Needing support for NC!

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#1 May 21 - 12PM
herlatestvictim
herlatestvictim's picture

Needing support for NC!

Well, I work with my N so no contact has not been easy. It got especially bad when I fooled myself into believing that we were actually friends, despite all the lies and deceit. I told myself that being friends was okay, with no expectations, just to have a cordial relationship at work. There is an OW at work also. Being friends made me feel like I had something over her as well. In addition to the OW, there is a girlfriend. My "friendship" made me feel like I had something over her too. I WAS WRONG on so many levels.

In this fake friendship, we continued to talk everyday, all day about everything. I was in pain daily as I tried to hide my feelings and go along with the friendship plan. The N loved every minute of it. I found myself giving so much of myself and getting nothing in return, as usual. The final straw (so many final straws) came yesterday when I felt like my N didn't want the OW to see us walk into work together. I have been picking her up to save her gas money since she is broke. I was upset. It was minor but of course N made it MAJOR. Rage, ignoring,... the usual manipulation and emotional abuse.

Now I want NC. I realize that my motives for friendship are wrong. I am hurting the girlfriend and OW when they are victims as well. The friendship is false and completely one sided, I get nothing from it. I don't want a relationship with N anymore and I do not want to continue to expose myself to these mind games, the criticism and put downs disguised as jokes, the emotional abuse...

No one has ever made me feel so bad about myself. I get compliments everyday from others on my appearance and character... yet my N can level me with one look, one joke at my expense.

I want out. It will be hard. When we have fights I feel like my N and the OW are laughing at me. It's so hard to work like that. I am embarassed and fighting tears all day.

I need support. Encouraging words, helpful hints would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.

May 21 - 3PM
broken23
broken23's picture

in general it is very hard

in general it is very hard to be friends with a normal ex right way. everyone needs the cool off time to let go of feelings. with a narc...no way. NOT YOUR FRIEND hun. im proud at least you realized this on your own without going through round 2! i made the same mistake of staying friends with ofcourse the silent hope that he would come back to me...and i told myself i could do it while he moved on to the OW. he would tell me when he would go see her. what she bought him, all his friends liked her. i would feel so horrible because i still loved him and it was a knife in my heart. i was guilty of fishing for information, and then id tell myself i still had a deeper connection with him and i would pretend like i wasnt bothered by it. well 6 months later i got him back. and i was so happy at first. like i had won the freaking lottery. and wow did he treat me worse the second time around. he never apologized. he used me even more for money. and the lies got deeper. our relationship ended because 6 months later i found out yet again there was another ow. i had no desire to remain friends or compare myself to her. i finally got it its not about about me, its about him. this pattern of abuse will continue as long as we let it. i will pray you get strength and a new job!!
May 21 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
rochkevin
rochkevin's picture

Im kinda in the same path as

Im kinda in the same path as you. My N left me 7 monthes ago for another guy. We have been friends since he had moved out. He was around for 2 monthes then went to Fl for 3 monthes with new b/f and then came back. Since then he seems to not really want to be friends with me but he still calls when he needs a ride or want something. When we were together, he worked for me, and now he wants to start working for me again. His new b/f which i have known for about 6 yeras does not like the idea of us hanging out but no problem with the work. Just yesterday, my ex N asked if he didnt have any feelings for me or his new b/f if he could move back in with me. Im really trying to move on but would like some advice from all of you.
May 21 - 6PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

rochkevin

post your story in Share Your Story - so you have your own thread for feedback :) ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 21 - 7PM (Reply to #6)
rochkevin
rochkevin's picture

How do you share the story?

How do you share the story?
May 22 - 2AM (Reply to #7)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

rochkevin

click on the link at left that says "SHARE YOUR STORY" start writing and be sure you read the rules here first http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/10/15/all-about-him-forum-rules-posting-guidelines ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 21 - 2PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Well done for making the

Well done for making the break , being friends with them is impossible , when i went through my "friends" phase with the narc that was when the abuse really kicked in , it was a very dark time for me , i was still bonded to him and my motive was to get him back which i did but boy not werth it . You go no contact so you no longer set your self up for abuse . You are no longer in the firing line of his sick mouth .Hears what i did , first i got rid of his phone number , if it was writen down i burnt it if it was anywhere on my phone i deleated it . For the first few weeks when the temptation is there to call him i couldnt . I have just changed my number which is a very good way to stop the unwanted text , or calls . I fashioned a no cntact calendar "scoops pantented no contact calendar "with little rewards at each mile stone mostly alcohol based . This has helped no end and tomorrow it will be ten weeks for me and a nice glass of red will be coming my way . Its a rollacoster , there is no easy way to go cold turkey . Tears ,anger the works , dark glasses are the way foward and a good loyal friend at the end of the phone is important , they may not get it but at least they are there when you are tempted to contact the narc ,a good therapist and this board with the sisters is what you need . The first few weeks are the hardest but as the fog lifts is gets easyer. My advise is hold on tight , head down and go for it . Big love to you .. today is Day one no contact .. ! Scoop x
May 21 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

NC

start looking for a new job and be busy... VERY busy... too busy to socialize ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller