Old GFs never go away

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#1 Mar 27 - 5PM
loveofmylife
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Old GFs never go away

Has anyone else seen this behavior?

I've read alot that says that Ns discard their former lovers and the former lovers never hear from them again. It is like they are gone forever. But mine is different. He seems to have a very, very close relationship still with many of them.

And the wierd thing also, is that none of these ex's are married or even in a committed relationship with anyone, even though they are very attractive, successful and in their 40s now. I just don't know many women in their 40s who have never married and are not in committed relationships when they are so attractive and successful. But ALL of his are that way.

- the ex wife has never remarried in 10 years although she is very attractive and successful. They still talk alot. He picked her up from surgery. He helps her when she is sick. He says that many people don't even know they are divorced because they get along so well (this was not the case for the first few years after divorce. And she got a retraining order from him when they divorced)

- ex fiancee. They still see eachother. He refers to her as one of his dearest friends. Still emails xxoxoxoxo

- ex girlfriend from college. Is married. But his primary emotional lover.

- girl "friend" for over 20 years who still asks him for sex even now - and he always turns her down.

So the difference is, all of these women still feel very, very attached to him emotionally. Which seems different that other readings???

And of course, I understand why they feel that way as I've been attached for over 20 years.

Mar 29 - 8AM
dysenchanted
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Loveofmylilfe-old girlfriends

loveofmylife-Mine keeps all of his ex's on the back burner as well. When a new relationship begins to go south, he contacts them. Uses them as "sounding boards", smears the current partner to them,sucks up some sympathy, hints that it they were "The One" that he never should have let get away, blah,blah,blablabla. They all go through this cycle with him over and over. Some of them I suspect are N's or borderlines, and enjoy the triangulation drama. He never actually goes back to any of them though-and drops them like trash when he's hot on a new source of supply.
Mar 28 - 8PM
NancyM
NancyM's picture

Old GF's

Nevergoback Yes this is my experience. I watched how my exN savagely dumped his GF of 11 years for me, yet she cried begged, pleaded for him to take her back. Could not understand this myself but he played a game of pitting the exes against each other. Because i refused to enter into this he was never sure how to handle it though he made it look like she was harrassing him. The reason why they keep them hooked is it proves their power, control etc etc. Both ex wife and ex girlfriend have never moved on but now that he is pretending to have found spirtuality (after me initially leaving him) he is now going back and I believe it is to turn the kids against their mothers. I was sickened when i realised this was his tactic. He will keep them hanging on because he owns them in his mind and he certainly hasn't finished with destroying them. ugggg. I am going to be the first to walk away free and clear though fortunately I never had children with the monster. Power to ME lol.

Nevergoback

Mar 28 - 9PM (Reply to #49)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

nancym

How terribly sad this made me feel. For you, for them. It takes a lot of understanding to be charitable to the 'other women' in the N's life...when you are "in the know", and see it playing out before your eyes, it's heartbreaking. You can foresee the damage coming, like a psychic making a prediction of pain and doom. This is the downside of knowing about N's and what they do. I'm glad you know better now, and yes...thank God you don't have kids together. I don't either with my exN, and I nearly married him...I consider that a huge dodged bullet!
Mar 28 - 12PM
joeP
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Just in case...

As soon as I sensed that I was about to be discarded I told the N that I never wanted to see or hear from her again. I told her I wanted her stuff and her GONE as soon as it could be arranged. I did have a couple of contacts immediately after to get my belongings back which took several attempts but in the end I did get them back. I did all of this thru texts so I wouldn't have to see that cold distant smug look on her face. By this time I discovered what I had been dealing with so I made the last contact as "Neutral" as I could ending it all with just an "I wish you the best" and have made no contact nor received any contact since. FYI she replied with "Well I wish you the best too, you deserve it" They realy know no shame, guilt or posses a concience. Just in case I should ever be contacted by it again what is the best way to let it know I want nothing to do with her. I want to be able to do this so that she gets NO satisfaction "Supply" from me whatsoever. I'm thinking of just hanging up but wouldn't that give her satisfaction that she still has an affect on me in her sick head? Is there any way to let it know that her BS doesn't work on me anymore without letting her be the "Victom"? I just don't want to be caught off gaurd should she ever try to "Recycle" me....
Mar 28 - 5PM (Reply to #47)
lili124
lili124's picture

none

Joe is seems like it has been so easy for you to have NC but for some reason I have been NC for almost three months but sometimes I feel like I am slipping back. They defintely move on fast and that is what my ex did. Did not even think anything about it but I have to look at my journal and realize that God really has blessed me by taking me out of this destructive relationship.
Mar 28 - 12PM (Reply to #46)
serene69
serene69's picture

your response

Best thing to do .... is nothing. Do not respond at all to anything. That is the best message to send. It shows you are not bothered, don't really care, are indifferent to it all. Any response is supply for them - positive or negative. You ignore them, means they don't exist.
Mar 28 - 12PM (Reply to #42)
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

suggestion......

