So you think the sex was so 'intense...'

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Sep 19 - 9PM
gemofagirl
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Thanks for this post. I

Sep 16 - 1PM
Lobo555
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Lightswitch Flipped On

Wow. Just. . . wow. So glad I read this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul.
Sep 15 - 7PM
faith999
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So true Spinning and Goldie..

Thank you for this. I want to add this straight from the mouth of my N.Please consider this ladys when you think of your deep sexual connection with your N. There was an ex gf he told me about who supposedly cheated on him. As you can imagine this did not sit well with him. He had never cared that much about her anyway and claimed he just was there for the sex.He described the sex as basically just f'ing. So he waited (remeber a narc can be very patient)and of course she contacted him again. They resumed their relationship and this is what he told me. "I never fucked her again. I made love to her like i loved her. I gave her the kind of love making every woman desires. I faked it all and she bought it.I did it with her for a month to make sure she believed it. I treated her like she was special out of bed as well. Then I coldly left her." I asked him why he would do that to a woman who loved him and tried to repent for her mistake. He said that she had to be paid back. Something to thing about.
Sep 15 - 11PM (Reply to #35)
Sunafterrain
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faith

that is absolutely amazing. What you got was the biggest red banner a wavin I've seen here yet. The only difference is that he had the audacity to say what every single disordered one THINKS AND DOES. Thank you for posting this, that is HUGE for my recovery!!
Sep 16 - 12AM (Reply to #36)
faith999
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Yes,Sun after rain

yes that was a huge red flag. At that point though I was already years into the relationship. But...as I have admitted on this forum before, I knew who he was right from the start and that is my own cross to bear. Because of the fact that he felt safe with me and not judged he allowed me to be privy to who he was. He shared alot.The most important thing he shared with me was that women always have the power but most don't know they do and those who realize it don't know what to do with it.I know now what to do with it and I am using my "power" and closing the door to that chapter of my life.
Sep 15 - 10PM (Reply to #34)
foreverfun1
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this gave me chills

that he would do that just to pay her back and that he could fake it so well, that he knew how a woman wanted to be loved and was able to fake it. what a sick fucker
Sep 15 - 7PM (Reply to #33)
Better than ever
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That really gave me something

That really gave me something to think about....I can see my ex Narc doing that to me too!!! Anyways, he dated a girl before me for 6 years, which I consider a long time. I came along about 3 months later....One day I asked if he had any residual feelings for her, etc....Very coldly he said no....I asked why he left her, and it was some really laime reason, which I truly think she left him....Unbelievable that someone could have absolutely no feelings at all....EXCEPT if you are a NARC!!!!!!
Sep 15 - 3PM
Lisa87
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Mine was not intense at all

Sex with my ExN was always loving, warm and secure, very affectionate and that is what I miss. Loves to kiss and cuddle/spoon all night. I hear every word of this post but never had any cravings for the sex, only for the way I was treated in the beginning. He was warm, kind, very generous and doing everything for me. Sex was split 50/50, sometimes about me, sometimes about him. During an initial devalue he became a little different but now when I have hooked up with him it is only for the warm body, comforting. I have never felt used by him sexually which is strange because he has weird sexual addictions or thoughts but never let that interfere with us (probably cause he was getting it elsewhere??). My N is one of a kind, he is the master manipulator and probably is faking it but it certainly doesn't seem like it. I think deep down he is a sick little boy and maybe he does need the affection? He likes the sick sexual stuff too but that is when his bad N side appears. I think mine has 2 sides and maybe is bipolar too? I've wasted too much time thinking of the ass...ugh..will never figure them out.
Sep 15 - 3PM (Reply to #30)
Sunafterrain
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Lisa

As long as you're in it with him, there is no way you'd see it or him, deep down, any other way. It's an addiction, no matter what part of the sex or what comes just before or after. You will never have a clear picture until you are out and away from the addiction.
Sep 15 - 3PM (Reply to #31)
Lisa87
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I've been out and away for a very long time

I have no emotions toward him and am definitely not addicted to him or anything for that matter (I was addicted to what he was able to do for me in the beginning before I learned about NPD). I've gone NC for 6 months without a care (2nd time) so this time it means nothing to me and he means nothing to me except a warm body next to me. Sad but once in a while I like that touch from a man and gave in. Can go NC today and never speak to him again, wouldn't matter to me at all, it is my choice, probably not a smart one, but I'm a strong woman and would never...ever let him bring me down again.
Sep 15 - 3PM
Bitter-sweet
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an outstanding post

This is very helpful,particularly this: 'Every now and again he decides to use you and your body to relieve himself of his anger, fear, his general sense of disconnection from the world and people, and built up tensions.' I was desperate to please the N but after sex, instead of feeling closer (as should be the case), I always felt 'used'. I've seen it here somewhere recently, that if, after sex, you feel like you should have been 'paid' you have been with an N (sorry not to be able to reference that quote). That's just how it made me feel. I suppose a lot depends on what you consider 'great sex' to be- for me, personally, it has to involve intimacy and trust. With an N there can be neither.
Sep 15 - 2PM
Better than ever
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Your post really enlightened

