#WhyIStayed

On living with abuse and violence from the one you "love."

On the recent media blitz over WHY WE STAY:

It's all about your boundaries/value's, self image/esteem, prior conditioning, personal belief system, and understanding yourself and what you want. Some women want the bling and are willing to "overlook" what comes with it and unfortunately people treat you the way you allow. It all boils down to what YOU are willing to put up with, what trade offs YOU are willing to make, what life YOU are looking to create. If the life you are shooting for is not working for you, what are YOU willing to do about it because they are not changing anytime soon. We don't change other people and get them to fit into our versions and perceptions of how they should be. We change ourselves into becoming people who attract and draw to us what we want our lives to be. If someone is not on board with our values and does not resonate with our truth, we have some serious choices and decisions to make.

I would imagine that Oscar was showing her who he was along the way and the same is obviously the case with Ray there.

I know for me, I woke up one day and said to myself, I cannot do this anymore and I kept saying it everyday until I got him out of my house and out of my life. I needed that r/o because in my case he would not have left without it, so thank God for the r/o. Imagine a day when there was no such option. There was no such thing as a r/o. I don't think women understand the power and freedom of the r/o. It is a life changer and a life saver for many. Some Men will always try to control women, they will always attempt to squeeze every last bit of life out of you and then leave you for dead if they are allowed to take the best you have to give and replenish it with NOTHING.

I grew up with a father like this, a man who used his wife and his children as nothing more than supply and left you for dead when he no longer needed anything from you. It was a horrific life and a grueling way to learn those ways of the world. I understand what it is like to have nowhere to turn and no family to rely on and it's easy for woman like me to put all their eggs in the "this man loves me basket." Therefore I will overlook his issue's and poor treatment of me.

" I am grateful for the attention and occasional help, so I will overlook this freakish existence with him."

"He represents the "family" I didn't have."

I gag over that one, saying it today. He was the furthest thing from a family figure, yet, it was all so familiar to my FOO orientation.

Yes, been there, done that.

I could write more examples of why I stayed and there was a long list of "supposed" good reason's at the time, YET, when I had enough, NONE of those reasons made too much sense to me moving forward. He was an empty shell of a person, an illusion, a relationship faker. A want to be.

Today, I am creating my own sense of family with those who actually do love me.

Why did you stay?

Or why are you still in it?

Share with us if you like, get it out, it helps to identify just what is keeping you hooked and stuck or what you were looking for from another at the time.

Much love,
Together and Healing,
Goldie

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August 3, 2017 - 3:35pm

Why I Stayed??

My issue is I kicked that narcissist to the curb but I get angry at myself for staying in the relationship for so long. I chalk it up to an odd sense of loyalty but can't really justify that reason. Any thoughts?

JJ

December 20, 2014 - 2:43pm

For the Illusion

of happily ever after. For the fantasy of that perfect love. The intensity, the sex, the idea of finding my "soulmate"

October 4, 2014 - 1:39pm

FOO Resonance

Wow Goldie, I've been No Contact now for nearly 6 months, visit this wonderful site regularly and pretty much have my life back in order again. But the mention of FOO and how some of us have little family support and therefore become super-dependent on our partners, rings so true for me. My sister practically dropped me in mid-telephone conversation today and I hear my mother stifling yawns when I speak to her on the phone about my successes. I'm about to move to a vibrant city to develop a new and fulfilling social life so that I can reduce my reliance on a future partner. Thanks for bringing this issue into greater clarity for me.

Good luck everyone.

John

September 22, 2014 - 7:28pm

Why I stayed

The number one reason for me was that I loved the guy. I now know that I was conditioned to be attracted to Narcs because my dad is a Narc and my ex husband of 11 years was a Narc. I didn't know that until now. It was "familiar" to me to be with these type of men. My last Narc of 4 years was to me the love of my life. Gaining this knowledge about NPD, finding this website, and reading the stories of good women like me who have been involved with these type of men is life changing for me. I am now going through a process of uncovering these new found truths, taking of the blinders and learning everything I can to grow and change and never get involved with another man who doesn't value me. Thanks for this wonderful resource! I am so thankful I found this site.

Finding New Happiness!

Pheonix

October 3, 2014 - 12:18am (Reply to #1)

Excellent blog, Goldie!!!

Thanks for sharing this, Goldie. So powerful.

Reminds me of the following quote:

I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.” - Meryl Streep or José Micard Teixeira

Love & Light,
Lisa

October 6, 2014 - 12:19pm (Reply to #3)

Love this Goldie

I agree!!

Truthnow

October 3, 2014 - 5:37am (Reply to #2)

patience blog

Wow Lisa... this quote is a life lesson all on it's own. Thanks for the growth spurt. :)

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