if you answer....when she says...'hi this is Narcette'...say 'WHO??..WHO is this?'...it worked with my Narc brother..
Apr 1 - 9AM (Reply to #44)
joeP
joeP's picture

I like that

"Narcette", That's perfect.....
Apr 1 - 9PM (Reply to #45)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Yes

She's got talent at cracking us up non-stop!
Mar 28 - 4PM (Reply to #43)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

joeP

perfect! block her and if she ever gets through just say "WHO? you must have the wrong number" and hang up... and reblock her. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 28 - 11AM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

get over it.....

i've heard that until i could scream..from other people and from the psychonarc...i got him out of my house november of 07...am STILL not divorced from him...he refused to sign a simple uncontested divorce, then says....'what's your PROBLEM? i've been gone for over two years!...we're divorced..get over it!'....he's divorced me in his minde..ie..discarded me...and that's all that counts!!... i was supposed to 'just get over it' when he tried to murder me too... another favorite line of his is....'that's all in the past'...anything he'd done five minutes ago was IN THE PAST..and therefore needed to be forgiven and forgotten..how CONVENIENT....
Mar 28 - 11AM (Reply to #38)
foolmeonce
foolmeonce's picture

Over it It

Right - because if you do not immediately forgive and forget you are labled "bitter" - as I was told - "relationships do end - I don't know why you are so mad"
Mar 28 - 11AM (Reply to #39)
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Bitter!

RIGHT ON!!...if i had ten dollars for everytime i've been called BITTER for not 'getting over it'....i'd be OVER IT..and RICH TOO........
Mar 28 - 11AM (Reply to #40)
foolmeonce
foolmeonce's picture

Bitter

Well if my choices are stupid or bitter I will take bitter any day. At least I am stupid for believing his lies anymore.
Mar 28 - 10AM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Narcs and Psychos and time

Narcs and Psychopaths have a weird sense of time...it's one of the traits that a lot of them seem to have but isn't discussed much....they really have no concept of the passage of time.... i've seen that many times in the psychonarc...once when discussing how one of the dogs was developing severe arthritis i'd said...'i guess it's to be expected at her age'..he just stared at me with his mouth open..'you're crazy!..she's what?..two..three?'......she was TWELVE...and we'd had her since she was a puppy.......
Mar 28 - 12PM (Reply to #31)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Time

That is so true! I guess that is why they can ignore you for weeks, months, or even years at a time then just think they can pick up where they left off, all without an apology or explanation. I guess this is also why my N thinks he's still 20 and thinks he's cool in his clothes with skateboard logos on them. Haha!
Mar 31 - 10PM (Reply to #34)
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

Amen to the skateboard

Amen to the skateboard logos! 36 and still rockin' that!
Mar 31 - 10PM (Reply to #35)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Mine's 56 and still trying

Mine's 56 and still trying to rock it!! LOL
Mar 31 - 11PM (Reply to #36)
neveragain5
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HAHAHA!! ;)

HAHAHA!! ;)
Mar 28 - 2PM (Reply to #32)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Skater Clothes

That brings to mind someone I know who liked to sport either a multi colored mohawk or dreadlocks...... in his late 40's. Yes a musician of course. On fame's doorstep don't you know!
Mar 28 - 2PM (Reply to #33)
serene69
serene69's picture

thinking they are young

oh - but mine is 42 - but on craiglist he says he is up to ten years younger than that! Even though he has rather a fat belly nowadays and was always telling me how exhausted he always was ... yawn yawn
Mar 28 - 11AM (Reply to #30)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Mine Didn't Know What Year It Was

I don't remember how it came up, but something odd my Narc had said made me ask him once - "Do you even know what year it is?". And he didn't. He took a wild guess and was behind by 2 years. And I had calendars in both the house and the garage at all times. He also usually had no real clue as to the age of our pets or his kids who lived out of state with the ex-wife, although there was some communication and he should have known their age within a year on the kids. He would have been lucky to have gotten it within a 3 year ballpark either way on any of them.
Mar 28 - 4AM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

EMERGENCY RATIONS.......