Your post really enlightened me...thank you!!! I just thought of a great analogy: Assume you haven't eaten in quite awhile (perhaps had the flu) and suddenly you are able to eat.....EVERYTHING looks and tastes great.....I'm thinking that they starve us of a true intimate relationship, so the sex sort of compensates so it seems more intense.....Am I on the right track????
Sep 15 - 3PM (Reply to #25)
FarmGirl
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YES! Sex is awful with him,

YES! Sex is awful with him, but there are times I'm just dying to be "made love to" and will settle for whatever he dishes out. But then I am left unsatisfied physically and emotionally and I can't get into the shower quick enough...
Sep 15 - 3PM (Reply to #26)
Sunafterrain
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FG

I wonder, do you realize what you're describing with that statement "but then I am left unsatisfied physically and emotionally and I can't GET INTO THE SHOWER FAST ENOUGH" That's what rape victims do.
Sep 15 - 3PM (Reply to #27)
FarmGirl
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he's never been forceful with

he's never been forceful with me, not his style but I just feel so yucky afterwards - like I was untrue to my own self by allowing him to touch me it's an ugly secret in our house besides 1x or 2x a year hardly qualifies as sex ;)
Sep 15 - 3PM (Reply to #24)
Used
Used's picture

Betterthanever

yes, this is a great way to put it.....when you are starving a pice of dry toast, looks like a banquet...
Sep 15 - 2PM (Reply to #22)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Yes

That was my point exactly, lol. You summed it up in a few words. The contrast is startling and when you are that starving, everything tastes good. You just cannot see it because you are ravashed for your crumbs. God bless, Goldie
Sep 15 - 3PM (Reply to #23)
Better than ever
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Sex SHOULD enhance the

Sex SHOULD enhance the relationship, not be BE the relationship... unfortunately many of us get absorbed into the relationship with Narc's before we can discern between the two....
Sep 15 - 2PM
Jordan3
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All I can say is "WOW", and a

All I can say is "WOW", and a huge thank you to Goldie. I don't write much on the forum, but i do log on several times a week just to feel connected to those going through my similar pain. I just left my counselor's office, not thirty minutes ago, and asked her if i finally found the courage to mourn this relationship and attempt NC, how in the hell am i going to ever experience sex like this again!!! But you guys are exactly right. Being with him sexually is literally a drug that minimizes the pain for a while. And i know that once he leaves, pain only intensifies later in the day. The anxiety and panic kick start. Then, i began sitting around, pretty much at his mercy, waiting for him to grace me with another fix! He even toys with me all the damn time about when he may or may not show. It's literally a sick game he plays, and I have been letting him!!! I'll get all ready, rearrange my schedule, clean the house, and the sick bastard won't even show. Sorry about the venting, but you know what, I think I need to get angry. What the hell have i been thinking. Thank you for making me realise the obvious. YOU GUYS ALL ROCK!
Sep 15 - 3PM (Reply to #20)
Sunafterrain
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Jordan

You wrote my experience exactly. Who the hell wants THAT? And guess what? He does it to EVERY victim, no matter how MANY are in his relationship circle. It's sooooo sick!
Sep 15 - 2PM
Sunafterrain
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I just wanted to add...

that just as it is with an argument with a disordered one, when right after they pretend nothing has ever happened, they do this with sex too. With all the acrobatic sex I gave him, he acted like it was no big deal. Like it never happened. I can't describe that the way I want too..it just never felt like it mattered to him. Just like the arguments never did. LIke it NEVER HAPPENED and I think this is goes directly to the core of disordered one. NO EMOTION
Sep 15 - 2PM
StudentOfLife
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Wow!! Major *lightbulb* moment for me!

Very grateful for this post which is so very well articulated. It all makes perfect sense!!! I may need to read this again and again. It is an addiction, one from which i intend to eventually recover fully!! :0)
Sep 15 - 2PM
Sunafterrain
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OMG...

This is so true. Mine used the sex as an addictive measure to keep me in the relationship for sure. Sex became THE relationship. He brought nothing more. Sex WITH HIM, was the addiction FOR ME, because it was the only time I felt bonded to him. One night, when I spent the night at his house for one of the last times, I thought the sex totally sucked. It was completed and all, but the rest of the relationship, the absolute FEAR AND EVIL that was in the room when the sex was OVER, and lying there next to him as he held me and BERATED me, was the most awful feeling I've ever experienced. Ever. It bore in my mind, the rest of the relationship which was nothing but push/pull and extreme psychological abuse. Another thing that dawned on me too, about how little sex has meaning with these people. It's another weapon in the disordered one's arsenal and it is the number one weapon that keeps us tied to him, nothing else would ultimately matter. in these relationships, the sex makes you SICKER. And that is exactly what the disordered one wants it to do. How many other NORMAL relationships would rely so much on sex to be the GLUE. NONE. I truly believe, with all of my heart, that this inevitably know this. I thought, when I got out and was really missing him and the sex most of all, that I was a sex addict. WRONG, I was addicted to sex WITH HIM. Even when it wasn't GOOD anymore. When I look back now, it was all so sick. All of it, him, the whole situation, me.....it was all so sick. Goldie, you're right. Sex is just a small portion of a normal healthy bond with someone. And we should all have the blessing of feeling safe when with someone sexually. I don't know what that's like, I've never experienced with a lifetime of pathologicals, but after all of that, I have an idea and it's far from sick.
Sep 15 - 2PM (Reply to #16)
StudentOfLife
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Agreed....

