Old GFs never go away

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Mar 28 - 9AM (Reply to #18)
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture

Presumptuous to think we will just get over it

MsVulcan500--This is what mine did--asked me for coffee a week after the break-up (???!!!) and said he figured we'd get past the angry/tense stage and resume the friendship before long (???!!!). I'm still stunned that he would think I'd somehow forgive and forget. I haven't even *gotten* to the point of sustained fury that I see coming eventually. I feel it flickering within me somewhere. He's trying to butter me up now and to prove he's really a good guy (helpful, compassionate etc). Yes, they see an opportunity and go for more supply. I am trying so hard not to give it but he keeps finding ways to talk to me or interact at work. I get some satisfaction at treating him as indifferently as he often treated me during our relationship. They really don't get it. Or they just want to, as someone else on this site wrote, dodge uncomfortable scenarios and avoid having to account for anything. If I'm not frustrated or hurt by one thing, it's by another. He is quite a piece of work.
Mar 28 - 10AM (Reply to #21)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

objects

to them - OBJECTS don't "get mad" and they are entitled to think we should just GET OVER IT Psycho-Boy is STILL (6 years later) telling people I am mentally deranged because I won't "get over it and move on." LOL. My first narc, Mike? Same... it was 15 years later - I told him he and one of his girlfriends messed up my life & my family for a good 4-5 year after he abandoned me. He was peeved I was "even still thinking about it." I am glad he moved to California where he's CEO of a big company. Hopefully his part of the state will fall into the ocean during an earthquake... hey I can dream! ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 28 - 10AM (Reply to #19)
calamity-g
calamity-g's picture

think we'll just get over it...

Rinalda-- just getting over it! I wish and don't we all. I wish I could write a little handbook, and anyone can have this idea, for people who think we should and can just get over it. Call it something like, "Narcissism for the lay person" or "Narcs for dummies" -- some easy way to explain to people who think the label itself is a joke because they've never heard it and do not have a clue what it means. I got "buttered up," and as a result, eventually swallowed up! My guy used money to try and butter me up. I think he tried to get me dependent on his money and searched for any weakness, like how he could "take over buying (my) son's groceries every month," leaving my son, who lives on disability income, some extra money. I did not agree, but talk about trying to get someone where their weakness is. A mother's instinct is strong and of course we all want good things for our children, no matter what age they are. I didn't agree b/c I did not want to be dependent on him. I always had suspicions of him, which kept me from agreeing to many things. My suspicions were all completely validated. He revealed his true character. As long as there was contact after our romance ended, the manipulation became more severe every time, whether by phone or email. His initial kindness, compassion, and offers to do things like walk my dogs, do my dishes, and several physical things around the house that I can't do due to fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, had reeled me into his web. He said he had such a deep need in him to help people. He said he was such a giving person and he'd always had everything. Helping someone like me, who he said, "had never had the things in life," that he'd always had, gave him, "tremendous joy." Things changed. Instead of offering to do my dishes when I was sick, (in fact he stopped acknowledging I had any illness), I got offers to be, "one of his nude models." Didn't know he had those 'til that point. I got offered whatever my price was--("Cause he was such a kind person and wanted to help me.") I got offers to be paid for sex if I "would compartmentalize my feelings and not let my guard down." He really laid it on hard and I felt guilty at first. "This would be an ongoing thing" he said, "all you have to do is let me photograph you, semi-nude if not nude, and I want an entire collection so you could make a lot of money." I think he is the lowest creature I've ever known. He's not even as good as a pornographer or a pimp, who at least doesn't pretend to be anything but that. This guy goes to church and runs a business where he has contact with families, young women who could be vulnerable to his desire to have their photographs and with his status in his community, nobody would suspect he is really not into photography, but instead pornography. I was finally offered the ultimate generosity when I became depressed in the end. He offered to help me end my suffering. Be careful. I wish I had gone no contact much sooner that I did. But I was in love with the man he created for me and love hurts when it is taken away so suddenly and completely. ~~~~~~~~ My Blog

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My Blog

Mar 28 - 7PM (Reply to #20)
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture

Users and hypocrites and a handbook for the heart

calamity-g--What a user and a hypocrite your ex was! Talk about a front. They play on anything they can, learning and studying you so they know just what to say or have a leg in. Using and abusing. It's astonishing. It's so frustrating that these types get away with so much and fool so many!!! NC is crucial. Contact is their intravenous--sucking up more supply, using what they've learned about you against you! I can relate to the heartache and the sudden void. Yet the more I think about the bs and the disrespect, the easier it actually is. In that case, I feel glad I walked away, rather than regretting what I "lost." Roller coaster of emotions. I slip in and out of terrible sadness still--wish there were a handbook for the heart. When I think of the times he changed his behaviour around me because of the other woman (suddenly the lunches at work stopped); or the moments when he ignored me or timed his interaction just so, so as not to alert the OW to his interest in me--it pierces my heart. He still plays both of us at the office, or at least tries. And I have HER to deal with, too. Obnoxious, competitive, loud (she came in the office and laughed/chit-chatted witha few guys for an hour over non-work related stuff recently, trying to let me know she is around, I think, and is unaffected by him/them/me). I'm sure he's up to his old tricks with her, too, making her insecure. It is tiring and stressful.
Mar 27 - 7PM (Reply to #16)
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

msvulcan

Good for you! I'm breaking his trend of women "stalking" him after a break up? Who knows what really happened-he lied so much. He told me his ex's cheated on him. Now I believe he cheated on them as to why they HATE him.
Mar 27 - 8PM (Reply to #17)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Yep!

The stalking stops here! I do know for a fact that his 3rd wife (now there's a red flag, 3 ex wives) did cheat and leave him. But if he treated her the way he was treating me, I can understand it. And I do know she's been married to this man for 17 years, so her record is kind of speaking for itself. I met her, we hung out together at their son's graduation party, she seems very nice, and her daughter is a very nice, religious woman. I like her a lot too. The N said she left her 2 year old son to be with this other guy (he seems nice too) but I wonder if the N didn't force her hand, that leaving her son wasn't her choice, but she was forced to do it. I would really love to hear the other side of that story now. I'll bet it's way different than the version I heard. Her poor son was raised by his N father and is turning into N junior. It's sad, if he had been raised by his mother, he could be a very different young man.
Mar 27 - 7PM (Reply to #9)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

msvulcan

good point. He is still very, very good friends with the ones he dumped. But his dumping was very gentle. It was always "I have an issue. I just can't commit (whatever words he used), you are wonderful, it is me...." So I could see the spell would still be there. And they all feel "unrequitted" Yes, the one that he spat about was his ex-wife, who dumped him. She clearly broke the spell. I've noticed though (this is interesting) that his lovers (sex relationships) get less and less smart and successful as the years go on. Its almost like he doesn't want anyone to figure him out and someone he can always feel superior to. He is dating/having sex with women WAY, WAY below his status. Yep, mine keeps coming back to me, because he knows he hurts me, but that I will forgive him and get over it, and it will all be the same again. (interesting thing is though, he will never apologize to me for wrongdoings or forgive me for something that I do that was wrong)
Mar 27 - 9PM (Reply to #15)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

after a while they HAVE to

after a while they HAVE to lower their standards --- too many smart women catch on to them... or he's listed on the exposure sites ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 27 - 8PM (Reply to #11)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Mine was gentle too

Mine dumped me in a gentle way too. He told me he didn't have time for a relationship, he needs to focus on his music. He's on the brink of being discovered and famous or some crap like that. He's 56. Really?? He thinks he's now going to be a touring musician. He played out of state in a dive bar and now thinks this is his big break. He cried the entire time he was telling me all of this, said he really tried, blah blah blah. I showed no emotion at all. I am still very proud about that. I could hardly breathe, but didn't let on. Then 2 weeks later a friend posted some pics on FB and he and this woman were in some of them. I knew for sure then that the nice talk we had was all BS. So he didn't have time to keep an established relationship going but he had time to cultivate a new one? OK. So if he could lie to me so convincingly with tears and everything, I started wondering what else he lied about. Probably everything. When he D&D'd me, he never apologized either. We played a nice game of don't ask don't tell.
Mar 27 - 9PM (Reply to #12)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Old Musicians

Oh God, that struck a funny bone with me, about these old 40 and 50 something musicians who think they are finally on the brink of being discovered and being famous after playing at a dive bar, I know of a very similar situation and I can tell you these musicians take the cake, they are way worse than actor wanna-be's, they don't seem to figure their age into the equation and ALWAYS think they are just on the verge of making it big time! It's hysterical! This can go on for years and years and years and years.... their delusion is ridiculous! Thanks for sharing.
Mar 28 - 5AM (Reply to #13)
serene69
serene69's picture

Musicians!

