors & 'let off' as you see fit. Just maintain NC. p.s. I love crafting. So, the day before I left my NH, I 'decorated' his favorite football jersey w/bright glittered on all the numbers - front & back. It looked FABULOUS - in a very Village People way. The fag!

-------------------------------------------
"Soldier, don't confuse your rank with MY authority!"

Jun 6 - 12PM (Reply to #15)
hitandrun
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NoNarcingZone

Good for you! I wish I had the opportunity to "Village People" his clothes. Any guy who's favorite movie is "Breakfast at Tiffany's" and loves Barry Manilow...you gotta wonder.
Jun 6 - 10AM (Reply to #14)
sanctuary
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I love that!! Great idea!!

I love that!! Great idea!! There are few things I wish I'd bedazzled before he left!!
Jun 2 - 8PM (Reply to #13)
happydaysahead
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LOL

Damn..........why didn't I think to Village People his wardrobe ??!?!?!?!
Jun 2 - 3PM
broken23
broken23's picture

I am also in the newer

I am also in the newer stages of recovery...and i can resonate with the whole soulmate.. obsessive thinking, wanting to have a confrontation, needing to be heard, and dreams of scenarios playing out, anxiety he may be at the door. as far as the phone, because of previous D&D's i stopped checking after only a few days because i knew there is nothing he will say to me in my state of despair. if he will ever bother to find me will be when i am better...wierd how inately i know this. because i have nothing to give right now accept questions, for which sure as hell he wont waste his time being accountable to. try to leave it at home when you go to work or out running errands, you will see you can pass hours without it, and feel a sense of victory when you return. trust me he can let it go with out a second thought. i asked him all the same questions. how could you say you love me, plan a future and then like a light swtich flip it? and all i got was some quack answers that make no freakin sense and they changed by the day. nothing they say makes sense. i often wonder how how how...but that is where this board has been my godsend...reading all these other women talk about it...ofcourse he can. he has someone else, just like my n. we are objects. none of this is easy...it really isnt. but at least we are all there for each other. and this board serves as my reality check every hour every day!
Jun 2 - 7AM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

great read

Read cognative dissonance & obssional thoughts in the mut read blog. It puts things into perspective.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Jun 2 - 7AM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

deprograming phase sucks

I too am going through the same thing now. Although I have made 100% commitment to my recover and understand fully that NC is the only way, my programed mind takes over without warning or control. It is scary. I have dreams that sometimes I think are real. I can't shut down the obssesive thoughts of him. Meanwhile life is passing me by. I run to this site and read to bring myself back to the state of reality. I was programed to live in a delusional world. Reality is a difficult concept to grasp. I just keep going back to my old life and try to remember the abuse and the constant pain and remind myself that this is why I left. Although I have moments of pain and crazy thoughts now, they are only moments and pass compared to the to the insanity I lived in before. The moments will get less in time as long as I take care of me. Hang in there girl. Your ot alone.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Jun 2 - 8AM (Reply to #9)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

calming the obsessional thoughts

I used this to help calm down the obsessional thoughts: https://www.e-junkie.com/ecom/gb.php?ii=125196&c=cart&aff=21165&ejc=2 ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Jun 2 - 6AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ACgirl

because he's programmed you to feel that way while you're deprogramming you'll have a number of days like that... try to do something good for yourself and be calm & relaxed on those days... ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Jun 2 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
ACgirl
ACgirl's picture

Barbara, I had no idea this was deprogramming

OMG, I didn't realize that this is what is going on with me. Is deprogramming also when you get constant thoughts about the good times and the bad? Is "obsessional thoughts" also part of the deprogramming? This morning when I woke up I wished I could just stand in front of him and vent and vent and say....how dare you lie, cheat and say words of love you never really meant. That is what is the most frustrating. It's funny, but some days I seem to be okay, and other days, like yesterday, and last night, I kept looking at my phone for a text or email. What do you mean that he programmed me to feel that way? How does that happen? I will say this, when I keep remembering all the lies (and they were countless lies. He even lied about stupid things he didn't have to lie about) I can't believe I stayed with him, so that must because of how he programmed me to feel that....he was the one. It's hard for me to accept the fact that he has moved on to OW and just forgot about me. It was ONLY last month that he sent me all those cards and words of love and promises to pull me back in, and when I finally agreed to see him again he D&D's me. I just can't believe that someone's feelings could change so fast and these last two days I have been obsessing about it. Thanks Barbara for your advice and to everyone here. I love you guys. Some days are just so difficult. xoxo ACgirl
Jun 2 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
smileyfacepr
smileyfacepr's picture

Its terrible!!

ACgirl....isnt it the worse? The whole obsessing about everything..good times, bad times, arguments, y he did this or that..checking the phone..OMG.. checking the phone would drivr me crazy but it was like I couldnt help myself, Id check it a million times...whewwww..Im glad to be over that stage..but the obsessing is excruciating...I am doing something everyday to make myself feel better even if it somethin small like going to the pool for a while or changing the color of my hair or cooking a delic dinner..I am working hard..I still think of him daily but Im switching thoughts of him for thoughts of me. And it is getting better almost 1 yr NC for me!! We have the power ladies lets stop giving it to them, they have taken more than enough and they r not worth it!! HUGS

smileyfacepr

Jun 2 - 2PM (Reply to #6)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Right On Smiley!!! You give

Right On Smiley!!! You give me hope. Switching thoughts is the hardest thing to do but I can see it can be done through you. Thanks for the encouragement.....BIG xoxooxxoox and congrats on the 1 year:)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Jun 2 - 2PM (Reply to #7)
smileyfacepr
smileyfacepr's picture

betty2020

Im glad I could help u..listen there not 1 thing that is easy in this process..not 1, however we try and try again until we make it. I have been a mess all year and even over a yr because u always feel the end coming....I am determined to make it thru this and everyday I realize what a piece of shit he is..everyday he becomes a bigger blob...lol!! That changing thoughts is winner. And b4 we know it its time for bed and we made it thru another day!!!!yayyyyy cant wait till its been 18 mnths...even though Ill be older...lol!!!big xoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxox to u to! and TY WOMAN POWER!!!!

smileyfacepr

Jun 2 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ACgirl

yes - deprogramming takes about 18 months; this should include 1 FULL YEAR of therapy http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/03/17/cognitive-dissonance-obsessional-thoughts feelings change? what feelings? he doesn't have feelings. He's not human. He's a predator. It was all an act to lure you in. Nothing changed, he just stopped playing pretend. go to the MY BLOG section and find and READ the three posts entitled "AM I UNDER HIS SPELL?" how does it happen? NLP, mind control, they manipulate your hormones AND brain chemistry etc. Get & read WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS by Sandra Brown, MA for a full explanation. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Jun 2 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

I still want to confront him

I still want to confront him daily. Blow up, freak out, scare the crap out of him but i cant. Its like speaking Greek to a Russian and expecting him to understand. Not happening. I am just a ghost in his world now. He doesn't hear me, see me or feel me. Never did when the honeymoon was over. I am the old useless supply that no longer has purpose. It is a waste of my energy and dangerous to my recovery to even try. I know this is unbelievable to think these people really exist, but look at all the story's here. The parallels are uncanning. This is very real. I have been all over the web searching for answers. It wasn't till i began to read my life story through all of the people here did i find answers. Crazy but true. I am with you girl..hang in there:)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)