self sabotaging from narc abuse

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#1 February 12, 2017 - 12:19pm

self sabotaging from narc abuse

hello all, Ive been wit my narc for over 4 yrs now, when we met I had already had some major emotional issues I was battling for years, however, I feel like this brought me to my lowest. When we met yes he was the typical attractive, egotistical narc, but he didn't fit the profile of being romantic and sweeping me off my feet, he was quite candid, he was raised In polygamy and felt its quite normal to have more than one woman, he did convince me that at that time he wasn't interested in anyone but me. So sure enough I felt special somehow. Early on he compared me to his ex with my parenting or domestic abilities. This started me off trying to please him, and hating her. I did so much for him and the criticisms never stopped, and my self esteem got worse and worse. I started to binge drink, I would stuff all the pain and feelings of not being good enough and then get very drunk. He's made comments about my weight which ive always struggled with and always always reminded me of all the woman that would love to be with him. I caught him cheating after just a few months and took him back, from that point on I continuously caught him texting and flirting with other woman. ALL of this just made me feel worse and worse and my drinking got worse. Now he has flipped everything around to act like IM the problem, my drinking is the problem and he cant be in this relationship its too toxic for HIM. Now I have 2 DUIs, I'm an RN and my career is at stake, I'm finally seeing what a toll this has all taken on me. I did make him move out back in July which has helped some, but I have not gone NC yet. I feel like if I don't end this and heal I will never recover my alcohol abuse either. I have terrible anxiety which ive read to maybe be abandonment anxiety.

February 12, 2017 - 7:55pm

Welcome to the Forum Bellamarie

What an ordeal he put you through my dear girl. Sounds familiar in some ways to my story. My X was a psychopathic narcissist and his emotional torture and abuse seemingly had no bounds. I was left a heap on the floor as well feeling emotionally and physically spent. Convinced at the time my life as I knew it was over and I would never feel better and be able reclaim my life. Although there still was a small voice left inside of me which I hear in you, that said he had to go. He had to go. The only way I was going to survive this was if I got him out. The damage left in his wake was vast and extensive. He destroyed my house, my credit, my finances, my health, my education, my sense of self, and on and on. I can feel your despair and pain from the little you have shared. I get the impression it was even worse than you have let on here in this short post. I understand that right now it seems like the damage is irreparable, yet, once we get the toxic element out of our life it is possible to repair all of this a day at a time. Each day will bring you closer to healing and repairing all the havoc he has caused in your life. I have blogged about all of this and I encourage you to read my blogs. Scroll down each page and read them and you will see that I too was once where you are today and through support, sharing, and getting him permanently out of my life I have been able to move past most of what he did. Everyone's story's are different yet the same in some ways. You will be able to recover from the alcohol abuse if you want to. It will not be easy, yet many before you have become sober and faced the legal matters one step at a time. Have you considered a short term inpatient facility to jump start your recovery and buy you some time away from him? I don't know as what you are describing is just abandonment anxiety, could very well be that and PTSD, trauma bonding, betrayal bonding, which also leaves you feeling abandoned as well. You describe prior emotional abuse which very well may tie in with all of this as well. I hope you are in therapy with a trauma PTSD specialist. It is essential that you surround yourself with as much of a support team as possible while you are healing from all of this. You are describing a monster here, a man with no redeeming qualities. He is literally destroying your life and trust me when I tell you if you do not end this, it can and will get worse. Please find a good therapist if you are not in therapy already. I would imagine with your nursing background you can find a referral for a therapist in your area. You can always start with the local woman's center for battered woman. I don't know if this man has physically abused you however, he is clearly emotionally battering you. You can do this Bella, there is help available and clearly this is not how you want to be living or you would not have taken this major step in sharing your story. You deserve better than this and the only way you are going to begin to realize this is to get help and get him out of your life. Sending you love and big hugs.
Goldie xo

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