self sabotaging from narc abuse

hello all, Ive been wit my narc for over 4 yrs now, when we met I had already had some major emotional issues I was battling for years, however, I feel like this brought me to my lowest. When we met yes he was the typical attractive, egotistical narc, but he didn't fit the profile of being romantic and sweeping me off my feet, he was quite candid, he was raised In polygamy and felt its quite normal to have more than one woman, he did convince me that at that time he wasn't interested in anyone but me. So sure enough I felt special somehow. Early on he compared me to his ex with my parenting or domestic abilities. This started me off trying to please him, and hating her. I did so much for him and the criticisms never stopped, and my self esteem got worse and worse. I started to binge drink, I would stuff all the pain and feelings of not being good enough and then get very drunk. He's made comments about my weight which ive always struggled with and always always reminded me of all the woman that would love to be with him. I caught him cheating after just a few months and took him back, from that point on I continuously caught him texting and flirting with other woman. ALL of this just made me feel worse and worse and my drinking got worse. Now he has flipped everything around to act like IM the problem, my drinking is the problem and he cant be in this relationship its too toxic for HIM. Now I have 2 DUIs, I'm an RN and my career is at stake, I'm finally seeing what a toll this has all taken on me. I did make him move out back in July which has helped some, but I have not gone NC yet. I feel like if I don't end this and heal I will never recover my alcohol abuse either. I have terrible anxiety which ive read to maybe be abandonment anxiety.

Goldie's picture