Narcissist's Cycle
Narcissist's Cycle
My ex N who I co-parent with definitely has a cycle which follows the same pattern each revolution. Each cycle has 6 different stages:-
Breakdown/transition to upturn cycle
1st quarter upturn
2nd quarter upturn
transition to downturn cycle
1st quarter downturn
2nd quarter downturn
The duration of each stage and the length of the whole cycle itself depends upon the variables involved but his cycles are around 5 years long. Because we share children, I am connected to these cycles though not by choice, this will be my third revolution but I do not intend for me or my children to go around a fourth time. I have included ‘upsides’ as part of the 1st half of the cycle because when you are forced to live this Npd misery then there has to be areas to work to your advantage or life just wouldn’t be worth living at all. The best hope is to get away from the Npd all together and for co-parents this is the hardest thing to do because of court orders etc.
When I first met my ex N at the end of 1996 he was in transition from breakdown into upturn. I wasn’t even that easy to hook but he pulled out all the stops to reel me in – it was his big family that won me over, the same family he disconnected me from a few years later.
Ex N is currently entering the final downturn of his cycle, this is when he is at his worst. He hit his halfway mark of his cycle around a year and a half ago now (ever since his last D was born - babies are downturn triggers for him). I give it another 6 months to 1 year before he has another narcissistic breakdown. This signifies the end of a cycle. There follows a synopsis of my ex N's cycle patterns:-
Ending of a cycle - a cycle ends with him breaking down and here he plays the wounded victim, threatens suicide etc. He loses everything at this stage - spouse or gf/kids/home/friends/job, he becomes the most pathetic of creatures. Last breakdown 5 years ago, he admitted himself to a psyche unit for having intrusive thoughts.
Upside of the breakdown - I enjoy seeing him suffer, I can keep my kids away from him for a considerable time.
Downside of the breakdown - he sucks enough people in to feel sorry for him and this gives him enough supply to make the transition into a new cycle. He uses anything he can - radical honesty about his past behaviours, remorse, general pathetic behaviour.
1st upturn part of cycle - Miraculously he always finds some NS supply from somewhere, usually through family support and a new victim who feels sorry for him. He builds himself up with a bit of strength, he goes through a remorseful stage here and victims buy into it, he is so convincing. To me he is like voldemort in the Harry Potter movies who has to slowly claim back all his evil power before he wreaks his vengeance.
Upside. I can generally get on with my life here and he is so busy trying to win everyone’s affections that when he does see the kids he is being nice to them or at worst playing ‘wounded daddy’.
Downside. Even though I appreciate the time of reprieve, I still know what lies ahead.
2nd quarter of upturn - When enough of a false identity has been re-created, he sets about building a new life for himself. He will have a new job by this stage and have gotten himself sorted out with a decent place to live and have a new victim in the wings (usually someone who has been compassionate enough to support him through his breakdown and getting back on his feet). Now the whole reeling in process can start again and it is sickening to observe.
Upside of the 2nd part of upturn - This is when he is wooing and reeling in his new victim by playing 'the most amazing man/father on the planet'. Here he will be doing all the right things with the kids (except coughing up any financial support) - hands on dad, fun time dad. This phase can last a couple of years if we are lucky. He lets his mask slip only to me when I push for financial support or pick him up on the odd shaming tactic he has slipped up on with the kids, of course there are never any witnesses. We can manage during these times because for the most part he is busy trying to uphold his 'prince charming' persona.
Downside of 2nd part of upturn - it is nauseating to watch and I feel such compassion for the new victim who is completely hypnotised and bowled over by her sheer luck at having met this amazing man!. Even if I took the victim aside and showed them this story on the cycle of their charlatan beau, they would not believe me. The cycle is in motion and has to run it's course.
Transition to downturn half of cycle: This is when his mask slips more and more, he barks at the children and tries to control their behaviours - his manipulating and shaming tactics start peeping through the surface. By this point he will be unable to hide his addiction to porn, masturbation and fetish objects. His mask will also be slipping to a shell shocked new wife/live in partner.
Upside of transition: I begin to feel validated that the knowledge I have is the TRUTH, that I wasn't the one going mad or holding onto past grudges, that he had not matured or changed and never will.
Downside of transition: By this stage he will have been playing the game of great guy/father for around 3 years so the children and most others in his life believe him wholeheartedly. It is very painful to see my children coming back to me more and more with complaints about the father they still want to idolise. I begin to gear myself up for the worst part of his cycle.
1st quarter of downturn – at this point there will have been an infidelity of some type, whether it is flirting at work with younger women, flirting by text or perhaps even physically. He will be unable to hide his porn addiction at this stage and day to day relations with wife or partner will become very strained. His control, bullying, shaming and manipulations of my daughters when they are visiting escalates and tears upon their return to me become the norm.
On the downturn there is NO UPSIDE – life starts to become unbearable, the children become more and more upset by his erratic behaviours and shaming and their routines in and out of school start to suffer. My Cptsd starts to trigger badly and depression sets in. . I witness the tiredness and disbelief on his shell shocked wife’s face as she tries to dive into denial from the reality that is her marriage, at this point she too becomes my rival and my children’s rival as she desperately clings to the fantasy that her marriage can be saved.
2nd quarter of downturn – his marriage will disintegrate and he will cling more and more to our children, especially if his wife leaves and takes the baby with her. Me and my children will become the targets for his rage and fury and he will project the blame for everything that is wrong with his life on to us. Eventually he will breakdown and perhaps end up in a psyche unit again. Then the whole sorry cycle will start all over again.
My job now is to get enough proof to a lawyer to get him out of our lives for good. I will not have my children anywhere near him at this part of his cycle and if I can prove that he is pathological and a danger to their wellbeing then my lovely girls won’t have to endure another cycle with a Narcissistic father.
Understanding the cycle helps. I need to be at my strongest NOW!
It would be very interesting to hear if any of you have had a similar experience with N cycles.
OLD UNFAITHFUL
I hadn't realized...
cycles = vacations from 'sanity'
irresponsible spending
I did the finances for the
mine couldn't bear to be despised or even disliked..........
Thanks
Macro and Micro cycles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran
"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung
http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4
They're not all this way
Mine neither
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran
"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung
http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4
He briefly mentioned his pathetic behavior
Mine TOO!!!!
they don't mean a word
It's just an act
Predictable!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran
"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung
http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4
All of that is sooo
the cycle........
tied to the cycle
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran
"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung
http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4
My exN is in the cycle of
Ending the dance
psych eval
But he has unsupervised now.
Ending the dance
Anotherpath
After a year and a half of
Ending the dance
They can make a difference.
Thanks for that. I'm going
Ending the dance
Do it any way you can. I
YES!
So familiar
Philosophical ex-N
Its so true they all think