Sex is a weapon they use like every other psychological weapon in their arsenal. Sick bastardes!!
Sep 15 - 1PM
Susan32
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Wow!

The more I read, the gladder I am that I didn't have sex with the ex-Psych prof. At the time, one of my friends asked if I regretted not having been sexual with him-at one point he was quite handsome (but his inability to be physically affectionate was a turn-off)-and I said NO. That was 11 years ago. My therapist asked me last year if I regretted not having had sex with the ex-P. Again I said NO. Now I said "no" instinctively... not really consciously or knowing WHY. Now I know WHY. I had an intense sexual attraction to the ex-P;his presence could arouse me. But I always thought sexual attraction was an insufficient reason to have sex. I wanted EMOTIONAL Intimacy. He wasn't entitled to sex. He'd try to get me to have sex with him, and have a "no strings attached" relationship... but it worked less and less because he let himself go in a big way. A guy with a double chin, a beer belly, and rotting teeth isn't going to get action... maybe a somatic Narc should've gotten him a gym membership. Just sayin'. I've been reading Sofia Tolstoy's diaries. The ex-P idolized Leo Tolstoy. In her diaries, Sofia notes that she and Leo had an intense sexual attraction when they were courting. Even after many years of marriage, she praises him as an impassioned, intense lover, his slovenly habits notwithstanding (Leo became a slob, his teeth were in massive decay)... but says that they were never friends. He expected her to run the household, raise the children, take care of the finances... and when she was pregnant, he'd avoid her. She talks about how she came to see herself-as well as Leo-only as sex objects. It was sex without EMOTIONAL intimacy.
Sep 15 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
Used
Used's picture

susan32

on this i agree, i cannot have sex,for sex sake....it to me, is meaningless, demeaning, and just nothingness.... i too felt realy attracted to my narc, but i just knew he would not be in it for the right reasons.... ie...HE IS EMOTIONALLY AND SPIRITUALLY DEAD.....so what was the point...when i read now i am so glad i didnt...i ve never agreed with this sexual things with the narcs...its the intensity[winter is so right] but i was never in a position so say so cos i hadnt had sex with narc.....
Sep 15 - 6PM (Reply to #12)
Susan32
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Emotional intensity

I think with the ex-Psych prof, emotional INTENSITY substituted for emotional INTIMACY. It's why he hoovered me after his girlfriend moved in. I wondered what he saw in me... since I didn't provide sex or money. He liked being on a pedestal... emotional intimacy terrified him. When I declared my love to him, he went on a major smear campaign claiming I made unwanted sexual advances on him. Yes, he tried sexualizing me asking about his father, his vegetarianism. Really. In a bizarre way, the fact that the ex-P and I NEVER had sex put me on a pedestal. In an Ns/Ps sick eyes, sex&marriage are the ultimate devaluings (along with pregnancy-pregnancy makes Narcs WORSE) In some weird way, I remain idealized because I didn't have sex with him or have his kids. His relationship with his girlfriend struck me as oddly sexless... who knows... maybe they had twins thru IVF (and IVF requires that the male masturbate, anyhow!) They didn't act affectionate. There was this weird lack of chemistry. They didn't PRETEND to be in love... no wonder I didn't get closure.
Sep 16 - 1AM (Reply to #13)
foreverfun1
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yeah and twins is more common

yeah and twins is more common with IVF too
Sep 16 - 10AM (Reply to #14)
Susan32
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Twins

That's why twins have such a prominent role in mythology... because twins used to be rare, as a natural occurrence. I read recently about how the bumper crop of twins (especially among celebrities) can be traced back to reproductive technologies. The ex-Psych prof&his wife had their twins 11 years ago. He got her pregnant around the time I left Santa Fe... whether or not it was natural, I don't know. In Greco-Roman mythology, there are Apollo (god of truth, light, music) &Artemis (goddess of the hunt&virgin goddess of childbirth), the heroic twin children of Zeus&Leto. The Navajo have the Hero Twins. Nordic mythology has Sigmund and Sieglinde, the twins who are parents to the hero Siegfriend/Sigurd. A more modern take are Luke and Leia... the children of Darth Vader. My friends&I didn't know the name of ex-P's son&daughter, so we called 'em "Luke and Leia."
Sep 15 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
into the light
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I think it's also about his

I think it's also about his high testosterone and our responding raised levels of oxytocin. Makes us bond while he keeps his distance: he can be like a machine - switch on, switch off. I felt SOO sexually addicted to him for about a month after he finally left me. The first two weeks were the hardest. I craved sex with him, and only him, all the time, despite being treated like a blow-up doll or a whore.It's getting better now (6 weeks NC). Intense sex, yes, but what kind of sick freak does the stupid witholding act too?