that's what i always called them...the psychonarc always tried to keep a couple of victims 'on ice'..he'd go check on them and suck up every now and then...'re-connect' as he'd call it...just in case...just in case he needed someone to feed off of in case of emergency.... when i got him out of the house finally, he contacted all his emergency rations, and fed off them for as long as he could... getting a victim is HARD WORK...a lot of pretending and sucking up involved...if they can keep someone they've suckered previously on ice...then in times of need, they don't have to go to all the TROUBLE of luring in fresh meat...they've got some old half eaten sandwich on ice......
Mar 28 - 11AM (Reply to #28)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

This Is SOO True

And you describe it so well.
Mar 28 - 10AM (Reply to #26)
foolmeonce
foolmeonce's picture

Old "loves"

What I find really disturbing in the post is how all the old GF's are not in a relationship. You wonder if the N damaged them so much that they never found happiness. My exN is married but after I threw him to the curb, he started texting and probably talking to an ex. It's someone he was with 14 years ago. This person did marry after the N but got divorced. She sent him texts saying the happiest time of her life was when she was with the N - how no one could compare to him - how he was "truly unique" and how he deserves to be so happy. I guess she doesn't see how truly ununique he really is. How much he ruined her life in that she is still wanting him back after so much time. I wish I could tell her that her texts to him were not helping anyone. She's not helping herself and she certainly is not helping him - she is validating his behavior and enabling him to continue the path of destruction.
Mar 28 - 11AM (Reply to #27)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Foolmeonce

I think this is what I find so perplexing too. Because they are very normal, attractive, successful women; so it shocks me that in their mid 40s they have now been unattached for 10+ years or so. So either: a) like you say, they were so damaged that they are having troubles in relationships. b) like are all still pining for him to get back together with him. He is still close to them; so maybe he is stringing them along still. c) they are Ns too. The only commonality any of his women have is that they are petite, athletic, runners. There is no other commonality with any of his women. I would really like to ask the exwife her viewpoint on why the marriage ended...
Mar 28 - 9AM (Reply to #25)
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture

On ice

narcnarcwhosthere: Well put ("on ice")--like dead bodies being preserved for the vampire/bloodsucker. Luring and conning is no doubt hard work for them. Why not re-use where possible? It is sad to realize that one is simply a source of approval for these types. And to be kept around for more abuse....
Mar 27 - 8PM
Unique-Lyric
Unique-Lyric's picture

Ditto

Both my father and my ex have always had woman friends. When my ex's SUV got spray painted he said it was vandalized by one of his employee's. Later he told me it was from a woman that he dated prior to me. Sad thing was it was his wife's car. This same woman he spoke of is in town and they still speak. Just noticed one thing. Most N's I now have noticed have alot of woman friends.That should have been my sign. They just keep them around and I know of mine to have 2 that live locally just imagine how many more live in his home town when he goes back to visit family, Oh Boy! Uniques Lyric

Uniques Lyric

Mar 28 - 1AM (Reply to #23)
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Not mine...

None of his exes can stand him! He burned all of us, emotionally & financially...but then again, he lived with us too, Maybe your ex's (with the exception of the wife) other gf's never lived with him so they didn't get the full blown narc...
Mar 27 - 6PM
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Mine is friends with his exes too

Mine always bragged about how he is still friends with most of his exes. I think they are still under his spell too. He was the "dumper" in these cases. The only one he is not friends with is the one who left him for someone else. I think his spell on her was broken. I think without the education we are getting about N's, we may still be under the spell too, thinking the breakup was normal. But we are learning nothing about our relationships or breakups with these N's is normal. Well, except for us. We're normal. And that's why it is so hard for us to wrap our heads around this psychopathy. As far as never hearing from them again, I think it depends on if he thinks he can get anything more from you. If he thinks that spell has been broken, you may never hear from him again. If he thinks you're just mad, and you need to get over it, he will try again when he thinks you may not be mad anymore. And if he gets a response from you, he will progress until he is getting sufficient supply from you, whatever that may be. I've only heard from mine twice, and they were very generic emails to feel me out. One said he would like to be friends and we should have lunch or coffee. I deleted them without responding, so he probably thinks my panties are still in a twist. I figure he'll wait until he thinks I should be over it, and try again. Fortunately, his email is blocked and so are texts. I can't block phone calls on my cell, but I really don't think he would call. That is just too personal and possibly confrontational. He really doesn't want anyone to be mad at him. Everyone is supposed to love him, he's a freakin' god, dammit! So I say let the exes have him. The spell is broken here. There is nothing left here for him to take, so there is no reason to contact me. I just don't know if he knows that yet . . .