Mine is a DJ/record producer - and yes of course though he is 42 he still thinks that really he will get that big break one day. Okay, to give him his due, he does quite well, but he is certainly not that famous or rich! Though of course he told me different. But yes he was so jealous of the big djs that make loads of money, the bitter things he would say about them to me. The more i look at it now, the more i think, why at 42 do you still want to be spending 2-3 nights a week basically just playing a few songs in a club? Surely that is something for someone in their 20s? Yes - for musicians/djs esp age is far more a factor than for an actor. They just dont want to grow up do they - and yes, I have a cousin who works in the music business in SF and when I told him about the N, he said he had come across so many clinical narcissists in the industry - some unbelievably deluded people - and that nearly all of them had come to a sad and bad end. I think musicians/djs love the fact of performing for an audience - it must give them that high to make them feel good.
Mar 28 - 7AM (Reply to #14)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

N musicians/dj's do love

N musicians/dj's do love performing for an audience. That is definitely their primary source of supply. They love the high they get from drunk strangers telling them how great they are. They take that admiration of their skill or talent and transfer that to admiration of themselves personally, so they think everyone loves THEM. If mine didn't have many gigs lined up in a month, he would go to jams 3-4 nights a week, just so he could hear people tell him how great he is, even though he wasn't making any money. And you can tell who these people are, they all feed off of each other and stab each other in the back at the first opportunity. I too, have friends in the music industry in the SF area who hate these N musicians and have given up some seemingly good situations because they couldn't stand the drama. For my N all the women in the world could not give him the supply that playing on stage gives him. Personally, I would rather have my SO, family, friends and co-workers thinking I am wonderful than a bunch of strangers. But I'm normal.
Mar 27 - 7PM (Reply to #10)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I know what you mean...

...but I had to snort at 'below his status'. What's below the 9th circle of hell piece of evil sh**?? They will dig up any old supply that allows them an in. Mine tried to talk to me for six months...the only thing that kept that from happening was ME.
Mar 27 - 6PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

yes

yes I know of 2 narcs... both married for a long time - that still have a lot of contact with ex-gfs, ex-lovers... sometimes they even sleep with them for "old times' sake" LOL just shows you how good they are at brainwashing... do you want to be part of his P*ssy Corral??? ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 27 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Close "Friends"

Now that I know more about what is really going on behind the scenes with him. Whenever he says "close friend" or "dear friend", it means, "someone who is totally in love with me and wants to be with me, that I use for either sex, emotional love or jobs, and am keeping an open door to be in a full blown relationship with in the future" And that he emails/texts all of these women almost daily and whispers sweet-nothings to all of them. He has 6 - 8 of these.
Mar 27 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
Nothanx
Nothanx's picture

EX Gf

Mine is different, but also the same! He is different because he is not the smooth type, and his ex's dump him. He is never really done with any of them, but I have noticed that they are just finished with him, like burned out. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt he would reconnect with any of them at any time no matter who he is with at the time. The really strange thing is that I know that if I had a problem I could call him at any hour and he would come to help me. That seems nice, I know, but at the same time it drove me crazy when I was with him, for I felt like I could scream and beat my head against a wall but he would still go to help or "get together" with any one of his ex's. In his last relationship, he reconnected (and had sex) with an old GF while his gf at the time was visiting her parents out of town. He seemed really remorseful and acted like he would not make that mistake again, but I know he would.
Mar 28 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

They Gotta Have Their Harem Of Women

They NEVER give up their harem of women because romancing and playing head games with multiple women IS WHAT THEY LIVE FOR. Sad but true!
Mar 28 - 12PM (Reply to #5)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

True that!

I know if I were to call mine to help me now with something, anything, he would be all over it. But that's because then I would be indebted to him. I would owe him and he would "own" me. When I was with him and he already "had" me, I couldn't get him to do anything for me.
Mar 28 - 12PM (Reply to #6)
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

Same here. But he would bend

Same here. But he would bend over backwards for al his friends and any woman who were in need. "N"s are all alike!
Mar 28 - 2PM (Reply to #7)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Cold Weather / Jacket

I remember distinctly when I was shivering it was cold and he gave his jacket to another man's girlfriend who was also cold, after I had commented that I was cold. Priceless!