How many times before YOU learned?
How many times before YOU learned?
What a fool I am.
I am well versed on Narcissim. I have spent countless hours, mad hours on the internet researching Narcissim, sharing stories on support group boards, therpay, and reading hundreds of very similar stories. Intellectually I know the ONLY way out/to heal is the NO CONTACT rule. Yet my emotions take the best of me...every time...that my OWN sheer misery and torture should be enough to stay away, I'm starting to wonder if I'm a masochist or if he has done irreversible damage to my brain chemistry?
I'm ashamed to say. My husband (we have been separated for 5 months) has come back into my life, but it was only for a short spurt of NS or sex or what have you...the terrible thing is that I allowed this b/c I was missing him, and the destruction he has done this time is even worse. It seems that once you are broken up they really don't care about wearing their mask anymore and go to new levels to humiliate, abuse and exploit you. It's sickening. I have been desperately hanging on to the marriage because I have strong beliefs and feel divorce isn't right...until now.
To say that my head spins worse than the wheels on a bike is an understatement. I am left bewildered EVERY single time I have a conversation with him; it bounces from "love" to abuse, this cyclical pattern, and every time I'm left with my jaw hanging open, in disbelief of the new heights he has gone to utterly confuse me. His logic is so very absurd.
He has told me, "Feelings? They are GONE! They've BEEN gone. You left 5 months ago." Prior to that he was saying he wanted to "date" me and wasn't sure if he wanted our marriage to work 100%. The pendulan swings back and forth. I told him I was going to file for divorce and then he comes back with "Well then you are going to sabotage the marriage yourself because that is NOT what I want!" To..."Don't play the victim again!!!"
Then he says, "I can't help it if you love me more than I love you. That's in EVERY relationship. Don't be mad at me for that!!" To..."You are crazy. You really are. Why are you crying again? My sleeping with you was by no means me committing myself to you again!"
I don't understand WHY I continue to go back...I think it's because I KNOW there is that side to him that is "loving", sweet, caring, my "best friend" yet he only shows it when he wants to; there is no rhyme or reason. I am sick and tired of crying over this. I'm sick and tired of grieving over someone that blatantly told me: "you're the best thing that ever happened to me and I know I will never find better but no I have not grieved over you."
Why do they say such bizarre things??? I'm left crying again. Back at square one. And I had come so far....
thank you
"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."
Jodie & Carolyn
Thanks Barbara...
"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."
Jodie You mentioned your
Leah
Covert Incest & Narc Parents
Barbara
http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview
nolongercontrolled
Barbara
http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview
nolongercontrolled
grossot
Leah
Jodie....
whatever
question for u,
Reactive Abuse
jodie
This sounds exactly like
Jodie
jodie
Jodie
Jodie. You can do this. Yo
http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview
nolongercontrolled
thanks
jodie
It does take a while
So true...
GhostBuster
Thanks Barbara
GhostBuster
Barbra
Leah
Barbara