Just commenting on my own experience...I understand, it's not a good feeling to suspect this.
My mom has narc tendencies, my Dad would never accept me saying anything about it. I do remember trying to talk to him as an adult, he would downplay everything. "Just listen to your mother" was his catch-phrase. He didn't want to deal with it.
Now that they're older, unfortunately, I'm estranged from them. In a perfect world, I'd have reconciled this as an adult, but they are completely set in their ways. I'm so sorry, I know the feeling of being 'ripped off' parents-wise. I think it speaks volumes though, that we turned out pretty darn good for enduring such circumstances!
What Barbara says about your mom potentially adopting some N traits to cope seems reasonable. I think my mom did the same (to deal with my N father). She did some things to me that she shouldn't have--telling me from about age 10 on that she was going to stay with him only for my benefit (ie, making me feel responsible for her unhappy life), wanting me to be her substitute emotional partner (not icky sexual incest stuff...but "emotional incest"...want to feel like being in a matrix...read up on that one! Ugh). While I don't condone what she did, I can see that she was dealing with her relationship with an N.
that is what my mom does she wants me to make up for everything. She depends on me for almost everything but wants to boss things. She says veery cruel things like "I can see that you are the problem, not him". And she loves to make me terrified that I am not going to make it financially. she always says..."I just don't see how you are going to make it with four kids and him not wanting to give you anything. How are you going to work with your wrists(torn tenden from him twisting them, she doesn't know he injured me)that way. And all your kids have problems, so I don't know who will watch them." I just feel so stressed out and hopeless everytime she opens her mouth. I do feel like she is capable of feelings.It's just she is just so childish and selfish. I have let down alot of my bondries since my brother died because I have felt so bad for what she has went through. She blames herself. He commited suicide. I have not evan delt with that yet. My life has been such a nightmare that I feel like most of the time it isn't really happening. I kind of live in a fantasy world. And I keep real busy. Anyway my mom crys everyday and has for three years now. She is very unhappy and refuses to let anyone else be happy around her. I don't know how long I can keep staying here. I am soooo ready for some happiness. I know I sound selfish. But believe me I have tried to help her. I talk to her about my brother everyday. I tell her it wasn't her fault. I tell her I am glad she left my dad. She is consumed with grief and blame and she cuts me out all the time. Leah
I have a sneaking feeling your mom is just parroting things that were said to her.
And she is WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG.
Again, I think she's a little jealous, subconsciously.
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Oh Leah. Hang in there kiddo. You're gonna get through this. Just stay on course....and don't listen to your mom! She's not helping you. Avoid conversations with her where she will cut you down...at ALL costs. Stay focused. You'll get to where you need to be. I'm so sorry you're going through this...but it WILL make you stronger. I just know it.
~Denise~
I have talked to my mom 5 to ten times a day since my brother died three years ago(suicide). I am not exagerating. I swear. The only reason I am not talking with her is if she is on the phone with someone else. She talks on the phone constantly. She is somewhat physically handicapped and says she can't go to councling. She is so needy. I have been there as much as I possibly can. Because of the nature of my brothers death she feels responsible. I have felt obligated to reasure her several times a day that she isn't. I have been gradually trying to limit my conversations with her. But since I ran out of my house with barely the clothes on my back.(I left with him telling me to get the F out now, because I wasn't cleaning the house in the area he told me to.) I have been thrown into an unnatural circumstance of living in extremly close quarters. I used to tell her I was driving and couldn't talk on the cell phone long. That is a difficult fib to tell when Im am sitting next to her. I need someone to talk to ME. I need someone to reasure ME. I need it to be about ME for a while. For once. I want to be the needy one. I want to be the baby. I feel like I have been through a major surgery. I have just had a 280 lb parasitic twin ripped from my body. And as evil and draining as he was I loved him as if he was normal. And for the part of me that hasn't excepted the separation yet. I feel lost. I need respite care. A rest. some down time. Some ME time. But I am thrust back into the role of care taker once again for another adult who is completly incompetant and immature.
Wow I seem whiney. Oh well I needed to rant. Thank You. Leah
You are not whiney. You do need some down time. You do need some "me" time. This is such a sensitive, draining, emotional time. I remember the days where I would wake up and feel like I was in such a fog. I gave the kids everything I had, but at the end of the day, there was nothing left. Having to be your mom's emotional sounding board while going through all of this has to be incredibly taxing, to say it nicely. Is there anyway for you to spend the least amount of time in the house with her?
I would keep myself as busy as possible outside of the home. Go for VERY long walks, libraries, anything. You don't have to tell her where you are going. Use the time to just think and be very loving and kind to yourself. Surround yourself with friends who understand that you are at a point in your life where you need to be able to just vent and vent. You need the friends who will listen. You can always pay them back by being that kind of friend to them the next time they are in need.
I had a couple of friends who would just let me talk and talk. Those kind of friendships are golden.
This blog is like those friends. Just keep on putting your feelings out for us. We are there, and remember.....you are never whining.
Yes, that's the one. some call it "emotional" others "covert". I have a couple of books on that topic (God, waaaayy too many psych books!). Thanks for posting that link, Barbara. It's crazy to think of myself as "lucky" as a likely CI victim, but I think I am lucky in that I was CI'd by a same-sex parent. When it's the opposite sex parent (providing you're straight), it can be much more devastating (sexually, etc.). But I think it's certainly affected me. With an N father, a depressed mother inflicting covert incest, there was no one to care for me and my emotions in those crucial developmental years. I think it was probably a foregone conclusion I'd end up where I am today--attracting Ns, burying my emotional needs and not getting my emotional needs met (like with my mom). Wouldn't that make me a prime N magnet??
That's quite a list! I don't know how you did it. I barely survived a semi-narc mom and a narc fiance.
You are the bomb! Hope your recovery is going well..
Leah
Leah
yeah
Leah
Oh Leah. Hang in there
Denise and Barbara
Leah
Leah
GhostBuster
Yes, CI
Barbara